Looking inside

[mleigh4]

"All in you" by Iration

If you want to learn you got to try
You got to get it wrong to get it right
You're searching for the truth but finding lies
When all you got to do is look inside you

It's all in you

You want to be a star you got to shine
And use your own light when you need a guide
You keep getting lost following signs
When everything you need is right inside you

[mleigh4]

I still, after all this time, don't know how to carry over my last thread or do quotes. If anyone can teach me, would be great?

Thanks for your validation Cali. Sometimes you just need that, you know? Thing is, my issues with MIL and H go so much deeper than a stupid haircut. I always kept my mouth shut with her. When I talked to H about her, I would just get a shoulder shrug. I have spent years thinking I was making much ado about nothing, but I am seeing clearer these days. It's time to hold my ground with her and I feel strong and confident in myself to be able to do so.

I am feeling as if I am approaching a new phase in my journey. I am getting better at setting boundaries with H calmly. I also have learned to let the little things go. I choose my battles with him, for my own peace.

I am feeling extremely detached in that I have no desire to talk to, see or spend time with H. Things come up, and it crosses my mind to invite him, then I think, I really don't want him around. If he disappeared, except for the abandonment effects on my son, I would be very happy. I truly don't care what he is doing or what is going on with him. I am just.....cold and numb.

It scares me a bit, the way I have been feeling. I have that fear, that this could be it for me, have I truly given up? Part of me just can't take that last step, to truly and fully let go. So my rope has turned into a tiny string, maybe even dental floss. And I worry, how could I possibly keep a paved path home when I feel so cold? However, these feelings are towards this new person he has become, not my old H....so I suppose if he decided to peek out....could be different for me.

I feel it's time to start playing divorced. Time for H to really experience the loss of what he has left. Not for any reason other than how I am feeling. I feel divorced. I am living a completely different life than H. The only connection we have is S. I guess I expected to feel "friendly and open" for a bit longer, but it's just not there. Part of the process I suppose.

I continue to live laugh and love, no bitterness here. I love everything around me to the fullest, I am so happy this experience hasn't ruined that. I am now not only still keeping an eye on that mirror, but also doing some real soul searching and looking inside. I keep digging, things are getting clearer and I am starting to really see my real self. There is good and bad, the first step is to see it, the 2nd is to work on those things I want to change.

All in all, this experience has been an amazing path to myself. My true self. After 45 years I am finally finding my true self.

[CaliGuy]

mleigh

Diggin the new title, and if one can step back ... forget about the pain and destruction for a minute and look at the series of changes the LBS is forced to make with all this MLC stuff thrown at us ... you can really appreciate the growth process can you not?

You have done this all with grace, become stronger, independent ... and like you said .. starting to find your true self. I think in my case I was comfortable, going through the motions ... and thinking about it now, THAT was not living .. what I am doing now .. sure I would prefer things to be better but I am actually living, enjoying the small things, things I overlooked and took for granted.

As much as I would never wish MLC on anyones family, as much pain and hurt it caused ... pain I still must deal with .. I can at this point appreciate the fact it gave me MY life back, a second chance to stop just going through the motions, to start living again ... I realized over the weekend colors of birds during the hike I took, the greens in the trees were brighter and more vibrant.

I know you will be better after this .. because ... I see you already are.

[mleigh4]

Yes Cali yes!! I was nodding my head reading your post. It is like I got MY life back, you are spot on. I was like a robot, going through the daily routine and not really enjoying it. I have now an appreciation for the little things and have put more time and focus on fun and relaxation, and not so much on what needs to be done. I think my son has also gotten a better mom out of this. Somehow, with all I have gone through, and still am, I am happier and more grounded than I have been in years.

So after my rant above about not feeling friendly towards H anymore.....H came by to drop off dog last night. I actually think my comment to him, that S and I have been through enough, he doesn't need to take the dog too, may have actually sunk in! We will see.

Anyway, H came in about 6:30, still dressed for work. He seemed happy as a clam (are clams really happy?) that he had to go back to a job he was working. He mentioned he was really happy to be working outside. Since he was promoted, he is inside in meetings all day. So he has definitely become a workaholic. It's all he talks about and seems to be doing all the time.

As he was running out, I handed him a kit Kat candy, said to hold him over until dinner. He texted a few minutes later saying thank you, yummy. I replied welcome. He then let me know he turned in son's raffle ticket sales for his school. I replied a big thank you for handling it. He went on to say he even filled out son's raffle ticket. I replied great job! Lol. You guys are not kidding when you say they are desperate for approval and praise. He ate it up.

But I stopped myself, told myself no more, we are "divorced" now remember!? Oh well, I went with how I felt, being true to myself. He sucked me back in for a minute there.

[RAI]

Mleigh4,

awesome lyrics. I'm going to add it to the DB songbook in my thread.

If you like "all in you", you will love ericmsant2's "the star is inside you" post. if you haven't read it, you should. One of the best posts on this site, IMHO.

Best,

RAI

[mleigh4]

RAI I am glad you liked the lyrics! I actually typed them up and have them on my fridge. I too have a folder of inspiring posts or quotes, and yes, I too have the Star is inside you. I find that kind is stuff so helpful when I am feeling down.

Thanks for stopping by

[mleigh4]

Interesting interaction last night. It was H's night with son, so I headed to grocery store after work. When I got in my truck, I noticed a missed call and message from H, did I get his text? I didn't, so I called him and once again he had a last minute early meeting, can he bring son home tonight? I see this as bonus time with S, so I always say ok. But H went on and on about the reason for the meeting and what is happening with a guy at his work.....chatty catty....

So about 8 he TM"s that they are running behind. About 9:30 he arrives with S. Well, when I had gotten home after shopping, my 6 pack of corona"s had tipped over and 2 fell out and broke in our driveway:( So H apparently came across a piece of the bottle, cap still intact. I opened the door to let them in and he barks out, what is this? What kind of ruckus went on out here? He had such a look on his face, like a mix of anger, bewilderment and disgust, that I started laughing. I didn't give any explanation, so he said, so what happened!?

I explained what happened, meanwhile, my phone is beeping like crazy. My girlfriend texting me about our plans this weekend. So I could see steam coming from his head, lots of thinking going on. I mean really, what was in his mind? What did he think happened? It it was a great example of how things so innocent could look so bad. I kind of enjoyed that he actually showe some......concern....or jealousy....not sure really what it was but I saw a sign that he still cares. I won't lie, it felt good.

His mom gave S some trinkets from her Hawaii trip, H brought them to my place. Any ideas why H always brings gifts to S here instead of keeping them at his place? That always confuses me.

[CaliGuy]

mleigh
I smiled reading this ... because yeah as total alien as they are and as detached as they seem to be small things seem to snap them down to earth and they become really nuts ... its like "Ok I am going to go do my own thing for a bit .. you LBS , you sit here on the shelf where I put you.. do not move m'kay ? And when we move or are not in that spot it flips them out.

So don't lie .. you had some ChippenDale dancers over for that rager you hosted the other night ... strippers and coke for all right? .. Bwahahaha

[job]

I about died laughing at his questioning you about what went on at your place. You should have said that you had a wild party on the driveway last night and shot some fireworks off the celebrate that Friday was just around the corner.

They want independence and be away from you "mom", but your man/child is the first one to a bit testy when he "assumed" something else had gone on. So very typical of them.

Gotta laugh!

[mleigh4]

And who says "ruckus" anymore? That made me laugh more than anything, just struck me as funny You got me Cali! But actually they were firemen, big party!!!

Ya Job, he seems a little more concerned about the going on's here lately. Especially knowing his own buddies are hanging at his house. I know the feeling, experienced it when I moved out, it was horrible!

So he TM this afternoon asking how S was, he scraped his knee up pretty bad at school yesterday. I put my phone down and let it sit, didn't respond. Time to switch things up, I always respond right away but just didn't feel like it, it wasn't urgent....45 minutes later, he TM asking if he could call son. To that I replied yep.

Happy Friday everyone! Time to get ready for my firemen again!