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Last edited by Cadet; 05/26/15 06:14 PM. Reason: Link

Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Bob723 Offline OP
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All, I noticed I hit exactly 100 posts on my last thread, so I started a new one. I'll bet Cadet is proud! LOL

Wonka and all....I will not reply until I hear from someone. grin

Guess what? Moments ago, I received the most open text I have from my WAW in the 7 months we've been apart. I know -- NO expectations. I'll copy that one in, but first what happened earlier today. As a recap, my W was supposed to stop by and pick up summer clothes and a few of her other things today. A few days ago, Toots and Wonka suggested my first text below (originally I was going to be here, then W asked if I could be out for while).

I want to summarize the last few day's "text" events and a great post by Wonka that really summarizes my sitch perfectly.

First text I sent a few days ago: "Hi W - I understand and have made plans that should give you ample time. If for some reason you'll be much later than 5 let me know. Take care."

W responded: "Thanks"

I responded: "You're welcome"

Now, we get to today:
W's text: "Bob - I can't come today. I am too tired to walk. Sorry, W."

I reponded (Wonka's awesome idea):
"Thanks for letting me know...I appreciate it. Please let me know how I can help make this easier for you. Hope you will get some rest today. Bob"

Then, hours later, I get this from my W:
"Thanks, I'll try. It could just be the beginning of an MS relapse too. By the way, are you still taking the meds and going for counseling? I'm just curious, you don't have to answer because it is really none of my business. It seemed to be helping you feel better, I was just interested if you feel the same way. My mom is actually taking (same med as me) now because she's been feeling stressed. I'd been trying to tell her try it for a while now and she says she's feeling better now too. IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! But no, no one ever does. I don"t know what to do - I miss you so much but I don't know if I can live with you. I need to come down sometime to discuss the house, we'll see. Take care, I'm very confused right now. Sorry, me"

To summarize, this is my sitch as Wonka sees it:
"Bob, I am going to hijack this thread to expand on a bit why I suggested the text response to other posters.

People, if you would read all of Bob's threads, his W has a MS which is a quite debilitating condition that affects all aspects of her daily functions. Not a fun thing to have at all! One of W's two main complaints is that Bob has 1) been smothering 2) seemingly not caring about her health situation.

The approach going forward for Bob when interacting with his W (be it a text, phone call, or in person) is to do the two following actions:

-Show genuine interest in his Ws health
-Trying not to jump in and go all into "Mr. Fix It" mode
-Be supportive without smothering W

Just simply saying "ok" seems cold and uncaring. That is not the way to go in DBing when it comes to Bob's situation."



So, what is my next step? My W admitted she is confused and wonders if I'm still going to therapy and taking meds. Positive on both counts. wink

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Bob723 Offline OP
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P.S. I can't remember the last time she wrote or said she misses me.

I know, NO expectations....but maybe some progress?

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
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No expectations, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the moment for a bit Bob.

Sounds like you handled the texts very skillfully. Well done!


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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Bob723 Offline OP
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Thank you PigPen!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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I'm glad you have Wonka to help with your responses!

Sounds positive overall and I know it's not easy to have no expectations but expectations can lead to disappointment. I think this is definitely a positive, baby step but if a reconciliation is in your future it can still be a long time away.

Keep the positive changes in you going!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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Bob,

Your W is opening up a bit and it is critically important that you make it safe for her to do so without any judgment or jumping down her throat with "helpful" suggestions.

I am going to decode this line for you:

I miss you so much but I don't know if I can live with you.

This is WAWspeak for:

I do want to be with you, BUT I am terrified to return back to the M that is the same ol' M without any changes.

She's confused because she's seen the changes in you and it's throwing her off. It is GOOD because it shatters her own narrative of what a bad H you have been and hanging her own hat on to that POV.

Your next step?

Why do you need to ask? Of course, draft up your response and post here for feedback. I think you're ready to do this step yourself, no?

I akways advise newbies to follow the general principles when composing a text or email response:

-KISS
-STFU
-Concise and on topic
-Validate when appropriate

Last edited by Wonka; 05/26/15 03:34 AM.
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Bob723 Offline OP
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Lost & Wonka!

Thank you so much for checking in!!!!

Ok, I'll do my best, Wonka. You're AMAZING.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Posts: 7,319
A thought just crossed my mind and I want to write this down before I forget it.

Have you ever thought about joining a local support group for people who have spouses/partners with MS in your area?

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Bob723 Offline OP
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Wonka, yuo're on top of it all. Actually, I have thought about that but not acted on it yet. It's a good idea.

Many, many *Hugs*

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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