Advice Welcome, separating and W moving out soon..

[Zues126]

I'm still following Jedi, just haven't had much to say. It's a surreal week you're going through.

A little distraction as a break is ok, but I'm not sure that's the whole soul of GAL. Otherwise it's just evasion- although again, no harm when in balance.

I wrote a lot about having your needs met in my last thread. My thought on GAL is that it's about finding new ways to meet your needs. So in your M you depended on your WAW to take care of your needs in many ways. So the same way if you become a vegetarian you have to start getting your protein elsewhere, when you are separated you have to get your emotional needs met elsewhere.

When you GAL you open the door to finding alternatives. For example, I am going to church and that is filling a need that reduces my desires in other areas. Or I'm posting on these forums and feeling understood, or like there's a 'witness' to my life. Or I'm doing adventurous things with my kids that make me feel connected with my family. And so on.

Once you have found a way to meet your needs on your own you won't be as desperate for your WAW. You'll still love her. But you won't NEED her.

This scares a lot of people because they think loving is needing. But that's codependency, which many of us are rooted in. The reality is that a M shouldn't hold together because two people need each other. Nor should it be because of love, as emotions come and go. Both people should be able to make their own happiness and meet as many needs of their own as possible as this takes pressure OFF the marriage, then they should CHOOSE to act lovingly whether they feel it or not. This is what I've come to believe anyway after a year of DBing.

[jedi]

Fogg, Z, RG, thanks for checking in. I have been reading almost every post on every active thread over the last few days and trying to continually absorb all of the advice being given out to others, but not posting at all. I don't think I'm ready to weigh in on anyone else's situation yet and for me personally, there's really nothing new to report.

Had a busy, full weekend, and while it was enjoyable, I'm feeling melancholy this evening.

I had my first IC session on Friday. Overall a lot of getting orientated on my situation and feelings, but it was suggested that I start a journal and also a dobson type letter. I plan to start on these this week.

I also need to write out, once and for all, what my short and long term goals are for myself so I can start measuring progress against said goals.

I am in the middle of reading Mindset right now and it's also hitting home with me with regards to my overall view of myself and life. I have a lot of ME work cut out, but in a way it's exciting.

I think the latent items that need swapped between W and I are growing very thin at this point. We have plans this week to meet for dinner and make the swap, and at that point I think materialistically we will be fully split.

Once that has been done I think "dark" may take on an entirely new meaning for me. I looked back through text and emails today and realized the longest period of NC I've had at this point is 3 days. 72 measly hours that felt like eternity. I can only imagine what it's going to be like as that grows into weeks.

See, that above is my fixed, scared mindset talking. I realized this as soon as a typed it, so at least I'm starting to be cognizant of these things. I need to work on changing my mindset / view so that my thoughts are not "how am I going to deal with this?", but "how am I going to work to overcome this?".

[Matt777]

Jedi -
Ive found it extremely therapeutic for me to post as much on other people's threads as I do on my own. There are only so many developments in a LRT relationship, so there's never much to update on me. But to give advice to others helps me re-focus the things I want to do for myself. It also allows me to help and give support to others. We're all in this together! No clue if my advice is ever any good, but I find it's always helpful to know that people are in my corner and HEARING me talk (on my thread). It's also good to get other people's perspective even if I wind up not agreeing with it.

Wishing you the best as you prepare to really go dark.

[Zues126]

Glad you're posting. Keep the updates coming, and try asking some of the questions you're wrestling with. We'd like to root you on, sometimes asking questions tells us where we can help support you, and if gives us some insight on what's most on your mind. Take care.

[jedi]

M7 - I can see where you're coming from and it makes sense to me. I'll try to start posting if for nothing more than mutual support for others here and to keep reminding myself of what I need to focus on.

Z - How about "I'm wrestling with everything?"

In all seriousness, I think I'm starting to detach ok. I'm keeping busy with friends, starting to learn to enjoy events without W by my side, and continue to learn about myself and am working on changing what I've decided are my flaws that helped lead to this situation. As I move forward I see these are all things that cannot be rushed, that only time can help me with. In essence, I'm relearning how to be me without someone else by my side. I think Codependent no more is going to be my next read.

All of that said, my biggest thing right now is how dark I need to be. If I'm understanding reasons correctly, my emotional unavailability and self centered manners were part of what led me here, so continuing to be unavailable and not showing interest in W as a person is NOT a 180 in my case. If the opportunity to be around and fully engage W on this level presents itself at her doing, well then I think denying this interaction just cause DB says so is the opposite of what I should be doing.

I do however agree that the key, at some point, is for WAS to feel the loss of us. However, if W has decided I'm always going to be selfish and unavailable, then feeling the loss of that version of me doesn't seem like it will resonate right now.

Would it not be better to keep some level of friendship in place for the time being, giving some time for my changes to be noticed, so long as it's not keeping me from moving forward with detachment?

[Matt777]

Jedi -

If you asked, I'm pretty sure every single person here's spouse would say that the LBS was "emotionally unavailable".

There are ways to show you are emotionally available without being her friend. Do you have mutual friends? Engagements with her family?

You don't necessarily want to develop a "friend" relationship. There is a way to not be "selfish and unavailable" while not being friends.

You also don't need your changes to be noticed while you're changing. I said in another thread that if you watch grass grow, you won't notice it....but what if you're gone for a month and come back?

[Zues126]

Right now you need to keep a distance.

Matt hit it on the head. You haven't changed. You have simply decided that you want to. So there's nothing to show. I'm approaching 1 year into my sitch, and am still realizing how many things I still do from my M. You can't just make a diagnosis, come to a logical conclusion, and then decide that's who you are now. That's not how change works. I'm proud of you for WANTING to change...but don't confuse willingness with achievement.

Another reason to stay dim is because it will really mess up your detachment. Trust me, it's TOO easy to start playing a game of trying to get her to see a 'new you' which doesn't exist yet. Plus, it can come across that everything you're doing is an act, which is exactly what she's expecting anyway.

Really let her go and work on yourself for a while. She may get curious someday. She may not. But worry more about the changing part than the showing her part.

[Zues126]

Pay close track of how much you focus on her, and how much you focus on you. It should be mostly you right now.

You mentioned writing out some goals, but I haven't seen them. Your last post you say your biggest thing is how dark to become.

Look- if I told you nothing you did or said would ever change your W, your M was DOOMED, and you would never get her back...would 'how dark to be' still be your biggest thing? Or would you be like 'that [censored], looks like my biggest thing is making myself the best person I can be to have the brightest future on my own I can'?

See the difference? Focus on you. For real.

[jedi]

I said in another thread that if you watch grass grow, you won't notice it....but what if you're gone for a month and come back?

Look- if I told you nothing you did or said would ever change your W, your M was DOOMED, and you would never get her back...would 'how dark to be' still be your biggest thing?

Thank you both for keeping with me. Sometimes I hear what is being said, it just doesn’t click. the above clicks for me.

FWIW, I’m think in a different place emotionally now than I was just a few days ago anyway. Had dinner tonight with W and swapped our remaining “stuff”. While it was nice to be near her and the few hours together was enjoyable, I left wishing everything was different and in some ways it was backwards motion for me emotionally. W brought up at one point that she had researched the steps towards D, printed some paperwork, but had not gone any further with actually filing. This was not unexpected, but still hurts to be discussed. I of course was thinking (hoping?) perhaps she was slowing down on that road.

I was stable throughout the evening, but Z you are absolutely right. Trying to be friends / worrying about how dim I need to be is in fact not going to just mess up my detachment, it’s going to derail it. So, maybe tonight was the push I needed, on top of your guys input, to see where worry about that was just silly.

I really do think I'm working on changes for me, although deep down I am still hoping these changes lead us to R at some point. I need to work on this.

[jedi]

To add on the above, I have been saying I'll list goals here and have not done so. This is a good start, but I still want to add to this list. This is a bit winded, but I felt compelled to detail how I've started on some of these already.

Continue to exercise daily
This has just started developing into a daily routine of 3 mile jogging/walking, but has been slowly building for me since January. Being only 2 months into not smoking (an 18 year habit) my lungs can't yet keep up with my brain, but it's getting better. I've lost 20 lbs since my heaviest weight recorded in Feb of this year. To be fair, most of this drop has come in the last 2 months since BD. I'd like to start some weight training, maybe P90X in addition to the aerobics.

Begin Guitar Lessons
I have borrowed a friend's acoustic, and have been doing some basics via YouTube and an app I downloaded, but I need to just sign up for weekly lessons and make this one a priority.

GAL activities ALONE
This will be a big step for me. Even just going to a bar for a few beers, alone, would be way out of character for me. Perhaps traveling to a new city for a weekend, alone. I have some ideas in mind, but this one scares me. For example, W introduced me to Scuba Diving, and while I would love to get away and do some diving, I'm afraid that would be a very emotional one right now. However, it's also a great way to meet some folks with similar interests.

More interaction with distant friends
I have several friends of the kind where we dont talk for months, then get together and all is just like we left it. But I'm starting to wonder, what if I make more effort here? What's already good certainly can get better right? so why not. This also helps me work on not being so selfish, putting effort into others.

Career
I've mentioned EMT here a few times. I am dissatisfied with my career in that it doesn't make me feel as though I'm giving back to humanity. This alone was a big realization for me that occurred in the week immediately after BD, and was the source of what I now see as depression for the better part of 18 months. I am signed up for EMT class, but sadly it doesn't start until August. This one will just have to pause for now. I do however have my course materials and plan to get ahead over the summer.