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STBX just dropped off kids. It felt so good to see the kids! I must have been smiling a mile wide. STBX dressed D4 in the outfit I bought her on purpose. That made me feel good.

I was expecting a drive way drop but she asked if she come inside to get her mail. STBX brought back some of my vintage concert tshirts she used to wear at night. No big deal. We made small talk about the kids and then STBX began to say her goodbyes. She gave all the kids a kiss and then walked over to give me a hug. After a few moments, I let go and she walked toward the door. We said our goodbyes but I didn't wish her a good night. STBX said she would see me Monday morning. I then turned around towards the kids and she let herself out. A few moments later, I turned around and STBX was waving at me through the sliding glass door.

Not at all how I expected it to go. STBX didn't bring up anything so I just went with the flow. I was friendly and relaxed but really excited to see the kids. Very much like every other kid exchange.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to my big weekend with the kiddos. Hopefully STBX will leave us alone.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Hi Defacto,

I wish I could've seen that smile! I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days.

What’s new with you? Any GAL activities planned for the weekend with the kids?

Take care!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
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Defacto Offline OP
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Hi Bob,
Thanks for checking in. Nothing major in my sitch. Just trying to pull back some more and set some boundaries.

As far as this weekend is concerned, the kids have some great things planned. We already grilled and chowed down on a giant steak. Tonight, D4 and I will have a sleep over, watch a movie, make popcorn, etc. Saturday afternoon, the kids and I will be at a birthday party. I'm also thinking about taking the kids to the zoo on Sunday morning. I'm also considering a trip to the local children's museum. We should have a blast!


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Hi Defacto,

You're most welcome. Wow, sounds like a good time?

May I join you?? LOL

Have a BLAST!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
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Sounds like fun. Enjoy!


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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Defacto Offline OP
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Just a quick update and then out for the day.

STBX didn't call last night from work like she usually does. I thought to myself, maybe she's finally getting it. D4 and I had a fun night watching a movie, eating treats, and snuggling. I woke up this morning feeling good about the day. Then, STBX calls. I let it ring. 45 minutes later, she calls again. I let it ring. She follows up the calls with a text saying she just wanted to say hi to D4. I don't respond to this either.

I'm sure she will continue to text and call throughout the day. I don't plan to answer or respond. The problem is every time she calls or texts I get a pit in my stomach. Ugh.

STBX needs to realize that my time with the kids is sacred and she needs to respect that. I'm not going to be taking calls from her the next 18 years just to say hi to the kids.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
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Defacto Offline OP
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Oh yeah, I wanted to share a funny, yet heartbreaking thing my D4 said last night as we were snuggling. She said, "Daddy, you need a wife. When are you getting a new wife?" I wasn't exactly sure how to respond, so I laughed and said, "I don't know."

D4 is a smart cookie. She's very perceptive and who knows what STBX is telling her. Unfortunately, I'm starting to get used to these little comments from D4. I probably need to start reading up on how to help D4 with this transition.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
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Defacto Offline OP
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Oh Geez. STBX called 6 more times and texted me threatening to call the police. I felt, at this point, I needed to answer a call to make sure she understood my stance.

So I called STBX back. She told me she had driven by my house and was flipping out about the kids. I remained calm and told her the kids were fine. They were with their father. I talked about how our time with the kids is sacred. Now that the time is split, it's even more sacred. I said I miss the kids a bunch, but out of respect to her, I don't want to interrupt her time with the kids. I mentioned that she doesn't need to check on the kids every morning.

She said that its my choice to not talk with the kids when she has them. She said that the kids want to talk with me when she has them and she assumed the reverse was true. She said that the kids need to talk with their father. I responded by saying that there are no winners in this situation.

STBX then threatened me that if I continue to "use the kids as a weapon," I will have even less time with them from a custody standpoint.

She said that this was just me doing more of the same. That I did this all of our MR. STBX said that we were not good together and she wasn't happy for a very long time. I just listened and validated where applicable.

I restated my initial point and moved toward ending the call by saying I would see her on Monday morning.

I obviously didn't want to get into this conversation but it was inevitable and I felt the sooner the better.

I could really use some advice from some vets who have been in this sitch with young kids. It don't think it will go away if I ignore it. How did you handle the other parent's request to check in on the kids during your time with the kids?

Last edited by Defacto; 05/30/15 03:00 PM.

Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
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Defacto,

I want to say this with compassion: I believe strongly that parents should be able to speak to their kids-- particularly young kids -- during the other parent's time.

I know you are hurt and angry, and that you think she should "suffer" the consequences of her decision, which includes losing time with her children. But I urge you to do what is in the best interest of your children-- which is to allow them to speak to their mother, even though it was not your choice to put them in this situation. This is already tough on them-- don't make it worse.

What kind of relationship do you want to have with the mother of your children going forward? What do you want to model for them? How would you answer them if they were old enough to ask, "Why didn't you let me talk to mommy when she called?"

Dig deep on this, and ask yourself why you made that choice--and whether you can choose a different path.

You can set a reasonable boundary-- once per day, perhaps, and even a time frame, so that you are not getting calls all the time, but I think it's very important that kids as young as yours have regular, if not daily, contact with both parents.

If my H did what you did (not responding to calls and texts asking me to speak to my child), I would probably have been just as upset.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Claire,
Thanks so much for your response. This is certainly new terrain for me so your perspective is highly valued.

I admit that I crossed into this territory with guns blazing. I fully expected STBX to ask about it last night. I knew this component would be problematic with regards to the kids.

My priorities are what is best for the kids and what is best for me, all while attempting to be respectful to their mother. My main goal was to establish a boundary that allowed me to detach. However, I admit I also felt it was important for STBX to fully visualize the future of a likely D, a reality of extended time away from her children.

But, I feel a compromise can be made, while still establishing a boundary to achieve both my goals.
I think it is reasonable and important for the other parent to speak with the children nightly.

The proposed plan: the other parent can send a text between 6-8pm and then the children will call to speak with the other parent.

Thoughts? Suggestions?


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
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