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I think I am having a wobble moment as evidence suggests he has started dating and seeing OW again.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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(((Smothy)))

We all have wobble moments. They get less frequent and less severe as time passes. Evidence suggests he has moved on Smothy. You will start to do the same in time. You either want to or you dont want to. Right now I am sensing that you dont want to.

I bet if you could you would shake your fists at me and have a tantrum that you "don't want to". I'm very sorry dear Smothy. But you are not going to get what you want. Certainly not that way. The only way you even have a chance at getting what you want is to grow through this. One day at a time.

I am sorry but I can't suggest anything else to you ease the pain other than forcing yourself to detach. Force yourself to not think of him or your situation. This does NOT turn off the lighthouse. Right now he is not even looking for a lighthouse anyway.

25 posted on my thread

"punishing someone by being angry at them is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes".

Yes - i realise being angry at him is not your problem here, but the same applies. Your lighting yourself on fire, and he is simply turning his back. Turn your back Smothy. He's not hurting you, you are.

You're stronger than you think you are.


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Hi Pyrite, I do want to as I know I need to for my own sanity. He has moved on, so must I.

I am the only one hurting here. And staying attached is hurting me. You words are so true.

I need to have the courage to jump off the rollercoaster.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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This has been going on for a long time yeah (2011?) - so i think maybe this has become ingrained into you more than you realise. you need to 180 Smothy. Get out of this rut.

This may be controversial but it may help you - get angry!! When I was younger (a teenager->20 something) I used to get angry after Rs on purpose to give me a sense of me, strength. Listening to Henry Rollins used to do it for me. Very angry man - or some of the musics is at least. Cosmic Psychos. Anything that works for you.

Forget being nice and forgiving for a bit. even if you get angry and bitter - you won't stay that way. 180 your **** out of this Smothy. Change your perspective. you dont want him back anyway until the pr**k begs.

Tell me more about the bad stuff. you have said before that things were less than ideal. Tell me what you will be glad to see the back of. How good it will be to have a partner that does/ or doesn't .........

coz thats what we are looking at. thats what he is going to have to bring to the party if he is going to get a 2nd, 3rd chance!

grrrrrrr mad mad mad


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I am angry with H. However, I know that I have hurt him deeply too and he needs to do this for him. I have said I will give him a Divorce with grace.

I have been thinking, despite knowing deep down, that our R is unhealthy, why do I want him back so much? The answer is my fear of failure, that I have failed in this!

I have failed to be the wife he needed, in the last year I was beginning g to turn this around, but it was not enough for him. I have failed in every relationship I have embarked on. H is my second serious R. I was engaged to the first for 5 years. I have failed in love and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

Pyrite, I can't be angry at him. (Though, sometimes I am, and have a hitting a pillow session). I know he loved me very much and put up a lot because of it. I just didn't see it until it was too late. I think is this realisation, that he gave me so much and I gave him so little that it hurts so much. I didn't think I was that person. I thought I was better than that.

I am crying now.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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Originally Posted By: Smothy
I am angry with H. However, I know that I have hurt him deeply too and he needs to do this for him. I have said I will give him a Divorce with grace.

I have been thinking, despite knowing deep down, that our R is unhealthy, why do I want him back so much? The answer is my fear of failure, that I have failed in this!

I have failed to be the wife he needed, in the last year I was beginning g to turn this around, but it was not enough for him. I have failed in every relationship I have embarked on. H is my second serious R. I was engaged to the first for 5 years. I have failed in love and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

Pyrite, I can't be angry at him. (Though, sometimes I am, and have a hitting a pillow session). I know he loved me very much and put up a lot because of it. I just didn't see it until it was too late. I think is this realisation, that he gave me so much and I gave him so little that it hurts so much. I didn't think I was that person. I thought I was better than that.

I am crying now.


I'm sorry Smothy. I am guilty of pushing you. I want see you out of this depression.

I share the same issue as you. Since BD, my 1st reaction was "I've finally done it. I've pushed her over the edge". And this was not wrong.

I'll post now so you that know i'm here and thinking of you, and writing more.


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Let me ask you something. You feel like you let him down and by extension yourself - how will you make this up to him?

I am still writing and deleting BTW. Are you still crying (((Smothy))) frown

You still haven't told me why the relationship was unhealthy. Was he an angel?

Remember the progress you had made? was that all wrong? I dont think so, I think you are just choosing forget because it doesn't fit your current agenda.


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I have felt exactly the same way. I still do. In my head I sometimes thank my W for ending it. For stopping me from hurting further. I forgive her and wish her all the happiness she deserves. There is nothing more I can do. There is nothing more that you can do.

Let go Smothy. It is the only way to find peace. Until you find peace you can't begin to heal. You have to heal to share your new found wisdom. In a sense you already have learned all the things you need to. You are Smothy-2.0, you just need to introduce her to the world.


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Smothy Offline OP
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Thank you, Pyrite. A big hug is what I need right now.

I am going to think about what you have said and to give myself some self care and will respond tomorrow.

Hugs to you too! :-)


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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Wobbles are like jelly. Eventually they stop. My day is Friday, as I use to look forward to it so much.

OK, so he's dating. That means he is just trying to get back at you or he is seriously not wanting any kind of reconciliation. You're not gonna know until you step off that jet and he sees you.

Remember, look your best (not easy after a flight), smell the best (ditto) and just act as if you don't know. From that point in, you can work it out as you go.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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