Detachment and moving on (Smothy 5)

[Pyrite]

Dear Smothy,

Had a little hope that maybe H will contact. How silly of me. I need to stop loving someone who gave up so,easily on us. Let the rope go

Yes you do need to let go, but dont assume he did so easily. For a few reasonns: 1 - it is not necessarily true anyway. He might have suffered for a long time. Perhaps he experienced the grief you are now over a period of years, whereas you are experiencing a huge hit all at once. 2- dont assume this because it diminishes how important you were to him, and that is just elf defeating negativity.

3- i don't want to diminish the grandeur and divinity of love - it is what makes life worth living, but love is a biochemical, established, familiar neural pathway phenomenon. YOU can control this AND right now there is a good chance that your emotional reaction to "being dumped" are in control of this. LOVE should not come from this. I don't doubt that you loved your husband, I am just pointing out that there is a strong possibility that your feelings of LOVE now, are exaggerated.

For instance, you played with co-worker ON YOUR OWN. BBTW in a previous post to Huddy you mentioned a guy you picked up in a club? Was this the same guy or was there more than one?

4 - Zeus has made some excellent posts recently on feeling compassion for your STBX. I feel this remotely but when I am in contact wither I can't hold on this far. I am struggling to be civil, courteous etc in the face of the cake eating b**ch. However, this compassion grows each time and it warms your heart. AND THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT. Nurture your heart Smothy, feel love. Part of this is not belittling Ss decision or the ease with which they made it.

OK - so deleted anniversary message - WTF?!!!!!? who cares Smothy? The guy has filed for D. Don't let these TINY things get the better of you. You have real reasons to feel like s**t.

I don't want to detract from Huddy's encouragement that "wait till he sees you in the flesh", I am just cautious in this respect. Dont get your hopes up. I dont want to see you heartbroken again.

....back in a minute ....

[Smothy]

Hi Pyrite, I know how difficult it was for H to make the decision to D. I could see and hear how painful it was for him.

When I say give up so 'easily' I mean without any intention to try. Even within a few weeks of saying he wanted a D and whilst I was abroad, he told me 'don't ever think I don't love you'.

In regards, to 'picking up' a guy at a club. I was pursued by others and I was feeling low and thinking of using this as a way to self medicate to get myself out of this funk. It was a moment, but did not act on it.

I was thinking of all the reasons why I would want H and it was simply because I love him. I know he is hurting and has hurt over the years, I am just sorry it has come to this for us now.

I am placing, no expectations, when I get back to the UK as. It will be so easy to be broken again. I don't know how we would interact. The day I left, he was loving caring, and intimate.

[Pyrite]

I hope all the best for you Smothy. ((((xxxx))))

[Smothy]

Thank you, Pyrite. I have valued your support so much. I am not in a place where I can give any good advice to you.

((((xxxx)))) to you too!

[Bob723]

Hello Smothy,

Sorry, I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days. I haven't forgotten about you.

Any GAL activities planned for the weekend?

Please try to do something for yourself that is fun. It will help.

xoxoxo

Bob

[Smothy]

Thanks for checking in, Bob.

Not much planned this weekend, but will start to work on it now :-)

[Bob723]

You're welcome, Smothy. Good for you!

*Hugs*

and

more

*Hugs*

Bob

[Smothy]

I just read this on Pig Pen's thread by Zues, in relation to meeting up with S again

What does done right mean? Really, no expectations. And no pursuit. I would think the correct delivery would be almost like a saying non-verbally "I was wrong in our M, I am sorry for the pain this caused, I know it's too late and we're going different and I'm glad you'll recover, I too will recover and am getting the help I need to be ok, so to someone that once was a big part of my life take care and know the future will be good for both of us".

I need help where I can do this and say this without emotion. Reading this, made me well up. Thank you for showing me where I need to be.

Zues, I am waking up feeling less detached, thinking about my future (new job abroad, meeting new people etc) and am very excited about this. My anxiety rockets when I think of what will happen in a few weeks time when I am back in the UK.

[PigPen]

After Zeus posted that Smothy, I did just that - practiced saying it. I knew I was going to have the same issue, getting emotional with it.

I've said it in the mirror a few times and that was hard too, since that meant it was real and not something that would happen sometime in the future. But I did find just saying the words over and over helped.

After getting home too I realized that I had put a lot of weight on the triggers that would be here. We got married here in my town and of course have memories plastered everywhere. What I didn't factor in was the amount of support, despite the triggers. Nor the effect of the work that I had done on myself.

Please go bravely back to the UK. I'm sure there are a lot of folks that have missed you and will simply love you despite your marital challenge. It's much easier being home than it was anticipating it, kind of like a sporting event or race. When you're in it, you're reacting to it but the build up is hard.

Big hug.

[Smothy]

Thank you, Pig Pen, only a very few close friends know. H and I agreed not to say anything until we spoke to our son face to fact together.

I too will practice saying this in front of the mirror. I have a note on my mirror which says

Accept what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be
Wanting Reality to be different than it is, is HOPELESS.

I read this everyday to give me strength and guidance. God Bless.