I won't say every single man who has had a WW is the nice-guy type, but from what I have read on the board over the years, it seems the majority of them are. They not only have the Nice Guy Syndrome, but many progressively became more passive in their MR. This is bad. Very bad!
As long as a man allows his W to treat him with this show of disrespect, he doesn't stand a chance of attracting her back into a meaningful relationship. I have talked so much on this one subject, b/c that is the foundation that a good MR is built upon. You lose her respect for you as a man, you open the door to the MR spiraling downward. (Some faster, some slower than others).
Listen to what she is saying!! I have experienced this! I am a Nice-Guy! Didn't used to be. I have allowed my WW to disrespect me and treat me poorly because of fear of losing her. Or fear of confrontation. This is no way for a man to live and what woman would be attracted to that. Just my 2 cents.
This is what my H said, and now he is not scared of losing me, so walking away. I wish I knew this earlier! He says he was walking on eggshells and can take no more if my emotional abuse.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
You take her by the arm, or throw her over your shoulder, or drag her to a private room to say what you need to say.
Well, there is a first for everything and this is where I beg to differ with Sandi2, vet or not vet. Personally I agree with W doing this because they get away with it. I say they because throwing these kinds of tantrums is a sign of weakness to me and I have never tried it or ever will as it's just not my thing and I have many times thought that "I can't believe they get away with it.."
So I agree on getting up in their faces and say enough is enough. But when it comes to putting someone over ones shoulder and so on, it's a slippery slope if you ask me.
You never know how W will react, maybe it's not with the shock and silent amazement. But it can be with hits, slaps or even worse behaviour and then you might have a domestic violence situation on your hands. I certainly wouldn't risk it and with with kids in the picture it's a definite no, in my world.
I have read about your weekend Huddy, when I've had a few moments to spear and I know it's so hurtful for you to go through this. Will read the rest but just wanted to say this..
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
When I say to throw her over your shoulder, for example, I am being a bit dramatic trying to get you to think more alpha. When I say "drag" her to another room, I don't mean literally drag her on the floor or by the hair.
This case, hopefully, was an example of the more extreme. In most cases, the H can tell his W, privately and speaking in authoritative manner, that he will not tolerate her crazy and out-of-control behavior in front of their children.
Ok, Sandi2..
Started writing my reply last night, fell asleep and sent it this and now as I've done so I see your post explaining how you meant in the previous post..
I'm with you all the way, angels sing I'm so with you..
All for the man showing that he wears the pants, and not letting W talk/scream/shout and show disrespect. We all should stand up for ourselves and show people that we are not standing for that kind of behaviour!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
I do stand up for myself. I don't allow my WW to speak to me like I'm something she stepped on. Has it made a difference? Idk. Should I 'up the anti' as Sandi has described? Aye, if I want the police at my door. And guess who's being escorted from the house? Take this piece of advice with a very large pinch of salt. By all means don't be trodden all over but remember there is a very fine line here.
Be careful.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I remember the look on my WW face when I stood up to her about a couple things after coming here. I did not yell or get mean. I calmly, but sternly told her I will not stand for this anymore and walked away. Was I worried about her taking off, yes. But I had to work past that fear. Once I did, it made a huge difference. I read a post on another forum from a guy that worked past this also. He said it helped him to picture what his life would be like if his wife left him after their last big fight. He wasn't picturing it because he wanted it to happen. But prepared himself. he knew that it would be tough, but also knew he would be okay. It is a good feeling once you start getting your balls back!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Sandi2's post has generated some traffic, but I think some of it might have been mis-interpreted as it's flown over the pond. I think the meat of this sandwich is that we have to be a bit more caveman (as in not being talked down to or bullied) rather than being the 'nice' person we have been throughout our relationship, as this hasn't/isn't doing us any good at the moment. It would be interesting to get Sandi2's general take on that.
Had a GAL meeting with a friend today who had relationship problems 3 years ago. In his case, a friend was telling his W that he was a control freak, and that she should leave him. Friend had managed to persuade his W of this and she decided to go, but at the last minuted decided to stay and work through their problems. His 'ordeal' lasted ten weeks, but it is interesting that whilst he had never heard of DB, his reactions/her reactions mirrored what I am going through right now.
I translated his experience to mine. He did the full needy thing at the start, then tried to get her to talk (what a surprise, she didn't want to talk - it's over), followed by acceptance she was going, but, also held out the lighthouse for her to return, which she did. As the friend was being receptive and the source of trust, to the detriment of the R (for me, read SIL) that person became the crutch for the whole sorry thing.
So, I feel I am following the right path. You could tell she was livid on my return, and has made a couple of snidey comments on my return, but I just went out and mowed the lawns, played with the kids and cooked some food.
I wish my ordeal was going to be over in two weeks, but, somehow, I doubt it.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Sandi2's post has generated some traffic, but I think some of it might have been mis-interpreted as it's flown over the pond. I think the meat of this sandwich is that we have to be a bit more caveman (as in not being talked down to or bullied) rather than being the 'nice' person we have been throughout our relationship, as this hasn't/isn't doing us any good at the moment. It would be interesting to get Sandi2's general take on that.
Had a GAL meeting with a friend today who had relationship problems 3 years ago. In his case, a friend was telling his W that he was a control freak, and that she should leave him. Friend had managed to persuade his W of this and she decided to go, but at the last minuted decided to stay and work through their problems. His 'ordeal' lasted ten weeks, but it is interesting that whilst he had never heard of DB, his reactions/her reactions mirrored what I am going through right now.
I translated his experience to mine. He did the full needy thing at the start, then tried to get her to talk (what a surprise, she didn't want to talk - it's over), followed by acceptance she was going, but, also held out the lighthouse for her to return, which she did. As the friend was being receptive and the source of trust, to the detriment of the R (for me, read SIL) that person became the crutch for the whole sorry thing.
So, I feel I am following the right path. You could tell she was livid on my return, and has made a couple of snidey comments on my return, but I just went out and mowed the lawns, played with the kids and cooked some food.
I wish my ordeal was going to be over in two weeks, but, somehow, I doubt it.
I hear you. I've read NMMNG and although I see quite a few traits of myself in there I don't really recognise myself. Having said that more than a few people have said I'm a NG so perhaps there is something in there after all. Thing is, I'm not a pushover. Sure, I am an easy going person but not a pushover.
So although I get sandi2's point I still feel there is a balance to be maintained. Sure, don't allow yourself to be walked all over but also be very careful on how far you are prepared to go.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I have never been physical in any way towards my W, never even shouted at her until this nonsense started, but I can see how she might see that I'm a pushover, if I let her get her way with everything.
So, at L tomorrow and I'm wondering if there is any way that L can suggest to W's L about counselling. I can just feel that somewhere in there is a desire to pull back, but as she's stubborn, and SIL is encouraging her onwards, she will never agree to anything I suggest, mainly out of pride.
Anybody any views on this or how to get a convo going, without breaking the persual rules?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I have never been physical in any way towards my W, never even shouted at her until this nonsense started, but I can see how she might see that I'm a pushover, if I let her get her way with everything.
So, at L tomorrow and I'm wondering if there is any way that L can suggest to W's L about counselling. I can just feel that somewhere in there is a desire to pull back, but as she's stubborn, and SIL is encouraging her onwards, she will never agree to anything I suggest, mainly out of pride.
Anybody any views on this or how to get a convo going, without breaking the persual rules?
no clue but would be interested to hear others opinions. My WW has been adamant from BD that there will be no R.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Anybody any views on this or how to get a convo going, without breaking the persual rules?
Hey Huddy,
I tought I'd check in on your situation. I'm sure your L can suggest it to her L, but, sad to say, that is probably as far as it will go. You may want to ask your L if it is worth the time, in his/her experience.
My W is under the influence of her Mom, so I understand tha point very, very well.
Hang tough, ok?
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
