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Pyrite, do you have a new thread?


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
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Originally Posted By: Smothy
Pyrite, my IC and I talked about 'core beliefs' at the beginning of our sessions and we are beginning to work through these. The main ones are 'I believe I am unloveable'. A lot of my behaviours anger/ control has stemmed from this one belief.

Excellent smile

Originally Posted By: Smothy

The EA in 2011, I far as I was aware, was NOT through out until present. This is what i believed EA 2011 July until Jan 2012. Resumed contact April 2013 - July 2013. Resumed contact Dec 2014, friend saw them together in pub so don't know prior to this whether they were seeing each other. H told me this episode I believe because he knew I would be told by friend.


i wasnt suggesting it was ongoing, but it does seem like it as not put to rest at all.

Originally Posted By: Smothy
Like all EA, was told only friends, someone to talk to, I would never go out with a single mom. Made a move to move out in August 2013, H begged me stay, I guess we never dealt with these issues then.


so i see you have 20/20 insight as well smile

Originally Posted By: Smothy
Last year best year ever. H sanctioned and wanted me to have my needs met by a co-worker, says it's his fantasy, I slept with coworker, 2 more times. H announces he wants a D because of my betrayal and lies as I had affair with coworker and slept with him 2 more times that he did not sanction. Co-worker left in November.


Why did you sleep with him again?

i can understand having that fantasy but to then turn around and D because it wasn't sanctioned is a bit drastic. So was all of this after you nearly left in August? Even if it was somewhere b/n 2011-14 this sounds like an extreme trust issue in a M to pull in whilst you are in the middle of EAs and threatening to leave.

BTW - i dont think you meant "best year ever BECAUSE I slept with OM" ^^^. I imagine you and H were close etc. To my layman's ear it sounds like his pride was so hurt by your "betrayal" that he convinced himself to leave. Enlisted EA and off he went. Maybe he thought you were having such a good year as well, that it was a good time to indulge his fantasy. And when you had the "A" it resounded in his mind that maybe he had been wrong about everything, including ending/slowing the EA.

If this might be possible then it is good and bad. Its good because his "script" that you were always controlling etc is just that. rewritten, exaggerated history to make you the bad guy and let him out as the victim. The bad news is that maybe you having the A tipped the scales. However the "good" news with this is that he must've been pretty close to tipping anyway and it was probably just a matter of time and circumstance.

so why did you do it? honestly? the M never entered your mind? you weren't getting some need fulfilled that you didn't in the M? I only stress this to suggest that maybe the M wasn't as important to you then as it is now. I get this - i kick myself everyday. Even during the M I did.

Can I also guess that even though it was the best year ever in your M, it still didn't compare to how A made you feel. Maybe your H picked up on this? Just making wild guesses here Smothy?

Anyway it sounds like things were "falling apart" for years. The cited A (yours) may indeed have been the straw that broke the camels back. I am not suggesting you shouldn't address your core belief issues, I think this was probably at the heart of everything you did. Still - there are two more things you can't forget:

1. He was there as well, EA, dragging you back, asking for fantasy and then ....
2. I don't see anything here that is NOT forgivable. I haven't fallen off the wagon yet - i still do forgive my wife. IF her behaviour had've been yours, I reckon I could probably forgive that too. Your H may yet, who knows. But YOU MUST forgive yourself - in all future possible scenarios.


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Originally Posted By: Smothy
This combined with my emotional abuse, his conflict avoidance tactics made our relationship very unhealthy. :-(

We both played a part in the demise. I have owned my part, but he refuses to see how damaging his EA was and said it was nothing like my betrayal of sleeping with co-worker which H initially sanctioned.


can you even say you slept with your co-worker without adding this qualifier?


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Originally Posted By: Smothy
Pyrite, do you have a new thread?


not yet. i dont have anyhing to say really. sort of in the doldrums. sort of the opposite really. seeing L tomorrow for the 1st time. may be slapping the W an ultimatum. We are not moving to facilitate your new lifestyle. In terms of staying where we are balance is in my favour. BUT - my concern has STILL not been fully layed to rest that she can't tip the balance back into her favour by claiming full custody and getting it.

so high stakes - Zeus would love it smile

might start a new thread after that.


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besides hanging out at Smothy's smile


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Smothy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Pyrite
Originally Posted By: Smothy
This combined with my emotional abuse, his conflict avoidance tactics made our relationship very unhealthy. :-(

We both played a part in the demise. I have owned my part, but he refuses to see how damaging his EA was and said it was nothing like my betrayal of sleeping with co-worker which H initially sanctioned.


can you even say you slept with your co-worker without adding this qualifier?


No, I can't, because he asked me whilst I was here, and I originally refused telling him it was a ad idea because of the distance. He pressed and pushed quite a few times. In our time together I never stepped out of the relationship. When I started my previous job a colleague was texting me, he asked me to stop and that was what I did straight away!

I believe I would not of slept with him if not okay end by H. I guess he did fulfilled a need in me, We became very close and I slept with him twice more before he was due to go back to his own country.

The truth was I never thought I cheated on H or an affair as firstly, he sanctioned, we spoke about us being friends etc and me possible sleeping with him again and secondly I never felt I took time or emotions away from H. Does this make sense?


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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Smothy Offline OP
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The co-worker situation was from when I was abroad. From Oct 2014- Nov 2014.

We spent about 5/6 weeks where we became really close. He left at the end of November.

One of the reasons he is citing is that it took me so long to tell him (from Dec 18th) NC despite given me an end date of Christmas Eve. He found out that I spoke to him a few days earlier and did not end it there. I reminded H of the deadline of Christmas Eve, but he took that I was unwilling to end it.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Feb 2015
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Smothy Offline OP
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I think the A tipped him, because the day he demanded a D he spent all day with OW (12 hours) and when I asked him about it he got really angry and said how dare I ask him about OW when I chose to go to OM bed and F%*#$ him!

That's was when he said we were over and he wanted a D.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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it makes sense. i'm not judging you. i'm just asking you to look at it more closely thats all. it is the issue your H cited as the final straw.

Originally Posted By: ^
We became very close and I slept with him twice more before he was due to go back to his own country.

The truth was I never thought I cheated on H or an affair as firstly, he sanctioned, we spoke about us being friends etc and me possible sleeping with him again


so you talked with H about sleeping with OM again? but he didn't give final OK?


anyway, this is the important bit

The truth was I never thought I cheated on H or an affair as firstly, he sanctioned

YOU never thought it was an A. But your H did. I am not really understanding why you dont think there was a difference. I'm always restricting my kids to just one lolly from the bag. Sometimes there is a reason. for example "OK you can have just one because you were an extra good girl .....". This doesn't mean in any way that I would accept her having more. In your case your H's reason was "because it is a fantasy of MINE, can you do it for ME".

The other times I dont think were for him were they? So they were different. Anyway, i doubt if this was THE problem. Maybe it was the last 2% or something, but you sound like you had been in trouble for years. And yes - maybe you could've worked it out together. Exactly the same guilt and regret that I think a lot of us here face everyday. He had this option as well, to drag you to therapy. But he chose to end it.

I say it often to myself and close ones. I know that I would not be dealing with issues of this magnitude that HAVE affected my entire adult life if we had just tried to patch up the M. Even if we had gone into ICing as well. I have been reborn in that sense.


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Smothy Offline OP
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You are right Pyrite, they were not for him. I did ask and he did not agree or say no. I think h said something along the lines of if you feel you really need to.....

H said what really killed it for him was not because I slept with OM, but waking up to him, him holding me etc, the intimacy was something he couldn't deal with as he thought that was only special to us. Also, a 'friend', a co- worker of mine who became friends with him on FB, told H that we had a R that I saw him a lot more than I said I did, we danced provocatively together, held hands, kissed at work etc. a lot of this was embellishment. H chose to believe this.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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