Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
Just remember DB'ing is a big melting pot of things to try. "Do what works"...... Just building up your own new life isn't working so maybe it's time to try a little something else.

Please remind me of the 180's that you were thinking about.... (sorry my brain isn't functioning right now as I know you have stated your H's "complaints" before)


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Twin, after BD we talked quite a bit until I discovered DBing and stopped initiating contact. At this time, I made a list of what seemed to be in 'my box, his box and our box' to work on..

His?
Suppressing own needs & wishes to please others. "I'm a father, husband, employee - but who am I?"
Letting little problems build up into larger ones by not raising/tackling them
Not looking after himself & making himself happy
Long term feelings of "profound loneliness" - possible depression. His own family are in US and he misses them.
Feeling that he would have liked us to have a family together.

Mine?
Trying to be a perfect wife, stepmum, employee - rather than just being me
Not truly saying how I feel about things (eg: not always easy to step parent etc.)
Losing touch with my sense of fun - H described me as "buttoned up/corporate." Also, a bit too involved in 'organising' stuff - forgetting to just go with the flow....
Not understanding degree of H's unhappiness
Not dressing up/making the most of my assets (H feels I'm very attractive - would like to see me dress more provocatively)

Ours?
We have always been pretty 'low conflict' - both quite accommodating. We've both struggled to raise and resolve issues & we suppress things.
Our love life had become 'routine' - H described it as 'functional' - we lost spontaneity
Relationship has suffered from H working away 3 days/week, long commute & high pressure job - not much energy to do things
Realised we need to communicate better about deeper things.

For me a big 180 has been to not jump in and try to 'fix.' I realised that I tend to think I know best, and that's just crazy. I try to just listen more now.

I've also been working on my perfection tendencies. I try to go with the flow much more now and expect less of myself. I'm trying not to be so driven to 'get things done' and 'just be.'

I was never that sure about the provocative dressing comment, but I feel I look pretty good most of the time. I always put on make up and blow dry my hair and so on. I have changed my look to an extent, but nothing major and TBH I'm pretty happy with how I look.

Another big 180 has been the limited contact, brief and pleasant responses, responding not leading, sitting back, patience. All of this is huge for me!

And finally, I have become more outward looking. I feel I became quite insular with our family and stopped doing many social things. I have started doing that again and have met many new people since we S.

Does that help?? :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Hello, Toots. Had been keeping up to an extent while in Uganda but need to re-read to understand where things are at for you.

For now, I'm just really struck by how similar that list above is to what I would have written about me/us. Actually, I just pulled out my journal just now and am reminded that H said some of those exact things about me (he wants more fun/spontaneity, less "administration"). Makes me wonder if the whole "vanishing act" that you and I are faced with is just part of this dynamic. I mean, is NC just more of the same low conflict, non-deep communication? Last time I saw my H he did state that not having had a deep conversation in a long while was one of the reasons for staying his course.

I look forward to seeing if anyone has any ideas for you... It's tricky because we are both so close to filing time and I fear speeding up that process with a wrong move. Still, the NC hasn't really done much for us has it?


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Originally Posted By: Toots
I was never that sure about the provocative dressing comment, but I feel I look pretty good most of the time. I always put on make up and blow dry my hair and so on. I have changed my look to an extent, but nothing major and TBH I'm pretty happy with how I look.

Another big 180 has been the limited contact, brief and pleasant responses, responding not leading, sitting back, patience. All of this is huge for me!
Hi {{{Toots}}}

If you are happy with how you look, I think enough sais about that. Good for you!! grin

If my wife was happy with how she looked, I felt happy.

The limited contact is a big step, Toots. Yay for you!!

I was curious how yor weekend went, so I felt I had to check in. Also, (I hope you don't mind) I could use your expert advice. I posted in my thread about 15 minutes ago. I apologize for the brief hi-jacking of your thread.

Take care of yourself, Toots!

xoxo

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Hi Toots,

I just read your post in my thread. I am laughing so hard, you are a very funny woman. I love your wit!!

Yes, you did miss the party. And, the house is about as tidy it's been in months. So, you had great advice about that a few days ago and I get to benefit from a cleaner house. Yay!

How are you today, Toots? It seems like you have your sense of humor going strong today!! grin

I wish I could give you a real, friendy hug. I guess this will have to do:

{{{{{Toots}}}}}

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Thanks Bob - glad you like my jokes grin

I had a good day thanks. Bookstore this morning & a good chat with a new male friend.....he's a nice guy, and has asked if I'm dating right now & I said no - not now & likely not for a while.

This pm I drove up to see SS & his mum. Had an early dinner & a nice time. No news about H, other than she told me he seems to be having a tough time right now. The convo moved on & there were no further details.

I'm at my hotel now & will be working tomorrow....catch up soon! :-)

Last edited by Toots; 05/25/15 07:42 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
E
edz Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
Hi Toots

Firstly large hug from bft and I glad yesterday was a better one. It sounds to me like you're doing all the things you can and focussing on the most important thing "that works" and thats ensuring you are the best tootling toots you can be. With people, activities,work and all the small loves in your life that make it shine and affect you.

Sitches change, the direction well sometimes unpredictable (my last two months I would have laughed if someone wrote down and sent to me in January!) not the same I know and its also not always the outcome we would want which is why toots should put toots and mog first and then work on the rest exactly as you are doing (to mix my narrative forms all over the place!)

Hope you and mog are doing well day to day, take it easy my friend and thanks for your post on my thread smile

Edz & BFT


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Hi Toots!

Just popping by since you visited me today. Thanks for your comments. I agree with what Edz said above and I don't think I can say it better, so just know I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Take it one day at a time and hang in there. smile


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi all. Edz, thank you very much for your kind post. I felt very touched by what you wrote, and it helped me today. Often I feel that my sitch is 'so much worse than most.' But I'm sure many of us feel that. And the fact is, some sitches turn - some don't but some do... Plus I need to remember the rule to never give up hope no matter how dark or bleak things seem. And Dawn, thanks for stopping by - always good to hear from you - I admire your optimism and verve...

I've had a good day anyway. I'm enjoying my new working regime and had a nice night away in my hotel. I had a lovely room and they have agreed to book me into that one in coming weeks. I'll be there a night each week for the next little while. Work seems to be going well & I'm getting a couple of big new projects underway. A little texting to and fro with SS and his Mum - some jokes about last night & so on..nice...

All quiet on the sitch front. Emailed my L a week ago and haven't heard back from her. Will follow that up this week. Nothing from H at all - tho he was also gearing up with his L - to do what I'm not sure, but possibly filing for D. I'm off tomorrow and helping my Dad with a few things, and then yoga GAL later on. Catch up with you all soon xx


Last edited by Toots; 05/26/15 08:00 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Toots

Things move very slowly and you still stand for you.

That is ok, you know you can stand still in the silence and at peace. You can let H do the running on the D.

It's fine to be who you are, it's ok to be Toots, it's perfectly acceptable to satisfy yourself. You can grow in any direction, take your choices, decide to be any version of Toots you want to be.

This is your power and it belongs to you.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard