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LoisB #2574362 06/02/15 03:54 AM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Ya, I do honestly know he is not being insensitive on purpose. I do get that. I like thinking "wackadoo" Fits perfect!

I have not responded and don't think I will. A happy face, or "cute", doesn't fit what I think and I will only be real. But dang it, a random text, that part is nice. Means I am on his mind, even for a blip.

It's one of those DB moments for me....do I respond....do I not...which is the right thing to do? And how? I thought I was past that. Well, my main focus right now is STFU, it's the biggest change I see I need to make in myself lately. So, I think I will do just that and let it all go.

I think this calls for some yoga time.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2574440 06/02/15 02:19 PM
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Yeah I used to get those a few times from W, I honestly think its what I call a string tactic by our confused MLCrs .... by that I mean for whatever reason they need to tug on a string to make sure they are still connected to us, there seems to be many strings.... so they tug just to make sure we are still there. Over time with me detaching .. like you I would go from "Awww she thought of me and texted me" ... to "WTF ... does she realize this was all her choice?" So like you I stopped replying to every string tug ... and the Push/Pull Distancer dance continued ... and still does.

I think its just part of this M, nothing to do with us ... we are the rocks, the lighthouse, they drift so far away sometime it seems they need comfort in knowing we can still see them.

Just my thoughts on this.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2574565 06/02/15 09:10 PM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Thanks Cali. Ya, I see your point and agree. This is how I see it:

H woke up one day and realized he wasn't sure who he was anymore, what he wanted, or even what he felt. So he decided to go on an adventure, to figure this out. I was told all this and to just stay put, because he may or may not come back. This may or may not be the right thing for him. He is thinking, just stay right there. And every once in a while, he will check to see if I have. Kind of like my son does when we go places and I tell him, go play, I will be right here.

It's all up to me. There is no right or wrong in respond or don't respond. It has to be what feels right for me at that moment. I could always just get tired of it all, pick up the phone, and file for divorce. But is that what I want?, no. In reality, I would not be living my life any differently than I am.

But I do get this feeling, he is not truly experiencing what it would be like to lose me. I am feeling this need to pull back more, be dimmer. Another rock for me to turn, for myself. Because I need to know I tried everything.



Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2574571 06/02/15 09:23 PM
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Very wise thinking, my dear. He definitely is on an adventure and he wants to show you, mom, what his new place looks like now. He's not thinking like an adult, but he's very proud of himself and his new "camping site".

He's going to be checking in periodically to see if you are right where he left you and will go into a bit of a panic mode if you aren't, i.e., like the beer bottles getting broken in the driveway. He just knew you had had a party or someone over and it got wild and out of hand. He doesn't want "mom" to move one inch w/o him knowing about it. He's like a toddler learning to walk and wants to try his hand at it first and when mom goes around the corner, he panics because mom isn't in his sight just in case he starts to fall.

You are still readily available to him and he's truly not experiencing this "all by himself" and being truly "independent" because you are still there a large majority of the time. You may have to go a bit dimmer w/him for a bit for him to start feeling the loss of you, "mom".

You've got this!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2574577 06/02/15 09:39 PM
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M and job ... I completely agree.

As much as we 'stand' for our MLC'rs there does seem to be a point when we know in our hearts that ... like M said .. We are living as we would regardless of D, or the current set up. I do think the MLCr has to realize some sort of time frame, seems the years feel like weeks/months to them, and maybe feel like 5 years to us. But unless they feel us actually moving on I truly feel like limbo will last longer, things will not progress, they will continue to just 'be' and not really go and do the work they need to.

So yeah M, dimmer and darker I would agree with .... I said before its a shame this plays out like a game at times .. but it just seems to.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2574624 06/03/15 12:48 AM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Thank you Job. I know you have seen it all so to get your nod of approval really helps. It is strange that you said he is proud of his place, because that is exactly how that pic came off to me and what irked me so much. How could he be proud of a move that has hurt so many people? Simple wackadoo smile

Cali, it so feels like a game sometimes, but it feels better as time goes along to feel more in control of MY next move. I feel like H is fine and dandy with this current arrangement, and fear just like you said, limbo land will drag on and on. Some of his actions and comments lately have confirmed that he is still very scrambled!

I was recently reminded in a post I read that MLC usually lasts 3 to 5 years. I am not even at 2 yet and I have no doubt there is a long way to go. I don't think he has even begun looking at himself yet. My thinking is that I will continue to ride out this year as is, through the holidays and all that. Just that thinking takes some pressure off myself. Come next year, I will reevaluate where I stand. In the meantime, I will give dimmer a try.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2574625 06/03/15 12:56 AM
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M, wow, some really great posts here. Job and Cali have great insight on this. And, m, I agree with the attempt or assumption of lbs staying put. I know xh was def counting on that option when he left... And then some. Even said he may come back.

Anyway, keep in mind, mlc does not start at bd. It was already in the works before then, so your h has prob been over 2 years, I'd think. Bd is when it starts for the lbs.

It can be disheartening, however, to watch and see no progress. I think some keep progress hidden for awhile. However.... It is a loooong road. I spent too much time looking for little things, and there were many, but at the end of the day, big changes need to happen for it to make a difference.

You'll be good, m. Hopefully, by the time the holidays come around, you will be strong enough to just enjoy them, wherever YOU are on the road.

Mighty #2575389 06/05/15 04:14 AM
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Thank you Mighty for the reminder that MLC happens before BD. When I think back, I see about 9 months pre BD when H started to withdraw. At the time, I had no idea what was coming ahead!

I am feeling good, back to high PMA. It's interesting. I feel like I am moving quickly, changing and growing. And it seems H is in the same spot as BD, except a bit happier. Sad to say. Is his happiness for real? It hurts sometimes. I guess time will tell. Every time I interact with him, he seems to be a happy camper.

So not much new. Friend has texted a couple of times asking about another movie night. Sigh. I hope I didn't make a mistake. I am no way ready for any type of pursuing. I thought I made myself clear with friend, I don't want to lead anyone on. I told him I will let him know, but I don't know if we can hang out without him wanting more.

So don't laugh, but I have been wanting to fill up the empty walls in the garage from where H took his stuff. So I ordered some posters. Kurt Cobain and Chili Peppers. Lol, why not some hot guys, right? Um, who is going through the MLC? Funny thing is, when I was ordering them online, it had a special note to make sure you input your dorm room number! Ha, no, just a 45 year old woman wanting pics of cute guys in her garage! Well, my 50 year old co-worker says she wants to come over and have a beer in the garage while ogling the pics. I said ya, then we can throw our bottles across the driveway! Lol

I have been dark with H, no contact. Dropped off S at his place tonight. He TM he was home and not to speed on his street because there is as a cop hiding out. I didn't respond anything but "on our way". At drop off, while getting S and his stuff out of truck, H came out and his neighbor was talking really loud to someone. Complaining about something. H just looked at me, rolled his eyes and sighed. Must be an ongoing issue? I didn't say a word, completely ignored it, grabbed S's stuff, gave S a hug and kiss bye, and told H bye. Oh, and I added to H that he could just put S's iPad and doggie (he sleeps with) in his backpack instead of having to drop it off at my house. Ya, I said my house, just um came out....?

Some paradise he has there.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2577583 06/12/15 04:27 AM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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It has been a BUSY week!

Last weekend I went to a grad party. Had a nice time. Friend was there as we hang in the same circle. After getting nowhere with requests to come back over to my place to watch movies, he had texted Saturday morning a picture of a repair kit to fix my screen door lock that had broke. That creeped me out and I did not respond. He had an attitude with me at the party, something to the effect of saying what am I going to do, have my husband fix it? not nice, keeping my distance from him. He is starting to weird me out.

I put together my new canopy for my backyard all by myself! I really felt the need to do this without H's help, and I did. I only needed to call my cousin to help connect the top to the frame, but that was it. Super proud of myself and it looks beautiful.

Landscapers came Monday and Tuesday to complete my rock garden project. It looks great! I also cleaned and filled my hot tub, which S and I don't heat and use as a mini pool in the summer. My yard is ready for some bbq parties!

Monday we had record temps here in Gilroy, 109 degrees! About 15 minutes after I got home from work, the power went out and was estimated to be out all night. I decided to walk to a nearby favorite restaurant to treat myself to dinner and a cocktail. I had planned on going alone, but ended up texting my cousin to see if he wanted to join, which he did. The place was packed with people escaping the power outage. In fact, I ended up meeting my new next door neighbor who moved in about 2 months ago. We totally hit it off and ended up eating all together. She is married, military, same sex couple, with 10 year and 13 year old daughters. They love to bbq, hike and go wine tasting. (All my favorites) And they have a pool table! I didn't have my son that night, so they came over the next night for the kids to meet and they too hit it off too. So I am super excited about this, fun times for the summer!

Monday night, H took S and dog for his night. He ended up being too tired to bring dog home Tuesday night and stalled Wed night. It just annoys me. I want your opinion on this. I don't like dog going back and forth. This is her home and she helps me to feel safe. H decided to leave, I feel he has called so many of the shots and I am so tired of him getting his way. I gave him the name of a lab rescue. Tonight he is already asking to have her Saturday night with son. Shouldn't this be his problem? Not ours? I go back and forth with myself on this. Shared custody for our dog, really!??


Issue came up with H and Grammy changing her day to have S this week, and of course nobody told me. I found out when S realized he was going to miss an end of school party because of it. I was pretty ticked, but sat on it for the day and prayed for a way to resolve this in a peaceful way. That night, I confirmed with S that he wanted to do this party instead of Grammy day, and he said yes. So I sent a text to H and Grammy, basically saying that I understand arrangements were made to have Grammy pick up S instead of me, which I was not made aware of, but that S wanted to attend an after school party and that I would be picking him up after work as usual. I added to Grammy to please call me when she had time to discuss our schedule. She called that night and it went well. According to her, H was supposed to let me know. I let her know that I pick up S daily, except for her Grammy day, and to please make arrangements through me and H, not just H. I was firm, but in a calm friendly way. Not a single bad thing about H came out of my mouth.

I am starting to believe in prayer for guidance. It has been very helpful to me lately smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2577584 06/12/15 04:31 AM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Oh, one last thing to add. When H brought dog home last night, he saw the landscaping and the canopy, but didn't say one word about it. He was originally supposed to help me with the canopy in return for ribs, but I decided to try on my own. And I had sent him a pic of the yard the night before, which he responded saying it looked great. But I thought it strange that he made no comment when here.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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