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Well, W slept in the guest room again last night. I haven't made clear that this is intended to go on as long as she has not ended contact with OM, but I suspect she intends to make it permanent. Hard night, fitful sleep. Still doubting if I'm making the right choices. Maybe I'll hit the gym with a little more vigor this morning. I still haven't said I won't be going to her parents' this weekend. With the sleeping situation and with my need to GAL, increasingly it seems the right choice for me to stay.


M30 W32
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BD 10/06/14 Took off her ring
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Missing the trip will be unfortunate, it is sad that will have to be that way if you chose to go that route.

There will be many more choices you will have to make before this is all over, that you may not like but will need to do.


M - 40's
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
PS

What are the finances right now? Meaning, what leverage do you really have with her?

IF you are the breadwinner and paying her cell bill AND she's texting OMs,

that phone bill has to be paid by her from now on. Not by you.

That's just an idea I'm throwing out to give you an example of a consequence. Yes it sounds parental and that's tragic. (NOT attractive....)

But if she's acting like a child, maybe it's needed.

I intended to respond to this last night but forgot. I am not the sole (or even major) breadwinner. We are both engineers but she makes $90K+ to my $68K. So control of the purse strings is not going to be an option. We have a single checking account/credit card account/savings account anyway and I don't want to deal with splitting things up yet.


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BD 10/06/14 Took off her ring
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Originally Posted By: Zephyr
Missing the trip will be unfortunate, it is sad that will have to be that way if you chose to go that route.

There will be many more choices you will have to make before this is all over, that you may not like but will need to do.


Thanks Zephyr, I love to see the kids playing there and I have spoken with my MIL and FIL about our situation (and my W knows that I have spoken to them) and they are very supportive of me, but right now I think I need to not be there. I do have two things I want to go and do lined up, so hopefully those will be worthwhile.


M30 W32
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BD 10/06/14 Took off her ring
Still living together
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Brief update: I spoke with my W about the contact with OM. I said, "You have told me you want to move forward with mutual respect. Continuing communication with this person you have been texting crosses that line. End your communication with this person and tell them you are ending it and we can proceed on a more even footing."

She said, "I will not contact that person any more and if they try to contact me, I will tell them that continuing communication between us is inappropriate and I will not be doing it any more."

That is a bit of a weight off my mind. After speaking about this, I decided that that was really the only thing holding me back from going with her and the kids to her parents' this weekend. So, now I'm with them instead of doing my other activities, but I'm OK with that for now.

I know this is only a first very small step and that it doesn't mean anything if my W decides she doesn't respect me enough any more, so I will have to be aware of it in the future. Next week I have at least one activity planned, and I will look into more. Now at least I feel like I can focus on GAL without "OM" hanging over my head.


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BD 10/06/14 Took off her ring
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Originally Posted By: PigPen
Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy, LostNM?

I've read it twice in the last two weeks, cover to cover. It's well worth it for guys like us that are pleasers and fixers, and confrontation avoiders.

PigPen, thank you very much for popping into my thread to add this comment. I have read through No More Mr. Nice Guy and I am already intent on reading through it again. This book has a very spot-on description of many of my most frustrating patterns and behaviors. I intend to bring this to my IC this week. This is not going to be easy to break out of, but it is unquestionably worth doing.


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Originally Posted By: LostMN
Brief update: I spoke with my W about the contact with OM. I said, "You have told me you want to move forward with mutual respect. Continuing communication with this person you have been texting crosses that line. End your communication with this person and tell them you are ending it and we can proceed on a more even footing."

She said, "I will not contact that person any more and if they try to contact me, I will tell them that continuing communication between us is inappropriate and I will not be doing it any more."


MN, how do you intend to confirm this?

"Trust -- but verify." (Ronald Reagan)


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309


MN, how do you intend to confirm this?

"Trust -- but verify." (Ronald Reagan)


Starsky

I think it makes sense to check phone records once a week or so, but to schedule it so I don't obsess over it.

Basically, they could be communicating through other means and I have no way to check that (that I am willing to engage in) so I will be using that mental effort that was being used on fretting over this texting on looking out for me and my needs and for working on myself for my own sake.


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OK. It just seemed "too easy" how readily she acquiesced to your boundary, plus I'm a born skeptic anyway, lol. If there's a trusted third party you could have monitor a couple of different intel channels, and then just let you know if there's anything inappropriate going on, that would be best. Because even once a week seems like it messes with your detachment, which you've got going really good right now.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
OK. It just seemed "too easy" how readily she acquiesced to your boundary, plus I'm a born skeptic anyway, lol. If there's a trusted third party you could have monitor a couple of different intel channels, and then just let you know if there's anything inappropriate going on, that would be best. Because even once a week seems like it messes with your detachment, which you've got going really good right now.

Starsky

In truth, I more got the impression that she wasn't really very invested in the texting back and forth, so it wasn't that much of a sacrifice to get rid of it. And from the records, they were never sending very many messages.


M30 W32
T7 M5
Kids: D4 S1
BD 10/06/14 Took off her ring
Still living together
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