I am right there with you LT, its so hard to not get caught up with the glimmer of hope and jump on in with the enthusiasm of a kid on Christmas Morning! You seem very level headed and know it is still a case of patience and standing back to watch what she does next.
Try not to get too side tracked by these new developments though, make sure you continue focusing on you aswell. I watch and learn by your example LT, good luck
LT - enjoy the day and try to live in the moment. It is so hard to be patient, but you are doing well.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
I can see how easy it is to loose focus and get ones hopes built up. I actually find my self having less patience with things the older I get. when I was younger, I worked on projects that could take from 5 to 10 years to complete. I think this has given me some perspective on this process. at the same time, I don't want it to drag out that long.
I know she is being cautious herself. I remember when we got engaged, she wanted to keep it between the two of us for a while before we told anyone else. I think she will go down the same path as she will want to make up her mind and have this for herself if she choses to before she shares it with anyone else. I also feel that she is concerned about what response she will get from her family should she suddenly announce that she wants to give it another try.
Like we keep saying here Time is on my side.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
LT, Reconnection takes a lot of time and patience. Yep, that old word patience will be spoken many times during the reconnection process. Keep in mind that both of you have changed and until she feels comfortable enough to want to try again, she's going to be a bit skittish. So, like a skittish kitten, drop the kibbles and allow her to come to you and do not make any moves to rush the process.
Patience and more patience are required now. I've ordered up a couple of patience shovels for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We met up for another walk last night. She goes when she feels the kids won't find out. I feel that she does not want anyone in the family to know. I think there are family members on her side that would give her a hard time so she is keeping it quiet.
She started off the walk by saying that she feels that she has lost all her identity. Her identity as a wife and as a mother. The kids are getting older and are at the phase where they don't really want much to do with mom or dad. She said she feels like she did when we first met and that it not a place she thought she would ever be in again.
The conversation then turned towards menopause. I remember around bd when she told me not to blame this on menopause. Now that she is thru menopause she is starting to see the effects it has had on her.
She talked some more, I listened and tried to validate. I did challenge her once by asking her what she is going to do about it. I slipped up a bit there and she called me on it. Calling me on it was a new thing for her.
She emphasized that nothing of what she thought would happen as a result of the separation and divorce has worked out the way she thought it would. She has now stated this several times in our conversations.
Talk was mostly centered on her and her trying to figure things out. She said she is not happy. She said she feels that she really has a problem coveting what others have. I told her that she won't find happiness in having things or from other people. I told her that I have found happiness in the little things and actions that happen. That it has to come from inside.
She is definitely in a period of trying to figure out what just happened. The fog has seemed to lift. I wonder how long it takes before I can accept that it has lifted permanently? How long before I should feel that she has returned to reality?
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I can only tell you the following from my journey through MLC. Maybe wonka will have a different take.
I knew with every ounce of my being I made it through the tunnel. I was changed, I was molded into the person I was supposed to be. I assumed and thinking now probably wrongly that everyone on the outside would know it too. That assessment may be wrong.
Our kids have told me I was different after the tunnel. More understanding, more calm more positive.
Internally you just know you made it through. Hopefully she can convey that to you in her actions if not verbally. My opinion is if you make it through MLC and accept the journey for what it is, you won't go back...you fought your demons and you put them to rest so your life can move forward.
Based upon some of the things in your conversation, my opinion is she is not totally out but she is more than 75% through. By getting to 100%, you don't question some of the things she still questions(again, my opinion only)
When through, your words and actions are much in alignment.
Your wife is just starting to open her eyes and see what happened to her. She never dreamed that things wouldn't turn out the way that she had hoped. She realizes now that she has some work ahead of her to better understand herself and the why's and what if's of the entire situation. Continue to be a friend, validate and affirm, listen, but don't offer advice unless she asks for it. The one thing that you will need plenty of is patience.
You asked how long before the fog has lifted? It's going to take some time and yes, you are going to get frustrated that she's not through it yet...but it could take as long as it took her to enter into her crisis, it could be 12-18 months or shorter depending upon if she has the time and space to focus on her and her issues. Then there is another period of time, when she actually has to finally settle down and get comfortable in her own skin again. This step is beyond acceptance.
Lifes Twists, you are doing a great job. Dig deeper for more patience because this is where the road gets slippery because the spouse always wants to rush the process and trust me, it is better to allow her to go slowly and re-enter life at her own pace. If you can do this, she will be a far more mature and happy person once she's back and comfortable in her own skin.
If you haven't done so, you may want to read the reconnection there. It will help you better understand the re-entry process.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
During part of the conversation my ex said she felt like she was back in the same rut she was in before we met. I was the person who pulled her out of that rut and took her on many adventures along the life we had together. Should I try to do that again? If I do, how do I determine if I am trying to do something that may push her back? I think her telling me this was a way to tell me she enjoyed those times and would like to experience more. Should I suggest things to help her get started getting out of this rut? She has never been adventurous on her own, but has always accepted gentle pushes to try new things.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
My thought is that she may need to do those things on her own, LT. While I think she did enjoy them, I would think that you would do better being you. i.e. do the things you do, and if it feels right, invite her along.
My concern would be that you would be circumventing the process of her own growth by trying to "help" too much. That would be a fine line, no?
I think Job is right - it's early days for her to figure out how to come through and out. Trying to help too much may prevent that from occurring.
My concern though. You're closer to the situation although I would think just by you asking, you intuitively know that caution is needed.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Your wife needs to grow up on her own. If she feels that she's in a rut, she needs to figure out on her own how to get out of it. You rescued her many times pre-crisis, now she needs to grow up and face those ruts and find a way out of them.
Make suggestions and leave the door open as to whether she wants to try new things. However, don't push her to join in. She needs to learn to make decisions on her own and become independent.
Don't become her rescuer...you've already been there, done that. She needs to become an equal partner to you. Always remember, you can't fix her because you didn't break her. She's the only one that can fix herself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
