Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Awesome! Good luck! I'm with Rip on the confidence front too.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Greek festival was a no go at the last minute, we went to a friend's house instead.
I get a text from W - How is D6? I said "She's fine" and sent a photo of her playing with her friend. D6 jumped on trampoline, played dress up, had a grand time. She definately thrives at play dates. I need to line more of those up. I had a good time with Mom too.
D6 now says she wants to sleep over at my place - so won't be able to show off new jacket or nails tonight it does not appear.
My D6 spent the night with me last night, and my W agreed, even though it was her week.
I called W this morning to ensure who was makng breakfast for D6 and she had her bookbag for school etc... We talkd about the D6 not doing well emotionally and she is acting out and I said maybe we should get therapy for he. She agreed we might look into it. We hung up.
A few minutes later she calls again and says she feels hurt that "I call all the shots". I listened very careully and validated her and said "OK I hear you, that must feel bad". I said "I don't want to call all the shots, what would you like to do?"
We talked for a while, I again listenened very carefully and my wife complained that "I shut her out" and "am rude to her" and "She is very hurt by my actions and each time she reaches out I shut her out. Whenever I am "nice" to her it's with an ulterior motive, I want something."
Again, I just listened and said validating statements. I could tell she was crying. I said "This past 8 months has been very hard for me and for the kids and we are trying to make the best of the situation." She said "Yes, she is trying to do the same thing." She said "I guess that all of this is happening because of the sweeping decisions I made". I again just listened and didn't argue and again made validating statements all throughout the conversation.
She is upset that I blocked her from FB and that my mother unfriended her. I told her it was too painful to see her new life play out on social media. She didn't say anything to that.
She has not apologized for her behaviors or affair but it feels like a thaw? Does the board feel this way or again is this my assumption or mind reading?
What is the next suggested outcome. Should I contact her further to follow up this conversation? Should I let it lie and carry on? Should I call her and ask to talk more? Do I wait to see if she contacts me?
I don't know what to do next exactly, but my instinct would be to let her come back again, when she's ready. Think of the picnic metaphor, when you reassure her that it's safe to come out of the castle and snoop around you, without getting roped into R conversations. Also, I don't find it to be very good news that she's upset about Facebook because her concerns are all about her again, with no empathy for why you or your mom would do this. Eventually, she'll have to realize and regret the hurt she's been doing to you and others, not just the pain she inflicted on herself. Also, remember that WAS want us to be nice to them because they want to feel better about their decision, not because they want to come back. Be cordial and all, available for the kids, but don't set yourself to "nice" her back into the M.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I am glad to see that you and W are talking a bit more on the emotional aspect. Yes, things are slowly thawing out between you two.
No, I would not try to reach out and prolong this. Let this process occur organically...not forced or hurried along. It is a BIG positive that she opened up and acknowledged that she's made some not so great choices.
Now it's back to your own DB path...cordial, polite, and respectful. Keep going, you're on the right track and this is working!!
Only been at this a short time, as you know. But in this short time, there was a "thaw" of sorts last Monday and Tuesday. She spooned me in bed Monday night in tears and said she was a mess, and on Tuesday she crawled into my lap and asked about stopping her "addiction" to the texts and the affair. I came to find out (through emails that are accessible to me in our business, I didn't go out of my way to snoop, but it was too easy to read) that there had been some kind of doubt or uncertainty between her and the OW on Monday night, and whatever it was, it got resolved on Wednesday. Which is when the thaw turned back to coldness and determination on her part to keep going down the wayward path.
I suspect, and this might be true for your W too, that whenever they sense a lack of security with the OW, they come back looking for that security with us. It could be no more than a momentary thing until they work out whatever else is going on with the OW. Or it could be a real thaw... especially in your case, as she's had enough time with the OW to perhaps emerge from the fantasy world that is so all-consuming in the beginning.
I agree, though... keep doing what you're doing. Something seems to be working.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Yesterday W send a text how is D6 doing? I replied "we got our nails done, and are having fun and included a photo of D6, her play date, and my friend play date's Mother. It was a sweet photo of them playing dress up and they all had great smiles on their faces. My W replies "Great!" My new friend is married, and we are strictly platonic but is a knock out. My W knows about her and this is most likely the first time she has seen a photo of her and with my daughter. Could this have been the catalyst for the emotional outburst? I don't know.
So, I made sure I did not talk about any R issues, or talk about therapy or any of the pressure kind of stuff. I did not guilt trip her by using D6's problems with our separation. She actually said, It's like I don't get a say in this process at all. (I reisted saying like I had any say in your unilateral decision to drop a bomb on us but I refrained). I just kept saying "I hear you, and understand what you are saying and that must feel bad. I didn't intend for you to take it that way." I told her I wasn't the greatest listener and have been working on that.
She said our problems were all about communication issues and I replied "I hear you and yes, that must have felt bad for you to not be heard." I bit my tongue not to say "and having an affair made our comunication issues better?"
"I told her that I have told the kids I want Momma to be happy" and this is what she wants so we will be happy for her. I told her I want her to be happy and that happiness comes within and how I recently learned that concept. There was no response to that.
There were lots of long pauses, she acknowledged how hard this has been, "It's been no cake walk" and I said "Yes, it's been very hard for me too". After the long pauses, I just let them be. I didn't try to offer any suggestions, counseling, R talks, no pressure or anything. I just let the silence be.
You are right, she does't seem to get it that she can stop this at any time.
She did say that I was "rude by not saying hello, etc..." and I again validated to her that must have hurt her. I swear I have increased 10 times the politeness and cordial aspects of any communication we have. She still says I am rude to her so there is nothing more I can say to that that is her perception.
I so wanted to say, this 9 months has been horrible for all of us, let's put it behind us, get counseling, move forward, come back home, etc.... but I didn't. i just said this is a regrettable situation we are all in.
I don't know, for her to even call was a good thing, to hear her cry was a good thing (and I don't mean that in a bad way), but her talking about how this is hurting the kids, and her discomfort, and realization that she caused all of this by he choices is at least an acknowledgement in some measure of the pain she has caused and continues to cause.
But Wonka you are right, it's all about how this is affecting her, I am rude and it hurts her, I have blocked her from Facebook and that hurts her, When she reaches out (Mother's Day invitation to lunch. She was mad that I did not eat lunch but only drank a soda. I had an upset stomach so I didn't eat a pizza. That made her upset at me,) and that hurt her. My mother unfriending her on face book really upset her. She HATES my mother and recently made my son send her a birthday card. She has never sent my mother a birthday card. It's like she wants to carry on with her nice gestures and ignore all of the ruins she has left behind. She thinks she can send a birthday card to my Mom and expect her to be all happy and joyful.
It's all about her being Hurt by ME. Never any "I have put all of this in motion", "I am sorry for causing this devastation, etc...) It continues to be all my fault.
So yes, I won't follow up with any phone calls or messages. I will just wait and see what happens.
