Pink's Journey # 2

[rd500]

Hi Pink that's some story. As you say it your life and only you can chose how to live it I don't think there are any rights or wrongs as long as you don't hurt anyone When I said about complications I just meant with so much going on in your life maybe bringing a former love back into your life was bringing something else to the mix.

Again. It's your life and you choose to live it is completely up to you

I hope it all go's well between you , S21 and A and it a happy time for you all

Take care. Rd

[Pink17]

Hi RD,

Thanks for taking the time to read. As always, you have been in this journey to comfort my pain.

I don't want to bring a former love into my life. It's really about S21 and the right he has to know where he comes from. I had a lot of my family's input, mainly my mom saying that this is necessary.

I am at the point of giving up on everything, I did what I want but I am not happy with love in this life. I don't feel someone loves me enough for what I am. I know my kids and my mom love me and appreciate who I am.

But related to a partner, it is an empty hole in my heart. The difference is that this time I feel like this and I am learning it needs to start inside of me. So, I need to change the direction of how I perceive the world, how I react to the external events.

I do not want anyone in my life and I am really afraid of trying again. I understand that fear is a big enemy of happiness, but it is time to also understand I do not need to bring myself into any R and make someone else unhappy.

My focus need to be in my kids now, do the best I can to make them good men and have a good life ahead of them, besides that I just want to keep quite.

I am very tired of searching for love in my life, and never really feeling someone would go the extra mile for me. I am getting to the conclusion that some people are better of on their own and not in a R.

I did a lot for other people, for love, friendship, or just for helping. Like I said, I am a doer, but somehow I always made everything about other people and not about myself.

It's a hard lesson to learn, that you won't be selfish but you will put yourself first. For some, it is just natural, for me, it's a complete change of path.

Right now, I want everything to go. I will finish my Divorce, will give H the freedom he wants and probably deserve so he will be free of me. I will give A the happiness of meeting his son. And I will take myself out of their lives.

Since I was a little girl I said that the world is very big and in it I would find my happiness. I think I was wrong, the world is very big and I just hurt myself.

I am having a very hard time dealing with rejection. It has been a constant in my life in every corner. Some of my family, some friends, man I loved. Most of the time is because the way I am. Very independent, take my decisions by myself, a fixer upper.

If this is what brought me so much pain, then it is time to change. It's time to concentrate in myself and find some peace within.

I feel very unhappy with the life I built for myself, I feel that everything I did is a big nothing. I am letting go on it all now. My kids will walk their path and soon will be in their own life. And all the rest needs to go.

No one needs to suffer with me around anymore. The next chapter of my life I want to be on my own.

Thanks again for being such a gentlemen during this journey. You are an amazing person and deserve the best in your life. By the way, I hope you start a new thread and tell us how things are going with your W and those beautiful kiddos.

Take care,
Pink

[rd500]

Hi Pink. You mustn't be so down on yourself Your story is full of love. Have you made mistakes ? Only you can judge , no one else.

You are very emtional right now and the best thing to do is to do nothing. Stop.
Think about what you really want in life and go for it. You need to forget what H has said and done recently You seem to be blaming yourself for everything and no way is it all down to you.

As for someone in your life again , I say this with all respect but your talking rubbish ! Any man would be proud to have you for a partner and if they don't agree they don't deserve you Right now maybe it's better for Pink to be on her own but who knows what's around the corner ? I would be over the moon to meet you and I mean that. You are a comfort to loads of people on this board and in the real world.

Whenever I'm down I take stock of what I do have in my life not what I dont. Pink has a huge amount of good things in her life and I really believe that your H will emerge from his fog one day and I hope for his sake Pink is still waiting

Take care special Pink. Rd

[Pink17]

Hi RD,

Yes, I am very down on myself today. And was yesterday. I realized that my M is over and it has been very painful to just admit the truth.

I will certainly move into another step of this process but it won't cease the bad feelings. I gave a lot into this M and it is catastrophic to see everything evaporate like this.

I trusted someone that betrayed me. And it will be hard to trust again, much less the same person.

There is a small part of me that wants to believe that some human beings are good and they will treat you with respect and will love you for what you are. But there is a bigger part of me that no longer believe it is the way to go.

I do not want to be hurt again. Maybe I am too simple, too kind, too open, always been very happy, positive, but it just brought the wrong people into my life.

I agree with you that I need to find what I want in life and go for it, but I don't see myself open for any R anymore. I know it is like you say, who knows what is around the corner. But if you close your heart, then there will always be a sign of NO VACANCY on it.

H finally got to me. I have been giving excuses and believing that H is suffering, is in a fog, is confused. The last time he talk to me, he was not showing he was weak, tired, sad, confused, foggy or whatever. He said with all the words looking into my eyes that he does not know what he wants, but he just can't see himself married to me anymore.

He said that enjoying it. He said he has his life and his freedom. He said it with conviction and with enough venom to hurt me very deep inside.

He finally got to me. I could see a cold person that does not give a damm for what we had for 18years, for all what I did to built the family we have, for all what I helped him to achieve.

He used me to move forward and now he just throw me on the garbage. I think it is somewhat good that I feel this way for awhile. It will give me the strength to leg go. Right now, what I really want is do not deal with him at all. I do not want to see him, hear him, look at him. He makes me sick and I do not need him around anymore.

You see, the story repeats itself again, I need to get to a point that I realize that "X" is not there for me and is not doing anything to see some value in being with me. I am good for many things, I am just not good enough for someone to fight for me.

It's all good, life moves on, has many faces and R is just one of them. I will be feeling good again. I will just close the door for this kind of love and never be hurt again.

Don't worry! I am not hang myself in the garage. I do feel that life is precious, I believe in God, I just don't believe in a love from a man, at least not for me.

I have a huge amount of good and will use this to help myself now.

So, are you going to open a new thread? Everyone wants to know about you and write to you.

Take care,
Pink

[Sotto]

Hi Sweetie, I'm sorry you're down. It sounds like that convo with H really got to you. But know this - he may say what he says with coldness & conviction like there's no hope. But as everyone says - I don't see any fat ladies singing. Fact is - you get to decide if and when to give up. M version 1 is clearly over - for pretty much all of us. Is Mv2 possible? Who knows. But I can tell you with almost certainty - your H remains unsure - even if he sometimes says otherwise.

But enough about him! Thanks for sharing your story. Wow, I can imagine a movie being made about your life - which is much more than I could say about mine! It sounds like a good plan for your eldest to meet his Dad & I hope it all goes well.

Pink, as RD says, there are so many good things in your life. I have to remind myself that H isn't the centre of my world any more - I am!! So - I'm looking forward to some pink centric attitude from here onwards. We'll be with you each step of the way Dearest.

Take care (((((pink)))))

[rd500]

Hi Pink. You have made me very sad. I know that you feel like no one will ever love you the way you want but please please believe they will. I'm no one special , I'm a very ordarary guy who has normal values and I would love to meet someone like you. I would have done anything for my W I loved to make her happy and it brought me joy to make her smile with a surprise or gift. I always thought she was the most beautiful person i had ever met and considered myself very lucky to have met her. There will be a queue of guys hoping to be in a position to feel that way and more about you



Life has a plan for us all and we people on here have been given a difficult road but it's far from impossible.

You are down today but I'm sure this is just the roller coaster and you've gone down a very steep dip. The upward track is waiting for you and let's look forward to that

Take care Rd

[Sotto]

Lovely RD - how about an update from you my friend?? xx

[Bob723]

Hello Pink,

I just had to stop by and pass along these:

XOXOXOXO

Maybe this verse will comfort you a bit:

“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).

You WILL make it thru this.

Bob

[Pink17]

Thank you Toots, RD and Bob for all your kind words and comfort, it makes such huge difference every time you guys write such encouraging words. It always pump me up.

Yesterday was a difficult day, but things changed around and I heard very good comments about myself.

As usual, I am a designated drive when it comes to drive in Denver, such crazy traffic. But I am always OK with that, I do not have much fear since I always drove in big cities.

I drove two friends to Denver because our brasilian consulate was here as an itinerant visit, so we can update our documents. We have dual citizenship.

One of the ladies did not see me for quite awhile and he comments were over the top. She look at me and could not believe. She said I was another person, that I lost weight and was looking good, she loved my hair and the natural color it has now. She even said that my skin looks much better.

She said that there is a glow that comes from me and that I am just a very different, beautiful person. She teased me saying that if it is the result of my D, that I should keep myself in that road and look good.

It was amazing, speaking in Portuguese the whole time, laughing at some silly lady stuff, they were crazy about how many lipstick I carry in my purse.

When we came back, we were feeling so good, we went to a local brewery and had some beer together to celebrate that we were having a good time. So, my day end up being a good GAL, without even trying.

I am feeling better, it is always good to share time with other people from the same culture. We, brasilians, are very open, we tease each other without getting offended, it is just the way we are. We are a lot about body, skin, we touch each other (not in a bad way), we are just very close to each other, and it felt really good.

One of the ladies said that if I start a Zumba class, that she wants to go with me, and of course, I need to drive. She also said that she wants to dance some samba since I am doing it more frequently that she wants to join me. She has a little girl but said that if her hubby is not in town, that she can get a babysitter.

This weekend I will meet with a Zumba teacher at some GAL bridal shower, lets see if I can arrange a class that will fit my schedule.

S15 is having lots of American football practice and is leaving for a football camp on Wednesday. He is very excited, but his father that is all about football, does not care at all. S15 was saying how he always tough that his dad would share this time with him and now it is like his father died long time ago.

It is like having a knife on your throat, it hurts deeply, but I just tough, I am here, and I can make the best I can for him and be there for him. He is not the first and won't be the last keep that has been abandoned by one parent. It won't be the reason for him to be down on himself.

Toots, as much as I think that there is a chance things can change and the M can be repaired. I know deep in my heart that it would be a hard work to heal all the wounds. I am not sure anymore if I want to go down that road.

Bob, that verse is so fantastic. It's just what I need to remind myself every day. I am a believer and he gives so much strength I can't even explain.

RD, my sweet RD, what do you really mean in my life. It is the most strange feeling ever. I do not know you, and yet it is like you have been in my life for a long time. You say sweet words when I need them, and you give me tough love when I need it.

Many times, instead of thinking about my H, I catch myself thinking about RD. Maybe it is because I am vulnerable and you are not a threat, you are a far away person, without a name, without a face. You are just the words I read.

It's yet some crazy journey, never tough I would be here, never tough I would need to talk to someone online and want to be a better person to show that one that I am worthy.

You are helping me to detach from my H. You are helping to see that I have value, that I am a good person that deserve better. I feel stronger because you care. Life is really strange.

I even have my mom saying that she is very nervous about my crazy head. She was asking me to think a million times before doing some stupid, she said some people on internet get closer to others just to do some damage. She even told me about this lady she knew from church that had this internet connection and when she finally met the guy, he killed her.

Wow! She said that I almost killed her with several heart attacks attempts each time some crazy happen to me, and there was plenty. But, that now I need to think I have three boys and they need me. Can you believe this?

Life is indeed good, and there is always new horizons ahead of us, I need to be brave and face one day at a time. Things will change, character may change, the story may take another direction, who knows, I think the best is to keep an open mind for what is to come.

Thanks to you all that makes me a better person.

XOXO
Pink

[Sotto]

"Toots, as much as I think that there is a chance things can change and the M can be repaired. I know deep in my heart that it would be a hard work to heal all the wounds. I am not sure anymore if I want to go down that road."

Hi Pink, I hear what you're saying - I feel the same way, and I would have to think long and hard about what I really wanted now. That's no bad thing. Better than wanting the M back at all costs (to yourself.)Well, what will be will be....

Glad you had some great GAL - Zumba and Samba sound great! I would love Pink to teach me to Samba.

I'm sad to read about how your S feels. But you're quite right to focus on the bits you CAN do, and not the bits that H is avoiding just now. Those are his to own.

Have a great weekend!! (((pink)))