The story so far... -STBX involved in A since late December/early January 2015 -I begin versions of LRT in mid-February -STBX moves in with her parents first week of April -I expose A to OM's W in mid-April -STBX threatens to file for D immediately following exposure of A -Holding pattern for now -Pulling farther back from STBX
As a refresher, this is the text dialogue between STBX and I today:
W: Let me know if ignoring phone calls and text messages is going to be the new normal so I can know who I should contact in case of emergency.
W: Great. You've chosen to make this ugly. Good job.
Me: Hi. I've been super busy. If there is an emergency with the kids, please call or text me. I'll make myself available when it concerns them.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
The story so far... -STBX involved in A since late December/early January 2015 -I begin versions of LRT in mid-February -STBX moves in with her parents first week of April
OK.
Originally Posted By: Defacto
-I expose A to OM's W in mid-April
Excellent, excellent job.
Perfect.
I exposed my Mrs' affair too and have never regretted it. Not for one single nanosecond.
Originally Posted By: Defacto
-STBX threatens to file for D immediately following exposure of A
Script.
Originally Posted By: Defacto
-Holding pattern for now
Script.
Originally Posted By: Defacto
-Pulling farther back from STBX
Good.
Originally Posted By: Defacto
As a refresher, this is the text dialogue between STBX and I today:
W: Let me know if ignoring phone calls and text messages is going to be the new normal so I can know who I should contact in case of emergency.
W: Great. You've chosen to make this ugly. Good job.
Script. Ignore it. Kudos to you for not rising to the bait.
Originally Posted By: Defacto
Me: Hi. I've been super busy. If there is an emergency with the kids, please call or text me. I'll make myself available when it concerns them.
Excellent.
Very, very well done. Perfect.
You get this process.
Keep doing this.
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
T0 & GH, Thanks so much for the support and vote of confidence. I need it as both of you know how tough this is.
Just a brief update, well there's really not much. There's been NC with STBX since the text exchange yesterday. Last night, met up with some friends and flooded the jukebox with Steely Dan, Cat Stevens, A Tribe Called Quest, and the Breeders.
Tonight, STBX will drop off the kids and I will have them through Monday morning. Tonight, D4 and I will probably have a sleep over, watch a movie, make popcorn, etc. I picked up a giant steak because my beautiful kids love to eat medium rare meat cooked on the grill. I obviously did something right as a father! Saturday afternoon, the kids and I will be at a birthday party. I'm also thinking about taking the kids to the zoo on Sunday morning. Phew. Sounds exhausting and I love it!
It would be wise to expect STBX to lash out tonight when she drops off the kids. I'm expecting her to ask why I am pulling back. If she asks, I will validate and explain that I've been busy but each parent deserves to have uninterrupted time with the kids when it is their time with them. If she asks why we can't still be friends, I will keep it short and say that I just don't think that's possible right now.
Thoughts?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
It would be wise to expect STBX to lash out tonight when she drops off the kids. I'm expecting her to ask why I am pulling back. If she asks, I will validate and explain that I've been busy but each parent deserves to have uninterrupted time with the kids when it is their time with them. If she asks why we can't still be friends, I will keep it short and say that I just don't think that's possible right now.
Thoughts?
Your explanation is fine, but it's really not "validating" unless you preface it with something like "I can understand how it would seem that way" or something similar.
Your explanation, while okay, opens you up to an immediate response from her of "Why?" So at some point you're going to have to say something like "Because having an affair and then lying about it, isn't how friends treat each other. But I'll always be courteous and civil."
I totally agree with this 100%. "So at some point you're going to have to say something like "Because having an affair and then lying about it, isn't how friends treat each other. But I'll always be courteous and civil."
At some point you will have to say that out loud. Of course the way you state it will have a profound impact on whether it sticks or not. I believe that stating it like you are over it and not like you are lashing out, is very important.
Sounds like you have a wonderful weekend planned. Good luck and have fun!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Starsky/Mahhhty, I agree and I need not be afraid of the confrontation. My hunch is that it will take place tonight. And I will be ready for it. I will be calm and easygoing like all of our interactions. And I'm definitely looking forward to the weekend with the kiddos.
In regards to the validation piece, I think it could go something like this: W: I don't understand why we just can't be friends. Me: Yeah, I understand why it's tough. We were best friends for almost 11 years. I just can't be friends with you right now. W: But why? Me: Honestly? Because friends don't have an affair and lie about it. But I promise to be courteous and civil.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I would just caution you to not give her any ammunition. Your projected responses sound a little combative and possible to get in a back and forth conversation.
Obviously, you know yourself best, but for me I have a scripted response already (my X didn't have an A that I know of, but if I ever learned of one, this would be my response)
W: I don't understand why we just can't be friends. Me: I understand that you would like to be friends. I will continue to show you the respect & civility you deserve as the Mother of our wonderful children. At this time, I can not give you what you want, because of the lying and cheating, which disrespected our children, our family, our relationship and me.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Thanks Mahhhty, I think you're right. I will continue to tweak it and practice saying it LOL. However, I do think once I mention the A, it's inevitable that STBX will get defensive.
STBX did send a flurry of D motivated financial texts this morning (send me latest copies of accounts, copy of deed to house). She also called but I didn't answer it. I waited 15 minutes and replied with "Sure, no problem."
Mind reading, but it seems like my new stance may have renewed her intent for D. She hadn't mentioned anything about it for a couple of weeks. Either way, I needed to set these boundaries moving forward, regardless of the outcome.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Mind reading, but it seems like my new stance may have renewed her intent for D. She hadn't mentioned anything about it for a couple of weeks. Either way, I needed to set these boundaries moving forward, regardless of the outcome.
Yes, you're mindreading. She could be bluffing, or she may have had all these things in the works anyway, who knows. The bottom line is (and you immediately recognized it yourself) either you could have lived with this (open marriage, deceit, disrespect) or you couldn't. It either violated your core boundaries of personal integrity, or it didn't. So you really had nothing to lose to taking a strong stance, because her continued infidelity isn't something you could have abided anyway.
