Hello: I am new in here. I am in a same sex marriage since Feb-2014 in a relationship about 8 yrs now, however past October wife broke off with me over the phone, 4 days b4 my bday and we still live together. We do nothing but fight, and NOW the whole situation is INSANE. She smokes Rx pot, and since she started doing it a year ago, her behavior has gotten volatile, violent, becoming very inpatient, weird. We had other problems but now I am at the end of my rope here...Please help me, I am so distraught I can't even think.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
OMG thank you....I will start step by step. I think my Biggest issue is that I debate between walking away and trying to stick it out. And Half of the time I don't know if she is coming or going with stuff, and the other (rest) of the time I think she is influenced mentally by the pot, since she uses it every day constantly. She is also on Xanax and drinks every night... Anyways I will keep on posting. I thank you for giving me this chance and hopefully I can get back on track and save my relationship which is my ultimate goal.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am sorry that you are here for a real crappy reason, but you will never find a more supportive, kind, and understanding community than DB folks.
I am a gay woman and there are a few gay women here. There are two here in Newcomer's by the names of HeavyD and DifRent. The other one is Jer over in the MLC forum.
Can you please give out some more details about your sitch so we can offer you guidance, tips, information, and insights?
-How old are you and W? -How did you guys meet? -How long have you two been together? -Any kids? -Own house together? -Is there a OW? -What were some of W's main complaints about you and the M?
Keep coming back here and you would want to post in other threads that resonates with you in order to drive traffic back to your own thread.
Hello There my new friend: I am so very looking forward to some guidance here. !!! thank you in advance. I am 47 and my W is 46 were are about a year and a half apart in age. We met thru myspace b4 all this FB franzy started in 2007. I had moved to Mx and had ran out there to hide from a very crazy break up and my very crazy ex. so the W and I connected thru there, in Feb 2007 and she came out to a meeting visit in June of the same year. We hit it off quickly, she supposed to have spend only 5 days in Puerto Vallarta where I lived then and ended up staying for about 12 days. We made plans to start a business there (a bar) with a niece of mine that later we did and failed miserably at it. She then returned to California we were already an "item" in a LDR while she was here in Cali I had an affair with a woman who I hired to help me with the bar, and my gf found out, and broke things off in around October 2007, then I convinced her to see me one more time and forgive me for the affair - we resumed however all thru out the relationship she has been very jealous of that affair and other women I was with even b4 her. Meanly she says she never "got over" my cheating, I have always sensed alot of insecurity from her part, she has a long story of abandonment from her mother and never had know who her biological father was...however I totally promised when we spoke and made up that I will never ever cheat or deceive her, and I have beyond proven this to her for all these years. I fell in love and hard for her and I thought she had fallen for me. We had a unique connection and everything was awesome. I had NO EYES or thoughts for ANYONE and always made sure she was my priority. So we have been together since June of 2007, I moved in from Mx and in with her in Oct-2008 and even tho we had some few problems not relating to another people or women we married in Feb-2014 to help me w/my immigration status. B4 that we had tried couples therapy in which se disclosed her issues with my affair and how she had not been able to put it pass us. She was married for 12 years to a man, they had 3 kids all adults now, 21,22,26 the youngest lived with us from 2009 about to about June of 2013. that was a challenge too I can get into it later. When I met her she had really bad credit issues, and I got together with a really good friend of mine and together we position her to be able to buy a house, which she did in Nov-2012. I am NOT on the property note, as she has never been able to fully trust me with things like that....that's another issue, but I think it has to do with "trust" more than anything else...I don't know. There is NO OW in the pic whatsoever, at the slightest sign I am speaking to someone from my past or connect with them she gets all manic and then all goes to the drain again. Her main complaints were that I had been ALWAYS too "clingy" that if I didn't get my way on anything I would throw a temper tantrum and that she would have to comply to keep me "happy", for a long time I have been struggling with work, I was making really good money as a professional housekeeper for many many years however in Dec-2013 I lost a really good client and ever since I have been struggling financially, last year in March I involuntarily stopped being able to contribute to the household 100% just because I was only making enough to get by on my own, in June we invested 9000 out of her retirement plan to start a real estate business and few weeks later she bailed out and starting being upset about the money and how she HAD to give it to me and here we are again failing at everything. Then she started to smoke pot last year and she just told me a few days ago that she does it to cope with the grief that I have caused her, making our living situation "hell", and also we got into a huge arguments in April and ended up screaming in front of her oldest (duaghter) and I let out that we are married, something that my W did not even wanted to disclose to her family. HELP......
Hello Cadet It would be hard for me to pin point the sector or sectors I feel I need to work on I can only try forgive me if I seem to go over things n repeating myself See. I thought we were fine for all the way from 2008 until around 2011 when I made the big mistake of suggesting phsychotherapy. I did originally wanted to go because we began to have real issues communicating with each other. And it was very if not impossible to communicate just with regular life issues . So we went, it was almost like pulling teeth with her from the beginning because she did not want to go and I appreciated she went and made an effort.
We had a super Mellow woman as the therapist than later we switched to another more interactive one.
Neither of them helped much and out fight become worse and worse and worse each day. It was terrible because we really did not speak the same language argued about the color of water if we could.
I did not think this would break us and I thought if we just keep on trying I kept on being there for her financially and physically because I love her so much that we would stick it out.
She started telling me that if we fight and argue at some point she was gonna be absolutely tired of it and break up she warned me many times but then Again we would about anything under the sun....we argued about the time she told the 2nd therapist that she really had not been able to forget when I cheated on Mexico and even tho I never have cheated and have been 100% faithful that she could not trust me with anything.
I tried I tried to have bank accounts together tried to have our finances together share responsibilities as couples do but she always deterred me from accessing her bank accounts her phone bills etc.
I on the other hand was completely open to her and never had held any secrets. I feel like I was building out home and life together alone because the whole time she was just waiting for me to fail so she can have a reason to break it off. So now that we have argued and fought and pushed and shoved each other out of our minds she tells me there is NO was back for her and that she realized I wanted to manipulate the relationship n once I couldn't that's when I started to "act up" and to argue with her and she got tired of it.
What do I feel I need to work on? Well, if anything I need to work on taking better care of me first and then so I can offer a better me to someone else? I have my issues as well, unfinished things w mom the normal and also issues of abandonment from all my siblings so I get it.
I may not be the most fun person to live with but I am working on these things constantly every day every minute I am doing to better myself. She definitely does not want to argue and I walk on egg shells here in our house. I try to do nice things for both of us clean or cook or get take out she does not seem present.
She does not do anything out of her room work come home smoke pot drinks takes Xanax and antidepressants I do take my one meds for depression to help me in the each day by day routine and started to do so a year n a half ago....so right now I need to work on maybe be better at detaching if there is more I can do I don't know because we do not communicate or talk to each other n if we do we text n we argue like [censored] maniacs. (Forgive my French) I work all the time come home eat something n sleep.
I have always been romantic and silly I like the roses at work and the little notes and the gifts unexpected but now when I do things like that she does not say a word. We do not do anything together . And this time I am taking it to look within me and see how I can be me and so she can find her way back to me.... She told me she "cares" for me but that she does not love me....told me the same things she can't forget my past and that she wants to date .... All this kills me. I hope I answer ur question....
Last edited by Cadet; 05/27/1509:34 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for read a ability
What do I feel I need to work on? Well, if anything I need to work on taking better care of me first and then so I can offer a better me to someone else?
OK that is a starting point.
Now how do we get there? One small step at a time. That starts your solution oriented plan.
I am wondering if you two get loggerheads arguing for the sake of arguing and trying to show the other that one is "right".
Forget about keeping scorecards. Forget trying to be right or proving a point.
Can you try something different and not argue back at your W?
As for her choice to indulge in drugs, it is important that you don't come across as being judgmental or trying to change W. Instead, you might want to think about approaching her and express your OWN fears about some of her choices. Then leave it alone as W is an adult and will reach out for help when she really wants it.
You can bring the horse to the tank of water, but cannot force the horse to drink out of it.
