RAI-- Just re-read your whole sitch. In an ironic way, it's almost funny how much I can sympathize with you. Obviously, we are very different people, but I felt your NMMNG summation was very similar to mine (for the most part). I don't think it's really applicable to me personally. Yes, I'm the least confident I can ever remember right now, but it's getting better.
Mozza's posts were amazing IMHO. (Thank You Mozza). I had never really considered my own narcistic traits. But, that is one more thing I need to work on.
I can tell you've come so far in your journey. I too waffle between wanting to save the M or just get it over with. It's so hard to not be in control of others, for me anyway. As each day passes DBing makes much more sense. Really wish I had recognized the problems in the M prior to BD, and would have mentally prepared myself for the excruciating process.
As a physician, you are always expected to be confident, keep your cool and temper your emotions and rely on your training and wit. Doesn't it seem that is who you really are? It's amazing in this time of crisis we travel so far from who WE are. Everyone on this board refers to the "fog" of the WAW in an A, but I've never really seen the "fog" of the LBS. Maybe that's the whole point of DBing. To get out of your own "fog". Sorry, I have a problem with rambling. Really wish I had your ability to maintain brevity and conciseness with your words. STFUing around the W has been easier lately, though. Doesn't seem like you have that problem.
You seem like such a good guy, despite not really being a "nice guy". I can definitely relate to always thinking of myself as the perfect son. You will get through this mess happier than you've ever been (yeah... it's easy to say, much harder to realize). So many excellent posts in this thread... will re-read.
SD,
thanks for the confidence booster. I agree with you. We are definitely in some sort of fog. I think of it like a purgatory. We are crossing over from the person we used to be to the person we want to be. The person we are today - in the midst of the ordeal - is really not yet the person who will emerge at the other end. It is like a a rebirth. You have to relearn even the simplest things - like an infant or an amputee. Hence the waffling, confusion, and the inability to do even simple things, like being civil. Complicating this is the fact that you cannot really share your ordeal and no one is really overseeing your destiny - like a parent or occupational therapist, if you want to continue the infant/amputee analogy. Actually, I take that back; G-d is still overseeing our destiny. I think I have to have more faith in the process. I have to let go and let G-d.
"Obviously, we are very different people..." I am not so sure we are so different. We are humans. We have flaws. We inadvertently neglected an important relationship in our lives.
"Really wish I had recognized the problems in the M prior to BD". Hmmm...If we had, we would not be here right now. The first challenge is to accept that we are here for a reason. Accepting our new reality is the excruciating part, no?
"Sorry, I have a problem with rambling." Don't apologize for rambling to me. I appreciate a nice thoughtful juicy post. I think that that my brevity with my W is actually pathologic. I know we are taught to go dark. But I hardly speak to my W at all. When I do, I am actually pretty short with her most of the time. I don't think it is helping my sitch. It certainly does not make me very attractive to W. It also may make communication after D very difficult because I think she is beginning to resent me even more. I am having soooo much trouble being civil with her. I have a lot of anger. The brevity should be controlled, not used as a way of alienating WW. I know it, I just haven't been able to reign it in.
Originally Posted By: lost18
haven't been around here in a while, hope you are out having fun and GALing!
losty,
I wish I was. Unfortunately, I have been so busy. I will probably update more in my next thread. How's by you?
RAI
Last edited by RAI; 05/28/1502:27 PM. Reason: added link to previous post
Another addition to the DB songbook. Thanks Mleigh4 for contributing.
"all in you" by Iration - Honest to goodness, this is a reggae version of ericmsant2's post "The star is inside you"! The lyrics to the song can be found in Mleigh4's thread. please visit her thread and express your appreciation.
I am back, but only briefly. If my work is a considered a GAL activity – then I am the *GAL king* . I am so busy. I do not feel that I am doing very well in the GAL category. I am spending more time with the kids. I am still learning with a buddy at 6 AM. However, I went out with friends only twice in the last 2 months. My running has slacked a lot, too and I am still lacking additional GAL activities. I am just so tired when I get home from work. After I put the kids to bed, I just want to cloister myself in my room, listen to some music and sleep – if I don’t have more work to do. I also need to find some time to work on my finances in preparation for D. Also, my mother is ill and will be having major surgery in a few weeks. I will be traveling. I was briefly home with her last week. With all the turmoil in my life, I have not been a great son. Pretty self absorbed. I am pretty exhausted. I am not eating well or sleeping well.
Some other issues I have been struggling with:
I no longer know how to relate to my WW. I have gone very dark. Although we are under the same roof, there is almost zero communication - aside from some incidental child-centered topics. I know I am going dark for myself, and, in that respect, it has helped with detaching; but I am not sure how it will help me or my sitch in the long run. I think it is just causing my wife to resent me more. Here is an example that may illustrate my predicament: My W is still in full swing with the A. Completely disrespectful. I have strong reason to believe that she brings OM to our house. I (or my ego, at least) feel violated and emasculated. In the midst of all this, WW prepared a lot of food for a recent holiday and exerted a lot of effort. She spent a lot of time cooking and the food was delicious. In the past I would have thanked her profusely and made sure the kids thanked her. Now that she is actively engaged in an A, I don’t feel particularly grateful for anything she does. Should I thank her? I, like Old Dog, have a lot of anger. I think I am wielding the silence like a sword against her. I know I am alienating her. I just can't stop perseverating over the "I betrayed you, I am disrespecting you, I am leaving you, but why can't we all just get along?" trope. **Mind-reading alert** "We're getting divorced. Put you ego aside and start to get along with me." I just can't seem to do this. I know it is my ego preventing me. I know I should rise above it. I just can't seem to make that leap. I just can't seem to let it go. So much anger. I don't know how to be civil without feeling like I am condoning what she is doing. I don't know how to walk the line between making her start to do some heavy lifting and alienating her.
Worse, although I am superdad, working like a mother----er, and coming home earlier, she still focuses on the negative things I have done and maligns me anyway. I overheard her complaining to her enabler-in-chief, my step-MIL, that I kicked her out of the BR. She complained that I did not thank her once for all her effort, that I am setting a bad example for the kids by being ungrateful. She constructs the narrative to justify her actions. I get that. I know I should not care what she or MIL think about me. But her attitude towards me can potentially dictate the outcome of custody. Can't it?
Seems like Caliguy and I are of the same mind. It is about control. Nothing else.
RAI
P.S. Caliguy, our sitches are very similar. Right down to the BD timing. I have been meaning to check out your thread in more detail. Just haven't had time.
My thread is a very long one ... longer than I ever cared it to be.
Reading yours I came away with a few things, sometimes different eyes will expose things in a light that may be of use to you.
Appears to me your W definitely 'affair-ed down' and from what I gathered in your posts you somewhat have been a doormat this whole time, not to sound mean or insensitive but its just the vibe I got, took you a bit to boot her from the BR, yet she still continues to enjoy the house, the phone and most of all the A .... Total cake eater and she is getting fat n happy at your expense.
Your GAL's up to this point to me make no effort to even hint at mystery, you are a good dude, work, come home, maybe run ... but you really need to get out of your comfort zone and do something for YOU ... I get the kids/work/house/family ... all that ... but truth is its predictable and more of the same is it not? I have not seen any mention of true GAL's 180's even your PMA seems to be ice cold bitterness towards your WW .... do you want to save the M, or are you just going through the motions till the D goes through?
I think its time to stand up for yourself, you seriously need some boundaries here, cut off the funds, stop financing your W's A, cut the phone .. you have the records already .. all the proof you need ... time to make her realize there are consequences for her actions because from what I read over the past couple months the only thing she has had to change is sleeping in a bed away from you where she can TM OM even more.
"With all the turmoil in my life, I have not been a great son. Pretty self absorbed. I am pretty exhausted. I am not eating well or sleeping well." Don't stress about this. You have to put on YOUR oxygen mask first THEN help others. Take care of you, hence getting a life.
I know you talk about going dark, but in my experience, you can never go truly dark while living in the same home. That's what I struggled with. It helped me to ALLOW myself to be myself and let go of some of the anger that was turning into resentment. I didn't forgive/forget, but I let it go for me. I didn't pursue, ask about her day, but if she asked about me, I'd allow myself to answer, say thank yous, even make a joke once in a while. It was killing me to be cold and angry. Ultimately I had to move out to where NOW I can go dark and control the interactions I have to ensure they are positive - that's key. If you don't or can't have positive interactions with WW, why would she want to come back?
I do understand the hurt, anger and disrespect. While she's having the affair, you aren't her friend, but as the mother of your children, you coparent and treat as a neighbor. Neighbors say thank you for cooking and even listen to stories, but go back to the main focus of their own families quickly.
I'm not telling you you have to move out or even that you should. It was at a point where I needed to for my sanity and to truly go dark. Not sure how anyone does that living together in the middle of the affair. I would assume cake eating runs rampant in those sitches.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
As far as moving out ... I get the self preservation things I do ... but she is the one choosing this .. its the same but a bigger platform as the MBR issue that has been discussed here.
Its YOUR place, she chooses to have the A, disrespect you, the M and the family .. she goes, or you sell the house and you both find your own places (That's what happened in my case, I was just not on the boards here during that time) but by allowing them to keep their footing in your house they are still driving the car, cake eating and not fully experiencing life without you.
I didn't forgive/forget, but I let it go for me. I didn't pursue, ask about her day, but if she asked about me, I'd allow myself to answer, say thank yous, even make a joke once in a while.
I do understand the hurt, anger and disrespect. While she's having the affair, you aren't her friend, but as the mother of your children, you coparent and treat as a neighbor. Neighbors say thank you for cooking and even listen to stories, but go back to the main focus of their own families quickly.
RAI
This place ripken speaks of is somewhere I've been a long time, and its rough. I've been living with W for 5 months now and its a real struggle knowing she may be out with OM at times. For me there hasn't been much cake eating other than communication where I maintain eye contact, validate and just listen. I'm polite for the most part but I rarely initial conversation with her, I let her initiate it. We split bills and for the most part she doesn't let OM have any contact with children. Shes mostly respectful and polite to me, even offering to do nice things at times.
I understand your situation is more complicated and you might have to enforce boundaries. She will likely spew and make you seem like the bad guy to anyone who will listen. However, you know the difference. Shes the one who has to prove shes doing right, but eventually the truth will come out. If you need to be dark right now for your own sanity and so you don't react negatively, then so be it.
I know you don't want to seem like your OK with whats happening or even support it, and I struggle with that feeling also. Being in the "had an awakening and moving ahead of life with or without her" phase makes me very uncomfortable at times.
Basically, the way I see it now. We get to that point where we let go of them and move forward and "have an awakening". They see us as no longer an obstacle in their path to OM. Make no mistake, they see OM as the only path to being happy. If we get in that way we are the enemy. We have to remove ourselves as that enemy so things can play out. Because they will play out regardless. At the end when things do play out, and it will fail, our WAS can then see how wrong they were. They were the enemy all along. If all they can see if us being the enemy then they can never see their role in it. You have to find a place where you can not show your anger anymore and appear as if your moving forward. One day she will think "hey, why is he so happy, maybe I messed up!!".
DB'ing seems to go against what we feel will work, what we feel has been wrong so far, time for something new. My take on this anyway.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
. I am so busy. I do not feel that I am doing very well in the GAL category. I 