Let's start with saying I have been working in the detachment post from the site. Writing down things that caused me to do what I did, and things that W did to make me feel the way I did. It's all past hurts, and past actions that have led to this stuff. I came from a very low income family, didn't have much, got picked on as a kid and teen. I had an abusive family growing up, never really learned how to act or what to do. My boundaries are all messed up. I allowed the W to take over my life. I gave up all of me, thought I had to make her happy, thought I had to fix things(she has arthritis and is only 28). Instead of letting her deal with her stuff or make her own decisions I controlled or tried to control every aspect.
I took it as far as hiding from my family from shame from her and my daughters. One of my sisters got addicted to pain pills, forged scripts got caught, and was in jail and rehab for a while, she has also been married twice and divorced twice. My other sister is okay, except she too is divorced, and her kids run kind of out of control. I just wanted to not have that in my life, or my families life. I see that it was wrong, trying to shield instead of letting them make their own decisions. Not to mention that I was holding all of that resentment against my family.
I have come to peace with my sisters, told them what my thoughts were and why I did what I did. Once again lesson learned. You can't change others or hope they will be different, you have to accept them for who they are. I've also totally lost all contact with friends. I tried to shield all the imperfections from my family there too. Also, I was having problems with thinking I was a sexual tiger and everybody wanted me. That was part of my sexual addiction problems. It's very hard to talk about this, but I have to get it out.
I have a friend whose wife made passes at me, and I ended up asking for sex from her, thankfully she was smart enough to turn down my advances. I tried to blame it on her because she started it, but it's not true because I didn't stop it. I made a decision to try and force the issue. I have to take responsibility for my actions. Another situation that happened. Another friend and his wife are constantly battling at least until recently. Once at an event she grabbed my crotch and not in a mean way. After that I never felt comfortable around them much. I have tried to go back, but it just seems weird. I tried to shield it all though. I think I just used to be the kind of guy that people gravitate too. I used to charismatic, full of energy, and easy to talk too. Maybe it's all in my head I used to think, but I just don't believe that. I need to get back to that, but keep a better boundary aspect in my life. I have to be comfortable and able to enjoy people and things. Sorry for the length, just needed to get some stuff off my chest.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/27/1508:48 PM. Reason: link
This is like therapy. Time to release some demons.
I was letting the people that hurt me continue to hurt me. All the kids that picked on me, all the women that cheated on me. It got to where I was afraid of an actual relationship or to commit to one thing. Always thinking, I'm not good enough, they are just going to hurt me any way, I don't want to do this, whatever the reasoning was. I looked for woman that I could easily turn down, or ones that were not happy in their current state. Whether that be married, boyfriend, whatever. I never thought I would be able to have a solid foundation.
In my current stich, I was always looking for a way to get out because I was getting to close. I never really let my heart go, or my feelings out. I was to scared to say if something was bothering me, and never wanted to be too happy. If I showed my happiness, I would be hurt again, or left again. I literally would flirt with anyone that gave me the time of day, and think I could have sex with them and move on. Never really get to know the person, or what they were. In my M, I was getting there, but it was while we were dating. After wedding it just got worse.
She never told me what she really wanted, I couldn't guess. But even if I could I probably would have passed it off, not cared like I should, and just ignored her anyway. I see all of this, I know where my problems lay, I just don't know how to fix them exactly. I can't afford therapy right now, I can barely afford to just get by. I guess my only course of action is to keep getting it out. Talk about it, keep seeing what I am writing down. And yes I mean writing, I have tens of pages of stuff that I just write down when I feel like it. Being honest is helpful, but who can I be honest to. I just don't know. I feel like being honest to the W, but now is not the time. I feel like being honest to friends and family, and I have, but I hate bothering them. Everybody has their own lives, and needs to live them.
I will just keep being honest in here for now. Being honest with myself. I have been thinking lately, that the only reason I got married was because of the kiddo. Did I ever really love the W, can I really say that I can love someon fully. Right now that answer is a big no. All I ever wanted to do was fix her, solve her problems for her, it was all about her, and it just can't be. I let myself down, by not working through my problems on their own merit. I just thought it's normal, I don't need to have sex with my W, I don't need to be there for her, only when I thought it was right. The only time it mattered was when it pleased me. I was such a terrible person. I don't believe that's me at all, but I have to find out for sure.
I know it's not much, but it has been 2 days of no contact. I haven't been on her Facebook page, that is a huge problem for me, and I just have to quit. I am looking at one day at a time. I've been doing the same thing for my other problems. It's so hard to just resist, buts it's a self control thing. If I can learn to control these silly behaviors everything improves.
I had to text today about the kids, worst part about everything. But I just kept it short and about kids drop off and pick up stuff. It's funny how the guidelines and process of this makes a person feel. You want to comfort, run to them, tell them all the right words. But I get it, no matter what is said you can't change them. You can't just forget the past, look toward a future, or be together. All I know is that I don't want to give up, and I'm trying to do stuff for me to a better man. It's hard to not want to do it for her, and only for myself, but time is on my side no matter what. It is up to me, and what I truly want.
Having a tough day. The more I get away from the bad stuff, the more my mind clears up. I was doing so well before we got back together. But my changes didn't hold, I went back to wanting to do everything for her. And I lied still. But deep down all I ever wanted was my family. I'm going to stay good, I'm going to stay away from the stuff that led me to here. The hardest thing is that I don't want to do it alone, I don't want to not have anyone to share with. But I know, deep down, that no matter what I say or do, my M is over. There is no fixing, no going back no nothing. It's either I start fresh, or let it consume me. The old relationship as it was, was terrible, no one was happy, no one was satisfied. We were just going through the motions.
I still want to be there for my W, it's so hard to turn that off. I know that's normal, but I never acted like that during the last few years. That what has me going. I can't figure out why I would do that, if I feel this way now. Is it really what I want or is it false emotions because of the fear and losing her. I'm still not contacting her, I had to text for kid stuff, but that was it short and sweet. It's been all about control for me though. I want everything to be my way. I don't want to have something happen outside my control. I've learned that growing up, I held everything in, didn't want to express myself. Every time I hurt, I just wanted to push it away, and try to make it better right away. The only confrontation I knew was bitter, fight to win, not to agree. I will stick to a newer me this time though.
It's so hard. I'm getting myself clean, getting back to what I used to be. And all I can think is that I really just want my W. All the little stuff didn't matter, I chose to hide everything out of fear and shame and no self esteem. I literally had no life with her though. I let myself get so caught up in everything she did, and I just let myself go, I wasn't important and I wasn't good enough. How sad, to realize that. And then to realize there ain't a damn thing to do about it, but move on.
No matter how hard I try I just can't let go. My whole family is telling me to move on, find somebody else. Most of my friends say the same thing. I'm afraid that if I let go, I will give up. I look at my kids and just can't seem to find the will to move on entirely. It's the wrong reason though, to think I should not give up because of the kids.
I have to move, can't afford this place on my own. It's scary do that again, for the first time in 10 years. I have not the confidence that I can manage everything on my own. That's part of my problem. I relied way to much on her and believed I was worthless. I never took enough on around the house, and just let her do it all. I guess this will be a 180 for me. Doing this all over again on my own. Let's hope I can manage.
On a side note I did go catch a movie this weekend. And I was sorely disappointed. I caught the Avengers sequel, and it just was not as good as the first and overall just not as entertaining. Hopefully they can come up with some better ideas and for the future films.
