Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1
T
tt1970 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
T
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1
I've been married for 10 years and have 2 kids 8 and 5. Early on in our marriage, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. Though I love her very much and always tried to show it, this was a real issue for her. A bigger issue than I realized at the time. When she confronted me about it, she'd already discussed it with one of her friends and I felt very ashamed. I didn't really want to talk about it at all. For me, I always had a healthy perspective (not religious) about masturbation and the porn was just a visual 'accelerator'... It was selfish and never a preference to being with my wife.

Long story short, this incident got swept under the rug and she felt like I was never there to care for her hurt and her pain. She is right about that and I really screwed up.
Sometimes she can have a hard time speaking up for herself and this is one of those cases - and it only made it easier for me to sweep it under the rug.

Over the next several years we had 2 kids, and plenty of ups and downs. Looking back, neither of us felt 'cherished' by the other one during that time. She stopped having sex with me after child #2 and I honestly did not realize why. Anger and frustration was building up inside me about the lack of affection... I still found her so attractive but I was so devastated about being rejected sexually over and over, so I stopped initiating. It was a stalemate and we became more like roommates... We still worked hard together on parenting, housework, etc and we were both kind - but there was nothing physical happening and no 'love'.

Then, last summer, I found out that she'd been having a long distance emotional affair with a guy from her hometown. She went back there for a visit on her own (to visit her Mom) just before i realized what was going on.
When I confronted her she just said "our marriage has no intimacy". We then started therapy together and also individually. All the while she struggled to end her affair over the next 3 months.

In couples therapy session #1 she said she didn't love me anymore and had already mourned our marriage. We are now in month 9 of couples therapy and we still have tons of anger with each other. The anger that built up over the past 6-8 years of poker-faced marriage is now coming out and we just feel stuck. I fear that our counselor is about to give up.

I'm still trying to fight for the marriage and wife really is not engaged. She does not feel remorseful about the affair... I'm trying to show her how I've changed and that I want to be much more emotionally present - my individual therapy is actually helping me quite a bit on many levels. I vascillate between pursuing and pushing because I am not sure what to do. I have no strategy really.

Our kids are amazing and they don't sense friction at all - the only time we actually take the gloves off and get mad at each other is in therapy. I'm absolutely convinced that we can get through this, but I cannot seem to get my wife to share that vision with me.

I've read a ton of books and articles including Divorce Remedy but having trouble putting one foot in front of the other confidently in the right direction to make a change.

looking for help from someone who's been in my shoes or helped someone like me.

thank you and glad to have found this resource!
tt1970

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
Hi tt1970,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction.

You mentioned that you are in month 9 of couples therapy, right? Please watch the following video regarding couples therapy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXTMw85jpks&feature=youtu.be

There is much that can be done to get unstuck. From this point forward, everything you say and everything you do needs to be very strategic. Speaking with a Divorce Busting Coach will help you know what to do in order to put one foot in front of the other.

Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
This forum is for the spouse that walked away not the one left behind.

I might suggest posting your story on Newcomers.z
I will try to get it moderated quickly.

Glad you are joining us but I am sorry you have to.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 230
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 230
I didn't see your post moved yet & wanted to comment before I forget. If you have been in counseling for 9 months w/o much success I would highly suggest finding a new counselor. I would look for one that uses Emotionally Focused Therapy... it is done in 15-20 hours and works very quickly. It has also been studied & shown to be effective long term.

You can also check into a couple books written on this type of therapy- Emotionally Focused Therapy for dummies and Hold Me Tight.

We had a similar situation where my husband had already mourned our relationship & moved on to an affair... this therapy really brought us to a greater understanding of each others motives and the hurt that we each felt and why. It brought us closer. (Unfortunately we had a incident occur after ending therapy that has us currently side-lined but I still think this method is very effective if you have 2 spouses that want to participate.)


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Originally Posted By: Cadet
This forum is for the spouse that walked away not the one left behind.

I might suggest posting your story on Newcomers.z
I will try to get it moderated quickly.

Glad you are joining us but I am sorry you have to.


Cadet can't we make that clear In some way? But if I am left behind I post in newcomers?!

Rename this ' I am walking away, And not left behind?"

In actuality isn't almost every newcomer best in newcomers? No matter their sitch?

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/30/15 12:15 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Originally Posted By: Cadet
This forum is for the spouse that walked away not the one left behind.

I might suggest posting your story on Newcomers.z
I will try to get it moderated quickly.

Glad you are joining us but I am sorry you have to.


Cadet can't we make that clear In some way? But if I am left behind I post in newcomers?!

Rename this ' I am walking away, And not left behind?"

In actuality isn't almost every newcomer best in newcomers? No matter their sitch?

V


SGC's post that is stickied above this one says it.

I don't know how much clearer that could be.

I don't have the power to change the forum name.

Not sure that it is needed.

Thanks for the feedback - V


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
We already have a forum entitled "I'm thinking about leaving".


Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard