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#2572050 05/26/15 11:57 PM
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"All in you" by Iration

If you want to learn you got to try
You got to get it wrong to get it right
You're searching for the truth but finding lies
When all you got to do is look inside you

It's all in you

You want to be a star you got to shine
And use your own light when you need a guide
You keep getting lost following signs
When everything you need is right inside you


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2572072 05/27/15 12:28 AM
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I still, after all this time, don't know how to carry over my last thread or do quotes. If anyone can teach me, would be great?

Thanks for your validation Cali. Sometimes you just need that, you know? Thing is, my issues with MIL and H go so much deeper than a stupid haircut. I always kept my mouth shut with her. When I talked to H about her, I would just get a shoulder shrug. I have spent years thinking I was making much ado about nothing, but I am seeing clearer these days. It's time to hold my ground with her and I feel strong and confident in myself to be able to do so.

I am feeling as if I am approaching a new phase in my journey. I am getting better at setting boundaries with H calmly. I also have learned to let the little things go. I choose my battles with him, for my own peace.

I am feeling extremely detached in that I have no desire to talk to, see or spend time with H. Things come up, and it crosses my mind to invite him, then I think, I really don't want him around. If he disappeared, except for the abandonment effects on my son, I would be very happy. I truly don't care what he is doing or what is going on with him. I am just.....cold and numb.

It scares me a bit, the way I have been feeling. I have that fear, that this could be it for me, have I truly given up? Part of me just can't take that last step, to truly and fully let go. So my rope has turned into a tiny string, maybe even dental floss. And I worry, how could I possibly keep a paved path home when I feel so cold? However, these feelings are towards this new person he has become, not my old H....so I suppose if he decided to peek out....could be different for me.

I feel it's time to start playing divorced. Time for H to really experience the loss of what he has left. Not for any reason other than how I am feeling. I feel divorced. I am living a completely different life than H. The only connection we have is S. I guess I expected to feel "friendly and open" for a bit longer, but it's just not there. Part of the process I suppose.

I continue to live laugh and love, no bitterness here. I love everything around me to the fullest, I am so happy this experience hasn't ruined that. I am now not only still keeping an eye on that mirror, but also doing some real soul searching and looking inside. I keep digging, things are getting clearer and I am starting to really see my real self. There is good and bad, the first step is to see it, the 2nd is to work on those things I want to change.

All in all, this experience has been an amazing path to myself. My true self. After 45 years I am finally finding my true self.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2572364 05/27/15 05:37 PM
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mleigh

Diggin the new title, and if one can step back ... forget about the pain and destruction for a minute and look at the series of changes the LBS is forced to make with all this MLC stuff thrown at us ... you can really appreciate the growth process can you not?

You have done this all with grace, become stronger, independent ... and like you said .. starting to find your true self. I think in my case I was comfortable, going through the motions ... and thinking about it now, THAT was not living .. what I am doing now .. sure I would prefer things to be better but I am actually living, enjoying the small things, things I overlooked and took for granted.

As much as I would never wish MLC on anyones family, as much pain and hurt it caused ... pain I still must deal with .. I can at this point appreciate the fact it gave me MY life back, a second chance to stop just going through the motions, to start living again ... I realized over the weekend colors of birds during the hike I took, the greens in the trees were brighter and more vibrant.

I know you will be better after this .. because ... I see you already are.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2572450 05/27/15 09:02 PM
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Yes Cali yes!! I was nodding my head reading your post. It is like I got MY life back, you are spot on. I was like a robot, going through the daily routine and not really enjoying it. I have now an appreciation for the little things and have put more time and focus on fun and relaxation, and not so much on what needs to be done. I think my son has also gotten a better mom out of this. Somehow, with all I have gone through, and still am, I am happier and more grounded than I have been in years.

So after my rant above about not feeling friendly towards H anymore.....H came by to drop off dog last night. I actually think my comment to him, that S and I have been through enough, he doesn't need to take the dog too, may have actually sunk in! We will see.

Anyway, H came in about 6:30, still dressed for work. He seemed happy as a clam (are clams really happy?) that he had to go back to a job he was working. He mentioned he was really happy to be working outside. Since he was promoted, he is inside in meetings all day. So he has definitely become a workaholic. It's all he talks about and seems to be doing all the time.

As he was running out, I handed him a kit Kat candy, said to hold him over until dinner. He texted a few minutes later saying thank you, yummy. I replied welcome. He then let me know he turned in son's raffle ticket sales for his school. I replied a big thank you for handling it. He went on to say he even filled out son's raffle ticket. I replied great job! Lol. You guys are not kidding when you say they are desperate for approval and praise. He ate it up.

But I stopped myself, told myself no more, we are "divorced" now remember!? Oh well, I went with how I felt, being true to myself. He sucked me back in for a minute there.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2572658 05/28/15 01:37 PM
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Mleigh4,

awesome lyrics. I'm going to add it to the DB songbook in my thread.

If you like "all in you", you will love ericmsant2's "the star is inside you" post. if you haven't read it, you should. One of the best posts on this site, IMHO.

Best,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2572953 05/29/15 02:38 AM
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RAI I am glad you liked the lyrics! I actually typed them up and have them on my fridge. I too have a folder of inspiring posts or quotes, and yes, I too have the Star is inside you. I find that kind is stuff so helpful when I am feeling down.

Thanks for stopping by smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2573259 05/29/15 09:48 PM
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Interesting interaction last night. It was H's night with son, so I headed to grocery store after work. When I got in my truck, I noticed a missed call and message from H, did I get his text? I didn't, so I called him and once again he had a last minute early meeting, can he bring son home tonight? I see this as bonus time with S, so I always say ok. But H went on and on about the reason for the meeting and what is happening with a guy at his work.....chatty catty....

So about 8 he TM"s that they are running behind. About 9:30 he arrives with S. Well, when I had gotten home after shopping, my 6 pack of corona"s had tipped over and 2 fell out and broke in our driveway:( So H apparently came across a piece of the bottle, cap still intact. I opened the door to let them in and he barks out, what is this? What kind of ruckus went on out here? He had such a look on his face, like a mix of anger, bewilderment and disgust, that I started laughing. I didn't give any explanation, so he said, so what happened!?

I explained what happened, meanwhile, my phone is beeping like crazy. My girlfriend texting me about our plans this weekend. So I could see steam coming from his head, lots of thinking going on. I mean really, what was in his mind? What did he think happened? It it was a great example of how things so innocent could look so bad. I kind of enjoyed that he actually showe some......concern....or jealousy....not sure really what it was but I saw a sign that he still cares. I won't lie, it felt good.

His mom gave S some trinkets from her Hawaii trip, H brought them to my place. Any ideas why H always brings gifts to S here instead of keeping them at his place? That always confuses me.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2573262 05/29/15 09:57 PM
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mleigh
I smiled reading this ... because yeah as total alien as they are and as detached as they seem to be small things seem to snap them down to earth and they become really nuts ... its like "Ok I am going to go do my own thing for a bit .. you LBS , you sit here on the shelf where I put you.. do not move m'kay ? And when we move or are not in that spot it flips them out.

So don't lie .. you had some ChippenDale dancers over for that rager you hosted the other night ... strippers and coke for all right? .. Bwahahaha


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



mleigh4 #2573283 05/29/15 10:42 PM
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I about died laughing at his questioning you about what went on at your place. You should have said that you had a wild party on the driveway last night and shot some fireworks off the celebrate that Friday was just around the corner.

They want independence and be away from you "mom", but your man/child is the first one to a bit testy when he "assumed" something else had gone on. So very typical of them.

Gotta laugh!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2573337 05/30/15 01:11 AM
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And who says "ruckus" anymore? That made me laugh more than anything, just struck me as funny smile You got me Cali! But actually they were firemen, big party!!!

Ya Job, he seems a little more concerned about the going on's here lately. Especially knowing his own buddies are hanging at his house. I know the feeling, experienced it when I moved out, it was horrible!

So he TM this afternoon asking how S was, he scraped his knee up pretty bad at school yesterday. I put my phone down and let it sit, didn't respond. Time to switch things up, I always respond right away but just didn't feel like it, it wasn't urgent....45 minutes later, he TM asking if he could call son. To that I replied yep.

Happy Friday everyone! Time to get ready for my firemen again! smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2573405 05/30/15 03:57 AM
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I forgot to post my dream last night. I rarely dream about H. We were on a cruise ship and all my family was there too. My aunt's, uncles, cousins.... we were all there to celebrate H and I renewing our vows. So I had my wedding dress, and was getting dressed, and thinking it was all wrong. I didn't want a traditional wedding style ceremony, I wanted H and I to do this on a beach, toes in the sand, sundress, low key. So I called H in my room, he was dressed in his suit, the one we got married in. I told him how I felt and he said ok, let's change the plan and do that.

Ugh, he looked so handsome, those eyes.... my old H. So we told our family, then my dream became weird like they always do, and I grabbed S and we rushed off to get on the next cruise ship for our cruise, the one we have scheduled in July. Just me and S, we left H behind.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2573837 05/31/15 06:11 PM
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Feeling a little icky, not sure why, but will get to that....

Having a nice weekend. H TM yesterday morning that he was going to go to Costco and to let him know what I need. I told him, then added to let us know if he needed help shopping. He said he would pick us up. We all went to Costco, I was excited because I haven't been in months and always like seeing what they have, so I enjoyed it. And for the first time, I didn't have anxiety or concern about getting in H's truck for fear of smelling girl. There was no smell, the seat was in my position, and I think I am starting to let go of that fear.

H talked my ear off, all about work and a guy he had to lay off. H talked about how messed up this guy is, how he has messed up his life and continues to make bad choices. H said he felt really bad about it and wished there was something he could do to help. It was surreal, hearing H explain MY feelings about HIM, to a T. But I had STFU written in my mind, loud and clear, and did a great job of it. I just listened and only at the end said, I know you like helping people, we are fixers, but this guy can only help himself. He is going to have to figure it out.

Very interesting conversation.

After shopping, we stopped to pick up 2 of son's buddies, H was taking them all to his place. So they dropped me off and went on their way.

A few hours later, the mom of the boys TM me for H address. She said she could not get a hold of him, so was heading over there to pick up her boys. I gave her his address, but was really worried that H blew it. He is trying so hard....so about an hour later, without hearing from anyone, I TM the mom asking, all good? She said she went and hung out for a little while, and decided to let the boys sleepover there. She said H must be exhausted, that he was perfect for the boys and working hard to all have fun. I was so happy to hear it worked out and let her know adding that H is trying hard to connect with S, he is just bad with his phone!

So I settled in for a nice quiet night. Had my wine, pizza and Netflix. So this is where I am struggling. A friend TM, he needed a place to stay. He lives with his sister, floors being redone. We have been friends for 25 years, he worked with H way back and originally tried to set H and I up, he was also married to a good friend of mine. He has his issues, but is a good friend of mine. We do have a brief past history, before H, and he has shown an interest in me, but I have made it very clear I love my husband and am keeping my side of the street clean.

So he came over, we watched movies, drank wine, he slept in spare room, me in mine. Totally innocent, had a nice time, it was nice to have some company. We talked a little about H, he worries H is doing drugs. But he says he does not know that for sure, said it could explain his new workaholic life. He also mentioned that he saw H driving the other day and waved, and H did not wave back. H is not very fond of friend, mainly because of issues and trouble he has gotten into, drugs and prison with past wife problems. I know it sounds bad, but I know friend well, he is harmless but good at getting himself in pickles!

Anyway, I am worried now. About H finding out and thinking the wrong thing. I know H does not want me hanging out with friend. What if neighbor, who knows H, tells him? Not sure why I care so much, but I do. I guess lesson learned, if it bothers me this much, don't do again. So, feeling a bit icky about it.

H is supposed to drop S soon and help me pick up a new canopy at Home Depot. He just sent me pics of the boys toasting marshmallows last night, said they are crazy and up until midnight.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2573891 05/31/15 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4
Thanks for stopping by smile
my pleasure! It's so weird how I don't mingle too much with folks outside of the newcomer's thread. My W is WAW and MLC, but I still feel very much like newcomer to all this.

Originally Posted By: mleigh4
Anyway, I am worried now. About H finding out and thinking the wrong thing. I know H does not want me hanging out with friend. What if neighbor, who knows H, tells him? Not sure why I care so much, but I do. I guess lesson learned, if it bothers me this much, don't do again. So, feeling a bit icky about it.
Were you worried before he came over? Did your antennae go up first, or did you only feel badly about it afterward?
Why do we fuss so much about doing the "right" thing? And being perceived as having done the "right" thing? Especially when our spouses don't care at all about their own behavior. Don't get defensive. You know you did nothing wrong, so if the subject comes up, you have nothing to hide.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
mleigh4 #2573909 05/31/15 09:27 PM
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I wouldn't worry about what you h thinks about your guest last evening. After all, your son wasn't there and you are a grown woman who was being kind to someone who needed a place to stay.

As for your neighbor telling him stuff...shame on him. He needs to mind his own business. I'm sure there was a lot of stuff that went on in your home when your h was living there alone and you didn't know about. I wouldn't worry about that nosy neighbor.

Enjoy your free time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2573932 05/31/15 10:53 PM
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RAI, so you are on newcomers? That would explain why I don't see your postings about your own sitch. There is great support on this site, I hope it is helping you. This is no easy road we are on!

my antenna went up before. In fact, this has come up before, but I always have excuses. Last night I figured, what the heck, I welcomed the company. I figured I will just make it clear, friends only. I am not naive and know friend would take more if an option. I guess that is why I have avoided it, but I am glad we talked about it. He said I have made myself clear. But I don't think I will go there again based on how it left me feeling.

Job, I can't count the times H has acted inappropriately and the reality of it has been left to my imagination. I do know I did nothing wrong, but friend is somewhat known as a player, it looks bad as innocent as it is and that is what bothers me, even though it really shouldn't.

This has helped me realize I am still in this and still care very much about my marriage. So much so that I am openly saying that to people now instead of staying quiet. It [censored], I fear those feelings of hope and is why I have been trying to fight it by shutting myself down more than ever from H. To protect myself. He has been on my mind a lot lately, I am missing him and trying really hard to not get caught up in it. like all of our come and go emotions, I am sure it will pass so I will just feel them and ride it out.

H dropped off S and stopped off on the way to pick up my canopy for me. I tried to help him carry it into the back yard, but he said not to, doesn't want me to hurt myself. Once we got it in the back, we sat down and he told me about his night with the kids, showed me some video. Says next time they want to camp out and asked to borrow the tent for it.

When he was leaving, I noticed he forgot to grab his part of the dog food we split, so I ran it out to his truck. He jumped out and said "be careful, you are barefoot and I just found a few more pieces of glass on the driveway." I guess I didn't do a very good clean up, need to redo.

He also gave me my insurance slip for my truck that we just renewed. It has his new address on it. He handed it to me and said, "I apologize for the address on there, I don't know why it got changed, I didn't ask them to do that"

Must ....keep ...... moving forward.......


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2573945 05/31/15 11:42 PM
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I do understand how you feel about your guest and being above board on this stuff. Of course you care about your marriage. You've not given up and are still hoping and praying for his crisis to be resolved and all of you back under one roof. If you didn't care, I would think that there is something wrong w/you.

I find it interesting that the address was changed. It wouldn't have happened automatically, so he must have had it changed and forgot that he did it. Oh, well...the memory is down the tube these days.

Stay the course and yep, continue moving forward.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2573970 06/01/15 01:24 AM
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Thank you Job, you're posts mean so much to me, you are a true comfort to me smile You are right, there would be something wrong if I didn't care.

He had to get renters insurance, so that changed the address for everything. Makes sense to me, I knew right away what happened, but I STFU. I appreciated his apology though.

Yes, my goal this week is to bring my PMA back up to par. Enjoying my Sunday night with son and fur babies, a good start smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2574081 06/01/15 02:18 PM
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Sounds like you are all doing really good.

Yes, I can see where you would worry about your overnight guests. But you know your intentions, so cut yourself some slack.

Focus on PMA and GAL, let me know your plans? I need some new ideas?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2574354 06/02/15 03:20 AM
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Hi 2B. I don't have many GAL ideas lately. In fact, I have been wanting to just be home more and more!

I'm a little.....annoyed right now. Maybe someone can help put this into perspective for me? Tonight S is with H. I am exhausted and was just dozing off and I hear a text from H. Out of the ordinary to get a random text from him. It says, we went for a hike! He created a picture of his house and barn, taken from way out in the field, with a mini pic of him and son in the corner. So, it's more of a pic of his stupid place. I don't know if I am explaining it well....

But I just dropped my phone and said WTF? Am I supposed to be....thrilled and happy to receive a pic of his place, of him being so proud of it?

I may be seeing and taking this all wrong, so please, let me know. It's an adorable mini pic of him and son in the corner, but the pic of his place really threw me.

I don't even know what to respond. In fact, for the first time, I think I may not.

Ouch you guys. That one hurt.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2574357 06/02/15 03:37 AM
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M, put it in perspective...he's not all there. He is wackadoo, no matter what glimpses you may see of the old H.

I'm sure it hurt. I'm sorry. But, I'm just as sure that he is oblivious. Teenagers aren't capable of much sensitivity. Sadly, that's who he is right now.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2574362 06/02/15 03:54 AM
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Ya, I do honestly know he is not being insensitive on purpose. I do get that. I like thinking "wackadoo" Fits perfect!

I have not responded and don't think I will. A happy face, or "cute", doesn't fit what I think and I will only be real. But dang it, a random text, that part is nice. Means I am on his mind, even for a blip.

It's one of those DB moments for me....do I respond....do I not...which is the right thing to do? And how? I thought I was past that. Well, my main focus right now is STFU, it's the biggest change I see I need to make in myself lately. So, I think I will do just that and let it all go.

I think this calls for some yoga time.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2574440 06/02/15 02:19 PM
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Yeah I used to get those a few times from W, I honestly think its what I call a string tactic by our confused MLCrs .... by that I mean for whatever reason they need to tug on a string to make sure they are still connected to us, there seems to be many strings.... so they tug just to make sure we are still there. Over time with me detaching .. like you I would go from "Awww she thought of me and texted me" ... to "WTF ... does she realize this was all her choice?" So like you I stopped replying to every string tug ... and the Push/Pull Distancer dance continued ... and still does.

I think its just part of this M, nothing to do with us ... we are the rocks, the lighthouse, they drift so far away sometime it seems they need comfort in knowing we can still see them.

Just my thoughts on this.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2574565 06/02/15 09:10 PM
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Thanks Cali. Ya, I see your point and agree. This is how I see it:

H woke up one day and realized he wasn't sure who he was anymore, what he wanted, or even what he felt. So he decided to go on an adventure, to figure this out. I was told all this and to just stay put, because he may or may not come back. This may or may not be the right thing for him. He is thinking, just stay right there. And every once in a while, he will check to see if I have. Kind of like my son does when we go places and I tell him, go play, I will be right here.

It's all up to me. There is no right or wrong in respond or don't respond. It has to be what feels right for me at that moment. I could always just get tired of it all, pick up the phone, and file for divorce. But is that what I want?, no. In reality, I would not be living my life any differently than I am.

But I do get this feeling, he is not truly experiencing what it would be like to lose me. I am feeling this need to pull back more, be dimmer. Another rock for me to turn, for myself. Because I need to know I tried everything.



Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2574571 06/02/15 09:23 PM
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Very wise thinking, my dear. He definitely is on an adventure and he wants to show you, mom, what his new place looks like now. He's not thinking like an adult, but he's very proud of himself and his new "camping site".

He's going to be checking in periodically to see if you are right where he left you and will go into a bit of a panic mode if you aren't, i.e., like the beer bottles getting broken in the driveway. He just knew you had had a party or someone over and it got wild and out of hand. He doesn't want "mom" to move one inch w/o him knowing about it. He's like a toddler learning to walk and wants to try his hand at it first and when mom goes around the corner, he panics because mom isn't in his sight just in case he starts to fall.

You are still readily available to him and he's truly not experiencing this "all by himself" and being truly "independent" because you are still there a large majority of the time. You may have to go a bit dimmer w/him for a bit for him to start feeling the loss of you, "mom".

You've got this!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2574577 06/02/15 09:39 PM
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M and job ... I completely agree.

As much as we 'stand' for our MLC'rs there does seem to be a point when we know in our hearts that ... like M said .. We are living as we would regardless of D, or the current set up. I do think the MLCr has to realize some sort of time frame, seems the years feel like weeks/months to them, and maybe feel like 5 years to us. But unless they feel us actually moving on I truly feel like limbo will last longer, things will not progress, they will continue to just 'be' and not really go and do the work they need to.

So yeah M, dimmer and darker I would agree with .... I said before its a shame this plays out like a game at times .. but it just seems to.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2574624 06/03/15 12:48 AM
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Thank you Job. I know you have seen it all so to get your nod of approval really helps. It is strange that you said he is proud of his place, because that is exactly how that pic came off to me and what irked me so much. How could he be proud of a move that has hurt so many people? Simple wackadoo smile

Cali, it so feels like a game sometimes, but it feels better as time goes along to feel more in control of MY next move. I feel like H is fine and dandy with this current arrangement, and fear just like you said, limbo land will drag on and on. Some of his actions and comments lately have confirmed that he is still very scrambled!

I was recently reminded in a post I read that MLC usually lasts 3 to 5 years. I am not even at 2 yet and I have no doubt there is a long way to go. I don't think he has even begun looking at himself yet. My thinking is that I will continue to ride out this year as is, through the holidays and all that. Just that thinking takes some pressure off myself. Come next year, I will reevaluate where I stand. In the meantime, I will give dimmer a try.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2574625 06/03/15 12:56 AM
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M, wow, some really great posts here. Job and Cali have great insight on this. And, m, I agree with the attempt or assumption of lbs staying put. I know xh was def counting on that option when he left... And then some. Even said he may come back.

Anyway, keep in mind, mlc does not start at bd. It was already in the works before then, so your h has prob been over 2 years, I'd think. Bd is when it starts for the lbs.

It can be disheartening, however, to watch and see no progress. I think some keep progress hidden for awhile. However.... It is a loooong road. I spent too much time looking for little things, and there were many, but at the end of the day, big changes need to happen for it to make a difference.

You'll be good, m. Hopefully, by the time the holidays come around, you will be strong enough to just enjoy them, wherever YOU are on the road.

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Thank you Mighty for the reminder that MLC happens before BD. When I think back, I see about 9 months pre BD when H started to withdraw. At the time, I had no idea what was coming ahead!

I am feeling good, back to high PMA. It's interesting. I feel like I am moving quickly, changing and growing. And it seems H is in the same spot as BD, except a bit happier. Sad to say. Is his happiness for real? It hurts sometimes. I guess time will tell. Every time I interact with him, he seems to be a happy camper.

So not much new. Friend has texted a couple of times asking about another movie night. Sigh. I hope I didn't make a mistake. I am no way ready for any type of pursuing. I thought I made myself clear with friend, I don't want to lead anyone on. I told him I will let him know, but I don't know if we can hang out without him wanting more.

So don't laugh, but I have been wanting to fill up the empty walls in the garage from where H took his stuff. So I ordered some posters. Kurt Cobain and Chili Peppers. Lol, why not some hot guys, right? Um, who is going through the MLC? Funny thing is, when I was ordering them online, it had a special note to make sure you input your dorm room number! Ha, no, just a 45 year old woman wanting pics of cute guys in her garage! Well, my 50 year old co-worker says she wants to come over and have a beer in the garage while ogling the pics. I said ya, then we can throw our bottles across the driveway! Lol

I have been dark with H, no contact. Dropped off S at his place tonight. He TM he was home and not to speed on his street because there is as a cop hiding out. I didn't respond anything but "on our way". At drop off, while getting S and his stuff out of truck, H came out and his neighbor was talking really loud to someone. Complaining about something. H just looked at me, rolled his eyes and sighed. Must be an ongoing issue? I didn't say a word, completely ignored it, grabbed S's stuff, gave S a hug and kiss bye, and told H bye. Oh, and I added to H that he could just put S's iPad and doggie (he sleeps with) in his backpack instead of having to drop it off at my house. Ya, I said my house, just um came out....?

Some paradise he has there.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2577583 06/12/15 04:27 AM
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It has been a BUSY week!

Last weekend I went to a grad party. Had a nice time. Friend was there as we hang in the same circle. After getting nowhere with requests to come back over to my place to watch movies, he had texted Saturday morning a picture of a repair kit to fix my screen door lock that had broke. That creeped me out and I did not respond. He had an attitude with me at the party, something to the effect of saying what am I going to do, have my husband fix it? not nice, keeping my distance from him. He is starting to weird me out.

I put together my new canopy for my backyard all by myself! I really felt the need to do this without H's help, and I did. I only needed to call my cousin to help connect the top to the frame, but that was it. Super proud of myself and it looks beautiful.

Landscapers came Monday and Tuesday to complete my rock garden project. It looks great! I also cleaned and filled my hot tub, which S and I don't heat and use as a mini pool in the summer. My yard is ready for some bbq parties!

Monday we had record temps here in Gilroy, 109 degrees! About 15 minutes after I got home from work, the power went out and was estimated to be out all night. I decided to walk to a nearby favorite restaurant to treat myself to dinner and a cocktail. I had planned on going alone, but ended up texting my cousin to see if he wanted to join, which he did. The place was packed with people escaping the power outage. In fact, I ended up meeting my new next door neighbor who moved in about 2 months ago. We totally hit it off and ended up eating all together. She is married, military, same sex couple, with 10 year and 13 year old daughters. They love to bbq, hike and go wine tasting. (All my favorites) And they have a pool table! I didn't have my son that night, so they came over the next night for the kids to meet and they too hit it off too. So I am super excited about this, fun times for the summer!

Monday night, H took S and dog for his night. He ended up being too tired to bring dog home Tuesday night and stalled Wed night. It just annoys me. I want your opinion on this. I don't like dog going back and forth. This is her home and she helps me to feel safe. H decided to leave, I feel he has called so many of the shots and I am so tired of him getting his way. I gave him the name of a lab rescue. Tonight he is already asking to have her Saturday night with son. Shouldn't this be his problem? Not ours? I go back and forth with myself on this. Shared custody for our dog, really!??


Issue came up with H and Grammy changing her day to have S this week, and of course nobody told me. I found out when S realized he was going to miss an end of school party because of it. I was pretty ticked, but sat on it for the day and prayed for a way to resolve this in a peaceful way. That night, I confirmed with S that he wanted to do this party instead of Grammy day, and he said yes. So I sent a text to H and Grammy, basically saying that I understand arrangements were made to have Grammy pick up S instead of me, which I was not made aware of, but that S wanted to attend an after school party and that I would be picking him up after work as usual. I added to Grammy to please call me when she had time to discuss our schedule. She called that night and it went well. According to her, H was supposed to let me know. I let her know that I pick up S daily, except for her Grammy day, and to please make arrangements through me and H, not just H. I was firm, but in a calm friendly way. Not a single bad thing about H came out of my mouth.

I am starting to believe in prayer for guidance. It has been very helpful to me lately smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2577584 06/12/15 04:31 AM
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Oh, one last thing to add. When H brought dog home last night, he saw the landscaping and the canopy, but didn't say one word about it. He was originally supposed to help me with the canopy in return for ribs, but I decided to try on my own. And I had sent him a pic of the yard the night before, which he responded saying it looked great. But I thought it strange that he made no comment when here.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2577591 06/12/15 05:06 AM
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You most certainly had a busy week.

Sounds like your friend got rather miffed that you didn't take him up on his offer to repair your screen. Apparently he thought that offering to repair the screen would open the door for him to spend time w/you and stay over. I'm glad you didn't bite on his offer.

I be your new canopy looks fantastic! In fact, I bet your entire yard is beautiful. I can just imagine what your h thought when he saw the canopy and the gardens. He's not going to say anything for a while about everything being done. He was shocked to see that things are moving along and he's not being a part of it. Oh, well...sometimes choices have consequences that we didn't ask for.

About the dog, maybe it's time to suggest that he get one of his own. That's entirely too much back and forth for a pet to be going through and then him not bringing the dog on as planned. Maybe he doesn't want to tell you that he misses home and the dog is a tie to "home".

Nice job on the text and conversation w/Granny. She now has heard it directly from you that you are to be included in activities for your son. Apparently your h isn't telling you stuff and she now realizes it. Boundary set, let's see if she can follow thru from here on out by including you in discussions about activities for your son.

Enjoy your yard. You should really be proud of yourself because you've accomplished a lot since your H ran away.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2577597 06/12/15 07:05 AM
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Hi Mleigh, sounds like you are doing well. It's nice to read of you making progress with your garden. And good that H sees you moving forward with your own life and progressing things like this because you want to. It does sound like a good job with Gma. You clarified that boundary, but maintained the relationship at the same time.

I get that dynamic about your H 'seeking approval' from you. It's a funny one with MLC. One one level, my H seems to care not a jot for me. I have been wiped from his life. But on another level, I think MLCers need to know we approve. My H and I spoke last week (first time in a while!) He told me about some activities he had been doing, and seemed keen to 'show off' to me about them. It was almost childlike...

I agree about the dog. Maybe H could occasionally take puppy out, rather than having 'joint custody?'

Enjoy your lovely garden! T x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2577654 06/12/15 02:31 PM
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Yeah like job .... I was wondering when your 'friend' was going to push .... as a guy, well ... yeah wine and movies I know your intentions and you had already stated he pressed for more prior I just did not see that going away, you handled it well and he is miffed because he probably seen a crack in the door with a possible future green light but you have pretty clearly showed him the Stop sign ... well handled .. things should not be strange and awkward.

As far as the dog ... your dog issue and mine seem a bit different. During the Anger/Replay phase W pretty much abandoned me and the pooch ... but when she started towards the end of Replay and into Reconnection she would want me to bring him for the lake walks, she would ask to see him on Facetime while talking to S, would TM here n there she missed him, now there is a bit of back and forth but not much as the 5:00am walk-wake ups he is famous for disrupts her routine.
I agree ... I do think its boundary time, your house, your dog .. his choice to leave both. I know you can pull this off all calm and collected cool chick like just as you handled Granny-Enabler. Wow ... did I just say that .. yup ... lol. You sound really good... in a good spot ... sounds like you have all the makings for some killer summer parties which I will need some notice ... its a long Bike ride but I will crash any party for ribs.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2577836 06/13/15 01:47 AM
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Thank you so much for your posts and support! You guys would be correct, I am feeling great. Very high PMA lately, really loving life and looking forward to the summer. I am super proud of the fact that I was left to take care of the house and am doing it well. The house looks better than ever! H has been teaching me how to program the light timers, the sprinkler system, how to open the garage in case of a power outage! Ya, I was stuck which is why I walked to the restaurant. I grew up in apartments, and H took care of all this stuff. But I am Learning and thriving and love my home more than ever.

When my new neighbor came over, she told me the house has a really good energy. She said it feels peaceful. That was nice to hear.

S had his last day at school today and brought his best report card yet home. He did stellar in every subject and I am so proud of him. I have been doing my best to keep our life as normal as possible and it seems to be paying off! I truly believe son and I are thriving right now in spite of H.

As far as dog....this is how I see it. I'm sure he wants her around because he misses her and loves her. That has kept me being empathic about it. However, I have been dealing with those feelings for almost 2 years now with H and son! I have been shown very little empathy, given no choice, and it's time to realize that I matter too. If H needs a dog, he needs to get himself a dog. Ours was bought for our home, and she helps me to feel safe. I am ready to say that all to H next time it comes up, I no longer worry so much about rocking the boat! I can't physically keep him from taking her, but I will no longer help.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2577876 06/13/15 03:56 AM
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Cali- to say grammy-enabler is spot on. Monday H had S all day, school was closed. H was supposed to take S to dentist that afternoon. Instead? Grammy took S to dentist while H went grocery shopping. It really is sad.....and extremely unattractive!

She bails him out and comes to his rescue time after time after time......


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2578128 06/13/15 10:13 PM
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Hey, mleigh, great job on handling the “Granny issue”, LOL. And great job on the house! It is very empowering, isn’t it, to know that you can do things on your own. My H used to take care of a lot things in the house. I was mostly doing the yard work. I’m lucky that I have a son who also knows how to do a lot of things, so I ask him for help. At the same time, I’ve learnt a lot too. And keep learning…

Congrats on your son finishing the school year with great results.

As for the dog… I would probably feel the same, but at the same time the dog seems to represent some kind of connection for your H, besides the fact that he misses him. My dog was found by H and brought to our house from a different state. So, he was kind a special to both of us. At some point, not long before BD, I felt that H didn’t care much about the dog. Until about a year ago, when I started hearing the rumors (from our mutual friends) that H misses the dog, and even mentioning him as “his dog”. He never asked to take him, not even for a walk. So, no sharing of custody here smile .


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H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Hi Bright. I feel extremely empowered by bringing my home back to life and learning how to take care of it. It helps with my self confidence so much. A friend got caught up on things this weekend and told me to be careful, son is watching all this and that I am setting high standards for any future wife for him. Lol, I'll take that as a compliment smile

As far as dog, I also had a friend suggest to just keep it simple with H and to just try telling him that dog helps me to feel safe at home. That is the biggest reason I don't like her away. It's worth a try.

Fun weekend. S and I hung out Friday night playing in hot tub, listening to music, and enjoying the very warm weather. I never initiate contact with H, but I did text him about S's perfect report card. H was a little confused about his level of all subjects being "early advanced", asked if it meant S was skipping a grade, just didn't understand what it meant. I sighed, read the text out loud and said to son, you do see where you get your brains from, right?, while pointing to myself. S busted out laughing, was pretty funny.

Saturday I dropped of S with H on my way to meet friends. H asked if I was going to the beach, twice. I told him I wish but no, then did not offer my plans. Said my goodbyes and off I went. Got a massage followed by food and drinks with friends. Came home and watched some tv, quiet night.

Sunday, I didn't hear from H by 2, which is normal time for S to come home. So I TM H that S and I had hot tub and bbq plans for the afternoon. I ended up going to pick him up. I ALMOST invited H over to eat, but couldn't get it from my head to my mouth. S and I had a fun afternoon.

Fathers Day is coming up, not sure if I will offer to do anything or not. I mean, I was fired as his wife, right? If anything, he should just take S to spend some time with. I don't think I am up for being a part of it. Knowing H, he will invite himself over like he did for his birthday.....we will see. ...


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2579229 06/17/15 04:47 PM
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Sounding good M

Good call on the Fathers Day thing ... I think its a wise move for all us LBS to disregard those types of days ... more of the attitude "Hey its F-day I'm sure you would enjoy spending time with your S... here ya go have fun" which turns it into 'US' day as we can GAL and relax.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2579334 06/17/15 09:17 PM
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Strange interaction with H yesterday. I normally don't see him on Tuesdays, but he needed to bring by S's things from night before, said he didn't have time in the morning to drop it off. So, he was already at house when S and I pulled up. He walked out from the side of the house, my first thought being WTF is he doing now? Right away said he was grabbing the air conditioner. I said what aIr conditioner? He said, one he brought home a long time ago. I swear, I don't know where he has all this stuff stored and how I didn't know about it!?

Anyway, he said a quick hello to S, but seemed very rushed an d distracted. Real antsy. I mentioned S had a field trip the next day, he just said oh. Mentioned big game tonight! No response. So we stood at the garage door, he didn't come in, didn't visit dog or cat, just did a little rambling and said he had to go. S and I went in house, H took about 15 minutes to tie up the air conditioner in back of his truck, and off he went. I watched to make sure he didn't take anything else.

So strange, like a stranger. Could there be drug use going on here? Or is he just in a spin cycle during interaction? For whatever reason, it left me unsettled and feeling sad....for him.

However, I shook it right off and S and I had a great night. We just played all night, no video games! That is rare smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2579336 06/17/15 09:19 PM
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Cali, it's just not in me right now to offer anything for him for Fathers Day. Even though he gave me a nice breakfast on Mother's Day...... it's just not in me. It would be forced.

Feels good to have let go of him, but it still surprises me how far away I have gotten emotionally.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2579365 06/17/15 11:00 PM
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Yeah ... the eyes .. I remember looking at her sometimes and no one was home, like a shell ... and I thought too possible drugs, my W is all sorts of prude-ish and I could not imagine .. then again never imagine the Affair either so I decided if she did .. she did ... her deal but yeah its creepy that total disconnect they are capable of.

Yeah I get the Fathers day things ... I am not expecting anything, we went to a mission last weekend to 'celebrate' as W and I will be at that Retrouvaille thing this weekend.. Today is our Anniversary (got it right this yeah ... lmao) .... I was not going to say anything .. but she did bring it up just a little bit ago .. again I only told her I thought about it this morning but did not really go much further, its our 15th ... should be a big deal but with everything its really just another day, saves me from buying some crazy gift ... so all good.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



mleigh4 #2579377 06/17/15 11:23 PM
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If you do anything for Father's Day, then let the card and maybe a nice drawing from your son be his gift to his father. Your son could always make him something and give it to him versus purchasing something.

Any way, about the behavior, that is very typical of the MLCer. They get antsy, can't concentrate, can't look you in the eye and yes, the eyes look like shark eyes w/no sparkle. As they say, the eyes are the window to one's soul...well, right now, his soul is very dark w/MLC issues.

I use to think it was drug use as well, but so many of them behave this way, it's become something of normal behavior for someone experiencing a crisis.

How are the little fur babies?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2579448 06/18/15 02:26 AM
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Ok you guys made me feel a lot better! I think H is way too smart to get tied up with drugs, but you never know. Shark eyes sure describes it. Sometimes he just looks....so not here! How sad, to be so empty and lost. To not be able to see the love and possibilities right in front of you......your child that looks up to you....very sad.

Fathers Day will be about S and H. Nothing to do with me.

Cali, it's your anniversary? You are handling it much better than me. But sounds like you are handling it well. Hard to celebrate our marriage these days, right? So ya, for now, it's just another day. I believe some great celebrations are in the future for you though, and whoever she may be is a lucky girl smile

Hi Job! The fur babies are doing great. The dog and cat have become so attached to each other, it's really cute. But cat is boss! I got this great memory foam bed for dog, pretty big because she is. (Black lab) Well, I have a great picture of cat sprawled out on the bed sleeping right in the middle, and dog sleeping on the floor next to it. Lol. Dog is very patient with the queen!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2580302 06/20/15 05:54 PM
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Happy Saturday. As you know, I have been putting all my energy (and some savings!) lately into my yard. It is looking beautiful and has truly become my place of Zen. S is enjoying it too, we have spent every night outside this week. I ordered my finishing touches this morning, some solar powered string lights to hang across the fence. Got a great deal on Amazon! Also got a chandelier type thing with a flameless candle to hang in my canopy. That should do it, set for summer parties!

This morning I was sitting outside drinking my coffee and enjoying the yard and sound of the birds. Very peaceful. Our yard has no real fence, just a wrought iron fence around our deck to keep dog in. It's a normal neighborhood,our yards are all connected but open to each other's, only separated by trees and landscaping. So we get deer and creatures through our yard all the time. So All of a sudden, a deer goes running through with my cat chasing after it. I cracked up, Job, I know you will appreciate that. My cat is crazy.


Me and my 3 close girlfriends have planned a weekend in the end of July to come to my town, spend the day wine tasting and come back to my place for the night. "Girl party" as my son calls it. Can't wait!

At drop off to H Thursday night, H said he made plans with his dad and sister (drug addict sister) to have brunch. He asked if he could take S and I said of course. Poor S told me he does not want to go, says he just wants to give H his gift and stay home, says H is not fun. I told him H loves him very much, just to go for him and make the best of it, just a couple of hours. I am honestly surprised H even wants to go, he is not close with either sister, this one is particularly strange, thought he would plan something fun for S and him, but his circus! I am just so glad I don't have to be a part of it!

S and I however are going today to see new Disney movie, then more outside time. We have brownies to make H, they are his favorite. Gonna be a fun day for us smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2580304 06/20/15 06:01 PM
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M4, your garden sounds wonderful.

I want to do something in my yard, but I have no clue.

Have a great weekend


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2580574 06/21/15 10:54 PM
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Hi 2B. When you go places that you enjoy, what are the surroundings like? What makes you feel relaxed? Plants, flowers, water features, cactus, gardening and growing veggies....whatever that is, that is what you could put in your yard smile

So a little vent time. My heart is beating so hard it feels like it's going to burst out of my chest. H made plans for brunch with his dad and sister and asked to take S. Even though it's my day with S, it's Fathers Day, so of course that is fine. So H and his dad show up to pickup S. S was in tears shortly before pick up, he didn't want to go. But I perked him back up, reminded him it's Fathers Day and to go as a thank you to daddy for all he does for him.

So, This is my first issue. I have planned Fathers Day festivities for these 2 men (H and his dad) for 13 years of my life and neither one invited me today. Granted, I would not have gone, and I know things are different now, I guess it's the principal of it? I can't lie, it stung a bit.

So they left and I planned my day around S being gone for a few hours. So, a few hours later, I get text that they are heading back and that H plans on hanging with S a bit longer, maybe going to swim at his dad's house and asked if I wanted to go.

Now granted, I KNOW this is Fathers Day, but it is also my custody day. After tonight, I won't see him until Tuesday night. I am trying really hard to be considerate, but that is REALLY hard to do with a selfish MLC spouse. Really hard for me these days.

So I replied that I will pass on swimming, but that S and I had plans tonight and that he had only mentioned brunch....

So he of course threw the Fathers Day card at me and said he figured I would know he wanted him for the day.

I responded I totally get it being Fathers Day, but that he figured wrong, he had only mentioned brunch. I said in the future we need to be specific and communicate our plans because that is the way custody works and that is how it is now.

I have dinner in the crock pot for S and I, I was looking forward to our afternoon, so I'm not too happy right now. I keep reminding myself.....dignity and grace.....it's Fathers Day.......class and grace. That's the girl I want to be. Guess I should have seen this coming, then I wouldn't feel so disappointed frown

The right thing to do? I am thinking to keep my mouth shut, let them have their day being the day it is. Someone please remind me why we have to always do the "right thing" while our spouse gets to run around living life day to day in their own little selfish world? Because I could really go for my own selfish little fit right now!

mleigh4 #2580626 06/22/15 03:06 AM
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Feeling much better. Decided to let it go. Was all set to relax, poured myself a glass of chardonnay, got my book, and then got a text from H. Says we should discuss 50/50 custody if he has to ask permission to have S on Fathers Day. I replied that of course he should have S today, I just didn't realize he meant the whole day and that we need to communicate that kind of stuff. But I said sure, let's talk if you want to. I said we could even make it legal. Truth is, he never keeps to his schedule, I always accommodate for my son. Would love to have him give his excuses of running late and early morning meetings to the court!

Anyway, he just responded that they were on their way home. So he hung out for a bit during drop off, casual, nothing more mentioned.

So I just went in my bathroom and there is a note:

"Word gets around. I'm surprised, but I guess I shouldn't be"

I knew it. Friend told someone he stayed over and it got to H. And now it looks like something it wasn't. Believe me, it wasn't! Not even close.

So I just tested H "???" He replied "yep, ???"

I think I will just let it go, not going to play games. First of all, he left and we are separated. Technically I can do whatever I want. That being said, I have done nothing for almost 2 years, since BD, not even a date. H should know me better than that.

I had to deal with movie tickets and restaurants, a hotel on his credit card. Even finding women's boots in my house while I had moved out. I figure, let him imagine what he wants, to know how it feels.

Job, help, you are always my reason. Do I let this go and not bite?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2580630 06/22/15 03:12 AM
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Ok, I just replied, "hmmmm I have an idea what is on your mind, but if you want to know you should really just ask. You know me better than that, and it's not what you think, but I do know the feeling"

I will leave it at that.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2580631 06/22/15 03:13 AM
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Don't take the bait. You did nothing wrong and quite frankly it's none of his business what you are doing w/your life. The only thing he needs to worry about is his son, child support, visitation and finances. You are separated...it's none of his business. He's not sharing w/you what he's doing at his place when your son isn't there...is he?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2580640 06/22/15 04:09 AM
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I didn't expect a reply from you so fast! No, I agree, it's none of his business and almost regret even responding to his note at all. One of these days I will learn to let things sit before I react, I am getting better but still need work there.

On the other hand, I do care what he thinks, even though I shouldn't. I really don't want anyone thinking something happened between friend and I. Yuk, talk about a step down.

Job, as always you are right, what I do is none of his business. No further comments or explanations will be made. I said what I had to say. Can you imagine how he would react if the tables were turned here? I would most likely have gotten no response. But I do feel better giving a response instead of ignoring, that's not me.

I am really ready for a new day! Today was pretty crappy.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2580649 06/22/15 05:51 AM
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mleigh - I agree with job, just let it go, you don't owe your h any explanation for anything you do ....or don't do. It none of his business.

Something that worked for me when my h sent me a tm or email was to not reply straight away. Sit on it, overnight if possible, that way you have time to think. Its easy to send an emotional response and then regret it, been there, done that, wore the t-shirt many times in the early days lol.

You h is pushing buttons and you are responding - easy done, don't sweat it, just don't play his game anymore.

Oh, just my 2cents and that is all it is so please don't take offence - Father Day. Ok, well if the table was turned and it was Mothers Day, would you think it unreasonable if your h got upset that you wanted to spend the day with your s? - I understand it was a miscommunication and your day to have your s, but maybe being a little accomodating under the circumstances would have kept the battle lines being drawn at bay.

Your doing great mleigh, this is a minefield you are navigating and we all have to find out where to and not to walk - Keep going, you will be ok.

LouR #2580703 06/22/15 02:40 PM
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Thanks Lou. No offense taken, I did catch myself yesterday about Fathers Day. The emotions were taking over, but I recognized it and let it go, until H started pushing buttons and emotions took over again.

It is something I strongly see and need to work on. I get so frustrated with myself when I react. I am making a conscious effort to think before I react, yet I still fail. I feel so off kilter right now. I know my son senses it because he is extra clingy....and I feel disappointed in myself...I am so tired of H and dealing with him. I am ticked at friend and had bad dreams about him all night.

H has son tonight. I am going to get through the work day and regroup tonight. I need to stay strong and balanced, for me and S. These distractions are throwing me off. I think a good cry may help too.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2580716 06/22/15 03:54 PM
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Just caught up ... and job is right. You know where you are, nothing going on so nothing to address .... now if at some point your H wants to actually pull his head out of the MLC hole, commit to your M and then ask if there is someone else then would be the time to discuss that area like adults.
The note to me is something I look at, he did not confront you face to face, nor text .. a note. Thinking about your sitch there are seeds planted, This friend already had shown interest, the broken beer bottles, and now word out that he stayed over .. sure it looks far worse than it is and honestly ... this might be a nudge for your H, they want us where they put us when we left, you are living your life and this will catch the MLCrs attention.

I would brace for some push back or some movement as your H most likely starts to process these thoughts .. thoughts of you moving on in his mind.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2580901 06/22/15 09:15 PM
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Thank you Cali. For what it's worth, my intuition tells me this is heavy on his mind. When we first dated, I was not quite over my previous BF, and lied about seeing him a few times. Until H caught me redhanded. He obviously took me back, a year later, after I got XBF out of my system, but I always felt he never got over it. It was always a very sore spot for him.

I plan on laying low with H and keeping my guard up. I feel a storm may be on the horizon. However, I know I am clean as a whistle and can sleep at night with a clear conscience. That is most important to me and won't change anytime soon.

Starting to feel better, looking forward to a quiet night.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2580985 06/23/15 02:00 AM
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Another fun day today. Grammy picks up S from summer camp on Mondays. Because she can be very flaky and forgetful, I have asked her to TM me to confirm when she picks up S, which she has been doing a good job of. I just have this fear that S will be sitting there and everyone will be thinking someone else picked him up! Anyway, 4:00 came and went and no TM from her. So I TM asking if she picked up S or if I need to. She responded that she got into a big blowup with her H and it totally slipped her mind. She apologized and said she was really embarrassed, and asked to pick up on Friday instead. So I put my STFU into action! I cooled down for a few .minutes, called the school so they would tell S I was picking him up (I knew he would be worrying, sure enough, teacher said he had been laying on the couch. He told me he was scared Grammy got hurt) then I TM her back that I would pick him up and we will figure something out.

So I picked up S, he grilled me about Grammy, I told him she wasn't feeling well. No way would I ever tell him she forgot him! Then the fun part, to get him to H because it's his night.

I had just planned on taking S home and waiting for H to figure out what his mother did and let it be his problem. But S said he needed to hurry and get to daddy's because he was meeting up with a buddy on Mine craft (PC game) in 45 minutes. Ugh! So I TM H that I had to pick up S, his mom wasn't feeling well (truth between them) and that we were heading over. That was a joy!! H didn't look at me or say a single thing. He never acts like that, he is so PISSED at me.

I just gave S a big hug and said goodbye like normal. I have read so many stories on here, about this behavior, but I still can't believe I am witnessing this in my H. He LEFT me. It's been almost 2 years of "confusion", the things he has said and done.....and he is going to get mad at me for something that didn't even happen!!?? Without even getting the story from me, just going of whatever he heard? Which I have no idea what that was. They really want you to stay right where they left you!

Unbelievable. Truly unbelievable. I am also blown away by how normal and nice he was last night, hanging out with S and I, all with this on his mind, leaving me a note.... kind of creepy. He is extremely passive aggressive, I am going to pay one way or another emotionally. No doubt frown

Tonight I will be doing extra long yoga!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2581130 06/23/15 02:37 PM
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Journaling.....

My yoga and thinking in the middle of the night helped much, I am feeling much better and here is where I am at and where I want to be:

The rug was pulled out from under me 20 months ago. I was distraught and panicked until I realized I had 2 little eyes on me. It wasn't just me this happened to, that was all I needed to pick myself back up. S and I have worked so hard to get to an emotional state of security, stability and happiness. We have come so far and we are thriving! S is excelling in school and has good friends. I am doing great at work, actually enjoying it and keeping myself busy with projects. We are living life fully, in spite of the cards we were dealt....

And I will be damned if I let outside influences shake that. That includes H's hissy fits, negative people, and is even the reason dating is out of the question right now for me. I am in a good place and want to stay here a while as I get stronger and stronger each day. I want to stay focused and grounded, not just for me, for my son.

Life is good and full of possibilities, I can't complain. Today is a new day smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2581136 06/23/15 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4


I had just planned on taking S home and waiting for H to figure out what his mother did and let it be his problem. But S said he needed to hurry and get to daddy's because he was meeting up with a buddy on Mine craft (PC game) in 45 minutes. Ugh! So I TM H that I had to pick up S, his mom wasn't feeling well (truth between them) and that we were heading over. That was a joy!! H didn't look at me or say a single thing. He never acts like that, he is so PISSED at me.

I just gave S a big hug and said goodbye like normal. I have read so many stories on here, about this behavior, but I still can't believe I am witnessing this in my H. He LEFT me. It's been almost 2 years of "confusion", the things he has said and done.....and he is going to get mad at me for something that didn't even happen!!?? Without even getting the story from me, just going of whatever he heard? Which I have no idea what that was. They really want you to stay right where they left you!

Unbelievable. Truly unbelievable. I am also blown away by how normal and nice he was last night, hanging out with S and I, all with this on his mind, leaving me a note.... kind of creepy. He is extremely passive aggressive, I am going to pay one way or another emotionally. No doubt frown

Tonight I will be doing extra long yoga!


Yup

You realize why he is mad? In his MLC mashed-tater-noggin its not been 20 months ... more like 3 weeks, and you moved .... you were not exactly where he left you ... and worse he gets to, like we all have, chase those ghosts in his mind about all the scenarios of what could be happening and none of them involve what truly happened. I recall my W going bat-cray the night I had dinner with 3 female friends, I do not think I ever DB'd that well .. that night she said something to the extent of "Enjoy your date, nice to know you have that in you for other women" I was shocked at how jealous they are ... yours does not seem to have an OP but even without that they get pretty wicked jealous.

In your case ... I think this was the fist time I have seen the "mystery" card pulled ... to a point he really might actually realize you are moving on where as before .. no threats on the radar.

Time for the popcorn and observe what he does.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2581149 06/23/15 03:19 PM
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I am so sorry that your MIL forgot your son yesterday. It's time to come up w/a different plan about the pick ups for your son. Whether she was having a tiff w/her husband or not, it was inexcusable what she did. How old is she? Is she having health issues, i.e., memory lapses?

As for your h, Cali is right about one thing...you weren't suppose to move from the spot he left you in. Time for them is very slow and it's only been a couple of week since he left, not 2 years. He'll either get over his hissy fit or he'll continue to be an angry man who will develop some health issues along the way. It's truly not your problem. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

Continue moving forward, but I would definitely have a good plan in place for your son's pick ups. She can visit him once he's home or on the weekend, but I have some major concerns w/this latest incident.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2581278 06/23/15 09:05 PM
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Cali, I always forget they are not on the same time table, thank you for the reminder. And oh, ya, I moved from my spot and possibly had a friend over, shame on me! I am so over his fit, it's ridiculous, but I am curious to see how this plays out because H has never been the jealous type. Thing is, I know what I did and didn't do, he can either talk to me about his concerns like an adult, or believe whatever he heard. Which I still don't even know! I am only assuming this is about friend, but I honestly don't know for sure! So, my life goes on like normal smile

Job, I appreciate the concern about Grammy. She is 70 and has been having memory issues for a while. That is exactly why I insist she TM me to confirm pick up. Yesterday I was so happy that I made up that rule, otherwise I would have had no idea she forgot. The hard part is, S loves those days. He really loves her and has fun, I would hate to take that away....but I too am concerned. I will need to think about this one, a way we all win with the outcome, and keep a close watch on her for now.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2581330 06/23/15 10:42 PM
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M ... yeah ... just to prove this ... W recently asked how our dog aged so fast and mentioned that our S all the sudden was like a young man, was not so much what she said .. but the way she said it like she just arrived from a Jupiter trip and there was some strange time warp going on ... I have read it here often but never really SEEN it personally till the past few weeks.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



mleigh4 #2581406 06/24/15 03:02 AM
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That interaction w/ your H was one of those moments when everyone wishes they had the quick wit of a stand up comedian who has had years of experience with hecklers. "Oh that. Jill - have I mentioned that I think I'm a a lesbian although I'm not sure if I always have been or just since you - came over and we were so on fire we couldn't wait to get inside. We really were getting into. We tried using the bottle and I accidentally broke it when I orgasmed. I was too spent to clean it up and figured, nothing like tomorrow." Sometimes you just want to turn the alien bizarro sh*t they say back on them. Or is it just me?

Maybe we should start a things I really wanted to say to my MLC S?


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2581530 06/24/15 02:39 PM
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Cali, really interesting, the time thing. You have mentioned in your posts a few things she has said. I always think about the time H is losing with S, stuff he is missing out on.

Asitis, Great idea about posting things we really want to say! I will start....Grow up and talk to me like an adult and keep your stupid little notes! For the first time in 2 years, I really don't care what you think right now. Oh, and when you hear a rumor that Mleigh met an amazing man who loves S like his own and takes them to do all kinds of fun stuff together, THAT is the rumor to believe! Not that I am shacking up with a felon, who lives with his sister, is on disability and who has more baggage than a bag lady. Pallleeeease!

Ahhh, that felt good smile Anyone else?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2581763 06/25/15 01:35 AM
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Great!

W: I don't feel like I'm breaking my M vows?

Me: I see why you say that, honey. The whole for better or worse and to death do us part are fairly wide open to interpretation now that I think about it.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2581873 06/25/15 02:21 PM
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You know you need a time out when you accuse your lesbian friend of hitting on your H. Ya, I am almost too embarrassed to tell you guys the story, but this site is all about being honest and not judging, so here goes.

S has best friend since kindergarten. His parents are divorced, and mom is in serious relationship, same sex couple. Dad just got remarried. Mom and I are friends, we don't really hang out other than for the boys, but we talk almost on a weekly basis. H has mentioned the last couple of weeks that she has been contacting him, and him going over, to help her fix her air conditioner. I thought it a little strange she never mentioned it to me......but thinking to myself, don't make a big deal. Fast forward to yesterday, she asked if I had S on Saturday to go to water park with her. Aside from the fact S does not like waterslides yet, I told her I don't have him. So she replied that she will see if H wants to go. Now here is where I spin....

I went right back to 2 years ago, when my friend invited H and S to spend her son's bday with them at movies, waterslide, then back to my house for cocktails. Meanwhile I was at work and her husband was away at police academy. I had a bad feeling about it and ended up looking at phone records to find out they continued the day texting into the wee hours while I was asleep. It was a huge blowup which resulted in BD. Bad bad memories and they all flooded back.

So I told her, I would rather she didn't ask H, that S does not like waterside yet. She said too late, she just asked him. So I let her know, there are boundaries when it comes to husband's, whether separated or not. It just came out, the anger, the anxiety, I was shaking. She apologized, agreed on the boundaries, and told H never mind, she forgot about an end of season soccer party she had to go to. I realized what I was doing and let her in on where I was coming from. She assured me, it's not husband's she is into and that I have nothing to worry about.

I beat myself up for a little while, but then I thought, there is no right or wrong here. I am entitled to have my own boundaries and comfort level. Everyone is different and that is ok! I don't think it is ok to text your friends husband without letting her in on it. Call me old fashioned, an old soul, it's just the way I am and I treat my friends with that same respect. And I think these cell phones have gotten way out of control. Not to mention I was burned by 2 people I cared about very much.

Took me to a really bad place.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2581908 06/25/15 03:50 PM
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mleigh

I would love to give you ground-shaking advice ... but I too have issues in this department.

Years ago (10 plus) my W had a friend, typically her friends are guys and I am fine with this .... she has had a hard time making friends (Beautiful so other women get catty ... guys pursue for that 'one' thing) .... all that being said she had a guy friend, I worked a ton, one night I took a Saturday night off, we spent it together wathing movies at the house and this guy calls her at about 9:30 (I would have been gone for about an hour by then normally) I answered her phone knowing it was him (I knew the guy) and it was'nt that he called ... was the time and more so how he was stammering and stuttering like he was hiding something. I let her have it thinking EA and also was very clear to him that a man does not call another mans wife at that time of night on a weekend ... well not unless you wanted a fat lip and a blackened eye (See Cali-Anger issues..lol)

So that ended the friendship (I am still convinced it was borderline EA looking back) and she has still not forgiven me for that one.

Just figured I would blurp that on your thread if nothing else to let you know you are not alone in your 'old school' thinking ... I do believe there are boundaries, and I can relate to 'that really bad place'


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2581914 06/25/15 04:03 PM
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We were friends with a lesbian couple when my kids were young. They were "married" (not legal at that time, but they had a ceremony with pictures and everything) and they had a young son conceived with donor sperm.

Because of their sexual orientation, I felt comfortable when my H would go out rock climbing with one of them - I figured it was just like going out with one of the guys.

But a couple of years later, that same woman left her wife and ended up married to a man. Go figure!

kml #2582184 06/26/15 01:29 AM
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Thank you both for sharing stories, helps me to feel not so crazy! Fact is, my girlfriend was married to a man and had 2 children with him, so obviously......

But no matter of sexual preference, I have boundaries and have learned through this experience to stand behind them. It's how I roll now.

Unfortunately, my experience with my back stabbing friend, who I feel may have had an EA with H, has made me gun shy with new friends. I only knew her for about 3 years. My closest friends I have known for 20 plus years and would trust with my life. These new friends, hhhhmmm, not so sure.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2582191 06/26/15 01:39 AM
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Thoughts on my mind the last few weeks: I am starting to believe I am done with H. I have no desire to see him or talk to him, in fact, I avoid it as much as possible. is that normal?

S and I are in a great place and I want to keep us here for a while longer, but I feel D is on the horizon. I avoid that distraction right now because S and I have worked so hard to get here, I see starting that next year. I just don't see myself with H anymore.

That's some heavy stuff for me, a big change. I don't know if that would change if H showed any interest in working on our M? I can't answer that because we are nowhere near that. All I see now is that we live completely different lives, and I am pretty dang happy with that.

Just thoughts and feelings that have been weighing very heavy on my mind. No decision being made right now, I still plan on riding out the summer and holidays.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2582255 06/26/15 04:58 AM
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I can't stay off here today! Lol.

H just dropped off S. He has an early morning meeting. Anyway, H says "friend" invited him to go to waterslides with her on Saturday. He said he asked S, but S says he doesn't want to go. He said oh well, he will be ready when he is ready. I agreed but left it at that....

??? No mention that she then told him never mind. He made it sound like he had to tell her no. She sent me the text she sent him during my mini break down saying never mind, she had forgotten a previous engagement. Weird.

On the one hand, I appreciate he keeps me informed about his interactions with her. On the other hand, why is he? Just seems out of character for the secretive MLC'er he has become the last couple years.

I was awkward uncomfortable around H tonight, wasn't sure what to expect behavior wise. Back to his normal fake happy self. Although he said bye to S, but not to me.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2582281 06/26/15 10:30 AM
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What you are feeling is very normal for someone who is detached and you aren't having a lot of interaction w/him except when it comes to your son.

As for him advising you that "friend" invited him to go to the waterslides, he wants to keep "mom" abreast of what he's doing. Yeah, it's odd, but because you and your h have a very civil relationship, he feels the need to share some of his life w/you. Also, there is a slight chance that he told you to see if you would open up about your activities as well. There's really no telling what goes through his mind these days.

Your h is displaying some passive aggressive behavior towards you. He's making a point of saying bye to his son, but not to you because "mom" not sharing, so I'll not say bye. Just like a child in many ways.

Continue moving forward and enjoy your weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2582319 06/26/15 02:24 PM
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It's Friday and enjoy my weekend I will do! Job, H is extremely passive aggressive. It's why I never trust his moods or "niceness" I didn't know what passive aggressive was, it was H's own father who told me H grew up in a very passive aggressive environment. He told me to read up on it and it fits H to a T.

Sunday is a perfect example. He was so friendly to my face, then I find that note. Last night, Mr chatty, then doesn't say bye. It is actually a very cruel trait, full of mind games.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2582323 06/26/15 02:31 PM
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Yes, the passive aggressiveness can be very cruel and actually makes you think you are the one that's nuts. My xh was a prime example of the PA behavior. They can't confront you when they are angry or to tell you that they don't want to do something, but they do the roundabout w/the behavior. It is a learned behavior and one that can be overcome w/the proper therapy.

It's not you...it's him.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
mleigh4 #2582519 06/27/15 12:35 AM
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He may not know that you know the whole interaction w/ friend, he may just be looking for some way to engage w/ you over son, he may be trying to provoke a reaction, he may have hopes w/ friend and testing the waters to see if you have any concerns that would interfere w/ getting away w/ pursuing her if she shows interest. I'm sure I can think of other alternatives if I give it a few more minutes. See how silly it is to try to analyze those little exchanges? Esp. w/ an MLC S?

And we'd worry about you if you didn't have some huge doubts about hanging in there w/ H. That's all included in the package your H bought for you all when he succumbed to a MLC. It's a healthy place to be in your sitch, in my view.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2582543 06/27/15 03:17 AM
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Thank you Job, for those last words. For so long, I thought I was an overreacting and angry person. Until I read up on PA and learned that they push buttons just to get that angry reaction to make you feel bad about yourself. To make you express the anger they can't. That is what it is all about, which I am sure you know from your XH. I do hope my H gets help for it, not for me, for himself and whoever his next relationship is with. Might be me, might not.

My good friend recently commented that she remembers a night long ago when she and her husband had a party, and the guys were all involved in this heated conversation. All in good fun, but All were yelling out their opinions and debates. And she noticed my H, just sitting there quietly watching the interaction. That is my H, emotionless and scared to give his opinion. Go with the flow, but against his will and you will pay. Job, it's awful to live with. Was your H emotionless too? Just curious. I would beg my H to fight back with me, get mad, tell me what he thought, and I would get silence. How about you?

Asitis, you are right. Who knows what goes on in my H's head. It would be a waste of time to try to figure it out. I am over it. I know I can't control my friends interaction with H. But I expressed my boundaries, it's all I can do. We are talking about my S's best friends mom, so I won't mess that up, but I do have a choice who I am friends with. We will see how that goes.

S goes with H tomorrow for the night, so I am enjoying my time with him tonight. Tomorrow, I have plans to go over my good friends house to cook and drink wine, our favorite hobbies! Lol. She always boosts me up, so I am looking forward to it after this emotionally draining week.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2582920 06/28/15 11:09 PM
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Had a good weekend. Interaction with H was good at pickup on Saturday, but it is getting increasingly difficult to deal with him.

H came by on Saturday to pick up S. He ended up hanging out for a good hour before he left. We chatted, him mostly about work. Lots of eye contact, I was trying to feel for any vibe about whatever rumor he was told. I didn't sense anything, possible this may have passed? H got up at one point and went in the backyard to walk around, checking out my work. He called dog to get ready to go. I let him know then that the reason I don't like him taking her is because she helps me to feel safe when I am home alone. H said he didn't have to take her if I really didn't want him too. However, they were going swimming, and dog being a lab loves swimming. So I decided to not be selfish, I could survive one night.

I went to my friends house for dinner and had possibly 1 glass of wine too much! But had a really good time with her and her boyfriend.

So today, rested and waited for S to come home. Agreed drop off time is 2. H let me know at about 1 that they would be coming shortly. At 2, H TM that S is taking his sweet time, he is letting him go at his own pace, will leave soon. (This is becoming an ongoing issue with H, no time schedule, just wings pick up and drop off as he feels.) I replied that maybe I am too concerned with getting S to H on time, that I will start doing the same.

And the spew starts. He replied I never seem too concerned. I asked him, are you saying we didn't agree on 2 o'clock drop off on Sundays? H replied, he gave S plenty of time to get ready, he was the one not ready on time, just letting him do it his way like I always do. H told me that S said it's better to be later so he doesn't have to wait as long for his buddy to show up (scheduled buddy over at 3) Then he added that he is tired of having so many rules that I don't have.

I replied back it's a custody agreement that we agreed on. That it is important that we be on the same page because we have many years left to go. I added that if it isn't working for him, to just talk to me about it. I ended with saying no anger here, just seems to be an issue we need to work out.

I got a long long reply that we should figure out a time to talk about some different things we would like and some things we can do to be on the same page about what is best for S. He doesn't think a half hour of leeway for drop off is unreasonable. He hopes we can agree on some sort of structure to raise S so he doesn't end up spoiled and feeling entitled to things. He says he has been reading up on it because he sees signs of it in S and doesn't want him ending up to be like the young guys he works with who want everything without working for it.

Ok, so does anyone else see the humor and irony here? Just within this one hour of text exchange H went from letting S do as he pleases, H feeling he can make his own self-serving schedule to wanting structure for S and not wanting him to be spoiled. With his added in passive aggressive pot shots. I hear H basically not wanting S to be like him! Lol.

So, I stopped there, so done with him for the day. I replied, "and I want the same. Have a good day H"

Shouldn't need to deal with him until Thursday.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2582929 06/28/15 11:59 PM
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I want to add, I am not a tyrant when it comes to our shared custody of S. I agree time leeway is ok, if for a reason like traffic, someone over, or even hey, we want to grab some frozen yogurt real quick. But I am not ok with the reason of S isn't getting ready on time.

I am considering more and more of having something legal drawn up, with dates and times.....I have seen them and it sounds horrible, but I am not sure what else to do other than just dealing with it. Although, something in writing may make no difference to H, he is in his own world.

I suppose I could do all the pick ups and drop offs. Then I wouldn't have to worry about it. So sick of dealing with a teenager H.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2582968 06/29/15 05:18 AM
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Rather than having something legal drawn up, approach it as negotiating w/ H to come up with a written agreement between the two of you. It may be just getting all the understandings in writing so to limit misunderstanding, or it may be something legal. Negotiated, even w/ an erratic MLC, will be more likely complied with than you coming up with something and then trying to get him to sign on.

If you think you need it, find a mediator to help with the process. They aren't just for D agreements, but help clarify the S arrangements to avoid unnecessary conflicts that are harmful to the possibility of saving the M down the road.

Also remember, that there is no one right way. We often get caught up that the way we do things is the right way, and the way our S does things is wrong. There are often strengths and weaknesses to different approaches. H could be a bit more like you, and you might be a bit more like H on this issue (I don't mean the inconsistency, but more flexible). Just an outsiders perspective. That's why a mediator can help. But even wo/ a mediator, see if you can look at it a bit from the other perspective (in this case less rigid schedule).

Also, ask yourself what exactly bothers you about the way H's behavior around pick up and drop off? Is it that he doesn't do things your way, or is it that you don't feel valued or respected because he doesn't notify you when things are running late, or is it that you don't know how to handle unexpected complications and messiness well. See what I'm getting at? Let's say in the future, your H is going to be a half hour late. Do you get pissed because he is late, or view it as an "oh, thank goodness, I got an extra half hour to get X done and won't have that nagging at me while I'm supposed to be enjoying my son!" And, sometimes it is just learning to adapt to the reality of co-parenting: don't make plans that require your H to hit the time target precisely. Plan ahead knowing that you allow an hour leeway. Have something planned to either get done if he is late or fun to do with your S if he is on time. Be creative.

As you've pointed out, you wonder if a written agreement will change the behavior much. OK, so what can you do so that you don't drive yourself crazy, make yourself unhappy given that recognition, or worsen the R in the long term?

And, I lean toward you're way of thinking about schedules, & my W is 'not as good' on the issue, so I have struggled w/ this and had to learn the hard way how to look at it in these different ways if I want to be happy. Interestingly, as I've done so, W has gotten better. This is often the case, and is in the DBing spirit. Why would you keep nagging or getting into the same conflicts over and over if it isn't working? Change yourself first and see how that changes the dance. Adjust as necessary.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2583045 06/29/15 02:58 PM
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mleigh

Ok ... breathe ... lol.

But I totally get it, and the thing that drove me nuts was what was a level 10 of importance on one day was a level 2 later on during the week, they will spin and get all cranked up the silliest things, but watch ... give this a week and I bet H makes more of an effort to be on time. Remember you are 'Mom' right now, he just threw a little fit on your boundary and tested it .... you held, calm, did not allow him to press a button, things will calm and level out.

I do like the fact you think about it, like the dog issue, but .... again ... H got his way there, and that's ok, this crisis is filled with so many 'pick your battles' moments and I think you were wise there to give in on one day, showing H you are in fact not a tyrant ... it will help later down the road.

Hang in there M, you have it all together and your H has a head full of scrambled eggs going on, be patient.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2583056 06/29/15 03:33 PM
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mleigh,
Cali is correct in the fact that you are "mom" right now to his "child". You will learn as you travel the path to choose your battles. You may have over loaded his brain w/schedules and then the dog issue this weekend. It's okay. Next week, things may be totally different w/him and he will have digested what you pointed out.

You have your head screwed on right and you do think things through. Your h, on the other hand, has a lot of wires misfiring these days and it's going to take a lot of patience to deal w/him...but you can gently set your boundaries, one by one and things will be better.

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2583330 06/30/15 02:49 AM
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Great advise from you guys, thank you.

Asitis, thank you for calling me out enough to look at this differently. I work in escrow, my life revolves around schedules and doing what you say you are going to do. Mistakes are not allowed! I tend to live my personal life the same. I have high expectations, not only of others, but of myself. H is and always has been bad with time management. Everything takes him longer than he thinks it will. Knowing this, it only makes sense for me to lighten up on the schedule. Give an hour leeway, in my head, and I shouldn't be disappointed. I have seen written up custody schedules and prefer for us to be a little more laid back on this. And even better, I can control and change this!

Another thing I thought about was the fact that S doesn't seem to be in a big hurry to leave dad's and get back home, and that is a huge change that I fully want to support. H and S have struggled in their relationship. If things are getting better, time for me to lovingly step back.

Cali and Job, I am so tired of feeling like his mom. It truly is giving me some great practice for my son. I am Learning to not take the bait when he lashes out, and it feels great!

H has become completely obsessed with his job, it runs his life. He works days, nights, weekends. Just the fact he would compare our 8 year old son to his co-workers, it just doesn't make sense to me. I want to tell H, stop worrying! When he is with son, that is his time to just relax and have fun! He is missing so much day to day in his life, S is going to be grown up and gone before he knows it. I want to tell H, I PROMISE, S will not be a slacker, we will not let that happen!

Maybe someday we can have that conversation.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2583371 06/30/15 11:14 AM
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mleigh,
Your h's drug of choice right now is work. Some become workaholics and it does sound like your h is walking that path.

Take whatever your h says w/a grain of salt. You know your son the best...your son may not be the one that is dragging his feet to come home. However, if he is, step back a bit and give them the time and space a bit.

Give yourself a break. Sometimes you are too hard on yourself. It's not easy walking the MLC path and there isn't a right or wrong way to deal w/it. It's a trial by error type of situation and you'll learn as you go to choose your battles.

So, what's on your agenda for the holiday weekend?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2583407 06/30/15 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted By: job
Give yourself a break. Sometimes you are too hard on yourself. It's not easy walking the MLC path and there isn't a right or wrong way to deal w/it. It's a trial by error type of situation and you'll learn as you go to choose your battles.


Well said, job! It's very true, m. When you start thinking long-term when it comes to addressing things and dealing with issues, it helps put things in perspective. It's not just a right here, right now gig. It's a long haul...

I think you are doing well!

Mighty #2583738 07/01/15 04:22 AM
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Read a good quote today:

Though nobody can go back and make a new beginning.. Anyone can start over and make a new ending.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2583851 07/01/15 04:38 PM
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mleigh

Yeah .. as usual job is spot on, do not take this wrong but the fact your H seems to pour himself into work vs an OW I feel is somewhat unique here. You have been at this a bit, and I know its hard ... I guess I have just read so many sitches here that what .. 90% have a OP/A going on, not that its any better .. just a different twist in your sitch.

Love that quote .. have seen it before.

I do think your H is working on the R with your S ... its a good thing, we have seen others just run from that.

Not much to add ... you as always seem to handle these things with such strength and confidence... its an admirable trait you have and I do pray your H wakes up and realizes what a prize he has in you.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2584073 07/02/15 03:33 AM
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I do agree, work has become H's focus and escape. He seems to put all his time and energy into it. At least as far as I know based on my limited conversations with him. I have no idea what he does in his spare time, he could have OW for all I know.....just seems it would have come out by now.

Of course, I would much prefer he be a workaholic over having OW, my heart hurts for what so many of you have to deal with when it comes to facing an A. But sometimes when I let my brain start thinking about this and taking this all in....this would mean he really did leave home, family, break us apart, just to be alone? He told me, he just wanted to be alone. So, I see a man who just couldn't handle the every day pressures of wife, child and work. So, he dropped me, took on child part time, and puts everything he has into his job. That ticks me off, and hurts too.

MLC or big fat baby wimp? Sometimes I'm not so sure. Ok ok practice compassion, patience and grace... Either way, my plan is to come out of this a better person smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2584142 07/02/15 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4

MLC or big fat baby wimp? Sometimes I'm not so sure. Ok ok practice compassion, patience and grace... Either way, my plan is to come out of this a better person smile


Lol that made me laugh ... I have often thought about this too ... in a way giving them the MLC card almost feels like they get passes to be whack-jobs ... I know its not the case, and I also question my own sanity knowing a normal person would have cut anchor long ago.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I did good tonight with leeway and patience! Tonight H offered to pick up S instead of me dropping off. He was going to be in the area fixing someone's AC. Well, as expected, he got stuck in traffic and ended up over 2 hours later than planned. No worries for me, bonus time with S.

While here, I went over the plan for tomorrow. We both are off work, so I thought it fair we split the day with S. (S not so happy, wanted to come home in the morning) H and I discussed and decided on 3. He was a little wishy washy about it, so I will plan on picking S up at that time to avoid drama.

H asked what S and I were doing for the 4th. I told him, going to see the fireworks! (Duh. I am a 45 year old kid!) So he asked where? I said either my town or his town, they both have good shows.......and just smiled......wait for it......lol......He asked, can I come? I said, of course! I added, in fact, I am going to bbq some ribs if you want to eat with us before? His face lit up, said he would bring some smoking chips for the bbq so I can try it. AAAHHH, it's so nice when it is THEIR idea, you know? I was holding out for that.....

So that is the plan. You know me and plans. I will keep my expectations at zero and hope for the best. It has been quite a while since we have all spent any time together. I am hoping we can relax and enjoy it. He seems so stressed out all the time, kind of a downer....we shall see.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2584455 07/03/15 12:33 PM
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You did great! You and your son will enjoy having "dad" there for the bbq and the fireworks. I do hope you have a great time and the weather cooperates. I think your will enjoy the time w/you and your son.

Enjoy the holiday and keep your expectations very low for now.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hello, hope you all had a Happy 4th!

So just updating...

Thursday night H had S. Got a TM about 10:30 that night, a video from a couple of years ago of son singing and dancing like Axel Rose. He labeled it, an oldie but a goodie. This time, I didn't think.....awww he's thinking of me! Didn't read anything into it at all.

On Friday, H and I had agreed to 3 o'clock drop off. At 2, H sent me a TM that they were just eating lunch, then wanted to get frozen yogurt. He acknowledged that it was getting late (close to 3) and asked if I wanted to join them. We had agreed to meet up, but decided it was too hot to leave dog in truck, so instead H stopped by my house to drop off dog real quick first. He opened the front door, let dog in, and said we will meet you there! Door closed and off they went. I thought to myself, would it be too much to all drive together? I swear, I grumbled to myself that I am so happy I don't have to deal with you everyday you A** I almost didn't go, for just a split second. Decided I am Not going to let S down because of his father's rude behavior. On my way, got a TM from H saying sorry, he didn't want S to fry in the truck. Well, at least he acknowledged it...

So I showed up, smile on my face, had our frozen yogurt, and S and I came home.

Yesterday was the 4th. S and I planned our port activities for our cruise. It's only 2 weeks away! Then we cooled off in our mini pool, (the hot tub) Got a text from friend (that had stayed over, possibly setting off rumors to H) asking what my plans were for the day. I haven't heard from him since he gave me attitude at the graduation party. Anyway, I answered that H was coming over to bbq and watch fireworks. As far as I am concerned, I want him to think H is over a lot! He responded that he was happy to hear we were spending the holiday together as a family. I told him thank you and wished him a fun day.

H came over about 6. He stopped by real quick to drop off the smoking chips for the bbq, then was going down the street to buy some fireworks. He asked S to go, but S didn't feel like going with him. H got upset, had a little huffing and puffing tantrum, and stormed out to get fireworks. I looked at S, he looked upset. I thought, H was here 5 minutes and filled the house with his bad energy and drama. I wish S had gone with H, but they just don't have that relationship, not mine to fix.

So I decided H was not going to ruin the fun day we were having. I put some music on, gave S a big hug and got our party started. When H came back, S was a bit more excited, asked H what he got. They then went right outside to try some out. Whew! H's mood got much better. Next thing I knew, powder and garbage was all over my backyard oasis, but I let it go! I cooked up our meal while they played. We all ate outside and had some great conversations and laughs, was very relaxing. We finished off our fireworks and watched the local show, we can see it from the house. It was fun. H spent a lot of time on the phone, but only seemed to be looking things up, and taking pictures and videos. He explained what he was doing every time he went on his phone, not sure if that was for me.

He left about 10:30. He gave S and dog big hugs, then came over to give me one, which he rarely does. He was jumpy and nervous, I calmly and slowly hugged him, held it for a couple of seconds, gave him a squeeze while I thanked him for the firework show and let him go.

After 15 years, I have no idea what is going on in his head. I really can't tell where he is at. The only thing that stood out to me was that he called his place "the rental house" instead of home. I really tried to just focus on enjoying the family time. It went better than I expected.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2585012 07/05/15 10:46 PM
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Mleigh,

I tried to post this earlier and lost it.

I think you are handling your sitch with such grace. You seem to have found the delicate balance between kindness and some firm boundaries. Mainly, I'm inspired by your ability to handle his antics without taking it personally.

Much love,

Heather


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2585039 07/06/15 12:58 AM
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Thank you Heather, your kind words mean so much. I am a very sensitive person, but thanks to you guys here, I have built up my self confidence and truly know I deserve better than the man H is right now. I am Learning to let his behavior not get to me.

At one point, he was looking up how to make homemade "snake" fireworks. He came running into the house asking for baking soda and powdered sugar, while I am trying to pull our dinner together. I asked him, you just bought a huge pack of fireworks and you want to make your own?? He said, I just want to try it. Being someone with anxiety issues as I am, he DOES NOT help! Truly teenage behavior. But I sucked it up, held son back away with me, and prayed he wasn't going to blow us all up. But based on the ingredients, I stayed calm and logical....

Ya, he can be a real handful sometimes....


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2585199 07/06/15 06:30 PM
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mleigh

Sorry .. I giggle sometimes thinking about you shaking your head at your H, he truly has that teenage-wolf MLC thing going ... like when GB talks about her H wearing superhero T shirts (I have them too, but shhh... that is between you and I)

You sound well despite all this, silver lining .. your H spent the holiday with you and S, even if he is a bit whack-a-doo .. he was there and was a positive experience for him from the sounds of it. I envy your ability to stay detached from it personally .. I get sucked in so dang hard and fast it irks me.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2585313 07/06/15 09:10 PM
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Hi Caliguy.

You know, all men SHOULD have some little boy in them. It brings fun, right? It's one of the things I love about H, despite the anxiety it brings on. Yes, I shake my head, but it is usually while smiling!

And I agree, it was great to have us celebrate as a family. I think it means a lot to all 3 of us. It started rocky, and I was a actually a little bit nervous at first. I couldn't decide what to wear, not too dressy but not too casual....I even curled my hair. We ended up having fun, and for the first time in a long time he took pics of son and I together, not just son alone.

I do however stay very detached. I take it for the moment and don't read into what he says or does. Zero expectations, it's truly a blessing to be in this place after so long!

Hang in there Cali, you are in a more difficult spot with W right now. Mine is easy right now....I know you will find your peace again.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2585979 07/08/15 03:48 PM
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WOW!

H just texted asking if he can join S and I on the cruise. He said he needs a vacation, but understands if I don't want him to go......


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2585997 07/08/15 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4
WOW!

H just texted asking if he can join S and I on the cruise. He said he needs a vacation, but understands if I don't want him to go......


So ... what are your thoughts on this?


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2586007 07/08/15 04:39 PM
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Whoa.

Will it put a damper on your vacation?


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
mleigh4 #2586073 07/08/15 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4
Hi Caliguy.

You know, all men SHOULD have some little boy in them. It brings fun, right? It's one of the things I love about H, despite the anxiety it brings on. Yes, I shake my head, but it is usually while smiling!



Yes, but there is a huge difference between child-like and childish.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
mleigh4 #2586093 07/08/15 08:20 PM
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Now, that's interesting. Of course, on the cruise there are so many activities that you don't have to be around each other unless you want to be. It would be a great way for your son to bond w/his father...but do you really want him to tag along and stay in the same cabin w/you? Of course, he could very well sleep out on the deck in a deck chair. LOL!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2586104 07/08/15 08:59 PM
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Omg you guys,my head is spinning. I am at work and can't focus, but real quick, I told him yes because I had offered when I first booked this. So, I am thinking we should have our own rooms and have been pushing that politely. He is calling and trying to upgrade us into a grand suite so we can all be together. He has been haggling with this all morning. I am confused and not really sure what to do, but just going with it and letting it play out. The price would be less than getting 2 rooms, and hello, SUITE!, but I don't know, not real keen on this idea.......

Will fill you in later


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2586112 07/08/15 09:16 PM
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Ohhhh....I would love to be a fly on the wall in that suite.

Life is full of surprises, isn't it?

Wonka #2586116 07/08/15 09:31 PM
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Wonka,
I think we all would like to be flies on that wall!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2586221 07/09/15 12:50 AM
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M4

A suite would be very very nice. BUT think long and hard on this offer, and how it will affect YOU.

Can you handle being in a suite with H and the feelings it might bring up in you.

If you can handle it, then go for it and see how it plays out. You are still in the same house, but I think separate rooms? But I know for me vacations bring out something else, I'm relax and IF my man would be there, I would want it to be all about LOVE.

I'm hoping my H chooses to go on our cruise next year, but also hoping by then things will be better or totally over (of course then I would not want him to go) But the way things are today, I would not want my H to join us, too much stress, too many feelings etc.

I actually invited by H again today, only because my friends H has now decided to go and I did not want H to hear about that from someone else...

AND make sure you have back up plans in case your H, decides at last minute to not go, don't want you and and son to then miss out.

I will be staying tuned to see what you decide, but please put on your BIG girl panties either way.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
mleigh4 #2586285 07/09/15 02:31 AM
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Ask him to check if they have any fold out cots like in hotels, as you wouldn't want him to have to sleep on the floor just to save some money. laugh


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2586305 07/09/15 03:37 AM
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Lol. Thank you all for your advice and comments! I am still wrapping my head around this, totally came out of left field....however, it changes nothing for me. I have no expectations and plan on spending this cruise with S doing our own thing as planned. He can hang with us or do his own thing, I am fine either way. I will NOT let him put any kind of damper on our trip, I feel strong enough and detached enough to do that.

Thank goodness, the suite plan did not work out. I was not feeling that idea really. I mean, we have been separated for 2 years, H has been moved out of the house for 5 months, and we would all of a sudden be sharing a room for 4 nights? Did not sound like a good idea and was quite surprised he was pushing that! I felt the need to have an escape if needed. I did not say any of that to H, I let it play itself out and glad I did, I had the feeling it would. He got a room on the deck above us.

I told S, and being the sweetheart he is, he is worried daddy will be lonely in his room alone. I assured him we will spend time together and that he can spend as much time with daddy as he wants. Clubbing and dancing anyone??? Lol wink

It's been an interesting day. I am hoping for fun, relaxation and some serious friendship building between H and I on this trip. It is still sinking in with me.....


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2586337 07/09/15 07:38 AM
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M4 - I am just getting caught up on back posts and can relate some of the issues you are faced with - mostly the "mom" -- "child" issue. It is interesting to watch how they seek your approval and don't want things to change.

Enjoy your cruise, just remember he will be bringing his MLC on vacation with you. Seems like 2 rooms are a better answer for everyone.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

dejavu2 #2586372 07/09/15 12:13 PM
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I'm glad things worked out for you and he's now going to have his own space. It will be interesting to see how his MLC plays out on the ship. No matter what transpires, I do hope that you and your son enjoy your time away.

BTW, you need to start a new thread. This one will lock soon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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