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dejavu2 Offline OP
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LT, Beatrice & Lou - thank you for your kind words and support. I have found a lot of answers in this group. We each have a different story as our S each have a different journey. I spent the past 3 years killing my self-esteem b/c I thought I could fix it. This group has given me resources to finally understand that I didn't create this mess he is in and I can't fix it either. I do know that he has been given the gift of time to sort himself out. I am a liberated woman!!


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
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DJ - I was thinking about your sitch when I read your last two posts. Do you still love your husband? Or has he exhausted your supplies of compassion and understanding with his self absorbed behaviors.

I think there are many many reasons to save marriages, [and I certainly don't believe all the 'in love' things that so many MLCers spout when they rush off with someone who is amazingly unsuited to them] but what would it take from your husband to rebuild yours? I know divorce isn't necessarily the answer, but do you actually want to wait out this crisis, assuming that your husband actually wants, and is able to do the work on himself.

My xh recognized he had, and still has, 'issues', but doesn't think they can be dealt with.

It is sad that in the words of teh Baa song, they wont take a chance on us!

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dejavu2 Offline OP
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B - Yes, I do still love him. In order for us to work, he is going to have to emotionally connect again with himself, the children and me. For me, it is not about living in the same house 7/24, but rather knowing that we have a connection and when we are together, making each other a priority and having fun. Up until 2012, we use to go out every Friday night and away overnight once a quarter - we always took time to reconnect and catch-up. I do love the independence that I have, however it comes with a price - lack emotional support on a day-to-day basis. He has not put boundaries on me, rather I put boundaries on myself because of the children. There are trade-offs in every relationship. I would also like him to be more supportive when there are items which he needs to engage with rather than pulling out his procrastination card.

In 2012 he ran away emotionally and became very passive-aggressive. I didn't understand and thought he was getting his emotional needs met elsewhere. We started MC in Nov 2014, where I was able to see that he ran away from everyone and everything including himself. Rather than try to fill his void with other people and false happiness like so many MLC, he built a wall around himself. He was all work -- all the time. After he was laid-off, I was hoping we would reconnect; however he emotionally put the walls up further proposing divorce. What I have now realized is as a child he was given no skills in emotionally coping. He learned to cope by denying he had emotional needs.

I am trying to sort in my mind emotionally what I think I WANT versus what I can COPE with. Emotionally open men make me uncomfortable. As a child, I felt abandoned after my mother died and then went on to equate love with abuse. It comes down to how much am I willing to address my childhood issues? I hate addressing childhood issues (put all those emotions in a box and have stored them away)..... but somehow I have ended up having to look thru the box anyway.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
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DJ - you sound amazingly self aware. I can see why given your childhood you have opted for the marriage and life-style you have done.

It isn't a lot of fun digging around in the locked trunks of our past. It isn't so much a question of changing ourselves (far too much emphasis put on that) so much as understanding ourselves and why we behave in certain recurring patterns.

I don't believe we can really change our essential ourselves but we can better understand the way we behave, how others behave, and learn to moderate our responses to others. We can act differently while remaining our essential selves, and get in touch with parts of ourself that we had lost touch with.

There are some terrible therapists out there, and there are some excellent ones. The more modern approach is more focused on getting the person functional - it is about the therapist working actively with the client.

I can't tell you how much I dreaded therapy, and how I value what it has given me. I haven't had a huge amount - small bursts from time to time, and I am now on therapist No 2, but on very good terms with therapist no 1. I just need different things now.

I am arrogant enough to suggest that you may have made certain compromises with yourself in order to go on operating, and that this is reflected in your choice of husband. However he is on his path and you are on yours, and as you know, we can only appeal to others, not change them.

Both my xh and I were damaged in different ways, but mine was emotional and could be dealt with. His was probably a deeper trauma, and I am not sure it will ever be resolved.

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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Thanks B, lots to think about in your note. I am sorry that your xH did not want to do his work when you were together. I have no clue whether my H will "rise to occasion" or not either.

Yes, I have gone thru other periods of emotional enlightenment - they are painful times, but there is a peace at the end of the process. I just keep hoping that I have packed that box away for the last time, only to have to dig thru it again years later.

I had a great conversation with eldest D today about what is going on. She has been angry about H. I told her that the greatest personal growth seems to be a result of emotional challenges. We don't tend to grow during the good times. Don't regret you had the challenge, look to learn your lesson and enjoy the next chapter. This process will happen many times life, thankfully there are many more good years than bad.

Over the past 5 years I have slowly put on weight until my wedding ring won't come off - there is a slight irony in this. I am working on myself both inside and out. I am hoping soon that I can choose whether the ring stays on or comes off for good.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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[quote=dejavu2]--I have no clue whether my H will "rise to occasion" or not either.

Do you have an internal timeline or deadline in mind, for making your own decision?

That can help a lot so that you know the limbo won't be eternal NOR is it all within his exclusive control, bc you'd be choosing for yourself. Knowing that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, one way or another, can be a comfort.

What if your h does not ever do what you need him to do?

Would you prefer staying in the situation as it is, over a divorce?, if those were your only options?

I ask that b/c your h may never take initiative to substantially change & improve himself

AND OR to divorce you. I mean, what is HIS motivation for change?

Why wouldn't he keep things as they are? What is his "pay off" for divorce, versus remaining status quo?

Inertia often gets under rated for the powerful force it can be
...it's that very complacency that often gets us where we are. Complacency is so subversive to marriages...


Yes, I have gone thru other periods of emotional enlightenment - they are painful times, but there is a peace at the end of the process. I just keep hoping that I have packed that box away for the last time, only to have to dig thru it again years later.

I had a great conversation with eldest D today about what is going on. She has been angry about H. I told her that the greatest personal growth seems to be a result of emotional challenges. We don't tend to grow during the good times.


True, and unfortunate and ironic. I sure wish God (or life or the universe, or whatever) would test me with a really good thing, you know, as a test to see if I become a jerk... like winning the lottery...

"I promise to share!!" cool




Don't regret you had the challenge, look to learn your lesson and enjoy the next chapter.

I believe I'm a better, more loving woman b/c of this ordeal. Hard to know, but I'm definitely more self aware.

The DB folks I've stayed in touch with all seem changed, and for the better.
That's worth a lot.

Becoming the very best version of ourselves that we can be (self actualization) by digging deep and doing really hard work, is probably THE achievement of our life.

If we do all that^^, then I think we have to let the marital cards fall where they will, and walk away with our heads held high, at peace.


.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: dejavu2
Regarding 180s and detachment, it is really difficult to act differently around someone when they are not around. For the past 3 years, I have basically been living like a single mom (but not dating!).
I can SOOO relate to this. H and I, both traveled for work, and I did feel like a single Mom at some point, when it was just him traveling. A few years before the BD we did have a pretty much long distance marriage. It was important to me to spend time together, but he started to pull away at some point and became more distant.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I ask that b/c your h may never take initiative to substantially change & improve himself

AND OR to divorce you. I mean, what is HIS motivation for change?
I’ve been asking myself the same questions. Still have no answers though.


And this I complete agree with:
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Becoming the very best version of ourselves that we can be (self actualization) by digging deep and doing really hard work, is probably THE achievement of our life.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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I haven't left the group, just taken some time away to get stuff sorted.

I have been doing a lot of reading about passive-agressive behaviour (about him) as well co-dependency (for me). Some great emotional eye-opening reads.

Also listening to some thought-provoking podcasts while I finished making all the curtains. They turned out great and house has now been photographed for going on the market - should be officially on the market tomorrow.

At the end of May, H came back after being gone for 3 weeks in which he was job interviewing and "thinking about things" with no new enlightenment or decisions. That was my ah-ha moment. He put forth no new effort - I knew it was time. Additionally he is planning on leaving the country this weekend and returning to USA indefinitely. So, I called my lawyer to have divorce paperwork drawn up.

I decided that I needed a vacation before he left for the last time, so I booked a week in Spain on a wellness and detox holiday (no red meat, no wheat, no sugar, no booze and no caffeine). Lots of exercise, sunshine and clean eating. Courses on nutrition and PT sessions. I still had lots of down time to read. It was a fabulous holiday. While I was gone I had the draft divorce papers sent to H (with warning). The best thing about me being on vacation is he has formed a better bond with the children.

I returned to a full schedule of events including son's birthday, son's end of school year events and a black tie. The black tie was last friday night - I was on a girl's table. It was such a fun time with lots of girl dancing. I knew people on most of the tables, so was lots of fun. Unfortunately Sat AM came very early with end of school year chapel at 9am, followed by a day of activities. Although slightly hung-over from night before and my hair was crisp with hair spray, I was surprised at the number of compliments I got - perhaps it was the detox?!?

H has acted very upset that my lawyer has requested a response from him within 7 days or paperwork will be filed "as-is". H says paperwork came as a surprise and out of the no-where. He is very upset at the process; however unwilling to re-evaluate the outcome. I have pointed out that paperwork has not been filed yet and could be withdrawn - he goes back to dithering.

I am very sad as I do not believe this is how problems gets solved. However, I have realised that he has been very clear with his messaging with me and has been treating me with indifference for years. With him leaving the country to start life in the USA, I needed to protect myself/children.

H is in a dark spot with himself. He is not coming out any time soon. He has reverted to many of the habits which gave him comfort as a child - it is very interesting to watch.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 143
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Hi Dejavu2.

I admire your courage. You are so strong. So happy you were able to get away and focus on yourself.

Praying you continue to be protected. You are amazing!!

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Another whirlwind 24hrs here with end of school activities for daughters. H left with son today to go back to USA. He is dropping son off at our friends in NH while he goes to NJ for a short term consulting job. So although he is traveling with son, he is actually going to be by himself. It is a bit of relief as he has been giving me such mixed signals. He took of his wedding ring, when I mentioned it he offered to put it back on - I told hm that it is his journey.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

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