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Wow, that's great gb! I was just saying u wondered if detaching would come across as too uncaring, but you're saying detaching is what we do when we are away to give us the strength to have positive non pursuing interactions with ww, that we end on high notes.

That's a great way to look at it.


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Originally Posted By: Ripken8
Wow, that's great gb! I was just saying u wondered if detaching would come across as too uncaring, but you're saying detaching is what we do when we are away to give us the strength to have positive non pursuing interactions with ww, that we end on high notes.

That's a great way to look at it.



If a wayward wife is living with OM or openly and notoriously dating OM, you don't have these kind of conversations at all. Instead I think you fight the affair directly but that's another thread another day.

If a wayward wife has filed for divorce and served you, you might second guess having these conversation until she takes the step of actually putting the divorce on hold or dismissing it.

Defacto may not have these conversation for another month yet...because he is not the one pursuing such conversations. He just needs to be prepared for it if and when it happens and by answering questions with questions he can sort of lead his wayward wife to herself lead the conversations in that direction (since she's the one doing all the talking and answering).

Notice too...by detaching he's got HER asking questions about what he's doing and with whom. He's got her calling, texting and generally blowing up his phone. If he completely avoids responding...she'll just stop. Girls don't chase forever and eventually a man has to step up and pursue the woman he loves. A betrayed husband has to do this very carefully, without expectations and in an internally detached strategic manner. It helps to have a slightly cocky arrogance essentially acting confident that you are the superior choice for her, you know it and she's either going to figure that out or her loss.


Betrayed husband's need to be let in on the secret. YOU ARE HER SOULMATE. God choose you for her. You are her perfect mate. God didn't and doesn't make mistakes. She can try to deny that all she wants and she MAY eventually divorce you to be with OM or anyone else but that doesn't make it less truthful or prove God wrong. She has free will. She can deny God's gift for her. You can't stop her from denying it, but just knowing that should give you some confidence knowing you can do or say just about anything and it's perfect because it's supposed to be you and her together. See the humor in her rejecting you and that truth. She's struggling to justify a lie (that you two don't belong together). Don't compare yourself to OM, he'll never be anything compared to you. You aren't competing for her with OM or anyone. You've already been declared the winner by God. You fight for her because it's the right thing to do. To cherish her in good times and bad, in [wayward] sickness and health. Because you took an oath to do so. If she ends it and gives you a certificate of divorce, your obligations end at that moment.


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Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs

If a wayward wife is living with OM or openly and notoriously dating OM, you don't have these kind of conversations at all. Instead I think you fight the affair directly but that's another thread another day.

Now that is a thread I would love to read. Please expand.


Me:43 Her:42
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S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
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Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
Betrayed husband's need to be let in on the secret. YOU ARE HER SOULMATE. God choose you for her. You are her perfect mate. God didn't and doesn't make mistakes. She can try to deny that all she wants and she MAY eventually divorce you to be with OM or anyone else but that doesn't make it less truthful or prove God wrong. She has free will. She can deny God's gift for her. You can't stop her from denying it, but just knowing that should give you some confidence knowing you can do or say just about anything and it's perfect because it's supposed to be you and her together. See the humor in her rejecting you and that truth. She's struggling to justify a lie (that you two don't belong together). Don't compare yourself to OM, he'll never be anything compared to you. You aren't competing for her with OM or anyone. You've already been declared the winner by God. You fight for her because it's the right thing to do. To cherish her in good times and bad, in [wayward] sickness and health. Because you took an oath to do so. If she ends it and gives you a certificate of divorce, your obligations end at that moment.
Defacto,

Wow! GB gave you some excellent advice in both posts after mine.

GB, the part I quoted from you above I agree with 100% ...no...1000%

Hang in there Defacto.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
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Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
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Bob,
Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement. It's good to remind myself to not answer a call that I'm not prepared to answer.

GB,
As usual, pure gold. I specifically like the advice to answer STBX's questions with some questions of my own. It's a strategy that I hadn't considered. I can always count on your timely support to help me on my way. And, I agree with Bob that your last paragraph was one of the most inspirational things I have read. It is unlikely that STBX and I ever reconcile, but I will reread that paragraph when I am lacking confidence.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
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All the remaining interactions with STBX today have been only about the kids and I'm completely ok with that. I could use a couple of easy breezy interactions after this afternoon's phone call.

STBX dropped off the kids at my house before her work shift. I was so excited to see the kids. My joy was overflowing and I'm sure STBX could tell. As I was walking around her car to pick up S1, she complimented my new haircut and my new shoes. I responded with a nonchalant "Thanks." I then made sure she got a chance to give both kids a goodnight kiss. However, I didn't want to seem like I was waiting around for a hug so I started to walk away and simply gave STBX a smile, a wave, and wished her a good night.

STBX then called from work to check on kids like she normally does. I quickly put D4 on speakerphone. When D4 finished, I told STBX that D4 and I were having a slumber party. I wished her a good night. STBX made it a point to say "thank you very much." I'm not sure what she was so thankful for but whatever.

Just a few upbeat and no nonsense interactions to help keep a LBS focused and put this afternoon in the rearview mirror.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
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Journaling:

I had another fun night with the kids. D4 and I snuggled until we fell asleep.

At 1:26am, STBX called from work but I didn't answer.

This morning, after her work shift, STBX called, as she normally does. We talked about D4 a bit because she was upset about something. Then, I asked STBX how work went. She started to tell me a story from work when D4 asked to talk with her mom again. Once D4 finished with STBX, I asked if she could finish her work story. I listened to her story and made a few validating comments. Then, I confirmed our drop off schedule for later today and encouraged her to get some rest. I did not say anything about the late-night phone call, nor did she volunteer anything.

Reflecting:
This is a pretty standard interaction between her and I, a quick child status update and small pleasantries. On these calls I'm always upbeat, cordial, and interested. I know these morning post-work phone calls are made by STBX out of comfort and habit. However, I know there has been some discussion about me being less available, more mysterious to STBX. I have tried to employ this strategy when I am not with the kids.

Here is my thinking on these interactions. One, STBX is still their mother and I believe she has a right to check in on the kids. Two, it gives me a chance to show her that I am an enthusiastic and involved father, which I believe is never a bad thing. Three, it allows me another opportunity to make a positive impression on STBX, which is something I think is important to maximize at this stage in the process before I have been served D papers.

My concern about either ignoring these type of calls or being less interested while on these calls is that STBX will view it as more of the same or I will come off as not being friendly.

Thoughts and suggestions requested.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
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Defacto,

I'm prob not the best to ask, but I would look at what you're doing as good DB.

What I'm reading is that you are NOT pursuing. You are interacting based on HER communication and choosing to be positive and have some interest, but you are not the one initiating.

Also, you still remain mysterious. It's the balance between the two that I believe ensures you are a nice, supportive guy, who's moving on and has other things to do.

Not some lonely person who can't make it without ww and every interaction is guilt, sadness and hurt. Plus, being an amazing dad NEVER hurts.


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I think she needs to see what she will be losing by choosing D. You get close to it and she sees so she tries to exhibit more control over you and then you're right back to where you started. Remember DB is the opposite of what you think you should do.

Right now she's not feeling like she's losing you - she calls, you ask about her day, basically it's more of the same of having a H but not living together and getting to date another man.


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See?! THIS is where I get confused. Do you or don't you have conversations about her even if you are not the one initiating or do you just always stay dark?


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S-11, S-8
M-11, T-14
BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18
I moved out 5/23
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