WAS or what

[roist]

Advice sought from vets/everyone?

I have done a lot of reading here and a lot of soul searching. Here are my thoughts and my view of what is my way forward.

I have struggled with this largely because my wife had not dropped the bomb on me yet. I was not sure if my situation meant all the advice to others is also as relevant to me. Yeah.... everyone thinks that their situation is different.

I have asked here and more so to myself if the bomb not being dropped is highly significant. I thought that it meant I caught the situation just before and that maybe gave me a slightly better chance.

I am not sure of a lot of things. But I am sure that my W is not actively present in our M/R. Maybe she is sitting on the fence and really doesn't know what she wants. Maybe she is waiting for the right time to drop bomb and leave.Maybe she is depressed. Maybe mlc. Maybe just fed up together. I don't believe there is EA or PA. Regardless she is not there in a real sence but is not seeking to leave either.

At this stage, according to advice gleamed from other threads, the reason etc is not important. Following this logic my situation is the dame as everyone else's here. All sandi's rules apply.

I have stopped all pursuit. I am going to treat her as a good friend. I will not seek anything more than that and will expect her to do the same I.e. no expectations of anything more.

The last thing that I want is for us to fall into the "just friends" one, but as we are just glorified roommates, to help detach and help with expectations I have had to accept that. Of course all of this is unspoken as there is no R talk.

Living together, sharing a bed and with two kids, I don't think I could "detach" more without becomingcold. I will concentrate on my 180's, my GAL activities and try to be happy.

Is this what ye advise or have I missed something?

[roist]

Journaling.

Weeks ago we talked of the possibility of getting away for the long weekend, but never finalised. I left it hanging as I felt I was driving all our other getaways. On Tuesday my W brought up the possibility of us (4) going away for the long weekend.

We discussed many options and locations. At the end of a long evening I just said maybe we should have considered X. It was a casual comment and had nothing to do with all the stuff we had looked up, I thought maybe next time we'ed look into it. My W looked up stuff the next day and showed me and that is where we went. Just another thing I noticed but didn't put any emphasis on.

The weekend went well. I was adjusting to my new "friends"" status. I may need to tweak my interactions but on the whole I stuck to it. I tried not to ignore my wife but did keep busy with stuff and boys.

I know my wife had noticed a change. I'm not doing it specifically to have a reaction from W. This is more for me to cope better. I'd be lying to say I don't hope it'll help save my M, but for now I have to save me.

During the weekend I mentioned two things that we needed to take care of. My wife jumped on both of theses as soon as we got back. Regardless of whatelse I know she is listening to everything I say.

Of course a trip away would not be complete without some negative comments. But these just flowed off me. Used to react narkily ESP to driving comments.

I know I have a lot to do working on me and my 180's. So not stressing about fixing the R can only be good for me and allow me to become a better me.

Last night my wife mentioned another potential trip, we may do together (2) it is to a wedding of one of my friends. Without being cold I didn't show much enthusiasm about it last night. She surprised me by bringing it up. Next time I may say we'll see about that later. Maybe i want her to feel I may not want to go with her. But mostly I just want to concentrated on the shorter term.

[roist]

That's really the thing. I don't have any clue about how often this works. But I know that begging, reasoning, crying, etc didn't and doesn't work. And even if it got her to stay a little while, I don't see how employing those behaviors would lead to a significant change in the M - so we'd be stuck in the same place or right back here afew months later. So I truly believe this is the only way.

As for pushing her away, that's what it feels like. But you're really not. Think about it like you're on awalk together and she's three paces ahead of you. If you stop walking, she might take another 1/3/5/10/100 steps before she realizes you aren't following anymore. That's when it's up to her to decide whether to come back to find you or just keep going. She knows where you are, she knows how to find you. Luckily, you were the love of her life, so it's unlikely she will keep walking forever. Also, luckily, you haven't just been twiddling your thumbs while she was walking - you've been getting stronger, smarter, BETTER. So when she finds you again, she will be able to see those changes and take interest.

Another post borrowed from another thread.

[Cadet]

Is this what ye advise or have I missed something?

It sounds like you are on the right track.

[Matt777]

Glad you could take something from my post!
Sounds like you're doing well. Keep experimenting to see what works and continue to do that.

[roist]

Thanks cadet and matt777. And matt that was a good way of explaining it. Glad you don't mind me hyjacking it. When I first started browsing here I came across some great nuggets of insight advice and comments. But often forgot where I read them, so now to save me researching stuff I'd like to reread I add it to my thread.
I am going to be spending less time here going forward. I have my path. I'll be back with updates and questions, but as I read somewhere it is not by spending time here that I will save my marriage. this is a great place and a useful tool, but ultimately it is our actions in the real world that will change things

[roist]

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse

In relation to sandi's rule 17, I have two questions:

I will soon look up info about my rights and the legalities where I live. Initially I will be doing general research on internet and then will decide if need more specific L advice. This I will be doing for my info, but is it wise to leave my search history on the computer or is it best to erase it. Baring in mind there is no mention of D.

Would a WAS take my removing my wedding ring as a sign of moving on, or in their current thinking mode that is unlikely to make any impact on them. I will not remove the ring just o try get a reaction.

[sandi2]

Sorry I have been so long getting back with you. I do want to respond to something I believe you've brought up a couple of times.

I am still unsure of my actions due to the fact that there has not been a definite bomb drop. But the logic of the posts here makes a lot of sense.

I did not drop a bomb on my H. He discovered my Internet activity, and I discovered he knew his way around a computer a whole lot more than I gave him credit! I was so fogged out of my mind that I never thought he would actually "see" the conversations OM and I were having.

Here's the thing, as long as things are going her way, she may not feel the need to bomb drop. It really did not occur to me to do it anytime soon, although, I had started slowly preparing to find me an apartment. Crazy!

My advice would be to continue the 37 rules, detach, work on personal improvement goals, GAL, and use 180's.

I think you had a question about the conversations.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

Although the LBH may not be able to see himself in a pursuing mode, trying to prompt her into conversations can be seen that way from her point of view. A lot of LBH's try to get closer to his W by having these conversations, and then over-kills by being too eager and too talkative.......hanging onto every syllable she says.

I would sum it up by saying, let her lead in conversations. Do not leave the impression you are giving her the cold shoulder or silent treatment. OTOH, don't be too talkative and trying to get her to talk longer. Women are pretty keen to spot this right away.

Here is the copy of post on detaching:

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

[Cadet]

Here is the copy of post on detaching:

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

Roiste is this the missing detachment post you were asking about?

[roist]

Thanks sandi.

I always appreciate your replies as you know the other side of things.

I had come to the conclusion that the BD is only a reality punch and the reality is what it is whether we have been hit or not. So I had already decided to follow the guidelines fully.

My wife is not showing any signs of wanting to physically leave, but is not "there" either. I am not in denial about a possible EA. She is inappropriately close to one male friend but spying makes me confident there us nothing going on....... but it is still not right. I can't control that nd know that my pulling back could give space for something to happen if that was on the cards. I believe in your advice and will follow it.

Considering her as a friend has helped me with expectations. Whereas I don't yet consider her as just a friend all my interactions are done ASIf we were.

Sandi when you get a chance I would like your thoughts on my questions relating to rule 17. Please ?