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Sotto #2572976 05/29/15 05:10 AM
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Clairee Offline OP
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Thanks Twin & Toots for stopping by!

Twin....I would love to be going to Disney! I've not been in years & everytime I make the plans, something always comes up. Maybe one of these days I'll make it back to California & go.

Toots...this rollercoaster just [censored]! Last night had my wine & quiet time to myself to think. I realized it really wasn't him pulling back, it was me. I'm so afraid that because things are moving forward, he will get complacent & stop putting forth effort. I'm sure everyone who was/is at this stage of the repair/rebuild probably felt the same way. It's tough knowing how far to push/pull. Since we are still 30 days from H coming home, I have a lot more alone time to focus on me, my needs, my wants & desires so I can articulate them when we are back together & in MC.

One thing this whole thing has really shown me is how much I needed to change myself & take back control of my life instead of pushing it aside for everyone else. It's also made me face some hard truths about myself that I probably never would have acknowledged. I wasn't the best wife I could be or as attentive as I should have been. Sure I did a lot of things for H & the kids. I made sacrifices for what they wanted. But by neglecting my own needs & wants, I became closed off & resentful. Whether intentional or not, I punished H by ignoring his feelings out of my resentment. And I blamed him for my unhappiness. If I had to find positives in this most painful of situations, I guess my newfound growth is it. Always a silver lining I auppose.

Lazy evening tonight. Having an impromptu movie night with the kids. They're all spread out in the living room with popcorn, candy & sodas watching Percy Jackson movies. It's the little things like this I'm most thankful.


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Sotto #2573584 05/30/15 08:22 PM
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Hi Tweets,

How are you today? wink

I wish you well.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Bob723 #2573775 05/31/15 02:23 PM
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Clairee Offline OP
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Hi Bob! Thanks for stopping by. I'm doing pretty good. It's been a busy weekend playing chauffeur for all the kids. I try to grocery shop during the week when it isn't as crowded, but the week has been so busy I never got the chance. So yesterday, I braved the store. It took forever! I adore my kids, but I don't have much patience for others, especially when Mom is too busy yapping on her cell phone to pay attention to them. Since my kids were old enough to understand words coming out of my mouth, I've had 3 rules for shopping. Be quiet & respectful of those around you, look with your eyes & not your hands, if you want something, you ask politely & if the answer is no, you don't keep asking or we will leave without finishing & they will do additional chores at home for being rude. So when there's a kid running up & down the aisles, screaming & pulling things off the shelf onto the floor & Mom is too busy gossiping about the neighbors, I lose my patience! But I survived it! LOL

Today is laundry & tidy the house day before the school week starts again. They have 2 days of school left. I can't believe S17 is about to be a senior in HS. Time really went by so fast.

How are you doing? I've been following your posts, but hadn't said hello yet. Hope all is good for you.

Tweets


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Hi Tweets! You're welcome, I love trying to help others with advice or words of encouragement. It sure does sound like you've had a busy weekend. It seems like you handled the store as best you could. Good for you! grin

Our children sure do grow up quickly, don't they? My 3 children (from my first marraige) are all in college now. Where does the time go?

I am doing great today, thanks for asking Tweets. Tomorrow, could be a different story. It will be my 14th Wedding Anniversary, and I don't expect to hear my W. I am not going to contact her, either. I'm keeping a positive attitude with the help of the loving, caring folks on the DB site.

(Wonka and Toots have been especially helpful.)

Have a great rest of the weekend.

{{{Tweets}}}


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Bob723 #2573857 05/31/15 06:48 PM
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Clairee Offline OP
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Good to hear today is a good day for you!! We never know what tomorrow may bring & tomorrow is never guaranteed but we can definitely make the most of the day we have been given. The anniversary of H & I dating happened shortly after BD. I was a hot mess!! Now looking back I realize, when BD happened it changed all those anniversaries. Those were tied to my M that was messed up. So I've decided to not celebrate those. Old M is gone. So old anniversaries are gone with it. Onward to a new milestones, new accomplishments & if H really means what he is saying, a new M too. And with all the new comes new anniversaries & celebrations.


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
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Clairee Offline OP
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Ok, need some words of wisdom. Here's the deal...

So H texts me earlier & says he & some of the guys are riding up to OC to support a buddy, not sure of the particulars. No biggie, ride safe. Then an hour or so later H tells me, OW brother will be there. If you've read my sitch, you know one of my boundaries was no contact with OW or her family. I tell H how I feel, I'm not comfortable with it, don't like it, am not happy. But I'm not his mother or his keeper, it's his decision. He knows where I stand & how I feel. H decides to go anyway. Saying he's not going for OW brother, but for friend. H doesn't tell me he's decided to go. I have to ask him what he's decided. I feel like I have to pry the info out of him. I'm fuming right now. H knows my boundaries well. He knew when he said it I wasn't going to be happy or want him to go. This is exactly what I've been worried about. H getting complacent & pushing aside my boundaries/feelings. Now I'm sitting here just pissed off. Thoughts?


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 586
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Even though he "asked" he still knowingly ignored something you feel strongly about. The question is "what did YOU intend to do when he violated one of your boundaries?"

With no consequences boundaries are just hopeful suggestions and begging. Begging is weak, action is strong.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
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Clairee Offline OP
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So it turns out, the reason for going was the friends daughter was hit by a car in front of their house & in ICU. I totally get wanting to be there for your friend. I still have huge issues with the OW brother being around at all. I have issues he didn't tell me why he was going as soon as he knew what had happened. I have restated my boundaries & clearly stated the consequences. Here is what I listed out...

1. Absolutely no contact of any kind in any form with or about OW
2. No unnecessary contact with OW family. If at the hospital or friends house at the same time, very minimal, limited interaction...ie can say hello. No need for chit chat. Once situation is over, no contact.
3. No getting drunk
4. Do not give phone # out randomly. If to another woman, tell me immediately, disclose who she is & there needs to be a reason other than filling time, being friendly or chit chat. I've been down this road, won't do it again.
5. Absolutel full transparency. No secrets. Full disclosure of any & everything. Email, phone, texts, facebook, etc.
6. If going to be out of contact, let me know so I don't wonder about whereabouts
7. If going out all night, call or text occasionally so I know everything is ok. Doesn't need to be every hour but every few hours would be appreciated.
8. If at any time you don't agree with a boundary or feel it should change, discuss it before any situation, not during or after. None of these boundaries prohibit emergency situations & only an emergency would be valid to veer away from them.

As for consequences, I was in no uncertain terms clear that if he agreed to these boundaries, any breaking of them would be the end of any reconciliation.

H agreed. I ask several times if he understood them & the consequences. Asked if he had any questions. Asked if he needed anything at all clarified. Told him I wasn't beating him up with questions but wanted to make absolute sure he fully & without question understood what he was agreeing to. H said he did & he agreed to follow the boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable with any of this?

Last edited by Tweets; 06/02/15 04:03 AM.

M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 95
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Clairee Offline OP
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H said he thought being this kind of situation I would understand. And he's right, if he had told me from the start or as soon as he knew the details. But waiting until after the fact wasn't acceptable. I wanted to make sure from here on out there were no questions about what I would or wouldn't understand. And what he needed to do. I didn't add this to the last post but I did add that if he had any contact with OW family, he needed to let me know as soon as possible & not delay because if I hear it from someone else before him, that's just asking for problems.


M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y
S17,D13 D12
IC 11/2014
BD 4/16/15
H home 6/25/15
OW2 EA 6/26/15
MC started 7/22/15
Baby stepping....
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 586
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 586
Just remember you don't need to keep telling him what your going to do. You just have to do them. Talk is cheap, action is powerful. For instance, if he breaks a boundary telling him you're done reconciling vs. unfriending him on FB or setting an auto reply that his calls, texts, and email are auto-deleted and won't be answered. The first he can talk you out of it, the second it's a done deal where he has to make a real effort to get back, not just smooth talk.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
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