Pink's Journey # 2

[Ggrass]

Hey pink just keep doing what needs to be done, with time it gets easier it really does.

So come on let's get that pink party started!

[Bob723]

Hi Pink,

I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you.

Take care.

xoxo

Bob

[Pink17]

Beautiful Toots - I agree w/you and what H sees is someone that has peace inside and is just moving on. It's here that I spill all my frustration.

Lovely RD - I know that even this is an internet stuff and that you have no clue of who I might be or look like, you learned to care for us, for me. We have been in this journey around the same time and we have the same pain. You are very kind to me and I know I am very kind to you. Besides, life is full of surprises. And my mom just told me today that I should write a book about my life.

Uplifting GG - I always and probably forever I will think about you every time I put on my high heels. You are the best on girl front and I love you for that. You go Girl!

Caring Bob - I am so sorry I did not catch up on your thread yet. But I will. You always have that big hug to hold us tight and encourage us to keep moving. Thanks.

My friends, here are some text exchange w/H. If you can let me know what you think about this.

H (1:07pm) - Hi Pink - Please let me know if you made plans with our sons for the weekend and whether I can see them Saturday or Sunday. Thanks!

Me (2:11pm) - No big plans, just day stuff as we go, since the weather isn't helping. You can agree with them on the day or both days. If you have time for both days, please let me know so I can leave Saturday morning and come back Sunday night. Thanks JP.

H (2;13pm) - I am driving right now. I'll get back to you later.

H (5:52pm) - Pink - I will plan on seeing them on Saturday afternoon by 3pm and on Monday. I can cook brunch for them and spend the day together.

Me (6:47pm) - Just a question. Will you be around the city on Sunday?

H (6:52pm) - Yes.

Me ( 7:10pm) - So, If I am not around, could you be on call, just in case, or you rather not?

H (7:33pm) - Of Course.

Me (8:51pm) - Great. You're awesome. Thanks so much.

Today, H showed up by 3pm. I was finishing my shower and dressing up and he came upstairs. I had all my three doors locked. So, for sure he wouldn't get in. He went to S17 room to hang out there.

Once I came out, I said Hi and came downstairs, he came too right away. We started chatting and H spoke for about 1 and half hour about all what is going on in his work. I stopped everything I was doing and just listened to him, the whole time.

I just praised him, said how much he is working and how hard. Was not my usual sarcastic, did not criticized, did not give any opinion about anything. Just looked into his eyes and gave him all the attention in the world. He seems delighted. H is always crazy about work, it is his main thing in life.

When he was done, he asked me about my work, said some things but no details, just vague stuff, did not talk about R, M, OW, D, nothing.

H then sat at the living room because I was getting ready to leave, then he was there looking at me moving around like he never saw me before. I got the coat he gave me. Then he mention that he likes that coat and that makes me look even more beautiful. that it goes well with me.

I told him that the person who gave the coat knew me very well and that I love the coat, I think it is perfect for me and I just love it.

Said good bye, smiled and left.

H and the boys are going to eat out and then go to the movies to see the Avengers.

It is hard, but I did it, once again I stood tall and did it. I have this enormous peace inside of me today. I know he loves me, I can see that in his eyes, but then that is what I know, not what he knows, he wants me out of his life right now.

We will see. Later I will write about some other crazy I did today, not related to H, it is related to my past.

Love you all,
Pink

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, sounds like a good interaction with H. I like the dynamic of being there & truly present for a little while & then leaving on your own terms. Good idea keeping the door locked too! I listened to a TED talk on infidelity yesterday, which was helpful.

She said infidelity is normally not about being in search of a new partner. It is normally a search for 'self.' I think this is part of the reason most A's don't survive, because the mission isn't about finding a new R.

I think you should carry on in this vein, as long as you can do it and keep up your boundary and your good PMA. That is, no ML, tearful desperation and so on. I think you're doing great xx

[Vanilla]

Pink

Whether H loves Pink, is H business. Whether H loves the TauC is his business. How he weighs these things in his silly mixed up head his his business.

Tomorrow, it may be different, the day after that even more so.

Trying to follow WH and his emotions are going to drive you crazy loco.

What is important is how Pink feels, if she loves WH despite all that's OK, if she wants to stand for her M that's OK too. The one thing I do know is that Pink loves her sons x3 and she loves herself.

Letting go and detaching is about being you and stopping your emotional journey being dependent of WH and his doings, thinking and emotions. You still stand independent, still loving and still wanting an M but you let go of the outcome. You do that which works for Pink.

V

[Pink17]

Thanks Toots and Vanilla,

I always felt I am somewhat smart and learn stuff pretty easy, but detaching has been a very difficult thing for me.

Despite the fact that H is being a total idiot, repugnant and selfish, I am still thinking about him first, and then about everything else.

I say that I know I need to let go and that I need to have my plans and move forward with life, but I get myself stock on my emotional nightmare.

On Monday, it was Memorial Day Holiday and H came all smiles to the house to prepare branch for his family. It was my older son's birthday (21), the kids made some plans and did not want the breakfast.

They told H about it and did not invite him. Once the kids went to the backyard, H said he was sorry that he took so much of my time on Saturday. I said it was OK, then he start saying that he shouldn't be doing this, but he does it to show how much he cares.

I made this big mistake of saying to him that I also was sorry things between us are like this. That I know what I want and I want my family back, my M back. Then I asked what he wants, since he has all this mixed up messages.

He said that he does not know what he wants but he does not see himself married to me anymore. That many things happen and he is hurt and does not want to go back into the M anymore. That I did many things and the way he react to it and the way I react to the things he did, and that he can't see us together ever again as a couple. That he wants to be my friend forever.

H came and hugged me and cried. I got away and said to him that it will be done soon, that I did not stop the D and soon he will have his life, his freedom. H said that he has his life and has his freedom, that he does not feel he is married anymore.

I went upstairs and dress up nice, then like nothing bad happen, I left with my kids to celebrate S21's birthday and we all kind of ignore H. It is very upsetting, but it is my reality now.

I was doing good, and then I did this, I let him hurt me again. I really, really need to get more and more distance from him.

I realized I have a lot of work to do on myself, and the first one is to get a life. I am trying to stand up for myself, but I am doing everything in a mind set that is ... let's see what happens, instead of just doing things because it is for myself.

You are right and V, your words are very wise. Whatever he does is not my business. H could see that I was pulling off and not there for him, then he comes on Saturday to take the temperature and I fell for it. I was there for him, gave him more attention then what he deserves. Then on Monday, he finds the way to put the knife on my liver again.

Well, I will go again, and each time I think I am learning a little more that I need to let go. I will try to get myself busy, very busy. After some soul searching, I got to the conclusion that the only way to let go is GAL for real.

The busier I am, the easier it gets, so I need to engage in some different stuff. Sometimes it is hard because life is very busy as it is in a routine way. But I need to figure it out how to get myself doing things out of my comfort zone and let go of this maniac H that just wants to hurt me.

I am in search of new things, lets see what I do next.

Thanks for the kind words, love you.
Pink

[Sotto]

Hello lovely Pink

I'm so sorry that happened with H this weekend. As you say, you are learning, and you will get to the point where you don't fall into the mud poolvagain I'm sure.

I was reading another post in MLC just now, and I copied this good advice from it for you (I just changed the gender):

"The key for you is to keep to your path, but, remain open to the possibilities. He spooks when you move too close and panics when you move away. I know you feel like you are walking a tightrope."

I think sometimes you see the sitch too much in black and white - oh he may be open to reconciliation now - oh no, it's completely over for us. My guess is it is neither of the above, and you are just navigating through the muddy and treacherous waters of MLC. It is not yet evident which way things will ultimately go. You are still very much on the front line in your sitch.

There is a push pull dynamic going on as you can see. H comes on Saturday and wants to talk. You guys talk for a while and it is a good interaction. You get a little more hopeful and he gets a little spooked. Then your have your convo on the MOnday and BAm! He doesn't want you or the M. If you draw back again that will likely change as you know.

It's so hard, and I think you are doing so well my lovely friend. My face always lights up when I see you have posted. Do take care of yourself and leave H to wallow in his mud pool a while longer.

((((PINK))))

[Pink17]

Thanks Toots,

I have been thinking today that I really need to keep a good distance from H. He is like drinking a very low dosage of poison every time he comes around. It kills me slowly and painfully.

I also notice that this kind of interactions with H make my kids unsure, insecure and kind of hateful too. The fact that they do not want to be with him, is not just that they forgot him. It's because they are hurting and each time H plays happy family it just make things worse.

I don't even know why it hurts so much. Many times in the past, I felt like I had no problem letting go because H was very selfish (in my opinion at least) and I tough I did not need that in my life. Now, I really miss him.

Unfortunately, I have notice that the fact he chose someone else, is so heavy for me. Sometimes I feel like I am obsessing about this. I read a piece of paper where H wrote:

"Is it possible I found the woman of my dreams?"
"Is it true that I am the man of her dreams?"
"Is it possible that she loves me?"

It is like cutting my heart out. I feel jealous, humiliated, frustrated. Dealing with rejection has been a big deal for me and I get physically sick. And if you ask me, I know I need to let go and think about myself, and build a life for myself and all what I have been learning.

But if I am honest, I feel like I want to scream in his face that it was unfair after all what I went through. I worked hard and kept the family together while he was for 4 and half years doing his masters, building his new career.

And after holding on to the hard times, he just drops the M, his family like it is garbage. I want to walk the road I know best, and that is to hate him and never exchange a word with him, but that is the coward way. That is being my old me and I want to change that behavior.

And I really would like to understand better what is going on with him and there is no logical explanation. It's like you said, if I put some distance and treat him just like a neighbor, then he comes around being the most lovely man and giving me so much attention. Then, as soon as I get more comfortable and closer to him, then he throw in my face that he can't see himself married to me anymore, that we are doing the right thing getting divorced.

Now, what I need is to have some shame in my face. It is almost a year that he told me that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore, and this stupid game is still happening because I am stupid enough to allow it to happen.

I guess I have a lack of self esteem and no love for myself what so ever. Last Monday was hard, it hurt me a lot. Maybe I can learn the lesson by hurting like this.

I decide to stand up again Toots, it's a new day, I know I can change many things with time and patience. I don't see much hope right now, but I know I am reacting to what he told me on Monday. I am looking at my calendar and trying to figure what I can do for GAL during this summer/school vacation. I need to get very busy.

Love your words, thanks so much for helping me out.
I was not feeling too good today.

I am also missing RD a lot, he is someone very special for me.

Pink

[rd500]

Hi Pink. Forget what H said. He has not made any sense since any of this started and I would t believe anything from him.

Regardless of what he does its time for Pink to move on. You love this man and that's Pinks choice That's your heart speaking. For peace in your mi d you must let him go. ( FOR NOW). I. The future who knows what might happen with H but Pink needs to start a new chapter in her life.

I wish I could be there to hold you for a few minutes and reassure you that you will be happy again. You are loved by many people in this world and I think H loves you but cannot see it right now. Pink has a whole world waiting for her and fantastic times are ahead. You will look back one day and this will seem like a road you had to have travelled to reach where you will be.

This time is hard and the only way through it , is through it. The pain you feel is horrible but it will pass. You have 3 great kids and job you enjoy , passion in your soul and so much more. Count your blessings Cira , you are a very lucky person.

I want you to be happy and you have no idea how much I want to be there for you
We could sit in a nice restaurant and moan about our WAS to each other and I know the conversation would soon finish about them and we would talk about ourselves and the crazy things we have done in the past and the crazy things will we do in the future

Please think more positively , when your down remember the great times you've had , blue hair , leather jacket and blasting down the highway in the middle of the night !!!!!!

Tons of love and caring Pink ,your very special and I will get to meet you one day , you can take that as a promise or a threat !!!!!!!!

Huge hug ( count to 2 mins) and take care , Rd

[Pink17]

RD, my sweet RD,

I want that 2 min hug, and I think I got it. I felt smiling again, and it is because you always remind me that my life is good (maybe even better without H).

Maybe I am just being stubborn wanting the M so much when the truth is that my M was very bad for myself too. I was not happy in the M I had.

And I don't know if it would be better the other way around. H did not change much, the patterns are there, the selfishness is still there, and now there is all this pain, betrayals, kids feelings. It is a complete mess right now.

But you remind me of time where there was the stronger version of me, the one that had no fear and did not worry about love much. It was cool to remember. It was my "Bloody Hell" time and I won't ever forget it.

I was looking at the airlines ticket price to Dublin and guess what? It is about $1500 round trip, and that is no hotel, no meals, no car rental. I guess I need to wait a bit to go visit you. If I spend all that money now, my D will become a little complicated. So, it need to wait.

I have one complication that is gonna hit my life pretty crazy hard. I had someone in my life before my actual H, we did not get married but we lived together for a few years, in Singapure and Brasil. He is the father of my older boy (S21). On may 23rd, his birthday, I called him so he can finally meet his son.

I hope he did not die after my call, because he was really in shock. He is polish and live now in Poland. Now, I need to write an email to him with all my info and he will come to America.

And here we go, my life is a huge Tornado right now. There are debris flying all over the place. But I feel it is time to clean every aspect of my life and this is an important one.

Rd, you make me feel very positive, I read your words and I feel that you are right, there is life after the disaster.

By the way, do you believe in God?

Need to go, my car needs oil change, so driving to get S17 and to the dealer. Will write more later. Please, do not disappear on me again.

Huge hug (my 2 min back to you) and take care. I will tell the boys about the promise or threat. They will probably talk about it and start guessing what is the terror group you belong to.

Take care, need a go!
Pink