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maybe I misinterpreted!! strong possibility given my general understanding skills - sorry being negative about myself again - also working on some issues myself smile


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Originally Posted By: Pyrite
Originally Posted By: Smothy
Just read what i have written and it has hit me that I want to see some 'care' from H when I get back to the UK. In my head, if nothing has changed, the day I board the plane to my next post abroad is when I will be done.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I think the 7 weeks will be crucial for us, in how we move forward individually? Together? and that's one of the reason I was reluctant about looking to go away. We have not been in each other's presence for over 6 months. I know that I don't want to and can't be friends. H says that's what he wants us to be, It will be up to me and he will respect my decision.


Be very careful Smothy. I hope the best for you, but I am cautious/ skeptical. You have already been served. You have said several times that he avoids conflict. BD and the 1st few weeks was the biggest "conflict" i have ever experienced by many many orders of magnitude.

i'm not obsessive about avoiding conflict, but in hindsight, I wish my W was and did this from OS. I had serious health issues as a result of living at ground zero.

You still have to be the strongest, healthiest Smothy when you get back - so dont ....take a break from DBing.



This post, Pyrite. Hope you had a good time with the kids :-)


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I have just reread the light house story,

What if there are no waves are made? My H has been very reasonable, pleasant and cooperative in all his requests.

Do they still see you as the lighthouse, the beacon home?


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Hi Smoothy

I re read lighthouse yesterday. I think, in our case, we are leaving the door open, we're just not pushing it. What we're saying is that we are available to be with, but it has to be their choice, and that they have to realise they are lost.


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Originally Posted By: Smothy
Do they still see you as the lighthouse, the beacon home?

Yes,
However on there timeframe and schedule, not ours.

Just like a ship never radios the lighthouse that it is arriving on shore, it just shows up.


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If you don't tell them, how do they know you are there, open to reconcilation but not waiting.

Just spoke to friends today, and they are all saying move on, H has made his decision and won't come back. He is being civil because that's all he can be. The 'something' that made him want you is no longer there and I can't get it back.

Made me feel quite sad. I need to detach more!


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They'll say that because it's easier than listening to you plough through the ideas running through your mind.

It's sad. As LBH's we don't understand what's going on. But keep that lighthouse on. You don't have to beg, he knows you want him, but he has to make that decision. If you feel the need to move on, YOU can. It's up to YOU want him back once he's seen the light.


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hi Smothy,

awesome day with the kids smile.

When i read your post it gave me the impression that you are HEADING back to square one deliberately.

i agree the 7 weeks will be "crucial", but I am worried that you are getting you are getting your hopes up that:
a) YourH will change his mind from the moment he sees you
b) He will come around in the 7 weeks

you have already considered that if neither of these happen THEN you will accept that it is over. This strongly implies that you do not ACCEPT it now. Which makes it impossible for you to detach.

I don't want to suggest to you, or "force" you to ACCEPT that it is already over. In a way if this is what you have to do .....I can understand that. I can skeptically see that you are heading for a huge disappointment. I hope I am wrong.

It sounds like you are going to drop the rope on the DB front (or I should say the self-improving front or something because I don't mean actively "Busting the Divorce") and pick it up again after 7 weeks if necessary. Start all over again.

I'm sure your DB coach will have some sound advice for you.


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Originally Posted By: Smothy
If you don't tell them, how do they know you are there, open to reconcilation but not waiting.


i HAD this problem. I suppose they will know because they are looking for the lighthouse, or the lighthouse is clearly visible on the horizon. You shouldn't be aiming to tell them you are a lighthouse, with the door open, advertising a plan B.
Originally Posted By: Smothy

Just spoke to friends today, and they are all saying move on, H has made his decision and won't come back. He is being civil because that's all he can be. The 'something' that made him want you is no longer there and I can't get it back.


...and following from previous.... The 'something' that made him want you IS THERE.

That is Smothy. Sure it may have evolved over 20+ years, but it is there. I think what they are meaning is that this "thing" is no longer all powerful.

This is true in reverse for me. The thing that most attracted me to my W was her heart of gold, her purity, her honesty, genuine kindness and compassion. These things all seem obliterated now. And even if they are simply masked by this WW behaviour, then they are clearly not ALL powerful.

oops - have to run - ciao


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Originally Posted By: Pyrite
hi Smothy,

awesome day with the kids smile.

When i read your post it gave me the impression that you are HEADING back to square one deliberately.

i agree the 7 weeks will be "crucial", but I am worried that you are getting you are getting your hopes up that:
a) YourH will change his mind from the moment he sees you
b) He will come around in the 7 weeks

you have already considered that if neither of these happen THEN you will accept that it is over. This strongly implies that you do not ACCEPT it now. Which makes it impossible for you to detach.

I don't want to suggest to you, or "force" you to ACCEPT that it is already over. In a way if this is what you have to do .....I can understand that. I can skeptically see that you are heading for a huge disappointment. I hope I am wrong.

It sounds like you are going to drop the rope on the DB front (or I should say the self-improving front or something because I don't mean actively "Busting the Divorce") and pick it up again after 7 weeks if necessary. Start all over again.

I'm sure your DB coach will have some sound advice for you.


I feel more attached than detached this week. It's S birthday and it would also be our wedding anniversary so feeling anxious. I know when anxiety hits, the acceptance of my reality is low.

You are right, that I am having difficulty in accepting this. H and I are getting a Divorce. He has served me and we are waiting for the next stage. The reality is there!

I am losing touch with reality and having huge expectations for when I get back, thank you for this reality check. I needed it.

I have made plans for GAL when back in the UK to help in my detachment.
Thank you, Pyrite.

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