I'm not in it. I still have some of my dignity at this point. If I continue to enable this, I will be stripped of what little dignity is left. Thanks for the insight everyone.
She just came home, sweet as pie. Offered to make dinner. I declined. (I ate earlier without her). She offered me a cupcake. I declined. Went up to fold laundry and she comes up and starts folding my shirts. Unbelievable. What part of "you make me sick" doesn't she understand?
I wasn't mean during any of this. Just short responses.
Last edited by ralphy; 05/25/1501:28 AM. Reason: typos
She just came home, sweet as pie. Offered to make dinner. I declined. (I ate earlier without her). She offered me a cupcake. I declined. Went up to fold laundry and she comes up and starts folding my shirts. Unbelievable. What part of "you make me sick" doesn't she understand?
I wasn't mean during any of this. Just short responses.
I think we all go through the "you make my skin crawl" stage. Perfectly natural IMO. Let the dust settle for a few days.
Remember, as I also need to remember detachment isn't angry. Detachment is you are moving on with your life. With or without your W.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
W put D2 to bed last night. I went to the gym. When I came home, she apologized for the days events. She asked me about the gym and then asked me if I was really going to file D. I said "yes". I also told her we need to sit and talk details some time this week and figure out visitation, etc. so there are no repeats of what happened today.
She asked if I would give her 2 weeks before filing. I said that answering that would be giving her permission to have a boyfriend. She again talked about how she can't call it off with him due to her work project. I simply said "that's ridiculous".
She started crying and complimenting me, how good I look from working out, what a great dad I am. She never meant to hurt me. She apologized for making this be my fault at first. Then she gave me a huge hug, and cried on my shoulder for about 5 minutes. I didn't have the heart to pull away from her at that moment, so I let her cry.
This morning, she's back to being her current self. Running around huffy, acting like I'm in her way, etc. I hadn't said a word to her this morning, and she says "I have to think about this two week thing". I said "What two week thing?" She says "you told me last night that I have two weeks before you file". I said no such thing, and somehow she invented some kind of ultimatum I her head.
My guess is that she went to bed texting OM and he sweet talked her back down to earth and back to him. This is why I'm done.
I know I am failing miserably at the DB concepts, but I get so lost when she actually comes to me to talk rationally and compliments me and starts crying. How do I deal with this appropriately? I xan't just walk away from that can I? I don't want to be cruel and heartless.
I think you are better at the DB concepts than you think. If your wife is having this type of conversation then they say you should listen to her, mirror her convo so she knows you are listening and validate. This isn't one of the times to walk away.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I get so lost when she actually comes to me to talk rationally and compliments me and starts crying. How do I deal with this appropriately? I xan't just walk away from that can I? I don't want to be cruel and heartless.
If you're done and want a D then this shouldn't be an issue. I don't see how it's heartless to say "I understand this is painful but these are the consequences of the road you chose, and I agree that it was necessary as our M wasn't good for either of us."
If you don't feel that way and you don't want D but instead want your W to end the A and work on your M...well, filing D as an ultimatum isn't likely to get you what you want.
If you don't have a DB coach I'd get one TODAY. You've been registered here a week and are already taking actions that will have lifelong consequences to your family out of anger. Not the legacy I'd wish for you but that's probably why your W sought out another man in the first place. Up to you if you want to keep on this path or choose another. Good luck.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
After last night's nice talk and ending of the night, and then today her being cold and short with me, I'm so lost. Just about asked her what's wrong but stopped myself. Grilled brats for dinner. Not much if any conversation.
Someone quick smack me in the face so I can avoid the temptation to try and "talk" tonight. It's not the right time with her being in a bad mood, and I know it.
Keep doing your best and following the advice you've gotten on here Ralphy.
You're in a tough spot, the toughest of spots, so you have to dig deeper than you ever have before and be stronger than you've ever thought you'd have to.
But you can do it. STAY STRONG.
Do what's best for you tonight. It's one night, you can do it.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Listen- if you are going to follow your emotions, or your reactions to hers, you are going to go on a hell of an unpleasant ride that will lead nowhere but pain and destruction.
You need to figure out what your goal is, then create a strategy based on behavior you can control, then execute it flawlessly REGARDLESS of how you feel moment by moment.
At this point I can't see any consistency with your posts and they seem all emotionally driven. At what point do you take this situation seriously enough to demonstrate this type of discipline?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
For those of you following my original post, thank you for the advice. I have a few specific questions that I think will help with staying on the DB track. Admittedly, I have been having difficulty staying focused mainly because WW is all over the board, and is coming to me with things I'm not expecting.
First, she is an EA with a co-worker. He's on her "team" at work, and they are working together on a huge project. She just started her job 4 months ago. She can't ask to be moved without telling her boss why. She claims that she can't call it off with OM because of the project and her fear it will make the project uncomfortable. As ridiculous as I think this is, I in a way understand her justification. The project is supposedly over end of July. At that time OM is transferring departments and they will not we working together on a daily basis. He will still be in the same building though, so this is a separate issue for another time.
My wife has asked me to tolerate this until the end of July. This has been my response. "I will not give you permission to have a boyfriend until the end of July. You know where I stand. It needs to end NOW." "I cannot give you a timeline of when this will become something I can no longer tolerate. It could be tomorrow, or 2 weeks from now."
Is there a suggested response that you all can give me to this question?
Keep in mind that we both agree that her ending A will not fix our M. But it is the necessary first step.
