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#2572138 05/27/15 03:42 AM
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[b][/b] well it would take forever to tell my whole story so I will type what I can..ok here it goes and I'm glad this is anonymous.
I had a rough time growing up..was overweight,poor,had no friends,was made fun of,even my 2 half sisters and half brother were mean to me
..started doing bad things at 13 to get attention then when i was 14 my parents divorced..in their situation it was good that they divorced but from 14-16 I was good and made great grades-when I turned 16 i got a car and started hanging around with a "bad girl" and i started doing bad things again
..well i ended up having a boyfriend when i was 18 and i had moved into his parents house and we worked together and were trying to save up money to get an apartment..we were supposed to work together one night and something happened to where i had off that night and he ended up getting killed..obviously God had other plans for me but i went through a rough time and started acting out again.

Ended up having to move in with my grandpa after living with some "friends" after i moved out of his parents house. Well after a few months of living with my grandpa i prayed that God would send me somebody that would love me.

I'm sorry my post will be quite long but it's a really long story and I'm trying to make it as short as i can. Well after hanging out with this girl i was partying with she ended up leaving me at her friends house one day and i ended up staying there for a while. Well i got introduced to this guy that i didn't like at first.
Ended up dating him and falling in love.
We agreed on having a baby which i know we were young and rushed into it but everything happens for a reason.

Ended up having to move into his parents house while i was pregnant and they lived hours away from where i grew up and met him. He barely worked and barely made any money for years.

I hardly had anything to eat while i was pregnant. We pretty much lived in the bedroom all the time.his parents talked bad about me. His parents are very religious and believed we should get married.

I asked him if he wanted to marry me and he said "I guess."
So we went to a justice of the peace and got married *his parents bought the wedding bands*. My parents got mad that they weren't invited but I wasn't close to my mom at the time BC of things I had done as a teenager.

When our oldest daughter was about 2 1/2-3 I got pregnant again. I cried BC as much as I love my kids we had no money and I was miserable living at his parents house.

I wasn't ready yet for another but babies really are a miracle. Well about 3 months after I had her *our 2nd daughter* I got a job at a gas station.
I ended up wanting to have an affair with my boss BC for some reason I wasn't happy at all and I was honest with my husband about how I was feeling and we worked through it and I ended up quitting there when he got a good job.

Well when he got this job I was still feeling weird and ended up wanting to have an affair with his friend. We were hanging out with this couple and me and the girl ended up making a deal where she would sleep with my husband and that should make him decide to let me sleep with his friend. I am ashamed of these things now but at the time I wasn't thinking right or religiously.

Well they ended up doing that and he told me I couldn't do that with his friend or he would kill him if he touched me.
During this time I was also getting facial piercings and a tattoo and drinking.
Something wouldn't let me leave it alone and I ended up having a few month on and off affair with that friend of his.
The couple we were friends with ended up living with us for a few months when we got our own rent house.
She helped me commit the affair and I had no idea her and my husband would have done anything at that time.
I was going to divorce my husband buy something happened and I came to my senses and ended the affair.
The couple ended up moving out.

We got another rent house bit I didn't want to come clean to my husband about the affair BC I didn't want him to leave me BC I realized how much I really did love him and wanted our family together.

Ok it's 2011 and he has this other job making decent money for us. I was a stay at home mom.

Well I was living with the guilt and having trouble with neighbors and still holding a grudge against his parents so I was miserable and sleeping all the time and barely cooking,cleaning,paying him attention,etc.

He had a huge porn addiction at this time and started saying he was unhappy but we didn't talk about it much and life went on. It's 2012 and he pulls the unhappy thing again and again life goes on..april 2013 he says he's unhappy and doesn't want to be with me anymore so I say ok wait until our youngest daughter goes to kindergarten in August then I will get a job and an apartment..he ends up getting me pregnant on purpose and he said BC I had pissed him off..ok since he did that I'm thinking he wants to stay together at least for a few more years..his parents end up buying us a trail or in August 2013.had our youngest *3rd daughter* in december. He acted different my whole pregnancy but I let it slide..before she was 2 months old he came home and said he was unhappy and wanted a divorce..i pretty much had to beg for him to stay and for us to give it a try but neither if us did much to try..here comes July 2014 and he's acting weird again..hiding outside at night which was unusual for him so I had a weird feeling and looked on his phone and saw he had been texting somebody. Hr pulled the unhappy speech again and when I called that number it was a woman. He swore she was a gay waitress trying to help him out with his marriage. I believed him. Argued on and off fir months about the divorce and I had nightmares and cried a lot BC of her BC I didn't understand why he would go outside and text and call her where I could see but not hear. Anyway I started talking to his mom about our problems BC I didn't know what to do and didn't want anybody else to know yet.
I had written him a letter saying I wad sorry about the affair and other things but before he read the letter he made me tell him out loud BC I said I want to tell you why I have been this way for the past few years. Well he came clean also and admitted to sleeping with that girl/woman while she lived with us.

He even got graphic with it and told me it happened about 3-4 times and I just have known about it..i swear I didn't know I only knew about the one time. He told me he slept with her BC he knew I wad cheating on him and he thought it would make him feel better and he said I've known all this time you cheated in me I just had the wrong person in mind. The guy he thought it was wasn't anywhere around us at that time so he confused me with that.

Anyway he told me he quit talking to the waitress BC I asked him to and BC it hurt me.

I was still trying to talk him into saving the marriage but he said it's too late he can't do it anymore. Ok February of this year I had to beg for roses fir Valentine's day BC I knew he would be moving out around June and figured it would be the last thing I ever got from him. He starts acting very weird and starts saying he's going to a guy friends house after work and drinking there. He pulled the same crap when he was talking to "the waitress" last year.

I said you're not starting that crap again are you?! He said no. Ok I believe that's where he's at..he ends up going 5 nights in one week *sorry I'm about to leave a lot out BC it's already too long* he swears there's no other woman and says we're getting a divorce what do you expect..all the signs of him cheating were there I just didn't realize it..anyway he moves out march 16th and says he's living with another guy friend in a certain town.

starts being hateful to me on the phone telling me to leave him alone unless it's about the kids and that we're seperated so he doesn't have to tell me anything..2 weekends after he moved out he came get the girls and long story short I find out hes living with a woman and a man in a different town than he said he was...
since march I have done a lot of investigating and the kids have seen and heard a lot when they're with them..
hr is denying living with her and having a relationship with her but in front of the kids they're all over each other and saying I love you baby and talking about getting their own house and she's hateful to my babies and hitting on him leaving bruises and making the grown man get in the corner for time out in front of the girls and the list goes on and on..she has a bad past of hopping from city to city using men for money
.
doesn't even have custody of her own daughter and her daughters father hates her guts..he doesn't know I can access his pay card online and see every transaction made and deposit and she is blowing every dime of every one of his paychecks and I know as soon as he moved out he gave her control of his pay card..i have tried the begging and all that stuff before I found this site..told him she's using him..

i got threatened twice over her by him..the man they're living with is her ex and she was still living with him when she moved my husband in with them..she's bragging to the neighbors about how he went after her at work and how romantic he was but she's leaving out the part about him being married..telling people that my babies are her future step babies but he hasn't heard her say that..told my oldest daughter "don't worry me and your daddy are about to get our own house and I'll make sure y'all have "a space"..

she has called me a lot of bad names in front of the kids and so has he.last time I tried reconciling was 3 weeks ago and told him I would forgive him for everything that has happened up until that exact moment and that we could start over fresh and there's people who could help us..
he said nothing I could do would make him want to come back at this point and that he is done forever and I asked him if they broke up if he would consider coming back and he laughed and said she didn't break us up so why would you ask that..i said if y'all break up will you consider coming back he said well that's a different story I would think about it then..
needless to say I have gone to a lawyer since and he has been served and he told the girls he wouldn't get them this past weekend BC he had to cut grass and BC their mama is pissing him off...
ok the man can call me lazy and everything but he didn't do crap around here and he left me a little money and that's it and wonders why everybody is mad BC he "left me some money" it got really ugly and may still get uglier. Wish I could say everything that has happened lately..even hired a private investigator and luckily got video and pictures of them coming out of the house in the morning and kissing..he's even denying everything to his parents..
he's mad BC me and his parents are together a lot now and they're helping me..really long story but I don't think we have any chance of getting back together..he even pulled the I love you but not like that..you brought this on yourself..you should have thought of things sooner..etc.

Now that I don't have him putting me down all the time anymore and being mean I can figure out I think I had postpartum and regular depression all these years plus the guilt plus everything else..

No wonder I wasn't a perfect wife..but he's been a pretty bad husband too even the kids said he's been mean to me for years..always picking on my weight too after I've given him 3 beautiful children..i know if we got help and things changed we could have a great marriage but he's admitted he's not willing to change anything and he's pretty much choosing her over anybody else and they've only been seeing each other since late Feb or early march..i give up..court date is July 7th and he's not giving me any more money until he is ordered to..my parents and his are paying bills and fixing things up around here..he thinks BC I didn't work he shouldn't have to pay spousal support but his thinking is weird right now and he left me with a breaking down vehicle but he's been buying parts for her car and working on it..

more I want to say but can't right now..sad situation..and makes me sick..even kids dont want to be around them right now.oh and he swears it's not adultery bc "we're separated"...yikes..and the "gay waitress" and I are friends now and um..she's straight and worked with him..

she didn't want him like that and she quit talking to him..he got the wrong idea about them..he was prepared to leave us last year for her if she would have taken him..mr. "I hate cheating" this isn't even all of it but enough for now..and he got served last Tuesday and she is still blowing his money..got her nails done yesterday and they ate at red lobster..you would think since they are trying to get their own house they would be saving money but nope..

while me and the kids need all kinds of things she is getting all of his money...that is why I give up and am so mad..everybody but me thinks they will break up once she can't blow all of his checks any more but that wouldn't be until at least July so we will have to see..doubt me and him get back together but nobody wants that person to be the girls step mama not even them..
oh and everything he never did for me he is doing for her..sorry for all the typos i am on my phone and typing fast

Last edited by Cadet; 05/27/15 10:10 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
barbie7 #2572186 05/27/15 10:03 AM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2572197 05/27/15 11:07 AM
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Hello Barbie -

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I don't have much to advise yet, but you have come to the right place. You won't find anywhere more supportive.

One thing j will ask is whether you've seen a lawyer. As far as I understand, he doesn't get to decide how much money to "leave you with." The courts can decide how much you get....initially and every month. Make sure you are doing what you can to protect yourself and your family.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Matt777 #2572250 05/27/15 01:10 PM
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It's so much worse than this.
It has taken me months to tell his mom most of the story. He wanted to cheat on me numerous times during our whole marriage.
He has even til me part of him wanting a divorce may be because he wants to date but then he jumped into the relationship with her and they're already saying I love you to each other. He has been hateful to me since a weeks before he left.
Like more hateful than he has ever been. He wants nothing to do with me and all I have been doing since last year is try to keep my marriage and family together.

This girlfriend of his is not a good person.
And they're still blowing money even to this day.
Like I said he left me some money and i guess he thought it would last forever BC if it wasn't for both of our parents paying my bills that money would have been gone by now.

He even borrowed $160 from me *before I found out about her* and he hasn't given me a dime of it back.
He thinks I should have gotten a job when he left bc he has til me he is not responsible for me,only for his kids. His girlfriend even makes comments to them for me to hear trying to tell me what to do with that money he left me and how to raise my kids when she didn't even raise her own. I'm trying to live right and the are being idiots.

Well my lawyer is going after child & spousal support and custody with him having visitation.that spousal support really ticked him off.
Wait until we he in court and go after final spousal support BC of that proof I have of the adultery.
People that work with them say she gives off bad vibes and he is losing a lot of weight while she is gaining. He even begged her to try on a swimsuit for him and she said no.
It makes me sick.
The problems me and him had were fixable.
After he left by some miracle I got out of my depressed funk.
I'm thinking it may have been gor the best that he left and may have been the wake up call I needed to change things. Just hoping that they D break up once she can't blow all of his checks anymore but I doubt he would come back or that I would want him back with the way he is.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/27/15 01:53 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability

Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2572411 05/27/15 07:17 PM
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Well it's been 3 weeks since he has seen the kids. When he comes get them Saturday I will just smile and not say anything BC I have said everything I could already. I have even told him I think he is having a mid life crisis or depression or possibly side effects from his shoes he gets for his Crohn's disease. He laughed at me. One time he told me it is too late for us and I said how is it too late BC we're not dead yet..he laughed. My plan is to lose weight,keep house and yards clean,spend more time with kids,learn to cook new things,keep going to church,read books when I have a chance,D more things away from the house with the girls,get a makeover pretty much BC I let myself go a long time ago. Whoever God has plans for me to be with he will be sent to me. That's how I see it so everything about my situation is out of my hands except for the legal stuff.


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2572417 05/27/15 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted By: barbie7
When he comes get them Saturday I will just smile and not say anything BC I have said everything I could already.
I have even told him I think he is having a mid life crisis or depression or possibly side effects from his shoes he gets for his Crohn's disease. He laughed at me.
One time he told me it is too late for us and I said how is it too late BC we're not dead yet..he laughed.

He is still in DENIAL and telling him you won the lottery would not change anything.

Best to follow your own advice and say NOTHING!


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2572436 05/27/15 08:33 PM
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Thanks-I'm talked out anyway at this point..it's such a sad situation and honestly everybody is heartbroken and upset over it and everybody is tired of it. Hopefully one day things will change. We are praying that she goes away or they break up and that he straightens up one day but neither one may ever happen.


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2572560 05/28/15 04:54 AM
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Anybody have any advice?

We both did a lot wrong in the marriage but he's only seeing what I did wrong and exaggerating and lieing on some of it and not admitting he has ever said or done anything wrong and what he does admit to him doing wrong he blames it on me somehow.

Between that and everything he has said and done just this last year much less since he has left I think it's best I just let him go and let God handle everything. My parents had to pay for my lawyer also and my mom paid for the private investigator so at this point I pretty much have to follow through with the divorce anyway and nobody wants us to get back together at this point even the kids so I'm pretty much in a hopeless situation.

Any idea what could show him how stupid he is to give up me and having his family together? At least I could do that..i am an attractive woman but need to lose weight. Other than that and cleaning and being happy idk what I could do. He tells me I will never change then says even if I do it's too late. He made a list of 5 things he wanted me to change but then said I needed to change those things for myself and to find another man. That was before his affair began.

The list was 1-quit being lazy 2-keep house clean 3-lose weight 4-dress sexier 5-have supper ready when he got home..i tried having supper ready when he got home and he would say he's trying to lose weight and isn't hungry and would drink beer or complain about what I cooked but now he's living off fast food and restaurants..he insulted everything I said and did anyway frown and now he's saying none of those things matter and he doesn't love or want me anymore


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2572589 05/28/15 08:05 AM
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Take his list and see what you think you should change for YOU.
Normally we say if what they say stings then that is something to change.

There may be some valid things in his list.

Dont tell him you are making these changes - show him with actions.

It is never too late - IMHO


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2572879 05/28/15 10:17 PM
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Journaling- brought youngest daughter to dr. today. One of her legs curves more than the other so we got x-rays taken. Going to dr. tomorrow to look at x-rays and if anything is wrong I will have to take her to the Children's hospital to get it checked out. She could possibly need braces.

It's hitting me hard today and I'm depressed BC we were supposed to raise these babies together and I can't even talk to him anymore even about the kids and it hurts and [censored]. How somebody can leave their beautiful family for that thing he is with i just can't understand. frown guess I have to get used to things being this way BC I don't foresee anything changing soon...haven't seen him in almost a month and I'm nervous about seeing him Friday.

He decided to come get them Friday afternoon which is another problem. Right now he only gets them on the weekend when it's most convenient for him..i offered him every other weekend but he said until we have papers saying when he can get them I can't say anything about when he gets them BC they're his kids too. Little foes he know when we ho to court in July I am going yo try to get it to where the kids can't spend the night at that house and he has to get them certain weekends and pick them up at a certain time and bring them back at a certain time. Well I'm hoping the judge does it that way. I have 6 more weeks to deal with all this crap and hopefully things will go good for me in court. Still depressing though.


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2574370 06/02/15 04:57 AM
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Barbie...keep posting. You have walked a rocky path but there is hope for you, your child, and God willing your marriage.

You become like those you associate with. The people on these forums are some of the best around.

Can you give us an update?


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2577286 06/11/15 01:23 PM
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Ok y'all...this is proof that prayer works..more has happened since my last post but a miracle has happened..my husband came back to us last Friday and we have talked about everything and agreed to leave the past behind us and to start fresh..he has moved back in and ended things with that "woman"..we have put our wedding rings back on and he wants to renew our vows when we can..we still need counseling I think but everything is wonderful so far! I told him I almost gave up but something wouldn't let me and he said he will always remember I never gave up on him even when he gave up..he said I'm more loyal than a horse lol but this happened so fast..i told him I read on here it usually takes at least 6-8 months or more and some people have been waiting almost 2 years for their husband or wife to come back..we're all still a little in shock it happened so fast but yay!


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2577290 06/11/15 01:35 PM
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Barbie -

First, I'm very happy for you.

But. Be CAREFUL. I think the reason a lot of this takes so long is because change doesn't happen overnight. I'm certainly happy your H is interested in R....but what is going to be DIFFERENT this time? How will you make sure that in 6 months or a year, you aren't back here with the same sad tale?

My advice is to not stop with the DB lessons. Keep growing. Keep your focus on you.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Matt777 #2577298 06/11/15 01:44 PM
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You're right-we have talked about what we expect from each other this time and what needs to change..there is still a lot to be discussed but he said he is in it for the long run and he isn't going anywhere again-we will get counseling probably from the same preacher I talked to as soon as we can and I told him if anything like this ever happens again I'm done for good but there are still so many things I want yo work on for myself-he told me all the changes he noticed in me but I am in no way done and I told him before I tell the lawyer we reconciled make sure this is what he wants and he said he wouldn't be here if he didn't want this and he never wants to lose me again but I will be scared and cautious for a while-I will do the best I can though to make it work


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2577306 06/11/15 02:10 PM
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I'm not saying this is a bad idea. I'm just warning to be careful.

Trust ACTIONS. Not words.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Matt777 #2581934 06/25/15 04:45 PM
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Update-it's been about 3 weeks since he has been back-I thought things were going ok but he ended up seeing her again and cheating on me a few times-he wanted to leave us again to her the other night *after I already told the lawyer we reconciled and we owe people a lot of money from when he wad gone* I didn't know what to do besides say what I had to say and he missed work yesterday and his parents came talk to him about it-he has decided to stay and work on the marriage and leave her alone but there is no trust at all anymore and I don't see this ending well-some texts were exchanged between me and her on his phone yesterday and she told me he is only here for the kids and I wish I was her BC she can make him happy and I can't and she has his heart and is always on his mind..he told me he is unhappy with me and she makes him happy but he doesn't know why-she isn't what I would pick over my wife but I don't get it..i really don't know how to make him happy especially with her being able to make him happy and he thought he loves her...idk what to do BC with 3 kids and no money and a billion things to worry about I honestly dont know what to do to make him want to stay and be faithful


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2581940 06/25/15 04:53 PM
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Part of me wants to let him just go back to her and part of me wants to do whatever possible to make this work-idk what she does to make him happy but I sure dont know what to do...we've come this far but I don't want a cheating lieing husband who always says he is unhappy either


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2581944 06/25/15 05:03 PM
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I don't have time to write a ton. But I want to get these two things out to you:

1) you can't control him. You can't MAKE him stay. Any energy you spend worrying if trying to do this will just push him away farther.

2) you didn't break him. So you can't fix him. He has to want to do the work himself. The more you push, the harder it will be.

Wishing you strength.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Matt777 #2581966 06/25/15 05:32 PM
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Just talked to him-he said he wants to be here and put in the hard work and he told her at work he wants her to leave him alone so we will see what happens


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2581974 06/25/15 05:39 PM
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barbie7

I haven't read through your entire sitch yet, but I wanted to add that you can't worry about making him happy or if you make him happy. You can only make yourself happy.

I agree agree agree with Matt....look for his actions. My husband just came home after a month. I don't care what he says,I'm on the look out for all those actions that show he cares and wants to be here.


Me44 H47
M22 T28
D23 S17

teach3 #2582088 06/25/15 09:16 PM
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I believe in keeping a marriage and family together but when do you know it's time to wave the white flag and give up? I know if he cheats again I have to be done with him because I can't go through that anymore. I also know if I'm going to be married my husband has to be dependable for me and our children and instead of complaining he's unhappy all the time and cheating I want somebody who actually tries to work on the marriage BC my husband tells me he doesn't know why he is unhappy he just is..that doesn't really help me much..i guess I am saying this is my last shot at this marriage


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2582100 06/25/15 09:39 PM
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I've scanned through your sitch, and you really have gone through a lot that would take a lot of people down.

I know you are trying to save your M, but a couple things jumped out at me. First your H has threatened to kill you if that friend you wanted to sleep with touched you. Second, you said he has also threatened you because of OW. You don't elaborate on what those threats were. At a minimum you should think what requirements/standards you will have for him before you agree to fully return to the marriage.

You have a lot of individual as well as couples issues to work on, and so does he. If it were me, those threats would have me insist that he get some specific counseling on anger and spousal abuse. Even if he says he didn't really mean it, you don't threaten to kill someone you supposedly love. That ain't love. I don't know what your health insurance situation, but some counseling for both of you seems to be in order so that you don't end up right back where you are, just two years from now.

Don't listen to anything the OW tells you about H, as it is worth less than nothing.

Keep focusing on yourself and what you want out of your life, improvements you want to make in your life regardless of what happens to your M. You don't really have any control over your H right now, and getting another focus is critical to both getting through this and increasing your chances that you have the opportunity to decide build a new marriage w/ your H should he prove himself worthy.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2582122 06/25/15 10:12 PM
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Glad you're back, keep posting.

Don't worry about when to waive the flag just yet. Your life has moved really fast, married with kids at a young age, and without much foundation. You'll be ok, but rushing around now would just make it worse. You don't need to make a bunch more rushed life decisions. If you need to sit put for a year, put one foot in front of the other, take care of your kid, pray, and breathe...well, that's a year well spent. The urge to do something and get resolution is your enemy. Just be for a while.

No matter what you'll be ok. It will be hard emotionally, financially, and spiritually. But if you are a spiritual person I'd encourage you to pray every day. Pray for strength, pray for detachment, pray for appreciation for what you have.

True story- today a coworker had a funeral for her 14 month old. No matter how bad things are, be grateful. If you can't find appreciation in your world today, with the miracle of your life, your child, your family, and your gifts...a reconciled M won't change that.

So if you slow down, don't do anything sudden, and focus on detaching, being appreciative, and being the person you want to be (so you can look back and feel proud of how you handled it) you're on the right path. Situations will come up. You'll deal with them. You'll grow. H will do what he does. Things will play out. You'll get through. But it starts with detaching to a point that you can endure that time passing. You can do it B.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2582124 06/25/15 10:17 PM
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To share a little about me...I am 35, will be 36 next month...and I think for the first time I feel like I'm a grown up. When I was in my 20's I was playing grown up. Like a captain of an army troop that had never seen battle. Now I'm dealing with leading my family through serious adversity. I have been humbled, and learned some of the true crosses that most people have to bare. I never knew that so much pain could be endured. But we can do it.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2582569 06/27/15 06:46 AM
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Ok..will have to tell the story later but he just left us again tonight for her..for good this time BC I said I will never take him back again..sad heartbreaking story


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2582571 06/27/15 06:54 AM
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I will not let this break me...i am bound and determined to do the best I possibly can at everything now!


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2582604 06/27/15 01:50 PM
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Man..everybody is telling me they knew this would happen...:(


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2582605 06/27/15 01:58 PM
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Originally Posted By: barbie7
Ok..will have to tell the story later but he just left us again tonight for her..for good this time BC I said I will never take him back again..sad heartbreaking story


Ok. Let's take a step back.

What are you doing for you right now? When you joined a few weeks ago, you had a list of things you were working on. Are those still intact? Or did you stop that as soon as he came back? The only way to change the dynamics of your marriage is to CHANGE. And you know what, you can do that ALL BY YOURSELF. You can't make him be happy with you, but if you identify things that you and he don't like about you and your interactions, changing them can lead to him being happy with you.

Look, you can file for divorce right this second. But that doesn't really change anything. If I waved a wand and said "you're divorced right this second" how does that change your actual interaction and relationship with him?

The only way to change is to do the work and CHANGE. I know you can do it. Your posts show that you're strong enough.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
barbie7 #2582606 06/27/15 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: barbie7
Man..everybody is telling me they knew this would happen...:(


Your friends and family are going to say the things that they think will make you feel better. That's why they are your friends. But they DONT KNOW. Until you actually love this, you just. Don't. Know.

So don't worry about what they say or think.

If you read back, I think we predicted this might happen as well. But not because "that's who he is" or "men are pigs" or whatever. But because there hasn't been enough time for anything to change. If you put the same person in the same situation, why would you expect them to act in a different way?


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Matt777 #2582675 06/27/15 09:48 PM
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I believe this is pure evil...that's all I can say right this moment..i am only human and can't fight this battle..all I can do is pray and do my best for me and my girls and I'm going to the lawyer monday and hopefully this can be fixed somehow..hope its not too late..shouldn't have rushed into any of it especially telling the lawyer we reconciled and signing that paper for the lawyer to file a motion with the court to cancel everything..i had a feeling in my gut that day that I was making a mistake just like I always got feelings when something wasn't right with him or our relationship..i know I still need to type my story out but I only have a minute to type this right now


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2592975 07/30/15 11:46 PM
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Oh I did text him after that..i said "you shouldn't have said that. A lot can change in 6 months *that's how long we have to wait after he is served this time to finish the divorce* but ok..your loss" and I said "funny thing is that I know the odds of you changing your mind are high and I don't think you could make me want you back after this" yeah I probably shouldn't have said that but he has hurt me and our girls ENOUGH and I have had ENOUGH


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2592976 07/30/15 11:48 PM
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Oops..there was supposed to be another post before that one..where did it go? Lol


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2592978 07/30/15 11:52 PM
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Here's the post that was supposed to be before that one...

I'm on my phone and don't have time to add everything I want to but for right now this is how my sitch is-talked to him Tuesday *I know i wasn't supposed to but me and the girls were missing him and I didn't want to wait around for months for him to tell us if he plans on coming back or not* anyway he said to tell our girls he is never coming back and it doesn't matter how I am or what I do I can't make him happy and he will not live unhappy anymore...i told him theres a lot I wanted different from a husband but he just doesn't care..he admitted he shouldn't be with her and he knows its affecting all of us *me,kids,his family,my family* but he just doesn't seem to care..he even said if him and her break up he doesn't want to come back..i just don't understand BC honestly even though I love this man and he is the father of my children he really doesn't have much to offer..everybody else sees she is just using him for money but he thinks they're soul mates and in love..like I said I can't type everything I want to..when he was back with me he had a note from her in his wallet that he lied to me about throwing away..here's exactly what she wrote to him.."you are amazing.you are mine and mine alone.soul mates forever baby.you have me completely.don't let anything change that. I love you.have a wonderful day my love"..she wrote this to MY husband..makes me sick..the whole thong makes me sick..i will let the judge and God take care of them and become the way I want to be and hopefully God will send me a man who I can make happy who also wants to make me happy and treats my kids right


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2592984 07/31/15 12:10 AM
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Barbie...I agree with the fact that you don't need that in your life. Whether things change, who knows, but as is- no thanks.

No need to burn bridges, but time to move forward with your life and let them play in the mud.

One favor- read through 4mykid's threads (the first two). It will take you 30 minutes...but there are some conversations she's had that seem VERY similar to yours, and I think she's on a path you could benefit from. Tell me what you take away from it if you can make time to read them:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2583949#Post2583949

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2589356#Post2589356


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
barbie7 #2592986 07/31/15 12:16 AM
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There's a lot that happened before he came back while he was here and after he left that I didn't put on here but you try to save a marriage,family & a soul and to get told it doesn't matter how I am or what I do I can't make him happy is just sad..they've been together since about the beginning of march excluding the few days he was here and was faithful so maybe the affair hasn't had time to run it's course..everybody thinks after we go to court and the child support and spousal support are taken out of his checks and he can't buy everything for her anymore that they'll start not getting along..we shall see..they work together,live together with her ex bf and are always up each others butts I even know he gets fusses at at his job for being on the phone with her all day..they are already making future plans together and the girls said she bosses him around all the time..oh well I'm nothing like her and don't want to be like her so if that's what makes him happy so be it but I really don't think they will last that long..he was miserable with her after 3 months last time..he said bc she would always hit him and she was already talking marriage..now he says he was never miserable with her..he says things then says he didn't and he acts totally different when he isn't around her..idk anymore all I know is he has said and done things I don't think I could get over..shame on me for having one affair years ago but I am actually remorseful and repentant for my mistake..he has had 3 affairs with 3 different women not counting the ones over the years he wanted to have affairs with and he excuses these past 2 affairs by saying he was unhappy and wanted a divorce anyway and he doesn't feel bad qt all about doing it..nobody knows who this man is anymore..he has signs of being wayward,depressed,MLC and just being plain WEIRD..think its best for me and the girls to just let it go and move on after the D


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2593250 07/31/15 09:28 PM
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Anybody have any advice? Technically I'll be DB'ing in the meantime anyway but my ditch seems hopeless...she's nothing like I want to be..she belches & farts in front of him and bosses him around..she's kinda manly actually and she works with him and talks about man stuff with him..she has green eyes and black hair like he likes..I'm really feminine,kinda old school I rather stay at home with my kids instead of work and do the womanly stuff..she's also aggressive and kinda weird idk how to describe it but she seems to be the type hr wants and I'm opposite but I love the way I am and the way I want to be when I reach my goals..I'm not changing my beliefs and the way I want to be for anyone so I guess he's just not the right man for me? Idk anymore..
All I know is he left us here and barely gibes any money until we go to court and his parents and mine have to take care of his family which he should be doing but no he's off screwing some other woman and happy as a clam about it..makes me sick..part of me thinks things will change in the next few months and the other part of me says good riddance


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2596684 08/11/15 02:26 PM
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He should have been served again within the past few days..oldest girls started school today and I was missing him so I made the mistake and texted him this "I know you won't answer and don't care but I miss you..I'm starting to forget what your voice sounds like..wish I could talk to you but oh well..girls started school today" and his stupid girlfriend texted me this back "he doesn't have the phone right now but I will be sure to tell him that you texted and he thought the girls started school yesterday so I'll tell him they started today. Thanks and have a blessed day" I sure didn't think she would have the phone..seems the more we pray that he gets away from her the closer they get...I guess its just time to give up on him coming back..he's with his "soul mate and love of his life" makes me sick a man could leave his beautify wife and children for a trashy bossy ugly woman who sounds very uneducated and vulgar and aggressive also..I guess there's no hope anymore BC they're already making plans for the future...she even takes pics of my babies with her phone BC that's her "future step babies"..wish I could punch or kick something BC this is so frustrating and mind boggling


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2596692 08/11/15 02:37 PM
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Should I just give up for good? There's no getting him away from her anyway..he's already said he's never coming back and I can't make him happy and that hr will be with her for a long time


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2597408 08/13/15 02:25 PM
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I guess I have to give up on him coming back..he hasn't even been calling the kids at all..me going dark for weeks and then having slip up ups and texting or calling him doesn't help anything..him and her both want me not to call or text..he doesn't want me no matter what I do..he wants her..why I will never know..this crap [censored]..I'm so lonely BC the only people I talk to are my parents and his..it feels like he died..she controls everything he says and does..I have goals and 180's I will work on but as far as GAL my vehicle is breaking down and I barely have any money and don't speak to anyone..most exciting thing I'm doing soon is getting baptized this weekend and maybe me and the kids will be going to Florida with his parents in September..it's like he doesn't care about anyone anymore except for her frown


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2597441 08/13/15 04:44 PM
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Barbie -

Reading your posts, its clear that you have so much hurt and anger and resentment. This is the hardest thing any of us will ever do. Try to keep your head up as much as you can. I would highly recommend watching the TED talk by Shawn Achor on Happiness. Then take the 21 day challenge. Im sure you'll surprise yourself when you see how many good things there are in this world for you.

As for your questions on giving up and hope, thats really up to you. In my opinion, you have to let him go. Let him live his own life. Truly, drop the rope and let him go free. Not just physically, but emotionally. Stop carrying that weight around. Im not saying to move to a new relationship....Im saying to stop caring what he does right now. Stop worrying about how long he may be with OW, stop worrying about the way he treats his kids, stop worrying about the horrible way he has treated you. Thats all on him. He's in the thick o the infatuation stage - none of the other stuff matters to him right now.

Instead of focusing on him, and on OW, focus on YOU. Are there other GAL things you can do - through meetup groups? through the library? through a craft store? etc. Its time to get your mind off of him and on to you.

You can do it, barbie.

Azzork #2597453 08/13/15 05:23 PM
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You're right azzork-I've been reading sitches on this forum since April or may and I know enough to know I shouldn't have texted him and shouldn't be so worried about them but the past few days it's been getting to me bad..I'm missing him like crazy for some reason..i guess the reason I want to give up is BC he told me no matter what I do or how I am he can't be happy with me..that's some pretty harsh words and everyone I've talked to would have never picked her over me and he knows what he's doing is wrong in moral and religious terms and he doesn't care..it [censored] to watch someone you love throw their life and soul away but there's nothing anyone can do..it's time to start working on me..I'll be writing down my goal list in a little while


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2601975 08/27/15 02:05 AM
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Hey barbie, thanks for your post on my thread. I wish you'd post more often. Keep your thread up to date and stay in touch. You've already changed since you first joined, keep going, it has to get easier.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2602307 08/28/15 04:22 AM
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I have decided I do not want to reconcile if he would have a change of heart or an awakening-he has said too many very hateful things to me and laughed to my face and to his parents about cheating on me-I will never forget that and him telling me I can't make him happy no matter how I am or what I do..this man did nothing but work..nothing around the house,barely fooled with the kids,put me down all the time,nothing I did was right,the list goes on..in 11 years I got roses 1 time and begged him to slow dance with me around the house when he played music..he wouldn't do it..but he treats her like a queen and she kicks him,hits him,bosses him around,etc..he wants a woman that works BC he thinks that BC I am a SAHM I used him for money and he thinks BC she works she isn't using him but I know better..he put me down BC my eyes are hazel and he likes green eyes and hers are green..he put me down about my weight for years after I gave him 3 beautiful daughters and she's bigger than I ever was..she's really rough in the bedroom and I'm not..she talks about man stuff and rolls around in the mud and I don't..he made fun of me for being too girly and old fashioned/old school and he bragged that he likes that she farts and belches in front of him and laughs about it..he said I didn't appreciate him working but she doesn't even tell him thank you when he buys her stuff *my daughters witnessed this several times*..he lies..didnt talk to me about problems he had with me but he'd tell another woman the problems and make some up and then have sex with her after he'd make them feel sorry for him..he has no respect for me whatsoever..the list can go on and on and a lot of this was before his latest 2 affairs so it can't all be blamed on this "affair fog"..i have to admit we aren't compatible at all and I think we were only meant to have these kids and then part ways..i know I'm religious now but given the adultery and the Bible says if the nonbeliever in the marriage leaves let them go so I'm going to do just that..i can't take anymore BC that man has put me through hell and back and his parents know everything and are with me that me and the girls deserve a heck of a lot better than what he has and is putting us through..i don't know what God has planned for me but I hope it's better than this-I still pray for the man though and still hope he gets away from her BC that is not who i want to be my babies stepmother but I know I have no control over that outcome..i will list my goals tomorrow..i know if God blesses me with another shot at marriage I will know what I expect and I want that man to get me at my best..i just want a semi handsome sweet respectful romantic old school southern man..is that too much to ask for? smile and I'm 30 and love pink,Barbie and flowers and am very much a girly/feminine woman but I'll go fishing and four wheeler riding also and want a truck so hopefully I will get someone who can deal with all of that..even after divorce *which will prob be in February* I still want and need time to myself BC raising 3 kids takes all my time and energy right now


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2602310 08/28/15 04:35 AM
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I know some of that was repeating what I have previously said but if that's what makes him happy then no thanks..i will not change practically everything about myself for anybody especially someone who has treated me the way he has..time for barbie7 2.0 smile honestly it would take a hell of a lot more than their stupidity to break me..yes I get ticked off and hurt about it sometimes but it sure won't stop me from doing my thing and achieving my goals..or at least trying my darndest to achieve them


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2602341 08/28/15 11:46 AM
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Hello Barbie -

I read your posts and I understand how you are feeling. I totally get the pain that you are going through. With that said, I agree that it is finished between Barbie7 and Barbie7H, but why do you want to close the door for Barbie72.0 and Barbie7H2.0? The way I see it, I have no plans to take my W back as she is right now....but I believe after we work together and grow, that we could build a successful relationship in the future....if I ever get that chance. Yes, there has been a lot of pain and a lot of emotional suffering on probably both of our ends, but I dont think that precludes us from R in the future.

Not saying its the same from you. Im just trying to understand the benefit of slamming that door shut.

Azzork #2602350 08/28/15 12:24 PM
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Well he has admitted he doesn't want to change anything..he blamed me for everything..she didn't help anything by telling him he's perfect like he is..if some miracle happened and he actually felt remorseful about all of this and actually wanted to treat me right then that's another story..I don't want me and my kids to go through this for a third time..he has said he is never coming back anyway..i know don't believe what they say but he has convinced himself that I can't make him happy and he doesn't care if I'm happy apparently so it makes me feel better to shut the door


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2602353 08/28/15 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted By: barbie7
Well he has admitted he doesn't want to change anything..he blamed me for everything..she didn't help anything by telling him he's perfect like he is..if some miracle happened and he actually felt remorseful about all of this and actually wanted to treat me right then that's another story..I don't want me and my kids to go through this for a third time..he has said he is never coming back anyway..i know don't believe what they say but he has convinced himself that I can't make him happy and he doesn't care if I'm happy apparently so it makes me feel better to shut the door


That stuff in blue? Dont worry about that. Of course he will say those things right now. So I wouldnt put any stock in that. And what I bolded....thats not your responsibility.

And lastly, the stuff in red. I understand that. The way I see it, youve been standing at the open door waiting. What if you just walk away from the door instead of slamming it closed? Stop worrying about R for now , and let it happen or not happen at some time in the future?

Azzork #2603550 09/02/15 04:29 AM
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So he called the girls today..asked to speak to me and I got on the phone with an attitude..i honestly didn't want to talk to him..well he tells me he wants to get the girls this weekend *that will make 8 weeks since he has seen them* and asks if I can meet him somewhere to drop the girls off with him..he then tells me he can't drive his truck BC the inspection sticker is expired and something else is wrong with it so he says he wants me to meet him and her after he gets off work..i said no I'm not going anywhere around her..he starts doing his stupid laugh and said why not..she won't say anything..i said I don't care I'm not going around her..i heard her in the background saying "what did she say?" He then tells me fine then we will go to your house to pick them up..i said umm no..he laughs again and says well I'm just letting you know I want the girls this weekend and I can't drive my truck so either you meet us or we're going to your house to pick them up..the night he left I told him she is not allowed on this property..i guess he forgot or doesn't give a crap..and he was talking like he wanted me to feel sorry for him that he can't drive his truck right now..sorry but that's not my problem..i will either tell him he can drive her car here by himself or his parents will bring the kids to meet up with them..they don't want to be around her either but idk why he feels any of us should help him out..honestly I'm starting to hate him and I'm thinking I was/am married to a nutso..seems she wants to pick a fight with me no matter what I say or do and he does his stupid sarcastic laugh at everything I say..ok they want each other and are each others soul mates blah blah well they can have each other but I'm sick of them making fun of me and bullying me and trying to make me look like the bad guy/woman..why me?!?! I'm over here raising 3 kids on my own pretty much and trying to live right and better myself and trying to get over all the hurt and betrayal and everything else he has caused and done and I still have to deal with this bullcrap..i wish she would go away for good..my poor babies having to be around her..maybe I will have to get his parents to tell him she is not allowed on the property for him to take it seriously..they do own it..we go to court Sept. 22nd..i feel like I'm in the twilight zone or something..he left his wife and kids to be with her and he just can't understand why I wouldn't want to be around her..really?!?! I was reading somebody's ditch a while ago and noticed someone mentioned Psalm 37:7 "be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;do not fret when men succeed in their ways,when they carry out their wicked schemes." It seemed to fit my ditch right now..we pray every day and night that he will get away from her and stop being wayward..if God answers that prayer it may be a long time from now..He knows what he's doing and what's going on though so I just have to have faith that things will get better soon..they say God only gives you what you can bear/handle..He must think I can handle A LOT


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2603611 09/02/15 12:09 PM
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Originally Posted By: barbie7
*that will make 8 weeks since he has seen them*


I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. I get that OW isnt someone you care to be friends with or really even meet. But SHE is not the problem. She is a symptom of the problem. If it werent her, it would just be someone else. Worrying about their relationship is only going to bring you down.

What Id be more worried about is him disappearing for months and then expecting you to just let him take his kids for a few days. What kind of schedule is THAT? Why are you just letting him waltz in and dictate when to take your kids this weekend? Id say that you need to agree on a custody schedule before just letting him take them whenever its convenient or fun for him.

Azzork #2603623 09/02/15 12:31 PM
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When he left I told him he can get them every other weekend..he has had excuses his past few weekends not to come get them..20 more days until court and I can't wait until everything is decided by a judge and in writing..i understand what you're saying about him and her but to me that's just cruel to try to make me be around her in person..it's like another big slap in the face..and she really is a violent aggressive person so I'm not taking my chances..at this point if she tried to get in a fight with me I doubt he would stop her..from what I've heard myself and experienced she despises me..idk if she's jealous or what but it's weird..and my lawyer is going to try to get it to where the girls can't spend the night over there until him and her have been together a year or they're married..the fact that there's a 45 year old man there bothers me too BC I don't trust just anybody around my babies..i need a vacation.i really hope we get to go to Florida in a few weeks


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2604065 09/04/15 02:04 AM
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Hey Barbie, glad you're posting.

I agree that a court order will add some clarity to a very confusing and scary process. If you see my last post you'll know I understand what a nightmare this process can be.

I also agree it's a concern to have a man you don't know aroudn your young ones. What has your L said about that? Are there any resources you can get to help lead conversations with your children about ways to keep their eyes open and be close to you? This is a tricky spot and something I am glad I don't have to deal with. WW has had a number of guys, but as destructive as she is she wouldn't let anything happen to the kids. Praying for you.

Keep posting.

PS- You know what's in FL don't you?!?


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2604091 09/04/15 04:21 AM
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Very bad day today..he called the girls and got on the phone with me..here's the conversation the best I can remember it

H-are you going to meet us?

Me-nope..either you take her car here by yourself or if ya'll both come she stays parked on the road and you come to the door and get them..she is not allowed on this property

H-oh you're going to be like that

M-I too you I don't want to be around her..nobody would want to be

H-oh ok you're going to be like that

M-you know damn good and well if I left you and the kids for another man you wouldn't want to be around him

H-if he treated the girls good I'd have to respect him..you're going to have to respect her because she respects you

M-I can't believe I'm having this conversation..its cruel and heartless that you soul want me to be around her

H-it's not about you..i want to get my girls and I can't drive my truck I'm in her car..you need to cooperate BC you're a parent too and you should at least meet us halfway

M-look I will cooperate with you but I don't have to be around her..amd i never said you couldn't get the kids..and I don't have to meet you my van is breaking down and it's your responsibility to come get them and nobody else wants to be around y'all either BC you know how we feel about what you did

H-*screaming* oh nobody else wants to be around us?! I don't care!

M-look call me tomorrow and I'll let you know what I decide..bye

H-bye

That's all I remember..and I talked to the lawyer and we have to be separated for a year before we can get divorced BC we have kids..so until next August BC it's a year from the date he got served..then to top it off I was on the phone with his mom and she thought I hung up but she didn't hang her end up and I heard her and his dad talking bad about me..

the same people who I have been talking to for months about everything and spending the night at their house a lot and thought they were on my side..seems they don't approve of what he's doing but have been talking about me behind my back all this time..

that's good to know BC they own this house and my van and help me all the time and are the only ppl I had out here besides him..my parents live 4 plus hours away and are divorced and I don't like it where they live so I can't exactly move anywhere..and my kids have been acting bad and out of control..I broke down in tears earlier BC this is too much for me to handle..

his mom told me he called them a while after he talked to me and was as nice as can be and he told her he only wants to see his girls and she *OW* is a very nice person..i see what him and her are doing..they want everyone to hate me and like him and her..they're trying to bribe the kids telling them they're going to do all kinds of fun stuff with them and buy them stuff..i just can't take anymore I've already had enough a long time ago..

if things get worse idk what to do..he's a very hateful..cold hearted person now and I don't even have words for her..i don't have any interest in ever reconciling and neither does he..honestly I wish they would divorce us sooner BC I'm ready to not be tied to him anymore and I'm pretty sure him and her are planning on getting married..all I can do is pray but it seems things are getting worse for me


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2604092 09/04/15 04:22 AM
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Oh and zues-what's in FL? I probably won't be going with them if that's how they really feel about me...


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2604095 09/04/15 04:39 AM
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Hey Barbie. Alligators. Alligators are in FL.

Look. You're going to lose a lot. Your WAH. Your in-laws. Your ability to have children full time, and to co-parent with someone that you have a loving relationship with. It's a huge loss, probably more than you can even imagine (although it gets easier to deal with!).

When you lose this much, it's a good idea to gain something from it. Who are you going to be when you get free?

Take a look at your exchange with H. Focus just on what you did and said. Which qualities don't have a place in your life in the future?

One thing I told my team when I was a manager: There's right and wrong, but there's a right way and a wrong way to handle what's right and wrong.

For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic and you shoot them, you're reaction was worse then their behavior.

Clearly your H isn't doing much that's righteous right now...but focusing on your reaction, how do you feel you could've improved your response?

DBing is all about changing dynamics by changing yourself. "It takes ONE to tange". Change yourself and your relationships with other HAVE to change. You can do it.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2604099 09/04/15 04:56 AM
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I could have been nicer but it's either I better do what he says or he gets nasty..they bully me then expect me to do what they want when and how they want it or I'm the bad person..i feel like I shouldn't have to be around her and I sure don't respect either one of them and I'm appalled that he demanded I respect her..i sure hope I never have to go through this again.and I live in a southern state that has alligators and a whole lot of other critters so I'm used to that lol


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2604103 09/04/15 05:17 AM
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Originally Posted By: barbie7
I could have been nicer but it's either I better do what he says or he gets nasty..they bully me then expect me to do what they want when and how they want it or I'm the bad person..i feel like I shouldn't have to be around her and I sure don't respect either one of them and I'm appalled that he demanded I respect her..i sure hope I never have to go through this again.and I live in a southern state that has alligators and a whole lot of other critters so I'm used to that lol


The green was you owning you.
The 'but' was you deflecting from your behavior.
The red was you spewing at WAH.

Does it help to see it when it's in color?

Maybe it would help to look at it as a thought experiment. Suppose this happened to someone else, a friend of yours, who happened to be supremely confident, gracious, cool, calm, and collected. How might she have responded to some of these comments from WAH?

Barbie, I am pushing you on this because WAH isn't your problem. You're right, you won't have to live with him again, he'll be stuck with who he is for the rest of his life. But you'll be stuck with who you are for the rest of your life too, and the consequences it brings. Challenge yourself to some hard work.

The good news is not only will positive change make your life better, it will ease the suffering because you'll have something to show for it, and the loss that occurred will feel more and more like it happened to someone else thanks to growth.

PS- JEALOUS of gators.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2604107 09/04/15 06:16 AM
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What would you have recommended I had said instead? I'm so full of so many emotions towards all of this it's hard not to say these things..my boundary was that he not bring her here or around me and he couldn't even do that :\


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2604108 09/04/15 06:42 AM
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First of all there is a reality that you may not be able to require OW never lays eyes on you, and that starting a losing war about this may not be worth what it does to the kids. But for now let's assume you truly need to.

Quote:
H-are you going to meet us?

Me-nope..either you take her car here by yourself or if ya'll both come she stays parked on the road and you come to the door and get them..she is not allowed on this property


Why not "If you want to swing over you can pick them up. I'd prefer OW wasn't there at handoffs, but if she's coming along I ask that she at least hang in her car until after I say goodbye to the kids. Anyway, glad you're coming over, they're excited to see you, what time will you be here?"


Quote:
H-oh you're going to be like that

M-I too you I don't want to be around her..nobody would want to be


First you shouldn't have been 'like that', but now that we're here, how about "You're right, that didn't come out very sweetly. I'm sorry I'm not conducting myself more gracefully, I am still having a hard time with some of this. That will change, until then I appreciate you accommodating this request, thank you."


Quote:
H-oh ok you're going to be like that

M-you know damn good and well if I left you and the kids for another man you wouldn't want to be around him


See above response.

Quote:
H-if he treated the girls good I'd have to respect him..you're going to have to respect her because she respects you

M-I can't believe I'm having this conversation..its cruel and heartless that you soul want me to be around her


This just isn't going anywhere. He gets to pick who he wants to spend time with. He clearly doesn't care, and yelling at him won't change his feelings. It will just make you look like the crazy one. Instead, if you got here in, what about "You're right, I don't get to control who you want to be with or who you decide to invite into the children's lives, and some of that is difficult to accept." I don't think you're ready to 'truth dart' without going off the handle, but I might add "And while I may not be able to respect a woman that is willing to participate in the destruction of a family, for the love of the children I agree it's not ideal to expose them to animosity."

Quote:
H-it's not about you..i want to get my girls and I can't drive my truck I'm in her car..you need to cooperate BC you're a parent too and you should at least meet us halfway

M-look I will cooperate with you but I don't have to be around her..amd i never said you couldn't get the kids..and I don't have to meet you my van is breaking down and it's your responsibility to come get them and nobody else wants to be around y'all either BC you know how we feel about what you did


All of this judgment is getting nowhere. You are making yourself ugly. Just tell him "I agree we need to work together to make these transitions smooth. I'm unable to meet halfway today because I have some vehicle troubles. Tell you what, if you can pick them up this time, before next visit we can put together an agreeable schedule so you not only know when you'll be with your children, we'll know how the handoffs will go as well. Is that fair?"

Quote:
H-*screaming* oh nobody else wants to be around us?! I don't care!

M-look call me tomorrow and I'll let you know what I decide..bye


Talking in terms of mutual agreements is collaborative. This last sentence is very controlling and unilateral. Worse, it is in the context of controlling the way in which he can see his children, which is dangerously close to using the kids to control or punish him.

All of this is very judgmental, angry, and controlling.

I get it. You're angry. And you're not satisfied with his choices. Being angry at things you can't control is natural, but it won't help you now.

Look, I'm not asking you to change everything overnight. If you take away one thing from this it's that attachment=pain=anger=loss of control=more rejection.

Nip this at the root and learn to let him go a little here, let go of being the righteous suffering martyr, and DON'T vilify him.

Read my last post on BT's thread. She's a great example of someone who's really come a long ways with dealing with her anger. Similar situation, her WAH even brought his affair partner into her bed while she was out- AFTER she asked him point blank to NOT do that!

It's a long journey, I'm not expecting you to get there tonight. But keep posting regularly, and start moving that direction. And don't get eaten by an alligator. Those things don't mess around.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2604140 09/04/15 12:14 PM
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Barbie -

To echo what Zues said, theres a big difference between setting a boundary around yourself and being controlling.

For example, saying something like "I dont want to be around OW" is different from "You cant bring OW here".

See how the first is focused on you and your needs, while the second one is controlling and about what he can and cant do?

The more that you try to control his actions, the more resistant he will be. Focus on you and what you will or will not tolerate, not on what he needs to do to accommodate that.

Azzork #2604937 09/07/15 11:02 PM
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Update-in front of the girls she said I'm stupid for her having to park on the side of the road and he laughed-they got their own rent house that he paid for..he would tell the girls he couldn't get them on his weekends BC his check was low but now he's telling them he couldn't get them BC he had to save up for their house-they're already talking about getting married and already picking out wedding rings-she wants to quit her job and have him pay for everything while she stays home or finds another job..he told the girls when we go to court he's going to tell the judge he wants them every other weekend and all summer long from now on..he probably still thinks me and him only have to be separated 6 months and then we'll be divorced..he doesn't know yet it's a year..I'm sure there's more but that's all I can remember right now


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2605176 09/08/15 09:28 PM
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barbie...I'd encourage you to go back to the beginning of 4mykids's threads and read them through. She's got a long ways to go to change her reality, but she's come a long ways already. With you I get the feeling you're still in 'focus on WAH/react' mode. I know how tough this is, I just want to see it get easier. You have similar sitches, check it out if you can. Hang in and keep posting.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2621695 11/04/15 07:58 PM
Joined: May 2015
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Quick update-haven't had much time to get on here-I'm finally getting the support money coming in after a lot of headache and trouble from them..she is still bringing him here to pick the girls up BC he hasn't fixed his truck yet..me and her got into an argument a few weeks ago..i told her she isn't going to boss me around with my kids and I had the kids with him not her and that I need to speak to him about them not her..she demanded that I respect her and a bunch of other stuff..long story but I'm so sick and tired of her controlling everything and having her nose in everything..she is the one that puts the support money in the account for now until they start taking it out of his check..i do not have his phone number only hers and they want me to communicate to her about the kids BC he's always working..he does have his own phone but she wont allow him to give me the # I guess..every time he calls the girls he has it on speaker so she can hear everything..my middle daughter can't stand her and doesn't even want to go over there anymore but I can't do anything about that 😣 I pray every night that they break up for good and she goes away but they are just getting closer than ever and always talking about their future..i do nor speak to him unless absolutely necessary and when she texts me I try to keep it short but they just don't understand I want nothing to do with her and she wants us to act like bff and for us all to just be a big happy family..I've been doing pretty good though most of the time..keeping up with 3 kids and a house is a big handfull but sometimes I do get sad and lonely and just ask God why him and her seem to be getting away with what they've done to us..who knows what can happen like I said we can't get divorced until next September but I'm really starting to hate him for everything he has said and done..I'm hoping God has another man picked out for me after I'm divorced..the kids have a few things coming up that they want to go to so that will give us something fun to do..let's just say that I'm trying to teach my kids manners,morals,right from wrong,etc. And this woman isn't even taking a bath or brushing her teeth or wearing deodorant when the girls are there..i hope they don't think that's ok for them to do..and even though I'm doing a great job with everything *so I've been told* she is still trying to out mother me..even telling the girls she's sure her house is cleaner than mine and blah blah..she is an idiot..she has no kids full time and barely has anything in her house..oh well looks like even when I ignore them completely they still talk crap about me..she's still asking him if he wants me back and he says no..idk why she thinks I would want him back at this point but whatever floats their boat..I'm just so grateful i have my babies with me even with all the other crap that goes on and I do feel that God has something better in store for us I just don't know when..oh and I've been dressing a lot better lately when I go to places and I've been getting some looks so that makes me feel better..she even told him the other day that I looked really pretty when they picked the girls up..the girls told me she said that after they left..guess she wanted to see if he would say something..idk why she's talking about me looking pretty..that's kind of weird to me but oh well


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2621696 11/04/15 07:58 PM
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Oh and Zeus I was reading her ditch for a while there but haven't caught up on all of it yet


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2622019 11/05/15 11:00 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 51
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And I made the mistake of looking at the fb page he just made recently..i know I shouldn't have..he has a pic of him and her on there and he put that they're in a relationship and he's very happy and he put a pic of him and the girls on there..I didn't want pictures of my babies on the internet but I know there's nothing I can do about it and it [censored] that he's telling ppl that don't know the real story and I can't defend myself..they have no idea what really happened and they're telling him they're glad to see he's doing good and so happy..what about all the pain and suffering we had to go through for him to be so "happy"?!?!


Me-30 H/STBX-32
Daughters-10,7,18 months
M-9 years T-11 years
A few BD's since 2011
H left-March 16,2015
H came back-June 6,2015
Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
barbie7 #2622225 11/06/15 10:05 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Hey Barbie, I'm not posting much these days but wanted you to know I'm still reading your updates.

Not much I can say to this. It's not a fun place to be for sure. And I doubt H is going to come around anytime soon. While most A's don't turn into lasting marriages, that doesn't mean they can't last years and tear apart families.

It sure does seem like OW has her cat's claws in the situation. She's afraid of letting him talk to you. She's terrified of letting him do anything on his own. You and I both know that's not going to build a lasting R, I don't know many men that would live like that for long. But yes, it stinks to have to deal with her and her attitude. Especially if there are undertones that she's "won" your H, when in reality she is selfishly destroying a family and clinging to someone she won't keep in the end.

You're getting out of the danger zone, the first few months after BD that is. It will get easier. I cared at one point what others thought of STBX vs. me. I don't anymore. The sad fact is that many people in this world are accustomed to this type of thing and think that leaving a M should be applauded because it shows you're standing up for yourself and not settling, etc. This is such a load of hogwash. But many people think this way, and good for them, they can all go screw each other's spouses and enjoy their 12 month endorphin rushes while searching facebook for their next A partner in their series of 5 year relationships.

The only thing I can really wonder about is this post had little to do with you. It had mostly to do with WAH and OM. That's why I think no one really had much to say. As long as you focus on them you'll be kind of stuck. Only when you put the focus on you and your life are you free to start getting back control. This is a great place to vent, so by all means it's better to post here than to walk around her car twice with your sharpest key (for example). But do challenge yourself to talk further about what you've got going on. Any news on the barbie front?

Hang in and keep posting.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2622248 11/07/15 01:22 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
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Hi Barbie,

I have been reading through some of your situation.

As an outsider reading in I think that if you continue to hold yourself with dignity, and make it look like you can't be bothered getting upset about STBX or OW, you will start to look better and better in exes eyes. It sounds almost like he is going for OW because he wants to rebel. It sounds like she is making you a common enemy to keep him. But don't play the game and be that enemy.

Be above it, look good and dont engage. Take on the attitude that OW is beneath you and not worth your reaction. She is going to just come across as controlling, Disgusting, and selfish. You know why? Because she is. What type of person goes for a married man with 3 small kids? A pretty sleazy one.
Sit back and let her dig her own grave. She really can't compete.

You on the other hand have class. Don't waste your time worrying about someone so beneath you. Life is too short. Sure, it's upsetting but you have spent enough time being upset, So go on and get out there and do things for you!


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
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