Teach, it wasn't ridiculous that you spent the time making the home nice for dad. I did too. It's what we do when we're married. The nice thing about 180s and GALing is that you can rediscover you. Find out what you like to do by yourself and with your son and daughter. Find your bliss and give yourself permission to not check in every three seconds with your H. I still struggle with that one!
I hope you have a fantastic day tomorrow!
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
I'm going to try my best today. We have a field trip so that should help. I plan on going NC starting today. The weird thing is that is exactly what he has been doing.
I'm going to try my best today. We have a field trip so that should help. I plan on going NC starting today. The weird thing is that is exactly what he has been doing.
Yeah. It's always interesting to think about how the WAS has been DBing for months by the time they drop the bomb.
So planned on having a calm day with NC. He sent an email this morning stating that he will continue to send money to us and he isn't the liar I think he is and I have never thought he was a good husband or father. That started a string of text messages and finally he picked up the phone and told me that he isn't wearing his wedding ring (its only been 2 weeks) and that he won't divorce me but he isn't coming back.
I don't even know this man. He is looking for me to fight him and I just listened and told him that I'm sorry he feels that way.I have a feeling this is going to get really bad.
My S17 left school because he asked his dad to come in for his band concert and he gave him a lame excuse. I hate seeing my kid like this.
Teach, you are right, it most likely will get worse before it gets better. It will also take a long time. Just keep validating and GALing.
Have you sat down to talk to your son about what is going on? Sitting down with him and asking if he has any questions or thoughts that he might want to talk about is important. Then, no matter what happens with your H, your s knows you are around for him always.
Your sitch is close to mine in that my H first told me that he was unhappy, but wasn't leaving or talking about D yet. Two weeks later, he told me that he wants a D.
I focus on myself and my S and it helps tremendously.
You're doing well and will come out of this one day.
{{hugs}}
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
So planned on having a calm day with NC. He sent an email this morning stating that he will continue to send money to us and he isn't the liar I think he is and I have never thought he was a good husband or father. That started a string of text messages and finally he picked up the phone and told me that he isn't wearing his wedding ring (its only been 2 weeks) and that he won't divorce me but he isn't coming back.
This stuff is the hardest part of DBing. They know how to hurt you, and right now, there's nothing you can do to hurt them back. In their mind, the WAS is already out of the M; you're already fired. So they don't care if you yell at them, cry to them, take off your ring. None of that matters to them.
So what can the LBS do? Bite their tongue. STFU. Let them vent; let them spew. Now isn't the time to say he's a bad father or a bad husband or inconsiderate or whatever. That's not to say that we become punching bags and doormats. But fighting and arguing is not going to lead to any positive results. Instead, we validate and nudge.
I'll also throw out there that I wouldn't have replied to that email unless there was some kind of urgent question. I don't think you should get yourself into text "battles" with enough messages to require a phone call.
Just remember, this is going to take MONTHS. You can't get him to change his mind in on conversation. You CAN make him dig in his heels in one conversation though. If an email comes, let it sit for a few hours. Contemplate. Heck, post it. The key is to act rationally and without your emotions clouding your way. We need to become the lighthouse - calm, serene, collected.
Thank you so much for your reply. You right I shouldn't have answered the email. I just haven't talk to him and I was craving contact. I love the idea of the lighthouse. I have read it several times.
It was all day back and forth and it has drained me.He actually called but did exactly what yall said. He just spewed at me with blame. I listened and told him I'm sorry he sees our life that way. He ended the call by yelling "I told you I'm never divorcing you!" I can't even believe this is my life.
I just wanted to start NC today, I can't fall into traps. He needs a good 30 days not talking to me.
I will be going to a new church this Sunday to help with my GAL. I'm new at this but I will get the hang of it.
I took my son out to eat tonight and we had a long talk about his dad. I just told him that his dad is going through a tough time right now and he may say things and do things that are out of his character but he still loves you.
I can see my son is angry. He doesn't like his mom to be sad so I'm trying my best to stay positive. He asked me if I thought there was a chance everything will work out. I told him to never lose hope.
