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I agree with Cali. In my sitch while I moved out we are selling the house and she is gettin her own place. Maybe that's an option for you too?


M-33
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S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
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First of all, Cadet: I used to use my iphone 6 safari browser. I still do, but the layout changed. It used to be an exact replica of the desktop layout. At some point in the last 2 weeks, the layout is different and all the icons, word spacing, typography, and fonts are messed up. Is there someone you can talk to about making sure it is compatible with iOS.

Thanks, Caliguy for you reply. It is blunt. But this is all anonymous, so I have nothing to hide or hide from except my own psyche.

Quote:
My thread is a very long one ... longer than I ever cared it to be.
Sorry for your sitch. I really do want to read up on it. But first I want to reply to you.

Quote:
...sometimes different eyes will expose things in a light that may be of use to you.
always appreciated. What I'm doing is clearly not working. So I obviously have to change it up... or redefine my objectives. I am trying to process everything you are saying.

Quote:
Appears to me your W definitely 'affair-ed down' and from what I gathered in your posts you somewhat have been a doormat this whole time, not to sound mean or insensitive but its just the vibe I got, took you a bit to boot her from the BR, yet she still continues to enjoy the house, the phone and most of all the A .... Total cake eater and she is getting fat n happy at your expense.
If by "affaired-down", you mean hunkered down into the affair, then you are absolutely correct. I have been a doormat. I simmer by myself and glare at her, hoping she will see it and feel bad. Very pathetic - like a two-year-old - I know. At first, I was wary because I did not want to "rock the boat" in front of the kids. Mozza set me straight (thanks again, Mozza) and made me realize that defending my own honor in front of my kids is important, too, and sets a better example. That prompted booting her out of BR. I have thought about cutting off her phone and credit cards. However, I have been advised by my L to continue to pay for her phone:

"I would continue to pay for her phone at this point."

"Since you are still married, you may be liable for at least one-half of any credit card debt in her name. So, it may be best to continue with business as usual since you can get the statements and can monitor the activity. If she is doing something out of the ordinary with the credit cards, please contact me to discuss further."

I will also add that my sister, whom I trust very much, has given me the exact same advice. I get that my L and my sister are not trying to save my M, thus their advice will run counter to DB. But they are trying to save ME! And as you intimated below, perhaps I am not truly interested in saving my M. I will address that below. You have forced me to revisit my Ls email (quoted above). I just realized that WW has been doing things out of the ordinary with her credit cards: increased spending at Nordstrom's, personal grooming stuff, and she gave the number to my MIL. At first I dismissed it because we were preparing for the Bar-Mitzvah. Cali, you are opening my eyes as I write this. Why do I have to provide her with anything right now? for the bar-mitzvah or otherwise? Also, it is VERY dangerous letting MIL have the card number. OMG! I can feel the 2x4 coming. What an idiot I have been. I just have three more strong reservations.

1) What to do when DB advice runs counter to legal advice?
2) Won't these actions just increase the hostility? as you noted, I am already hostile. Does it not make more sense to just D so I can truly detach?
3) No offense, Cali (or anyone else on this board), but it's sometimes hard to take advice from an anonymous individual who is not truly in my shoes. Although I trust you and your motives completely, you don't stand to suffer my consequences. I know I am free to take or leave your advice, but I know you care, so I am asking you: why should I take your advice?

(It seems like I have discovered a very deep-seated fear of making decisions on my own. I think I am unfairly leaning on you now, so you don't have to answer #3 if you don't want to.)

Quote:
Your GAL's up to this point to me make no effort to even hint at mystery, you are a good dude, work, come home, maybe run ... but you really need to get out of your comfort zone and do something for YOU ... I get the kids/work/house/family ... all that ... but truth is its predictable and more of the same is it not? I have not seen any mention of true GAL's 180's
Running a 1/2 marathon is NOT more of the same, but for the most part you are absolutely right - I am predictable. I have been thinking long and hard about other GAL activities. Something I always wanted to do. Truth is, I am already pretty content going to movies, going out to eat from time-to-time, and socializing with friends. I don't see myself sky diving, or learning an instrument, or joining a book club. Should I do something just to do it? I really want it to be something that I will enjoy and that will be "me". I really already enjoy the things I am doing now (the running, learning). I know it is more of the same, but I can't think of anything. Any suggestions how to tease out something new?

Quote:
even your PMA seems to be ice cold bitterness towards your WW .... do you want to save the M, or are you just going through the motions till the D goes through?
Not sure. I want to move on so I can detach, or detach so I can move on. My whole community is urging me to move on and drop WW like a bad habit. They are actually waiting for me. And I am getting to a point where I don't really need her anymore. I can pay the bills, parent, cook, do my own laundry. What am I trying to save here? Maybe my ego wants her back, so I can "win". Not a very good reason.

Quote:
Just my observations.
No, not just observations. Inherent in your comments is advice. If you give advice, you have an obligation to stand by it. Where are the vets who are going to say: "Cali is right on! You have to start doing things for yourself! Stop leaning on the L and your sister. BE A MAN."? I am scared. I totally admit it. Fear has dominated me for the last 2 years.

Cali, I really appreciated your post. Thanks so much for taking the time. I do hope you will reply.

RAI


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Originally Posted By: RAI
First of all, Cadet: I used to use my iphone 6 safari browser.
I still do, but the layout changed.
It used to be an exact replica of the desktop layout.
At some point in the last 2 weeks, the layout is different and all the icons, word spacing, typography, and fonts are messed up.
Is there someone you can talk to about making sure it is compatible with iOS.

This is the first I am becoming aware of this.
I was looking on the UBB website to see if they had any info.
I will ask Virginia if any changes have been made to new UBB code.
As it appears UBB is going mobile, google has apparently made some changes to those sites that are not classified "mobile" sites.

It is not readily apparent from my cursory look at their website what exactly has happened.

I am assuming that this didnt help?
Originally Posted By: Fogg
Originally Posted By: RAI
P.S. I am having serious compatibility issues with the mobile version of this DB bulletin board. Was there some upgrade? Anyone know how to fix?

RAI


Scroll to the bottom of the page and click "classic"


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for some reason, the site is coming up normal on my phone, now. If it goes haywire again, I will look for the "classic" layout link.

Thanks Cadet and Fogg.

RAI

Last edited by RAI; 05/28/15 07:29 PM.

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I have the same issue on my android phone, the mobile webpage just goes crazy. The icons are spaced out and huge, you cant read anything, etc. I just scroll to the bottom and change to the desktop (classic) view.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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I didn't know there was a mobile version (excuse the hijack!) So can I use the mobile version when surfing using my iphone in the UK?? (of particular interest atm as my ipad is having a meltdown!!)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Its not really a mobile version of the website or app. Most phones browsers(or maybe its the website) reformat the page so it can be viewed easier on a phones smaller screen.

In this case it just doesn't work, but you can still use your phone with the desktop view to check the site. Its just awkward typing out posts.

Last edited by Fogg; 05/28/15 07:44 PM.

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Wow! Rip!

While I was writing my Epic Tome to Caliguy, I did not see that you posted.

Thanks for the reminder to take care of myself. I need it from time to time.

I just re-read parts of my previous thread. Sometimes I think I am crazy because I feel like I keep getting stuck on the same things over and over. It seems like I had the same gripes a month ago. Will I never learn???

As Cali pointed out, there is a ton of cake eating happening. I don't want to move out right now. All the sources I checked, including many on this site, say that it can affect custody decisions. Also, the prevailing sentiment is that WW should move out if she is having the A. Unfortunately, I cannot legally ask her to move out. I am ok staying in the house right now. I think I just have to make a better effort and GAL, PMA. Your point about treating W like a neighbor is well-taken. P.S. I know Sandi says no flowers, but it is not my style to be an ungrateful pr--k. So I bought her some flowers in a vase and presented them to her in front of the kids so they could see a good example of gratitude. If she asks (but she won't), I will tell her that I just wanted to thank her for the cooking and I wanted to set an example for the kids about being grateful. I really would love to ask her when was the last time she thanked me. But to steal a line from Caliguy, I am going to drink that STFU smoothie.

I know your sitch was different because you had the living co-parenting arrangements in place beforehand. I kind of envy you that you are not under the same roof (you need to update your profile). But I think I can do this for a bit longer.

One of the things I learned in re-reading my thread is that the outcome should not affect my actions. It should not matter whether I want to save the M or not. I should DB because I should DB. It is good for me regardless of the outcome. Why can't I get that into my thick skull?

RAI


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Toots,

stop by any time.

RAI


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Originally Posted By: Fogg

This place ripken speaks of is somewhere I've been a long time, and its rough. I've been living with W for 5 months now and its a real struggle knowing she may be out with OM at times. For me there hasn't been much cake eating other than communication where I maintain eye contact, validate and just listen. I'm polite for the most part but I rarely initial conversation with her, I let her initiate it. We split bills and for the most part she doesn't let OM have any contact with children. Shes mostly respectful and polite to me, even offering to do nice things at times.

I understand your situation is more complicated and you might have to enforce boundaries. She will likely spew and make you seem like the bad guy to anyone who will listen. However, you know the difference. Shes the one who has to prove shes doing right, but eventually the truth will come out. If you need to be dark right now for your own sanity and so you don't react negatively, then so be it.

I know you don't want to seem like your OK with whats happening or even support it, and I struggle with that feeling also. Being in the "had an awakening and moving ahead of life with or without her" phase makes me very uncomfortable at times.

Basically, the way I see it now. We get to that point where we let go of them and move forward and "have an awakening". They see us as no longer an obstacle in their path to OM. Make no mistake, they see OM as the only path to being happy.
If we get in that way we are the enemy. We have to remove ourselves as that enemy so things can play out. Because they will play out regardless. At the end when things do play out, and it will fail, our WAS can then see how wrong they were. They were the enemy all along.
If all they can see if us being the enemy then they can never see their role in it.
You have to find a place where you can not show your anger anymore and appear as if your moving forward. One day she will think "hey, why is he so happy, maybe I messed up!!".

DB'ing seems to go against what we feel will work, what we feel has been wrong so far, time for something new. My take on this anyway.
And what an excellent take it is. I really feel like you get it. You totally get it. It seems like you have processed it better and are managing better. I think I will have to think of it the way you do, but also start enforcing some more boundaries. I know boundaries are for my protection, but she will see them as me being the enemy, won't she? How do I set boundaries (take away Daddy's credit card etc...) but simultaneously remove myself as the enemy that you described in your post?

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
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