Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Last thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2572602&#Post2572602

Today all the mile stones have been passed. It was our anniversary today but not a peep from H. No expectations right especially after the email yesterday, telling me when I next court date is for D.

Moving on, letting go! How my heart still hurts so much!


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,458
N
NDY Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,458
Originally Posted By: Smothy
anniversary today but not a peep from H. No expectations right especially after the email yesterday, telling me when I next court date is for D.

Moving on, letting go! How my heart still hurts so much!


Hi Smothy

Feel for you pal, I really do. My Anniversary is in July. Not looking forward to it at all.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Originally Posted By: Pyrite
Thanks Smothy smile You are a sweetheart.

i'm flat, numb. nothing to say. nothing to ask.

just going through the motions.
I think i am just tired, over it. i have been going at this at a million miles an hour. i feel like i am at the end.

i was frantic holding the rope like i was falling off a bridge, or into a canyon. In the beginning my W was holding the other end of the rope and i saw BD as the first cut into the rope and the first few months as the rope fraying further because of the cut.

Then I realised that she wasn't holding the rope at all. The rope was tied onto a branch or rock or girder. But it was still fraying. I realised that I HAD needed her to hold on to the rope. But she doesn't need or want that.

Time will heal you in the sense that the rope will eventually fray all the way through regardless. But I let go. I am/was falling towards the ground in slow motion. numb. in free fall. sometimes I feel like I have hit the ground, or a less gruesome picture is that I was standing and held a rope, dropping it to the ground and it fell in slow motion.

The rope hit the ground, and now i am staring at it. The still picture IS/MAY still be in slow motion. Regardless, it is unchanging. I am just waiting for something to happen. My life to start again.

make sense?


there have been significant logistical things going on, and emotionally these should be more of a big deal than I am feeling. i will post about this later. maybe even start a new thread.


Hi Pyrite, I am feeling like you, realising that I am the only one holding onto the rope. Time to let go. Even if we are both holding the rope is frayed and will break eventually. That is how I am feeling today.

Had a little hope that maybe H will contact. How silly of me. I need to stop loving someone who gave up so,easily on us. Let the rope go!

I don't see it in slow motion but something swift with no turning back. I know as soon as I do this I will be done, that's why I am finding detachment so difficult.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
((((Smothy))))
Tomorrow is a new day. PMA. Smothy-centric MA.
-Py

NDY - we separated on anniversary. W thought it was amusing, funny, something we could laugh at together. Saw her again today. She's so happy. She's living the dream. Thanks.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Woke up,this morning feeling rested and ready to move on, tonight a different matter. All the Why questions going around in my head.

I want to cry but can not release the hurt and pain. Why can I not do this, I know he has moved on, why can't I?


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Hi Pyrite

It won't be funny when Mr Ukraine gets binned out of Oz and she's looking silly. Then it'll be your turn to laugh.

Hi Smoothy

My anniversary in August, so a way to go yet. I'm having a bit of a slide back today (I'll explain on my own thread) - it's OK. You're human. You've been together a long time. He's got a big part to play in your split. You'll recover stronger because of what's going on now to make somebody an even better W!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Huddy,

i can almost guarantee W will be dumped when VISA is turned down or she has done her job in providing the "relationship with a citizen", to get him permanent residency.

BUT I can almost guarantee that I won't cross her mind then (in the light i would want to anyway) and my laughter will be hollow. At any rate the "karma" she will suffer (do i want to punish her anyway?) will not be worse than mine is now anyway. She will grieve for a ~2 year R with no kids that has broken up. Piece of cake in comparrisson to what I have lost!

There is a chance that everything will come back to haunt her. Given that she has blocked everything out now, and re-written history to avoid taking responsibility for how her actions have/are affecting the WHOLE family, I dout this'll happen.

Besides, this will be in 2-3 years. I could even be re-M by then who knows. Seems very unlikely that I will ever be in another R right now but ....... Almost guaranteed that I won't care about s**t in her life at all.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Originally Posted By: Smothy
I don't see it in slow motion but something swift with no turning back. I know as soon as I do this I will be done, that's why I am finding detachment so difficult.


you THINK you know. I felt this way. some times it is true and she is severed completely. sometimes the pain is back in full swing. sometimes she is just a dull pain.

if you were to plot your detachment vs your pain they would mirror each other. i.e. as one goes up the other goes down. While there are certain points at which the slope of the curves increases/decreases dramatically, I dont think there are any "steps". On a weekly scale lets say the curve is always smooth and gradual.

At BD, and shortly thereafter detachment sits on zero, and pain is at a maximum. In the first few months the curves start increasing/decreasing but fluctuate wildly on an hourly scale. This scale of fluctuations smooths out.

i know what you mean about not being able to cry. i feel guilty that i can't. i think i am all cried out. subconsciously i am in survival mode. consciously i am pretty much trying to get to the same place - being detached.

i am generally pretty good at it. Until I am face to face with her and I just go berserk in my head. she might not be doing it deliberately but she is rubbing m face in it big time.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Feel ok, but numb today. Pain and detachment goes hand in hand.

Saw he deleted to trash, a Happy Anniversary, spam in our household internet account. No other mail touched. As expected no word from him. I know this is a good thing. So hard to have NO expectations.

Shall I let H apply for the financial Order, now we have a date for the decree nisi. I don't want to make it easy for him and as DB coach said not speed things. However, part of me knows that if I apply, we can be formally divorced by the time I move to my new job abroad. A good time for a new chapter/ beginning perhaps?


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
He's making a point Smoothy - relax about it. Wait until he sees you in the flesh.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Dear Smothy,

Originally Posted By: ^
Had a little hope that maybe H will contact. How silly of me. I need to stop loving someone who gave up so,easily on us. Let the rope go


Yes you do need to let go, but dont assume he did so easily. For a few reasonns: 1 - it is not necessarily true anyway. He might have suffered for a long time. Perhaps he experienced the grief you are now over a period of years, whereas you are experiencing a huge hit all at once. 2- dont assume this because it diminishes how important you were to him, and that is just elf defeating negativity.

3- i don't want to diminish the grandeur and divinity of love - it is what makes life worth living, but love is a biochemical, established, familiar neural pathway phenomenon. YOU can control this AND right now there is a good chance that your emotional reaction to "being dumped" are in control of this. LOVE should not come from this. I don't doubt that you loved your husband, I am just pointing out that there is a strong possibility that your feelings of LOVE now, are exaggerated.

For instance, you played with co-worker ON YOUR OWN. BBTW in a previous post to Huddy you mentioned a guy you picked up in a club? Was this the same guy or was there more than one?

4 - Zeus has made some excellent posts recently on feeling compassion for your STBX. I feel this remotely but when I am in contact wither I can't hold on this far. I am struggling to be civil, courteous etc in the face of the cake eating b**ch. However, this compassion grows each time and it warms your heart. AND THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT. Nurture your heart Smothy, feel love. Part of this is not belittling Ss decision or the ease with which they made it.

OK - so deleted anniversary message - WTF?!!!!!? who cares Smothy? The guy has filed for D. Don't let these TINY things get the better of you. You have real reasons to feel like s**t.

I don't want to detract from Huddy's encouragement that "wait till he sees you in the flesh", I am just cautious in this respect. Dont get your hopes up. I dont want to see you heartbroken again.

....back in a minute ....


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Hi Pyrite, I know how difficult it was for H to make the decision to D. I could see and hear how painful it was for him.

When I say give up so 'easily' I mean without any intention to try. Even within a few weeks of saying he wanted a D and whilst I was abroad, he told me 'don't ever think I don't love you'.

In regards, to 'picking up' a guy at a club. I was pursued by others and I was feeling low and thinking of using this as a way to self medicate to get myself out of this funk. It was a moment, but did not act on it.

I was thinking of all the reasons why I would want H and it was simply because I love him. I know he is hurting and has hurt over the years, I am just sorry it has come to this for us now.

I am placing, no expectations, when I get back to the UK as. It will be so easy to be broken again. I don't know how we would interact. The day I left, he was loving caring, and intimate.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
I hope all the best for you Smothy. ((((xxxx))))


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Thank you, Pyrite. I have valued your support so much. I am not in a place where I can give any good advice to you.

((((xxxx)))) to you too!


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Hello Smothy,

Sorry, I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days. I haven't forgotten about you. smile

Any GAL activities planned for the weekend?

Please try to do something for yourself that is fun. It will help.

xoxoxo

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Thanks for checking in, Bob.

Not much planned this weekend, but will start to work on it now :-)


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
You're welcome, Smothy. Good for you!

*Hugs*

and

more

*Hugs*

Bob smile


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
I just read this on Pig Pen's thread by Zues, in relation to meeting up with S again

What does done right mean? Really, no expectations. And no pursuit. I would think the correct delivery would be almost like a saying non-verbally "I was wrong in our M, I am sorry for the pain this caused, I know it's too late and we're going different and I'm glad you'll recover, I too will recover and am getting the help I need to be ok, so to someone that once was a big part of my life take care and know the future will be good for both of us".

I need help where I can do this and say this without emotion. Reading this, made me well up. Thank you for showing me where I need to be.

Zues, I am waking up feeling less detached, thinking about my future (new job abroad, meeting new people etc) and am very excited about this. My anxiety rockets when I think of what will happen in a few weeks time when I am back in the UK.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
After Zeus posted that Smothy, I did just that - practiced saying it. I knew I was going to have the same issue, getting emotional with it.

I've said it in the mirror a few times and that was hard too, since that meant it was real and not something that would happen sometime in the future. But I did find just saying the words over and over helped.

After getting home too I realized that I had put a lot of weight on the triggers that would be here. We got married here in my town and of course have memories plastered everywhere. What I didn't factor in was the amount of support, despite the triggers. Nor the effect of the work that I had done on myself.

Please go bravely back to the UK. I'm sure there are a lot of folks that have missed you and will simply love you despite your marital challenge. It's much easier being home than it was anticipating it, kind of like a sporting event or race. When you're in it, you're reacting to it but the build up is hard.

Big hug.


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Thank you, Pig Pen, only a very few close friends know. H and I agreed not to say anything until we spoke to our son face to fact together.

I too will practice saying this in front of the mirror. I have a note on my mirror which says

Accept what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be
Wanting Reality to be different than it is, is HOPELESS.

I read this everyday to give me strength and guidance. God Bless.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Hey Smothy. Just want you to know I'm still following your thread. I haven't felt as posty lately. But know that I'm rooting you on and in your corner.

Py quoted one of your comments about "I don't want to detach because I know I'll be done". That stood out to me as well. Your feelings will change, but they don't control you or your sitch. And detaching truly is a necessary step regardless of the future.

As for the "why" questions, those are good conversations to have with yourself to a point. Different people have different ideas of what's ok to "change up" in their lives. Some people get a new haircut. Some people switch careers. To me leaving a spouse just isn't done, and it's been painful and sad for me to realize this is so common nowadays. I remember asking my STBX at BD if she'd put my son up for adoption under any circumstance. She said 'of course not'. I said "I thought we were family too". It blows me away people make these choices.

But they do. And it's devastating. And everything you're doing is healthy. I'm glad you're suffering or I'd be afraid of you and think you're sociopathic. You've been betrayed and have suffered a loss that can never be fully healed with tremendous consequences to you and your family. Yes, it's going to rock your emotional world for a long time.

My DB coach told me of a woman that was suffering in the hospital. A priest visited her and asked her "how would you like me to pray for you?" She didn't ask him to pray for the pain to stop. She asked him to pray that she didn't waste her suffering. We all suffer. Human condition. There are things in this world that are tragic. It's ok to feel that. Find meaning in your suffering, and know you aren't alone.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Thank you, Zues. I am detaching a lot better than last week. I have not looked at his FB or anything since 10th May. A huge turning point me. I can't say the desire to, is not there though.

I have had lots of vivid dreams about H and I together, holding hands etc. so real that I wake up with my heart hammering. Last night I dreamt of H and I in a restaurant but, bizarrely, the focus of the dream was the food. I could 'hear' H but the imagery of him hardly featured in the dream at all.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Meant to say, the WHYs are not hurting me as much, in fact, Some days, I am able to push the anger that comes with the questions away and work through it.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 290
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 290
Originally Posted By: Smothy


Moving on, letting go! How my heart still hurts so much!


I'm wondering the very same thing dear Smothy! My mind is positively driving me crazy, checking FB, looking when he's online, reading waaay to much into everything..

I know how it hurts, I hope we both make it out on the other side!!!

Big hug!!


M: 44 H: 43
ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect.
"This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15
Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15
It's over: 9/5
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
We will Tulo, I am beginning to come to the conclusion we want what we can't have. I love H but held on so tightly because it was him that let go first and my fear of rejection/ abandonment kept me suffering.

With Letting go, hurting does lessens, little by little.

Big hug to you too!


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
need some advice from my dear forum friends here.

I have sent MIL some flowers for her bday (not unusual thing for me to do) she has just messaged me thanking me, and she hopes to see me in the Summer when I return. She lives over 3.5 hr drive away. Shall I reply to the email, if so how? H has spoken to her about D in January. She did not reply to the email I sent her to wish her a Happy Mothers Day in March.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Originally Posted By: Tulo
Originally Posted By: Smothy


Moving on, letting go! How my heart still hurts so much!


I'm wondering the very same thing dear Smothy! My mind is positively driving me crazy, checking FB, looking when he's online, reading waaay to much into everything..

I know how it hurts, I hope we both make it out on the other side!!!

Big hug!!


Tulo, I meant to say, checking my H FB and our joint accounts drove me crazy and just hurt me more. Please stop if you can. I have to actively say NO every time I want to. It has been nearly 3 weeks since I have last checked, but I still want to, so very much.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 290
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 290
I will try dear Smothy and thank you for the advice. It is totally driving me mental! Today anxiety was so high I went to the pharmacy and bought some natural herbal anxiety medication. Seems to be helping a little.

Think this being let go could definitely be a factor in this being harder.. But him adding that woman yesterday and not being on FB for 20 hours (not totally unusual for him but still) it drives me crazy thinking of why.. Is he with someone else, doing what.. Well, mind is absolutely spinning.

Thanks for the "not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do" felt a bit better. Need these reminders constantly it seems.

We said we'd meet this week, I'll wait and see how it goes!

And I'll do what you do, tell me NO when I want to check his FB. Thanks for the tip!

Hugs!!


M: 44 H: 43
ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect.
"This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15
Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15
It's over: 9/5
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Leave Facebook alone. It's the tool of the devil! It's an imaginary outlet for people who can't communicate in the real world, with real people.

You guys are real. You have feelings, you have hurt, you have soul. What you see on a computer screen is just images and meaningless words. When did anybody really mean 'I love you' in a facebook message? It's got to be face to face. They have to want that interaction.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Received an email from H thanking me for sending his mum flowers for her Birthday and said his mum would like to see me. He has told her I would see her when I get back!!

Also in email asking for dates when I am coming to back, something I have given him already.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,458
N
NDY Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,458
Hi Smothy

I get that a lot from my WW (the forgetting things) which is strange because:
A) she is a woman and women never forget anything and
B) see A

It must be a symptom of something. Strange, but my memory is much sharper these days. Perhaps it's a motivational or survival thing. Not sure but weird phenomenon.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
H has text to say he can no longer pick me up at the airport as he is away for work then. Feeling strangely disappointed and relief!

ironic, since DB coach and I only talked yesterday about goals for this meeting.

Do I need to answer with a validating and positive response?


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Originally Posted By: NDY
Hi Smothy

I get that a lot from my WW (the forgetting things) which is strange because:
A) she is a woman and women never forget anything and
B) see A

It must be a symptom of something. Strange, but my memory is much sharper these days. Perhaps it's a motivational or survival thing. Not sure but weird phenomenon.


NDY, this made me laugh. Maybe our spouse are using 'memory loss' to help them cope with what they have done. :-)


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
I think I'd just say "thanks for the heads up".

Don't want to break the 5 word maximum rule...:)


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Hi Smoothy

Memory loss from my W as well. Just part of the script!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Just finished Ft with DS. Just found out an incident from him on Thurs (our Anniversary date). DS had to call H to pick up at 4.30am in the morning as he too much to drink and was feeling really ill and thought 'he was going to die'

I am feeling quite hurt and cross that H was not able to tell me about it but was ok to put it on FB. I have not snooped, DS asked me if I seen it. Told him no and I still haven't looked though very tempted.

Can I approach h about this (not telling me)? What is the best approach?
I know DS is 19. He said H was Ok about what had happened. We still share co parenting ( I know DS is an adult) but he hardly discuss anything with me that is happening In the UK, like this incident and agreeing to allow him to drive abroad. Am I overreacting, that I feel I have a right to know?

Also, now received a further text now, saying he can pick me up from the airport after all, he is abroad the following week. I can't detach like this.

Please can someone give me some good advice.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
That is wrong about the drunken incident. Every youth has been through that and that's when your parents shine through.

Let him pick you up from the airport. Maybe it was an honest mistake. I'm a great believer in looking at someone. Just seeing you might make him think again. Look your best, look confident. Detach if it goes badly.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
I am grateful that DS was able to tell me about this incident and call H. I wasn't upset about the incident, just the fact I feel that H is not telling me information about DS that I feel I should know.

I don't feel this is about control.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
survival is about control Smothy. Is this overboard and unhealthy? I don't think so. You have the right, but your H has the right to not feel the same urgency. Expect to be disappointed by your H's actions not being what you would want, and be pleasantly surprised by the +ves. Whatever the future holds.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Pyrite!

I wonder where you'd got to. Have you been away?


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Hi Pyrite, I have missed you! DS going on holiday yesterday. H has text today to
Say he has arrived safetly. Probably doesn't know that DS had text me last night.

Just thinking I didn't extend the same curtesy to inform H as I knew DS would contact him too.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
hey Huddy, next week I will be smile - soaking up the sun, or at least less wintery than here down south. been L-ing, flat, busy


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Originally Posted By: Smothy
Hi Pyrite, I have missed you! DS going on holiday yesterday. H has text today to
Say he has arrived safetly. Probably doesn't know that DS had text me last night.

Just thinking I didn't extend the same curtesy to inform H as I knew DS would contact him too.


Thanks Smothy, i missed you too. There you go hey, not even a day later and already an example of how your actions towards him and his actions towards you are not necessarily reliable indicators. Or did you purposely not let him know? Anyway, he DID tell you he was safe. Not to be misinterpreted as HOPE though Smothy.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Hi Pyrite, I didn't let him know as I didn't want to text him unnecessary, and for him to see it as pursuing re Sandi's rule. It was deliberate from that perspective but not 'tit for tat'. BTW is was H letting me know Son was safe, son had driven abroad. not H telling me that H was safe. I don't think H would do that as he has given me no personal information about what he is doing etc since March.

You are right about HOPE, still keeping more attached than I should be. I am proud to say that this is getting better. My days spent 'pinging' the elastic in my wrists are over. I still have not looked at FB or accounts.

How is your situation, Pyrite? hugs to you! thank you.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Not sure what happened to the reply I wrote,

It was H telling me DS was safe, as it was the first time he drove abroad.

It wasn't a 'tit for tat' thing, just conscious of not replying because it may seem as pursuing.

However, today H emailed to say that DS is having a good time and did I hear about DS news. I replied saying no, it was good DS was enjoying himself. No response from H. Some times I feel I am being rude for not replying them regret it as I wait from a reply from H, even though I should have no expectations.

Last edited by Smothy; 06/05/15 03:30 PM.

Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Maybe testing you. Is he picking you up from Airport? So, what is DS's news?


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Good news about DS was re his summer placement. I text back great anything we need to do and his reply was cold today saying, nope he will sort out his end.

With hindsight, I shouldn't of used the word 'we' but I meant his in the context of him and I not 'us' what a minefield the words we use are.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Dear Smothy,

I understand that your situation is complicated by the fact that you are returning home and understandably hoping for a bounce. But as an objective 3rd party I honestly dont see it. There really hasn't been any evidence to suggest otherwise and a lot to suggest that it won't be more than a dead cat bounce.

Of course my opinions are tainted by my own life at present and subsequent belief in recent post elsewhere (Zeus' thread) which is really about realisation of the inevitable.

In this light can I suggest that you forget about detaching as such and just think about letting go, and why you can't. What can't you let go of specifically, and why?

For example, I have let go of my W per se, but a nagging issue was that I needed her to be sorry. Not for ending the M and having an A, but for her ongoing horrendous treatment. She doesn't see it this way. She feels she is perfectly justified in screwing this guy in our shared house etc. I know she doesn't really think it is all OK simply because she can't admit it to anyone except me that sits on the evidence. In fact she flat out denies it.

So, I thought I had let go of needing this authentic apology. However recent communications have set me back again. She actually denies ending the M. )MC has it on record, aside from several others.) And then in the next sentence acknowledges that she is screwing her OM in our bed. And I should get used to it.

So I have to let go of needing her to acknowledge what actually happened. I have never denied it, to her or anyone, that I was a shitty H. But she won't even admit that she was the one who dropped the bomb. Why do I need her to admit this? Obviously because I want to win one last argument. But where does this come from. How can I curb it?

So for you - let go. Focus on letting your H go off to his new life. Let go of why you are fixated on every word. The difference is subtle, and maybe half the work in achieving this letting go is working out what is different between this and detaching from it.

Maybe a starting point is that you have to let go, before you can detach.

good luck.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
of course it isn't so straight forward, you let go, detach,let go, detach, let go detach, accept, let go, detach ---- and then back to acceptance again, and even shock.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Hello Pyrite, thank you for the above advice. I thought I had let go a little and detached, but I am still placing far too much emphasis on what H is doing and what would happen when we see each other.

I thought about why I can't let go specifically and the answer is that I am scared to admit to myself I have failed at my M. I know that when I get back to the UK, I have to start telling my family and friends. I still harbour some hope that if there was a chance we R, I would not have to do this. I feel ashamed that this is the case and that H wants someone else, and I was not enough for him.

Sorry this sounds like a a poor me, pity party.

On a positive note, went to a Lake today, and spent the day with old and new friends. H only popped into my head a few times and these were fleeting.

I had a conversation with a friend and she said too much damage has been done for us to ever R. How will I ever forget the hurt and pain he put me through. A good question?


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Originally Posted By: Pyrite
of course it isn't so straight forward, you let go, detach,let go, detach, let go detach, accept, let go, detach ---- and then back to acceptance again, and even shock.


So, so true, I sometimes feel I am going through this cycle many times in just a day. I think I have let go and detached and then I realise I am very far away from that goal of not even thinking about H in any decisions I make.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Originally Posted By: Smothy
Hello Pyrite, thank you for the above advice. I thought I had let go a little and detached, but I am still placing far too much emphasis on what H is doing and what would happen when we see each other.


way to much! frown

Originally Posted By: Smothy

I thought about why I can't let go specifically and the answer is that I am scared to admit to myself I have failed at my M. I know that when I get back to the UK, I have to start telling my family and friends. I still harbour some hope that if there was a chance we R, I would not have to do this. I feel ashamed that this is the case and that H wants someone else, and I was not enough for him.


I hope you realise this isn't a basis for a healthy M? In the first instance, after BD, I would expect the reaction to be something like "I just can't stand the thought of being without him, all our dreams, and past crushed etc". After a while this might degenerate into more specific things - like in my case I whinged about - "I can't let her not see things the way I see they are", even though I feel it is pretty damned obvious that she is behaving horribly. But the important part is that in "". If I can let her see things however she likes, then it doesn't matter how accurate, good or bad that might be.

A few more specific things. My father was the 1st to find out after BD. He tried to console me, but the 1st advice he gave me was dont worry about what other people think. This is typical of him. And I snapped back at him, you dont get it do you, I dont give **** what other people think, I want my M.

I doubt it very much that he belongs on the pedestal you put him on. I doubt that you are the sole reason the M failed. You have said that he blames your controlling nature. But you have also described him as non-confrontational etc. SO the things you took control of, why didn't he do the things you believed were necessary for your family. He blames you personality and the shadow it cast over him. So how is that your fault? Maybe your personality was/is born of other insecurities, but that is what a personality is. Everything that goes into making a person what they are. I can almost guarantee you that WHEN you eventually, genuinely adopt more healthy core beliefs, as we discussed earlier, you will NOT retire as a shy little mouse at parties. You will still be the outwardly confident, life of the party Smothy. Maybe more so because you will be inwardly confident as well.

As you have said, aspects which your H blames are also what has got you where you are. You dont want to drown yourself.

My W is telling people our M was toxic. This was something I could't let go of. It was not toxic, it was unhealthy, but not toxic. Why should I care what she believes or what she tells people. It goes back to "Those that matter know, and those that don't know, don't matter". As my IC pointed out, people are not stupid. They saw us in the M, some for all of it, some intimately, and they never saw this toxicity.

Tell your friends. I hope they point out that the specific things that you blame yourself for, didn't force your H to engage in an A. This was his easy out, a better solution to god forbid trying to fix the problem within the M.



Originally Posted By: Smothy

Sorry this sounds like a a poor me, pity party.

On a positive note, went to a Lake today, and spent the day with old and new friends. H only popped into my head a few times and these were fleeting.

I had a conversation with a friend and she said too much damage has been done for us to ever R. How will I ever forget the hurt and pain he put me through. A good question?


What? Where is that line? I dont think it is ever too late to R, but I dont think we are talking about R in the same way. We can't R to recapture the old M, so I think R means engaging in a new romantic relationship with H down the track The R part would be the simple fact that you have to address that which has happened now. You can't realistically sweep it under the carpet.

I will post on my thread tomorrow re: letting go etc and my sitch at present. Have to cuddle d4 right now, and sleep.

-Py


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
R has to be for something new, not a rehash of before, otherwise, eventually, the same sh1t will resurface.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Py, my initial reaction is 'I can't live without him' I still love him very much. I was answering to more how I was feeling now with the anticipation of going back to the UK why I can let go and have some hope.

I thought very hard last night about what you have written. I let those words wash over me and had a good cry and released a lot of sadness. I prayed for strength and guidance and this morning I do not feel so helpless. I certainly don't feel hopeless about my future.

My H is telling OW that I have been emotionally abusive. Like you, I think if we worked on our M, there would be a way through. I took the blame for the demise of our M at the beginning. I know that H played his part too. My IC says that H made the choices he did that was not healthy, and I made mine. The difference is I am improving and changing my behaviour in a positive way.

I remember an incident after his initial EA, H said that he was going to start taking in packed lunches. I started making them for him with little notes inside. He told me to stop because I was controlling what he ate. The controlling thing for H was a big thing, I saw what I did as doing things for the family out of love, not control. so H didn't have to. 'If only' are wasted so I will leave it there.

I know my family will blame me, again this I something my IC and I have talked about, changing core and limiting beliefs from my upbringing and childhood. H didn't believe the extent of the abuse I had growing up. He wasn't dismissive of them that did not believe the depth of it.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Originally Posted By: Huddy
R has to be for something new, not a rehash of before, otherwise, eventually, the same sh1t will resurface.


yes, absolutely, I believe it has to a new R. We never dealt with the issues from his EA. I thought we had as I felt we had a good year last year and the turning point was when I slept with OM and he reinstated contact with OW while I was abroad. One of my friends thinks I have been set up and OW was always in the background, I just wasn't aware of it.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Typing these out has made me angry and feeling hateful towards him. I don't know where I am. I go from, I had enough, I can't even be friends with you, I don't want anymore to do with you to maybe we can R, we love each other.

I don't know what my feelings are anymore.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
The OM/OW thing suggests that everything wasn't right. That doesn't mean it can't be put right, but it has to be something totally new.

Your last post goes through us all. Then you give in a little. Keep going, we're with you.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,458
N
NDY Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,458
Quote:

I remember an incident after his initial EA, H said that he was going to start taking in packed lunches. I started making them for him with little notes inside. He told me to stop because I was controlling what he ate. The controlling thing for H was a big thing, I saw what I did as doing things for the family out of love, not control. so H didn't have to. 'If only' are wasted so I will leave it there.



So you do something nice and this is controlling? Mental, truly mental. The mind of a WAS is truly a weird place.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Originally Posted By: ^

My H is telling OW that I have been emotionally abusive. Like you, I think if we worked on our M, there would be a way through. I took the blame for the demise of our M at the beginning. I know that H played his part too. My IC says that H made the choices he did that was not healthy, and I made mine. The difference is I am improving and changing my behaviour in a positive way.


quick note - talk later - on holiday with some great old friends.


and that ^^ is the essence Smothy. Life sux sonetimes, this absolutely sux, but you are heading in the right direction.

the word of the moment here is CRISORTUNITY - a +ve arising from a crisis-opportunity

smile


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Yeah, opportunity is another way of looking at it. Have a good holiday Py!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Yes, I remember someone telling the Chinese word for Crisis and opportunity was the same.

I have been given this opportunity for new work and travel. This would not of happened if not for BD.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Originally Posted By: Smothy
Hello Pyrite, thank you for the above advice. I thought I had let go a little and detached, but I am still placing far too much emphasis on what H is doing and what would happen when we see each other.

I can understand this, and contrary to rehearsing this to get the most out of it, my advice (full disclosure and indemnity to vet DB'ers, coaches etc - comments welcome) , my advice is to go with the flow.

i will post the rest of this on my thread as it is part of my developing sitch.



I thought about why I can't let go specifically and the answer is that I am scared to admit to myself I have failed at my M. I know that when I get back to the UK, I have to start telling my family and friends. I still harbour some hope that if there was a chance we R, I would not have to do this. I feel ashamed that this is the case and that H wants someone else, and I was not enough for him.

I can understand this, despite what I said I do care excruciatingly about what other people will think. I care what my W thinks, and blah, and blah, and everyone really. I care so much that I drive myself crazy with rehearsing conversations with people about my W and my life (BTW I am curious about the linguistic history of this word - Woman for LIFE = WIFE). It gets out of control, scary when I am embroiled in an argument with my W, in my head, whilst I am driving or in a meeting or working on a complex problem. It sneaks in everywhere this diseased worm of grief, this process of grief, and it is NOT just you or me Smothy. It is a human condition, a natural human condition, that our brain, our mind can't avoid. The Dalai Lama may be able to. SO RESPECT THE PROCESS. The process of grief.

You WILL backslide, you WILL go up and down. DON'T view momentary backslides as failure. USE THEM to learn little bits at a time.

(BTW India is a spin out. I lived as close to (possible as a short term visitor can to the street in all the counties i was in) that I travelled, so maybe unless you get dirty in India you don't see it as much - IDK, but the Hinduism is just a spin out. I spent ~7 years with a Jew, 12 years with a Muslim, I am a Buddhist at heart, and I grew up in a Christian/Orthodox family AND Hinduism is a spin out.

Imagine; a billion people where the prominent religion is Hinduism. I've been to several Hindu weddings, and my W's three best girlfriends are Indian/Bangladeshi as well, but 1B people!! It is an amazing contest. Amazing! They have 333,000,000 "Gods". Nobody knows them all, because not all of the positions have been filked yet. Jesus, Mohamad, Budah yeah throw them in too (I could be wrong about some of them). The top 3 are Vishnu, Shiva .....-- Google-- The "BIBLE" stories just kick arse - google it (Shiva, Ganesha etc) )

Anyway I made my point ^^ ----- stop ramble now.





I had a conversation with a friend and she said too much damage has been done for us to ever R. How will I ever forget the hurt and pain he put me through. A good question?



Maybe, maybe not. Your friend doesn't know or understand the extent to which you have grown and forgiven and let go and accepted. Detaching is a mechanism so you can achieve these things. That is where you are aiming, in baby steps. You are already there Smothy. I have said this before to you. You realise where things went wrong, how you failed, how your H failed. Be the person you want to be. It is that simple. 1 minute to learn and a lifetime to master. You know the lessons Smothy. All you have to do is practice. Not achieve. Just practice. And like everything else, everything, everything, you will get there, you will at the very least improve, and I can guarantee you, that if you continue to walk this path that I know you are on, I can see it, the fact that you are here everyday is testimony to that fact, you ARE doing this, don't stop yourself. GO Smothy, GO, Let go.

Remember see my thread because some of it will be for you, and some of it may be good for you. I have to get around to it yet, but hopefully in the next few hours, days, I will have something up at least. (Holiday remember - best thing ever did was accepting this gift ticket up here. "GOD" bless my friends - which ever god you believe in smile )





Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Pyrite, your words brought a smile to my face and a little peace to my heart.

God (s) bless you, enjoy your Gift with friends. I look forward to reading on your thread.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
have a good day Smothy smile. I haven't got around to my thread yet. maybe this afternoon. I have a letter to finish to my W as well.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 290
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 290
Hi Smothy,

Just checking in to see how you are doing, how are you? I deleted him on FB, don't have your control so I thought it was best.

Your move coming up soon?

Thinking of you!
Hugs!


M: 44 H: 43
ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect.
"This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15
Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15
It's over: 9/5
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Did you ever get a chance to actually read DB or DR? A lot of your usage of the DB terms is misused. You've also got quite a bit of mindreading going on as to your H's POV. So I was just wondering.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Originally Posted By: Tulo
Hi Smothy,

Just checking in to see how you are doing, how are you? I deleted him on FB, don't have your control so I thought it was best.

Your move coming up soon?

Thinking of you!
Hugs!


Thank you, Tulo and hugs to you. It's hard not looking. My H has already taken me off FB but it is still easy to look. How are you?

My move back to UK is coming up in about 10 days time.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Did you ever get a chance to actually read DB or DR? A lot of your usage of the DB terms is misused. You've also got quite a bit of mindreading going on as to your H's POV. So I was just wondering.


I have read DR and starting on DB. Thank you for stopping by. I do need to stop mind reading but please correct me on terms.

Can you give me any tips and advice it will be much appreciated.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Originally Posted By: Smothy
[quote=MrBond]
Can you give me any tips and advice it will be much appreciated.


Just stop it. smile

you know there is no point to mind-guessing.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
I agree about the mindreading. It makes no difference to your sitch, but doesn't help you in moving forward if you are constantly wondering what is he up to? What did he mean by that? What might he be thinking? And so on...

I think it takes discipline and perseverance and is part of the journey towards independence from codependence (and I don't mean codependence in a negative way - more that your life is enmeshed with another's if you are M).

Perhaps try for a few days noticing and making the observation. Oh - I just thought that - that's mindreading. Okay, I'll stop thinking about that/him and think about me. Time to call a friend, book onto that class, do some jobs - anything to shift the focus off him and onto you. That's your aim.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
I meant tips and advice to help me move on. How yo live in the same house while DB but divorced. Not in terms of mind reading.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
OMG, you have to stay in the same house, although divorced?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Only for the 7 weeks I am in the Uk. We have not discussed any thing yet in relations to house etc.

For two of those I will be away. STBX will be away for his work for a few days. I have lots of activities planned for when I get back too.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
just checking in. not a lot I see. No news is good news?

-Py


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Hi Py, I haven't written any thing because I am feeling a bit flat. I am cycling in my head a lot of things that has been written in the last few days.

I think I am beginning to let the rope go, though when I read about certain situations my heart still feels 'heavy' from some triggers. However, I am not overwhelmed and using this to help me to let it go.

I wrote about my 'fog' and as Mr Bond pointed out not in the right definition as of DB. For me I do feel something has lifted and made me see more clearly and almost objectively.

Spoke to DS yesterday and STBX and DS will be there to pick me up from the airport. DS does not know anything about the situation.

A dear friend has suggested I make some new friends on a dating site and use this to help me get back on my feet, confidence wise, detach and GAL when I get back to the UK. Is this a good idea? I have been on for 48 hours and asked out for lots of dates. It certainly gives confidence a boost when we know we are wanted elsewhere. I am not looking for a someone new. I am no way near ready for any of that.

My wanting to R with H is still there, but is no longer my overwhelming driving force of how I feel.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
No, dating sites yet. It's far too soon.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Originally Posted By: Smothy
Hi Py, I haven't written any thing because I am feeling a bit flat. I am cycling in my head a lot of things that has been written in the last few days.


Flat can be good. Its better than frantic or depressed. What things are cycling?


I think I am beginning to let the rope go, though when I read about certain situations my heart still feels 'heavy' from some triggers. However, I am not overwhelmed and using this to help me to let it go.

I wrote about my 'fog' and as Mr Bond pointed out not in the right definition as of DB. For me I do feel something has lifted and made me see more clearly and almost objectively.

Spoke to DS yesterday and STBX and DS will be there to pick me up from the airport. DS does not know anything about the situation.

Whoa! This is gonna be hard. I would forget about talking to H. This is gonna be all about son. So what is the plan? You are going to pretend to be a happy family when you get home, drive from the airport, sleep off jet lag? Its your call, my kids are young, and not your son anyway. How will he take being left in the dark, and even arguably misled for months?


A dear friend has suggested I make some new friends on a dating site and use this to help me get back on my feet, confidence wise, detach and GAL when I get back to the UK. Is this a good idea? I have been on for 48 hours and asked out for lots of dates. It certainly gives confidence a boost when we know we are wanted elsewhere. I am not looking for a someone new. I am no way near ready for any of that.

I would be wary of it. But hey, if you can maintain it judiciously as a self-prescribed source of medication then that's a good thing. Going from where you are to "dating" in a few weeks might be a bit extreme. I fully believe in practising as you go, but I know I couldn't handle it in my schedule. I mean the sort of things I want to sort out for myself, introducing anyone else would be a big problem.

My wanting to R with H is still there, but is no longer my overwhelming driving force of how I feel.

Keep it up. It shouldn't be your driving force. Possibly not even any force. This is for you Smothy. When you get over this, and you are the new Smothy, ready for a R, H will still be there, and so will YOUR only option that you have now - that you are open to reconciliation if that is on the cards.



M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Journaling thoughts going round in my head.

In 5 days, I will be leaving to go back to the UK. I have been thinking a lot of how I got to this situation. I think about Zues, card playing analogy a lot. I feel my abusive behaviour was playing all the low cards. The lowest card H played was with his EA.

Py, your posts about what you needed from your W before you could think about completely letting go also resonates. What do I need before I can get there? I think I need to see H first and for him to tell me why? Why was did he file while I was abroad? Why could he not wait? Lots lots more why questions. This is definitely not healthy and not making the detachment easier. Knowing the futility of going down this road still does not stop it.

However, when thinking about these questions, I find myself strangely flat and sad. Sometimes angry. sometimes giving me empowerment to feel that I will be ok. I will make it through. Lots of people telling me that I am attractive, intelligent, worth waiting for, also saddens me as well. Why does my H not see these things? I am no longer filled with anxiety when I think of my M being over.

My return to the UK will test my strength and courage to the fullest. I am scared that the progress I have made, changing my core beliefs, control and recognising my emotions are not true. Have I been kidding myself that the changes are real? Sustainable? Especially when faced with a situation that has moved from ML, I love you (these were H's behaviour the day I left) to here is the Decree Nisi. How am I suppose to act/react when I am in a situation which has gone from one extreme to another?

My heart is heavy when faced with these. I am not thinking of any particular script or situations. I know DB suggests treating H like a friendly neighbour. How do I do this when I no longer know who this person is? Will he be hostile, angry, ignore me? I think I am mostly cycling in my head all of the unknowns I will face when I am back.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Originally Posted By: Smothy
Journaling thoughts going round in my head.

In 5 days, I will be leaving to go back to the UK. I have been thinking a lot of how I got to this situation. I think about Zues, card playing analogy a lot. I feel my abusive behaviour was playing all the low cards. The lowest card H played was with his EA.

Py, your posts about what you needed from your W before you could think about completely letting go also resonates. What do I need before I can get there? I think I need to see H first and for him to tell me why? Why was did he file while I was abroad? Why could he not wait? Lots lots more why questions. This is definitely not healthy and not making the detachment easier. Knowing the futility of going down this road still does not stop it.



It has been a long drawn out game Smothy. Then the cards were reshuffled, things seemed OK, but then H played lowest card again whilst abroad. Hard to come up with anything to support this behaviour. Callous, cowardly, at best NOT honourable.

You know your questions. Answer them. With the best answer and the worst. Consider that you don’t even need to ask tem. i.e. H did wait for you to come home. Filing for D was mutual, or at least as close to as possible.



However, when thinking about these questions, I find myself strangely flat and sad. Sometimes angry. sometimes giving me empowerment to feel that I will be ok. I will make it through. Lots of people telling me that I am attractive, intelligent, worth waiting for, also saddens me as well. Why does my H not see these things? I am no longer filled with anxiety when I think of my M being over.

Chances are your H does see these things Smothy. But they are not a reason to hold off D. He probably also sees these things in OW. It hurts. There is no way around this.


My return to the UK will test my strength and courage to the fullest. I am scared that the progress I have made, changing my core beliefs, control and recognising my emotions are not true. Have I been kidding myself that the changes are real? Sustainable? Especially when faced with a situation that has moved from ML, I love you (these were H's behaviour the day I left) to here is the Decree Nisi. How am I suppose to act/react when I am in a situation which has gone from one extreme to another?

Firstly, stop telling yourself it has gone from 1 extreme to the other. This makes it harder for you. You haven’t gone from the perfect M to D in a matter of months. You may have genuinely thought that last year was your best yet, but it doesn’t seem that your H was feeling the same way.

Backsliding is always a risk. So you may/will slide. Get back up and start again. Or don’t. You can choose that too. So does that answer your question? ☺

The changes are real. How big and complete they are is another story. Are they permanent. I doubt they can be. They can be erased, modified, maintained. Its your choice.

My heart is heavy when faced with these. I am not thinking of any particular script or situations. I know DB suggests treating H like a friendly neighbour. How do I do this when I no longer know who this person is? Will he be hostile, angry, ignore me? I think I am mostly cycling in my head all of the unknowns I will face when I am back.

Nobody knows how he will be. Not even him. Your son will be there, that should be your focus. Presumably you will have time alone at some stage. I think you will probably both go through angry, hostile, sad, teary, even happy maybe. I realize it is impossible but try not to think about it.

I would recommend active listening. That’s all. Don’t have things rehearsed per se. Know what questions you want to ask him, but try not to replay possible conversations in your head for the next 5 days. Only need to tell yourself, now and then, repeatedly. Listen to what he is actually saying. Respond to what he is actually saying. Ask questions about what he has said. Include part of what he said in your response. Not arbitrarily, but genuinely. As in I am responding to what you said about …..

This is the most important time for you to appear as though you are not trying to control anything. The more scripted it is, the more it will show through, and more importantly, you ARE trying to control the outcome if you are practising. Don’t try and change his mind. I suspect this will make things worse. Get your answers, make your position clear, respect his and move on to what you do have and what you can control.

Assuming you want what basically I do, that is M, it is not going to come to you through anything you say in this respect. Anything you say will likely be interpreted as more of the same that makes D necessary. He has to want the M himself.

In making yourself into the best possible you that H will want (maybe!!!), you will go round the merry-go-round again and again. You will want him, then not want him etc. Just as now. In the meantime everything will change, you will change, he will change, OW will change.

This isn’t an evaluation or re-evaluation occasion. Your H most likely does not consider one at all. D is done. He is just being nice picking you up. I suspect it will be very awkward. Then awkward again getting started on talking. Then almost impossible to stop going in circles. Please try and break away from this.



M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Smothy, I can't edtit - where I said tell yourself repeatedly - I mean tell yourself now that is what you are going to do and then while you are talking to him remind yourself to do it. Active listening that is.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Thank you Pyrite,

Accepting my reality of what my life will be like back in the UK has made me anxious today. It is the last week of school, no kids, summer school is over, just 'admin' so have lots of time on my hands to ruminate.

I am looking at some sites on active listening as I know it is one thing with validation that I am poor at. I will keep this at the forefront of my mind when dealing with H.

H has always thought I put my friends first by going out, socialising etc. This was one reason for him taking me off FB as he said he didn't want to see me drunk with other male friends.

A question I have is how do I GAL and 180 on this without just staying at home.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
i have no idea.I don't think you have to do a180 on everything. where do you stop. i gather the line has to be somewhere around the things that make you Smothy. In a healthy way. Did you go out before to get drunk and forget about your life or responsibilities. Did you go out to meet strangers in bars etc? Or was it to socialise with friends?

Maybe I should shave my legs, dress for "success" and call myself Pyrena, now thats a 180 I gotta see smile


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Py

Steady. This is a family forum!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,647
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,647
Hi Smothy! Not sure I've ever posted to your thread. Sometimes it's hard to sync up with you European folks' schedules.

Regarding your question on GAL above, what kinds of things did you do before with your friends? Maybe you can try other activities - instead of a bar, do a book club or painting night or whatever. Maybe try something with fixed end times so aren't out so late and you can know when to be back?


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Hi Matt, Pyrite and Huddy.

I never been to bars to meet strangers etc. always out socialising with friends, dinners, out for a drink, friends house. Getting drunk was part of the socialising, having a fun time not to forget about responsibilities. More to enjoy free time and de stress.

Matt, thank you for advice, I have set up several meet up groups for things I never done before. However, a lot of my time will be reconnecting with friends as before, so will not be a 180.

DS has now I formed me H is not going abroad for work after all.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Smoothy

I don't think anybody can really hold a grudge against people going out and having some fun.......unless you happen to be my W, who is tripping that I am planning a night out soon. I though she didn't want to be with me?

So, if H isn't going away, will he come and meet you at airport?


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Hi Huddy, both DS and H are picking me up at airport.

Had a bit of set back yesterday, a bit of a cry then went and did an hour of exercise.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
I posted this on Py's thread. It's the way I am feeling right now.

I believe my H isn't a bad person. I thinks he hurts tremendously too. H told a mutual friend he needs this D for him. However they ask/ seek to turn their backs on a M hurts.

Reality of a D hurts, they didn't care/ love enough to do this. Though, H did tell me I would, for the second part of my life be better off without him. How does he know, what crystal ball does he have? I hate this. Would be easier for me to move on if he died.

Sorry, Py. I didn't want to sound bitter. These days are getting harder not easier. Can feel the anxiety again, after finding some peace and sleeping for more than 4 hours a night, I now feel the urge to reach out to him before I see him at the airport. We have not spoken since the first week of April. Sleepless nights, again.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
hey Smoth, my W says that as well. I'll b better off..... in some ways I am already, in others I will be, is it for the best? well, maybe it is - even if the only reason is that in 5 years I was M to a woman who didn't want he M 100%.


Don't be sorry. I am sorry for you. Because of your sitch you are being dragged back in to ground zero. Dont be scared. You've seen it all before. Even if you flashback to BD and it starts from the beginning again, it will not be as bad as the first time and it will not last for as long. You will get through this.

I hope it works out for you, and if it doesn't it goes well enough that you are not dragged down. But just know that we are here for you. perhaps little comfort physically, but spiritually we are. there will be another side.

You will be in India in how long? smile


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Originally Posted By: Smothy
Reality of a D hurts, they didn't care/ love enough to do this. Though, H did tell me I would, for the second part of my life be better off without him. How does he know, what crystal ball does he have? I hate this. Would be easier for me to move on if he died.
Hi Smothy,

How are you feeling today? Any better? My W told me the same thing some time ago -- that I'll be better off without her. I also wondered what crystal ball she had.

See, it must be a part of our S justifying their decision so THEY won't have to feel guilty about the choice they made.

Try to keep a PMA. I know, it is not easy. But it will help you thru these rough times.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow?

*Hugs*

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Hey Smothy,

just checkin in. How are you going? Best of luck. Be strong. Get back to us when you have the time.

W dropped the kids off tonight and I get anxious just about that. I can't imagine how this is for you.

(((Thinking of you)))


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Hello Smothy,

I was wondering how your day went? wink

Take care.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Thank you, Bob.

Flying back to the UK tomorrow. Trying not to think about it too much.

I just need to say to myself, PMA PMA PMA and No expectations.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
You're welcome Smothy, and you have the perfect attitude.

I'll dedicate a prayer for you tonight.

Chin up...you can do this.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Good luck on your return.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Thank you all. A little stress to be truthful, had very poor sleep in the last few days.

Texted H to tell him flight details etc. H texted back immediately, saying have a safe journey ending with a smiley face. I just text back thank you.

How a little smiley face can cause so much emotion.

Detach, No expectations.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Detach. No expectations. Stay focused on YOU. Good luck Smothy. smile


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
What ups and downs yesterday. I don't know where I am going now. I feel uncomfortable/ awkward in my own house. Lots of things happened yesterday and finding it difficult to make sense of it all.

Sorry, long post.

Firstly, H texts to say he may not pick me up as he has a bad back but DS will. I say ok and hope it feels better. He then text to tell me he has a hot water bottle on it and will try and come to the airport.

H and DS are are the airport, DS gives me flowers and hugs and kisses me. Awkward brief/ pat hug from H, he turns he face fully away from me. DS tells me the flowers were daddy's idea when we are walking back to the car.

On the way home, focussed on DS lots of chatting about his plans for the summer, kept up the PMA with questions from both DS and H about me, flight etc. Chatty but did not ask any personal questions just a general 'how is your work going?

I am sitting at the back of the car leaning in the middle to see the road, H sitting in the front, grabs my hand and really squeezes it tight and says how good it was to have me home! This lasted for 15 seconds. Continue to chat, asking me things like what did I like to eat etc when I got back, sorry the house is a mess, he couldn't tidy up because of his back. I validated what he said and had a PMA throughout.

H pours me a glass of wine when we get home and proceeds to get dinner. It is clear from his movements he is in a lot of pain. So I ask him if I can do anything, he was saying no it ok but conceded to let me get him a hot water bottle. Calls me, darling several times in our interactions and conversations.This is what he normally calls me. I did not react to it and carried on as normal. Should I say so something?

H wanted to set up my iPad with all the new changes so I give it to him, noticed later messages was open on it? He shows me something on it and without thinking went and sat next to him and was almost snuggling before I remembered and pulled away.

Moved back away and show DS and I, something on his iPad and asks me can I see from the there (the other side of the sofa.) continued together as DS has now gone to his room.

Sat on the lounge and continued to general chit chat (I had friendly neighbour, PMA on my mind the whole time). In the kitchen he gave me a big hug, held me and said how lovely it was to have me at home, we then proceeded to have dinner. Did everything we normally do, even Grace. Chatted and ate dinner as a family, no negatives, laughing, joking, etc. DS leaves the table to play the piano (something I haven't heard him do for a long a time) I had to leave the room was quite choked up.

Cleared table and stacked dishwasher (made no comment) this was one of H big complaint is my control of the way it is stacked, what to put into it. A big 180.

Feeling quite tearful now as we were acting so normal towards each other I went upstairs to have a good cry. Sobbed my heart out, heard H knock at the door but told him I was having a shower. Lost it here, after all my PMA I did not want H to hear this.

Showered came downstairs and H we continued chatting. Talked about DS most of the time. H then told me he heard me crying. He said he understood it was hard for me to do this emotionally and physically. I didn't know what to say. I just said I was feeling very tired. H was laying on the sofa at this point because of his back.

I asked him if I could have a hug and we gave each other a hug and he apologised for not hugging me at the airport properly as he had a bad back and couldn't bend down. We talked about how long I had left before I went to Shanghai, and he told me again how pleased he was I was home. We needed to sort out how to approach this, I agreed here.

Talked a little about what he got up to, he asked about me. Chatted about the challenges of working abroad. Decided to have early night. Carried his iPad and hot water bottle to his room. I have the Master bedroom. Turned to leave and he gave me another hug and held me for a little longer. Said good night, hesitation on both our parts.

After sleeping for a little while, I went downstairs to sort the post (jet lag) also 6 months of letters to sort. H comes down asks me how I am, gets a glass of water and touches me on the arm and walks out. We are both very tactile when it came to our M.

I don't know what to make of this. He was like this prior or dropping the BD on me. Do I continue with this? broach the subject of out relationship?


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Whoa - i think weaned a vet here right now! Calling all vets.

My amateur take is this - I got a lot of this in the 1st three weeks after BD. That is why I thought going home would be like heading back to ground zero and replaying the whole thing.

However, you both have the advantage of time having passed in between. For you I think this means you can play your cards a whole lot better. I honestly dont think anything so far suggests anything different than you already know - D. Step back to make room for him to step forward. Good work with the dishwasher issue. These "little" things will make a difference in showing him that you have changed.

I envy you not having the usual BD scenario of frantic anger, begging etc. But this does seem exactly like post BD interaction, just calmer. Take advantage of that to show him your growth.

I thought the message was going to be a private message for you to read, without your son over-hearing? mustn't have been.

Again. Calling all vets - Sandi, 25, Cadet, MrBond, Wonka et al.

keep calm. relaxed. DB your arse off.

(((Smothy))).

-Py


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Smothy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Thank you, Py. Just posted today's shenanigans on the new thread.

I did all the begging, crying etc over FT. It is hard to have us being so tactile and not have any Expectations. h even stroked my hand today.

I am calling my DB coach tomorrow as I don't know what I am suppose to do to move forward. I do to want to make him stop reaching out for me.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard