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This is my opinion - please someone come in and add more.

I believe your thinking here is not from the right perspective. The changes that you are making are not for him - they are for you. Your marriage as you know it is already over; he already fired you from that role. So our strategy here is to take what we've learned from marriage v1.0 to grow ourselves, to become the best versions of Matt777 and teach3 and everyone else that we can be. We've learned so much from the problems of the first marriage that we have so much insight into what we'd like to improve about ourselves. NOW is the time to do that. Unfortunately, it's not so simple as turning a switch - it takes time to ACTUALLY make these changes. I would expect the journey that he has set you both on to take months of not years (not to say that your actions and interactions today will be the same as a year from now - but that this is a long, slow, evolving process).

Now, as for him not noticing, THATS OK. If he sees you every day, he won't notice the changes anyway. Do you notice your grass growing when you watch it? What if you go on a 3 week vacation?

You have time now. Use it wisely! Make your changes. Then, when he does look at you again, the changes will be so clear.

Honestly, even if he never looks back (which is unlikely), you will have still turned into the best you that you can be. Just keep the focus on you and you'll come out ahead.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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Thank you Cadet. I'm just having one of those days. I want to change for myself and I'm determined to do it. I think I'm still in shock.


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I want to look at it from the correct perspective. I'm trying but yesterday I feel a little stronger then this morning I wake up crying. I know it's a process but I'm just stuck in fear I guess.


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Originally Posted By: teach3
I think I'm still in shock.

That is quite natural and OK.

The advantage we have is that we can admit to it and not run away from those feelings.

DB'ing helps us to recover.

Kind of like losing oxygen on an airplane,
put your own mask on first.
Then you can worry about everything else.


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teach -
I read through your posts thus far. I am sorry that you are here, but somewhere deep down inside you know that this place can and will help you.

First your H, isn't the person you know and were in love with. He is someone else. And I think implementing the LRT is very important. Like Cadet said, he will notice changes in you, even when you rarely see him. Your 2 kids will always be your bond and when he is done being stupid, the kids will be your connection back to him. That will never change.

SO... what the [censored] do you do now?

One thing that really worked for Bob was to dissect his relationship, so that when the time came that he saw his Spouse he would be able to live his changes, which will speak to them. I implore you to check out Bob's early threads (or mine) to find examples.

Basically, you should identify YOUR characteristics that contributed. Then come up for ways to counter those characteristics. This is very difficult b/c a lot of these will be behavioral issues that are hard to overcome.

Here were some of mine....
- Depressed - I was depressed b/c of being overworked, which resulted in being withdrawn with my family. I countered that by starting to say no at work and being more present with my children. I do more with them, and less work or time on my phone when they are around.
- Controlling - Like you I wanted to fix things immediately. In my mind everything was black and white (as an engineer). I read many books that helped me understand her perspective and also read books on validating her point of view. Now I don't provide any direction unless she asks for it.

Also, if you don't already know investigate what your love languages are and what his are. You should become the expert in his love languages to use those as tools.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
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Hi teach,

I am so sorry to hear about your sitch. I went through a very similar sitch with my H when we had been married about 18 years and felt the same emotions as you are feeling. It took some time to work through. It is painful and enlightening at the same time. You will find strength and wisdom you did not even know you had.

I would highly suggest that you listen to all of these amazing people and do the work of this program for yourself, not to get your H back but to make your life better and if he comes back as part of that new life,mthat's a bonus.

I'm not sure I did that correctly the first time and now I am working this program again. I have been married 31 years and have 2 adult children. The second time around has made me really have to look at my motives for making changes during our first crisis. What I did, I did to get my H back, not to make my life better. Now I am here again, separated with NC for 5 months. Not fun. But I can tell you, the hurt will lessen, you will cry less, you will start to enjoy life again, you will begin to obsess about your spouse less, you will start listening and trusting your inner voice more, and you will go on and be happy again. Not saying there won't be sad days, but the sad days will be less than the happy ones.

Someone recently posted the serenity prayer. It's my favorite. I say it every morning when I wake up.

One thing I did to try to help myself heal was to start a journal to document all of the things for which I am greatful.

Take care of yourself and your son. Let your H take care of himself. Like Cadet says, you did not break him, you cannot fix him. If it makes you feel better, say a prayer for him every day. I found a book of prayers by Marianne Williamson ( I think it's called Illuminata) that really helped me when I couldn't find my own words. It's very spiritual and not so "religiuos" not trying to force anything religiously specific. I used it the last time my H left me emotionally and I'm using it again during this time.

Let me know if you'd like to talk about specifics. It sounds like we are having very similar circumstances. I'm just on round 2.

Sending you strength and wisdom and lots of hugs.

Gr8tful


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H: 54
M: 31


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teach3 Offline OP
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Thanks mahhhty and I will check out the threads.


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I appreciate all your wisdom gr8ful3 and I would love to talk to you about this. I'm trying to listen and learn. I feel like I'm in a tornado. We had some interacting this morning and he just gives me conflicting messages that hurt. That serenity prayer and the lighthouse are my new favorite things.

My son has a banquet tonight so I'm looking forward to getting out.


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Originally Posted By: gr8ful3
I am so sorry to hear about your sitch. I went through a very similar sitch with my H when we had been married about 18 years and felt the same emotions as you are feeling. It took some time to work through. It is painful and enlightening at the same time. You will find strength and wisdom you did not even know you had.

Hello teach,

Everything you are feeling is so normal. Do not try to bury the pain, that will only make things worse. You have gotten some great advice from my forum friends Matt and mahhhty and others. I really thought gr8ful3 nailed it--especially the last sentence from the quote above.

This forum is like one giant loving family. Post as often as you can. My sitch is similar to yours. My W decided to walk out one day in October and filed for D the next day. 7 months later, I am still DB'ing and feel better about myself than I have in my entire life. Why? Mainly from the support and advice from people like mahhhty (he was the first one to really follow my sitch) and countless others. And there is still hope for my sitch.

I came across this verse yesterday and would like to share it with you:

“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).

You CAN do this. grin

Sending many *Hugs* your way...

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
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Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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I will be reading your story tonight when I get in. Thank for your support and your right this place is like a family.


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