Well, It's been 2 years since my 12 year marriage ended in an unwanted divorce. In April 2013 I was asked to leave the house for a 1 month separation that led to 2 months that led to divorce paperwork that led to mediation that led to divorce. You know the drill. To say the least, it was devastating for me. I didn't want to separate or divorce. I lost my family, wife, daily access to my kids, most of our friends, the church, all of my possessions, the dog, and the majority of my savings. What I did get was a huge alimony bill, an extra large helping of loneliness, a tiny apartment with noisy neighbors, and one unanswered question "Why". Fast forward through 10 months of hell and I met another woman. We dated for a little over a year until the dreaded month of April 2015 when it ended. It ended because I fear getting married again. She was pushing hard for a long term commitment and I panicked, pulled back emotionally, and watched this relationship end in a bright orange ball of flames. The most painful part is that she'd become my best friend. Over the past year the heavy fog of depression and loneliness lifted and I was happy again. I really miss her. After some reflection, I made similar mistakes in this second relationship that I made in my marriage. Mainly, I have a difficult time verbally communicating my feelings and about any topic of utmost concern.
Here's where I need your help! Yup, I said it. I need help. Please send me some super fantastic success stories and tips on overcoming loneliness, falling in love, finding another lifelong partner, conquering your relationship deficiencies, embracing marriage the second time around, and creating family.
I'm a family man at my core, I hate being alone, and want a family again so bad it hurts! I feel that dreaded murky foe of depression descending again. I've spent the last few weeks just getting through the day while barely functioning inside. My 2 daughters are life itself and their hugs, laughter, smiles, little voices, texts, phone calls, and I love Yous keep me going.
Hey, thanks for reading all of that. You are awesome and special and I hope that your life is full of blessings!
M-37 D-7, D-9 I was married for 12 years and divorced in 2013.
Jafman sorry you find yourself here. Welcome to the board. How come you shut down emotionally. Do you avoid conflict? I avoided conflict. I only dealt with it by getting angry. If she broke it off because you wouldn't get marry than she wasnt the right person. But not sure if that is how it went down. Dont be in a rush to start a family. I get the loneliness. Try to embrace it.get to know yourself. Are you in counseling? Like I said I avoided conflict but I learned to say whats on my mind. No anger attached. Keep posting
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I also think that we need to FIX ourselves before we have a relationship with someone else.
I agree with Cadet wholeheartedly on this. Those who do not work on their past issues/problems are bound to repeat them in future relationships.
As for success stories - I think there are several on this board of which I'd like to think mine is included. With the proper work, insight and personal growth it is possible to find a satisfying and lasting relationship. However it starts with an honest assessment of yourself, what your role and issues were in past failed relationships/marriages, addressing and dealing with those before you set out on building a new one.
Jafman... I know it felt good to be back in a relationship, but I would suggest that perhaps ten months after your split was too soon. And a grown woman (please tell me she was grown) who was pushing you for marriage after a year has some issues of her own I bet. I'm sorry it ended badly but suspect in the future you'll look back and see it was for the best. I'm a success story. My H of 24 years left me 6 years ago. I decided to learn to play the drums. Now I play in a punk rock cover band, and I spent the last three days in a recording studio with professional musicians playing mallet percussion for a friend's new album.
I have my own business and am invited to speak as an expert at conferences of my peers. I dated a succession of lovely but unavailable men after my divorce (ALL of whom are still friends and think I'm great) and now I've been in a relationship for two years with a man who treats me like a queen. It took a while for ME to be clear on what I wanted before I found him.
My advice is, focus on some fun big goal (train to climb a mountain, learn to play an instrument, whatever). Get involved in social activities that aren't just about dating. (Try meetup dot com). Work on figuring out healthier ways to deal with conflict. Just don't let your neediness lead you into a relationship too soon. Shop around!
Jafman - be sure to check out Mozza's thread in Newcomer's. He has many success stories posted in there for various different kinds of relationships.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Yes, look at my thread for success stories. You'll notice a category called "Let go" about people who moved on without reconciling, or even turned down reconciliation. Success for me is when we're happy again, not necessarily when we reconcile.
Personally, therapy has helped me a lot to find the source of my feelings. Instead of focusing on a single solution (being in a couple), I encourage you to try to know yourself better, understand why loneliness is so tough on you for instance. Work on these issues and you'll be a stronger man all around.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
