Treat her like a co-worker not a W. Avoid the conversations.
There are ups and downs during this process - They key is to remain focused on yourself and your children.
I wouldn't wait until Tuesday to move her out of the MB. I also wouldn't turn her sheets down. The sooner you start the process the sooner you will see results.
Me42 W40 S12 D8 M:15yrs BD 3/27/15 D filed 4/27/15
I want the kicking her out of the bedroom to be linked as a clear consequence of the "date," which represents a new level of their involvement with each other. That's why I'm waiting till Tuesday.
I've resolved to use LRT as much as possible, doing a pretty good job of it since last night. There sure are ups and downs. It was hard to see her leave for the open house just now without the hugs and kisses and "I love you's" that have been a part of our lives till just recently. Just business: "See you."
What has really helped in the past day is seeing her in a new light. When this all blew up, I did the requisite soul-searching to see what truth there was to the things she said. And there was some, but I allowed those truths to perhaps define me, bring me down, and I gave them too much power.
After the long talk with my Stephen Minister yesterday, and the talks with my friend and my son last night, I see it all so much more differently. She's the child. She's the self-centered one. She's the one to be pitied for her emotional immaturity and addictive behavior. "Believe none of what she says and half of what she does" is probably my favorite line in all these threads. I have chosen to laugh at how ridiculous this all is, rather than give her screwed up opinions any power over me.
It helps me to see that there are two ways this can go. Either she is in a crazed and addicted state right now, she'll burn through this behavior (most affairs don't make it six months, right? even if they are foolishly promising the world to each other), and finally come to her senses - all the while I'm detached and making the changes I need to make. Or else she really has shut the door on our marriage and will plow through with this other relationship based on lies and built on sand, and if that's the depth she wants in a partnership and this is now the person she is, I won't want her anyway.
It's still hard, but I think I feel empowered now to move forward.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
It's been 8 months for me and my W still has not "come to her sense's" I have given up that she will, maybe she will maybe she wont but I try very hard not to dwell there. It is a negative space and I have so many other things going on.
Focus on YOU, focus on protecting your finances, focus on your kids and protecting their finances - savings accounts, etc... When an A shows up, all reason goes out the window and they will start to do really unbelievably crazy things and spend money like it's water. It really is like they are addicts.
Protect yourself by focusing on you and not the BS she has gotten herself into. When she starts talking about "dating" I would stop that conversation and get up and leave the room.
Something like "That is incredibly disrespectful to our marriage to talk about dating another person." and just walk away.
It's hard but you can do it.
I love your GAL, sounds like you have a lot of support. Good for you.
Yesterday was a mostly good, GAL sort of day. In the evening, W and I had plans to visit a few properties (for our business). Before she got home, I was out watering the garden and she had been calling. "Why don't you answer the phone?" she asked. I said, I was outside, didn't hear it. "No, I think you see my name and you don't pick up." Nevermind that she'd already called twice during the day and I did pick up...
We went to see the two properties, then she wanted to see a third. When I asked where it was and how much, it was clear this wasn't an investment property. "It's for a client." This client being the OW. I said clearly, "No, how disrespectful. We are going home now." She complied, but didn't think she'd done anything wrong. It was icy silence the rest of the way home.
I think my detachment has made her angry, actually. She was more adamant than ever last night that we are "over," and we need to start discussing how to move forward with separate lives. She has even rewritten our history to insist we never intended to live together for the rest of our lives. It wasn't a fight, but a heated discussion... after which she went upstairs to write an offer, and I went outside to call a friend. When I came back in, she was all sweet again, fluffing up a pillow and inviting me to sit beside her... until the OW called, and she went outside to talk.
I went to bed, and when she came in, she said she would go to church with me in the morning.
Here it is, the morning, and I really feel like my entire grasp of reality has been shaken. I wish I could get out right now and start over somewhere. I have moments when I'm not sure I want to start over with her, and those moments are becoming more frequent. Her heart is so cold, she isn't the woman I love.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
It sounds like you are doing so much better in just a few days. There are several reactions to detachment, but anger seems perfectly reasonable. The WW doesn't WANT you to move on - she wants to keep you in her pocket so that she can keep all of the security of being M and have you in case the OW doesn't work out. She won't turn around to come to you until she really feels that loss.
Just because she says "it's over" doesn't really mean anything more than that's how she is feeling at that moment. A few hours is a long time in the world of a WW - things change so fast because their world is in such turmoil.
Finally, I know it's hard to want to stay M to the creature that your W has become. I feel the same way. It's like she's under mind control by an alien. I do believe that someday, the fog will clear, she will look around at the damage she has caused and truly feel remorseful. Only THEN would I be able to have a meaningful R with her. So for now, I love her from a distance using the 15 years we were together as the foundation.
Hi Matt... I know nothing she says really means anything. If it takes losing the OW for her to turn back to me, though, am I not just a placeholder until the next one comes along? It's the sense I'm getting - she wants everything we've had in our relationship - the stability, the companionship, the knowledge that I will be there - everything except the sex. She wants that thrill, that excitement, that spark we haven't had in a long time. She wants the routine that keeps her grounded with me, and all the fun with her.
The detachment had her saying things to me like, "What, you aren't talking to me now?" And, "If we're going to live together, it can't be like this," and "I just want you to be normal." Everything her way. I sure hope it's temporary insanity and not the woman she's actually become.
I am leaving town tonight to visit family, going to stay at my mom's. Tomorrow, we are having a BBQ here for all the neighbors, and we're supposed to "act normal." It's going to have to be a new normal, because none of any of this is normal.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
It's been good to be away from the tension in our home for the night. But it was hard knowing she was spending time with the OW yesterday afternoon, "watching a movie." She said she'd be home by 9pm as I cordially said goodbye, then she sent a text after I'd left to see my family saying she was sorry she "couldn't" come with me. At around 9, she said they were just starting the movie, and don't worry about her. (I didn't tell her I wouldn't be coming home.) So glad I was enjoying time on the porch with my mom when that text came through instead of sitting at home... and I'm sure it threw her off a bit when she got home and didn't find me there. But I know this is only the beginning of nights when she'll come home late, or won't come home at all.
What are some strategies you all have used to get through those painful stretches when you know your spouse is actively, at that moment, cheating on you? I did a generally good job of not dwelling on them and what they might be doing, but it's hard to completely put it out of my mind. It's all going to get much worse before it has any chance of getting better, I know. I just want to weather the storm the best I can.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Hi Matt... I know nothing she says really means anything. If it takes losing the OW for her to turn back to me, though, am I not just a placeholder until the next one comes along? It's the sense I'm getting - she wants everything we've had in our relationship - the stability, the companionship, the knowledge that I will be there - everything except the sex. She wants that thrill, that excitement, that spark we haven't had in a long time.
That's why the thread on WWs is so important. Of COURSE she wants those things. Who WOULDNT want to go out and have amazing sex and then come home to someone that you know loves you and wil care for you. That's why the detachment and getting your own life is so important. When all the stuff you provide goes away, she will have to decide which is more important. Sadly, I'm guessing that at first, it wI'll probably be the sex - the drug - the rush.
I'm nowhere near a vet on this subject, but I have read from numerous threads, that even once/if you get to the reconciling/piecing stage, it's still very hard. All those feelings of abandonment and being a placeholder and mistrust have to get worked through in order to ever have a successful R.
So for me, for right now, I'm not worrying about the choices my W is making. I know that if she's having an A, there is a chance I can forgive her. I'm not picturing it as being her "plan B" at the moment. I believe I'm not any plan. Eventually, when her fog clears, I may be a "Plan A" again.
All that safety and security, she seems to think she's going to get that from the OW, too. It's like she went from a lifetime with me one week, to planning a lifetime with her the next. It's insane, but since I cleared out of the house yesterday afternoon and she now has all this time for which she doesn't feel any obligation to account, I am wondering if she is missing me, feeling lost, or feeling relieved and even more anxious for us to go our separate ways. I know these are all feelings, none of them mean anything real. But she is letting her feelings call all the shots right now, shots that have lifelong implications. I KNOW I can't worry about that, I can only worry about me. But it's hard.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
All that safety and security, she seems to think she's going to get that from the OW, too. It's like she went from a lifetime with me one week, to planning a lifetime with her the next. It's insane, but since I cleared out of the house yesterday afternoon and she now has all this time for which she doesn't feel any obligation to account, I am wondering if she is missing me, feeling lost, or feeling relieved and even more anxious for us to go our separate ways. I know these are all feelings, none of them mean anything real. But she is letting her feelings call all the shots right now, shots that have lifelong implications. I KNOW I can't worry about that, I can only worry about me. But it's hard.
You can see from my signature, I'm hardly farther along than you are. Truly, the key to making things easier are really detaching and getting yourself your own life. Any time I give myself the time and space to think about my W, all those feelings can come back. But the busier I am, and the more I take care of myself, the less I find myself thinking about it and the less hurt those feelings make me.
But I get it. It's raw. And I'm sure if I was still living with her, I'd be a wreck. so I understand your struggle. You're not alone. You can do it.
