Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[25yearsmlc]

Btw - I have always been willing to follow H jobs around, it has been him that hasn't wanted the family near him. When the kids were babies we were living on East Coast and he was working on west coast for 2 years near several of my closest friends from university. I begged him to move there - wouldn't do it.

So in terms of your h's behavior and choices, this is Not really something new. It has been going on for most/all of the m. I can see how that would be devastating to realize, in retrospect. But you must have had some pay off for it to have worked for you for so long.

Anyhow, I think the "MLC" label is over used and misunderstood (i.e. many LBSers assume inaccurately that if it is anMLC it means they are more likely to return to the m, but there is no empirical data supporting that.

EVEN if there were, a hallmark of a true MLC is that the behaviors are NEW and "out of character" for the spouse.


Every job afar, I have offered and suggested as being a family unit is very important to me. I spent one summer looking at schools/houses in Amsterdam only to have him decide he didn't want to move us.

Yes it seems to be a pattern for him.


This is the first time that I am digging my heels in and saying I won't follow him to certain places, If kids were thru HS, I would follow him anywhere - I love a good adventure.

So in a way it's YOU that has changed the dynamic. And it's only b/c the kids are in HS, correct?



I now realise his lack of interest in having the family around is because it relinquishes him from emotional responsibility as he hides behind his corporate responsibilities.

I really don't believe the psycho analysis is helping you and it may not be accurate anyhow. It serves no good purpose imo. It's a blame game and it's ironic b/c for the length of your m, things were fine this way.

Is it the kids high school years AND OR his reluctance to commit to you, that is the problem?

Maybe the only issue is, what will YOU do, given that your h continues to want part time fatherhood?

[123Gwen]

Dejavu2- In my case, looking back and reflecting was helpful in making decisions on how to move forward. It really was damaging if I stayed in that mode for too long.

I am not sure how I feel about the MLC label but in our case I can say, without reservation, my H's entire value system shifted and his thinking changed overnight. He never lied before and with such ease because he was justifying every decision in such a bizarre fashion. His mother has remarked on how even his voice has changed. I could go on but the way he has abandoned me, the girls and even the family dog is very tragic. I have no doubt he is a man in crisis.

What do you want for your marriage and for yourself?

[25yearsmlc]

Dejavu2- In my case, looking back and reflecting was helpful in making decisions on how to move forward. It really was damaging if I stayed in that mode for too long.

I am not sure how I feel about the MLC label but in our case I can say, without reservation, my H's entire value system shifted and his thinking changed overnight.


FTR, I don't dismiss the MLC label out of hand. Sometimes it's accurate.

Indeed, this^^^"never" before IS significant to me. And in my h's case, most of it was radically different than before. Like suddenly not paying any bills, whereas he used to pay ahead of time and never, ever missed one.

I just strongly caution those who grasp at it 1) for too long, b/c it's keeping them stuck

and or 2) who deflect away from their own work and or

3) who keep "asking" why, and or blaming the "selfish/wrong/crazy" spouse,

and eventually wallowing in anger that morphs into bitterness.

Last but not least, it only takes a day or two to realize that IF the spouse is in a MLC

the question for the LBS is the same: What am I going to do, now?

Because we are all we control. The more we try to diagnose our spouse the less work we are doing in our own lives. The real person to ask "why?" of, may be ourselves.

Why are we still focussed on someone else,

and NOT on living our lives with clarity and intention.


He never lied before and with such ease because he was justifying every decision in such a bizarre fashion. His mother has remarked on how even his voice has changed. I could go on but the way he has abandoned me, the girls and even the family dog is very tragic. I have no doubt he is a man in crisis.

What do you want for your marriage and for yourself?

Forgive me for quibbling, but the first part of this^^ question is probably no longer relevant. This has been going on for 3 years, or more, and the more time that passes the more it's clear her needs have gone unmet for literally decades.

One thing that still gnaws at me is the shock I continue to feel about men who leave their entire families behind and SEEM to be "okay" about it...I mean, HOW do they do that?? I could wonder that the rest of my life but fortunately I'm not married to a man who is like that. Still, those who do it really do freak me out.

SOooo

Why not focus on what you can create for the rest of your life, going "From this day forward"?

[dejavu2]

25yearsmlc - perhaps the MLC is used too frequently, I have no idea as I am not a psychologist, just a woman looking for answers. Using the MLC label only seems to be a big problem when people use it as an excuse rather than a wake-up call.

Yes, there has been a trend which I accepted in the marriage over the years because I thought things were going to change. I believed him. He always worked afar, but was still emotionally engaged with family. Over the years, we seemed to hit patterns of chaos which would drive us together (birth of children, relocations, health issues). However, when we had many stresses in 2012, rather than face them with me - he lied and emotionally ran away. He completely shut down emotionally on me, the kids, his friends and himself. I waited and blamed myself - now that he has the time, he is slowly coming back to life emotionally - I'm not a psychologist to decide if he is in a MLC, but I DO know that was my wake up call.

I have learned tons thru this process.


So perhaps I should be posting on different board rather than MLC board, but have found a connection to many of the journeys and resources here.

[dejavu2]

accidentally hit submit and then took too long to edit post....

25yearsmlc - I am not sure if your quibbling is to make me think or trying to get me off the MLC board, but have found a connection to many of the journeys here. I am very grateful for direction and resources which have provided explanations and thought-provoking journeys. Perhaps the MLC is used too frequently, I have no idea as I am not a psychologist, just a woman looking for answers. Using the MLC label only seems to be a big problem when people use it as an excuse rather than a wake-up call.

I have learned tons thru this process! I have accepted behaviours from H that most emotionally healthy people would have flagged and have the sense to leave the relationship. I realise that much of this goes back to issues in my childhood where my emotional needs were not met due to a tragedy. I have developed a greater understanding of how I got to this emotional spot ... now I must decide WHAT I am going to do about it. This answer is not as obvious - as H is going thru a period of emotional enlightenment as well. What I am trying to decide - is H showing true emotional growth which will lead to a deeper connection or just another delay tactic to keep me on the emotional hook.

Job - I am making 6 sets of curtains/roman blinds for the house - 2 sets are for windows which are 14' wide x 10' long! I find it hard to concentrate on logical tasks when I am in emotional meandering, so curtains are not getting done as fast I would like.

[beatrice]

Hi, I am not a therapist either, but even if there is a pre-existing pattern in a marriage, we are the experts in whether something has radically changed
.

I think what you are saying makes perfect sense - there was a pattern of being apart more than you liked but which in some way suited your h and you too - or at least you were able to tolerate it. Then it changed. Looking back it is easy to say 'there was always disengagement' but there was also engagement. Now there isn't.

In my experience MLCers disengage from all they once loved - even if it was in their own odd way!

If you feel at home here please post.

[LouR]

dejavu 2 - don't let anyone make you feel like you should not be here. We are all in the same boat - our s have left us and we are looking for support, advice and answers. I dont think it matters which forum you are on, as long as you are getting those things and are benefitting from it.

I really identify with what you are saying that this process has changed you and developed you to have a better understanding of your own issues - its a hard process that if we face head on it can change our lives for the better, you sound like you have really made the most of it. I commend you.

Only your h knows what is going on in his head, they become cryptic and do not give us enough clues to work it out - just focus on you for now, when your h is ready he will make his intentions clear I am sure.

You are amazing dejavu. ((hugs))

[25yearsmlc]

accidentally hit submit and then took too long to edit post....

25yearsmlc - I am not sure if your quibbling is to make me think or trying to get me off the MLC board, but have found a connection to many of the journeys here.

I guess it's hard to know what someone means with the written word, when we can't see their expression or hear their tone. A lot of miscommunication happens.

Maybe that's why you thought I was directing my "quibbling" comment to you, but I was referring to myself quibbling. And I was making the remark to 123gwen (sp?).

Also I didn't even notice that this was the 'MLC" forum when I came to your thread, Another veteran asked to visit your thread & so I did.

So no, I am not at all trying to get you off this board or the DB board or any board.

I think you should post in the place you get the most helpful & numerous replies.

But maybe there's a bit of a lesson in this b/c I feel as if you did some mind reading here. Food for thought.


I am very grateful for direction and resources which have provided explanations and thought-provoking journeys. Perhaps the MLC is used too frequently,


if you read my words about the term "MLC", without making inferences, you'll see my reasons for saying it's used too often.

As I said before, somewhere around here I think,

regardless of whether the spouse is a WAH or a MLC H -- the course of action is the same for the LBS. That's a pretty crucial fact to keep in mind.


I have no idea as I am not a psychologist, just a woman looking for answers. Using the MLC label only seems to be a big problem when people use it as an excuse rather than a wake-up call.

I have learned tons thru this process! I have accepted behaviours from H that most emotionally healthy people would have flagged and have the sense to leave the relationship. I realise that much of this goes back to issues in my childhood where my emotional needs were not met due to a tragedy. I have developed a greater understanding of how I got to this emotional spot ... now I must decide WHAT I am going to do about it. This answer is not as obvious - as H is going thru a period of emotional enlightenment as well. What I am trying to decide - is H showing true emotional growth which will lead to a deeper connection or just another delay tactic to keep me on the emotional hook.

Read ^^ this to yourself, maybe out loud, a few times. See if anything nags at you.

Job - I am making 6 sets of curtains/roman blinds for the house - 2 sets are for windows which are 14' wide x 10' long! I find it hard to concentrate on logical tasks when I am in emotional meandering, so curtains are not getting done as fast I would like.

Sometimes these tasks are exactly what we need to get our minds/hearts OFF our spouses, so that we can finally begin to GAL and Detach.

Deejay, you've done a lot of personal work, I'm sure. Good for you. Still, you have been in the situation quite some time now & yes, I'd really like to hear about your GAL and 180s and Detachment work.

Sometimes it's good to get back to the DB basics.

Make sense?

[Lifes Twists]

Dejavu,

I don't think it matters what board on this forum you post to as long as you find one that you connect to and can grow from the interaction.

From my own personal perspective I believe that people who immerse themselves in work or hobbies or sports are doing so to avoid growing up and facing the responsibilities that come with it.

I think in your husbands case he sees it catching up with him as the kids mature. Its hard raising kids today. there are so many outside influences that can run havoc over their lives. Your husband sees this and the added responsibilities and he seems to be running even harder away from them.

You can see this and have chosen to work on your self and grow as a mother along side your children's growth. Your husband is choosing not too. Its a shame and some day he me realize this and it may be too late.

Keep standing strong and working on your self. You have found out you are a strong person and can survive. Good things come to those who are patient and keep moving forward.

[dejavu2]

I have been "stuck" for while in a situation which is unfulfilling. I originally stayed thinking he was going to change and be home more, then I stayed blaming myself, then I stayed as I spoke with many woman older than me who spoke about rough times in their marriage - so I thought this was normal, then I stayed because I couldn't bear to have my children forced to deal with a divorce. I realize I have given him far too much power in deciding if this marriage continues or not; however, I now feel like I have ticked all my boxes, been patient in the process. I have made it clear what I expect from our marriage. I will listen to his thoughts on continuing the marriage when he returns. If he is unwilling or unable to put the work in, than it is over.

I'd really like to hear about your GAL and 180s and Detachment work.

Regarding 180s and detachment, it is really difficult to act differently around someone when they are not around. For the past 3 years, I have basically been living like a single mom (but not dating!). Over the past 8 weeks, we have only been together 2 weeks of it. When he is home, I just leave him alone and go about my own schedule. He has had such walls to me that we don't substantially interact outside of kid items. When he is on the road, I don't initiate contact.

I am starting to call him on more of his emotional avoidance. He uses lack of time as an excuse to not get emotionally involved or stay too long in one spot (always the first to leave dinner parties or other gatherings). Never time to just enjoy life or stay too long in the moment - always some place else to be. I have been calling him on it, I use to be understanding, making excuses for him.

The biggest 180 I did this week was - a guy came to cut our lawn but it had been agreed he would use H tractor. We couldn't get tractor started, so rather than just sort it out..... I called H (even though it was 1 am his time) and woke him up, asking him to sort out this guy. Usually I just take care of everything, because that is what is expected. However, H had made the arrangement with lawn guy and I wanted him to own that process. (I don't usually do "damsel in distress" very well for stuff around the house.)

Another 180 - H decided he wanted to clean out the garage, although we still had a ton of other projects which needed time and attention. Rather than fuss at him, I just walked off and let him get on with it. Nearly drew blood from my tongue!

My main 180 is -- I no longer "care" about his opinion or seek his approval and it is MY opinion of myself which matters. I am also holding him a bit more accountable for what he says he is going to do but giving him space to get it done.

As far as GAL - I have always had a life. I fit in a handful of things around the children's busy schedules, but I do sit in most evenings because the kids need a parent there for dinner, homework and bedtime routine. When H was home, I made sure to get some extra nights out with girlfriends.

- I have started meditating listening to podcast called Headspace. Amazing how hard it is to calm the inner self and just sit there being.

- I run 4 days a week (but I have always run) and have starting training for a half-marathon in Sept. The upside is I have also lost about 15lbs - yipee!! I haven't run a half-marathon in 7 years, so very excited to be training again.

- I manage websites for several not-for-profits who all seem to be wanting things, sunshine has brought out out the project deadlines.

- Not my favorite way to GAL, but have also been getting closets cleaned out, carpets layed and curtains made for getting the house on the market and selling old toys on ebay. Slightly frustrating that these tasks are taking much longer than expected but can't put house on the market now until H returns as he needs to sign all the paperwork.

- I hosted a fantastic birthday lunch at a great restaurant for myself with 7 of the most wonderful friends. There was laughter and great conversation. We ended up having such a great time that lunch ended at 9p -- ooops! However, we usually do lunch once every 3 mos anyway.

The only new things I am doing to GAL....

- H and I use to attend various black tie fund-raisers, but he quit wanting to go about 4 years ago. So, I went to one in Feb and have another one in June. Time to go dress shopping.

- I took my daughter on holiday to Hong Kong and to see a girlfriend of mine. I am trying to get summer vacation planned with the children.


Saw a great quote which I have been embracing - "Maybe our girlfriend are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with!"