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hope567 #2571139 05/24/15 01:58 AM
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I am so very sorry to read about your situation. This is a shocking and tragic development for you and your family. I totally understand what you mean by living in an alternate universe - for me, it felt like my H was possessed by an alien!

The situation with your children and custody sharing and presence of OM is a legal issue. Do you think you had the best attorney possible and that the results were typical for the area you live in? The law and practices are so different from place to place. Only a local, experienced attorney can tell you if there is anything you can do about it, and if OM's behavior pattern (multiple affairs with married women) would be a factor that could keep him away from your children. I also have to wonder how long it will be before he cheats on her...

On FB - if I were in your shoes, I would not approve the FB-request, because it could tempt me to keep checking what H was up to, and that would only cause me pain. We have to try to focus on our lives and try to find pockets of happiness and distraction (I know that can seem difficult at this point).

Are you seeing a counselor for yourself? That can be very helpful. For me, part of the help with counseling is also that I can use that time to focus on the grief and pain and questions I have, so I can function the rest of the week. Journaling helps me sleep at night when my mind is full of confusion and pain - I write it all down so I can put it aside and sleep.

You probably won't believe what I have experienced - that right now, after H's affair, regardless if we make it as a couple or not, I feel like I'm in a better place than I have been for almost a decade. I have been given a chance to develop as a person, look deeply into my relationships, and hopefully improve my marriage and make it better than it ever was. Even if my marriage doesn't survive, I will know so much more about myself and what I need to do in a relationship than I did. Did I think 3 months ago that I might look at H's affair as a blessing in disguise? No way!


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
TenBook #2571225 05/24/15 03:12 PM
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Cadet - please explain what you were thinking by "testing"? Thanks all!


Me44 WAW44
T22 M13
S10 S6
BD Aug 2014
PA Dec 2014;OM is divorcing,one D4, one S due Feb 2015 with Stbx wife
OM moves in with WAW Jan 2015
WAW file divorce Mar 2015
50/50 custody settled July 2015
hope567 #2571275 05/24/15 07:06 PM
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Thank you painter. Re state laws and the OM, I witnessed it first hand the dismissive attitude that courts have shown towards having OM around my kids. It was pretty appalling but also very subjective in many ways depending on staff that is looking at case. Re fb - it is a means of disconnecting so I have to think about if I want that connection at this time.

hope567 #2571279 05/24/15 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted By: hope567
Cadet - please explain what you were thinking by "testing"? Thanks all!

You defreinded her and she is testing you to see if that is a real boundary.

Read up on the boundary thread.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2571832 05/26/15 04:13 PM
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Re journaling, do you seek answers to those questions you are writing down, or is it just satisfying enough to write it down?


Me44 WAW44
T22 M13
S10 S6
BD Aug 2014
PA Dec 2014;OM is divorcing,one D4, one S due Feb 2015 with Stbx wife
OM moves in with WAW Jan 2015
WAW file divorce Mar 2015
50/50 custody settled July 2015
hope567 #2572051 05/26/15 11:58 PM
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If you asked me, I journal for a multitude of reasons.

- to clarify my thoughts - I think and process while writing, like having a discussion with myself
- to purge difficult/obsessive/unresolved issues from my brain for the night or however long it works
- to vent so I can calm down
- to remember what happened (I have poor memory, which gets worse with stress, and I also tend to block out difficult things)
- to remind myself of what my goals are and how I am doing in achieving them

I also print out articles and posts from this site and put them in my journal to add to my writings on an issue I'm working on, like the 180s. It becomes inspirational reading.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Painter #2572334 05/27/15 04:25 PM
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Painter & anyone else, what brought your spouse back to work on marriage & end their affair, if you care to share?

Also, anyone worry about the mental health if their spouse? My W says she us thinking Crystal clear but her actions tell me otherwise.


Me44 WAW44
T22 M13
S10 S6
BD Aug 2014
PA Dec 2014;OM is divorcing,one D4, one S due Feb 2015 with Stbx wife
OM moves in with WAW Jan 2015
WAW file divorce Mar 2015
50/50 custody settled July 2015
hope567 #2572339 05/27/15 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted By: hope567
Also, anyone worry about the mental health if their spouse? My W says she us thinking Crystal clear but her actions tell me otherwise.

Believe Actions not Words.

I would think almost everyone that posts here is dealing with someone that has stinkin thinkin, but thats just IMHO.


Me-70, D37,S36
hope567 #2572341 05/27/15 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: hope567

Also, anyone worry about the mental health if their spouse? My W says she us thinking Crystal clear but her actions tell me otherwise.


I think about W's mental health all the time. In my case she is still having major issues from a miscarriage in Dec, so even thought she plays it off like everything is going great for her I know better. She mostly has a good attitude around me until things really get her down and she cant hide it, but I know from intel how much pain shes going through.

They can hide that pain/depression from us just as well as we can from them, sometimes. My W has even told me the decision to D me was the easiest decision shes ever made in her life, but again, I know better.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter much, we cant fix them, they have to fix themselves. As hard as it is we cant really help them right now, other than leading by example and taking care of ourselves.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
hope567 #2572506 05/28/15 12:57 AM
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Originally Posted By: hope567
Painter & anyone else, what brought your spouse back to work on marriage & end their affair, if you care to share?

Also, anyone worry about the mental health if their spouse? My W says she us thinking Crystal clear but her actions tell me otherwise.


Only H can really answer that... but what he told me, is that when it was clear that I was coming back (I went away 5 months for school, and it was during this time he took the EA to a PA and started telling me that he didn't want me to come back), he ended it with OW. She lives several states away, so not a daily presence.

He has also always been very attracted to me physically, so that didn't hurt when he saw me again and I was 10 pounds lighter and had bought new jeans... wink

I also think it was a big reality check for him that I saw an attorney after I found out about PA, and he realized I had many more rights than he believed. It seems he thought I would just... evaporate or something.

I don't know about mental health, but emotionally off his hinges, yes. I have never seen anything like it before, and I'm not sure how it happened. It's extremely powerful, but he is on very uncertain footing without OW. Example: Monday, we went for a ride in the morning, but he was in a very bad mood and it turned into a very negative argument that ended with him talking about splitting and that he's only staying because he can't afford to move out and pay alimony.

However, after I said that I felt we had made quite a bit of progress over the last several weeks and it made me sad that he was so negative over a single setback, he followed me around the house and asked if it was really true that I thought we had made progress, and that he was completely confused and didn't know what to think, then. The next day, he was in a good mood and we had very nice interactions.

I feel sorry for him that he is in such turmoil internally, and I hope the MC can help him find his way. I realize that he has very little self-insight and has been pretending a lot during our relationship. Not because of me, but because that's what he's done all his life.

At this point, I'll be okay either way, and maybe he can sense that. I can see how it could be nice to have a partner who doesn't yell at me and gets angry all the time, and who shares some of my world views and likes the to do the same things. It would be lovely not to walk on eggshells all the time.

But this is my marriage and my home, and I'm trying to take this opportunity to build a new relationship out of the pieces of the old one.

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