True words of wisdom.The first time I worked the DB program my H discovered the site from the history of our PC. It erased months of hard work. I had to discontinue posting. That was very hard for me.
I am reading both books, they are very helpful. Any additional recommendations for things to read to help me focus on me?
When he first took the job, it was to be temporary so we had agreed to a year of commuting. He did come home on a regular basis for the first two years. Things were good. We had discussed at some point me moving to be with him, until he realized there are NO jobs available unless you want to drive an hour away to a larger city.
I have also been with my company for almost 30 years, so I have a very good job and I'm very well respected in the industry. Not that that matters to me, but we were helping two kids through university, so we really needed the income and benefits.
It has just been this past year that I have noticed my H complaining about commuting, how it's not really working, how I do not do my share of the commuting ( I have done some and have met him in other locations frequently) just nothing that I do is quite enough. In addition, I am responsible for all of the maintenance and care of our home. Last year we had a roof problem that forced me to be at home in case there was inclement weather. And I did all of the work getting contractors to fix the roof and all of the damage to the interior of the home. It took a lot of my time.
I'm not trying to push blame away from me, it was just a busy year with things that were happening beyond my control.
So I'm sorry, that was a very long answer to your question. Believe me, I would gladly give up my position to move to be with him, but now I am very hesitant because nothing I do is quite right or enough (and he isn't asking anymore anyway) and I would br giving up many years and great benefits with my current company to make that move.
ViYes, some similar behaviors. Mainly the pulling back, the lack of intimacy when we are together and the walking on egg shells because I'm never quite sure what is going to set him off.
The last time I saw him, I called him on something he kept a secret from me. His brother accidentally told me the truth. My H told me I acted like a big lump all weekend (even though he ignored me and wouldn't talk to me) and that I didn't need to know about everything.
Of course I got hurt and defensive and told him I was sorry he had to deal with a big lump for the past 30 years and that I felt like I no longer had a purpose in his life, the kids are grown and almost on their own, so he was feeling like it's time for him to move on. I either hit a nerve or just ticked him off, b/c those were our last words spoken.
He was taking me to the airport and didn't say another word.
It's interesting, b/c the last two times I made the trip to see him in his space, it was like he was trying to pick a fight with me all weekend. Saying things he knew would bother me. One of the visits, we took a short trip out of town and our son called me on the phone and wanted to talk to me about a lease on an apartment for the following school year. My H talked to him a bit and got angry b/c my son had ideas other than my H about the lease. Then I took the phone and talked to my S and said we could talk more later. I hung up and my H asked me a question about the lease and I said, you know as much as I do, you just end talked to our S. He started screaming at me saying he was sick of the way I talked to him and that I didn't show him any respect. I was dumbfounded. I rarely ever raise my voice. Sometimes I might sound annoyed, but I do not yell. It was like a slap in the face. I think this was my first red flag that things were not going well with him. After that I really tried to be patient, listen and not argue.
In Sept of 2014, we had come to an agreement to separate. It was after a fight we had about him moving back home in May. He made excuses not to come back home for 4 months. I let it go and acted "as if". So when he visited in Sept. I sat him down and we had a very civil discussion. Many things were discussed. He said he only missed me 50% of the time he is away. He also said, a separation wouldn't be the worst thing in the world and I agreed. I had learned from the previous time not to contradict or beg or plead not to go.
So we agreed and he asked if we could still talk everyday and I said no but we could talk on occasion. We went to a movie and he wanted to hold my hand which I thought was weird. Then the following day, he went outside and had a talk with our S and when he came in he said he wanted to talk to me. I said sure. He said he had changed his mind and didn't want to separate. He was going to try to work on some things himself. I was relieved but skeptical.
Sure enough, from Sept to Dec. he was either very distant, or calling me every couple of hours. When he came home for the holidays, he first of all didn't want to go to my brothers house party. I said fine I'll go myself. Then he called me back and said he'd go. He just didn't want to be a bother to me. I told him that was ridiculous. He continued to try to pick fights with me. Unfortunately, We had two kind of heated discussions. I wouldn't say drag out fights, but they were not normal discussions. Then one evening when we went to bed, I asked him if he felt there would ever be any intimacy in our R in the future, b/c there hasn't been any on his part for a long time. He said that that was my fault b/c when we first got married, I one time turned him down and cried about it.
I told him I was probably exhausted trying to be a new wife, mom, working, etc. and I apologized if I hurt him. It wasn't my intention. But if he still resented that from over 25 yrs ago, then we had a problem.
The week turned out terrible. He left asking me what we should do. I said, you need to look at how you are feeling and your resentment b/c I do not have those feelings inside of me. I told him that if I had hurt him in the past it wasn't intentional and I was sorry. He said, he doesn't believe in sorry, things happen and you just have to move on.
He left the next day ( a day early) and got out of the car and didn't kiss me goodbye. I visited him in Jan. and that is when we had the fight and he hasn't talk to me since.
I realize now that I probably shouldn't have brought up our R and intimacy issues. Hindsight is 20/20.
I'm interested in your statement, he is what I call a vanisher. Can you expand on that? In your opinion, what makes someone a vanisher? Just trying to understand. I think I read a post that was all about trying to get answers- understanding the "why". I know I may never fully understand, b/c I don't think anyone truly understands why we sometimes do crazy things.
It is someone who just disappears and is never heard from again, this could be from the depression. They have no energy to talk to you and it is too painful for them, which has nothing to do with you.
Lord almighty this is a tough spot. I'm so sorry. No one is on the DB forums because things are peachy, yet this is very sad. I don't mean to make it worse, only validate that your 31 years together are so precious, even if they were volatile at times.
Hello gr8ful3,
Oh my, I can't imagine what you are going thru. My W and I have been M almost 14 years, she left me and filed for D 7 months and I am still hurting. But with the help of these wonderful people on the forum, I feel myself getting a little stronger day by day. Zues, amongst many others, have given me "golden" advice.
Try to post as much detail as you can. I know it gets tough to do as life gets in the way, but it will really help us help you.
*Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Had a busy weekend. My S graduated from University on Tuesday. Such a wonderful milestone for him. My H is out of the country for work and did not attend. I did not bring it up to my S this weekend and he didn't say anything about his dad not being there. Not sure if I should say anything or just let it go.
I try not to say anything too negative about their dad. I tell the kids that although we are having some problems their dad loves them. The other day my D received a text from my H and she said b4 she texted back that she should be mad at her dad. I said something like that wouldn't make things any better for your dad and that what was going on with us shouldn't affect your relationship with your dad. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to say?
My daughter also told me that my H said he was going to come and visit her this summer. She asked him if he planned to talk to me when he was in town. He said he'd think about it. Is it bad that my D brings that up? Do you think my H thinks I'm putting her up to it? Should I tell my kids not to bring me up when they talk to their dad? not sure what is best?
Feeling sort of sad that We did not have a family celebration for S's graduation.
Feeling sort of sad that We did not have a family celebration for S's graduation.
Hello gr8ful3,
That is very understandable. I have been thinking about you.
Maybe you will find some comfort in this verse I came across today:
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).
We are here for you!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thank you Bob723, I appreciate all advice and suggested prayer. Having a very sad day today. Good thing is they are not happening as frequently. But when they do, I'm much more mindful of their effects.
