My husband and I have not talked in over 4 months. The road that got us where we are today is very long and complicated. He has been living in another state because of a job he took 3 years ago. Our R has been rocky for about the past year. We have also had previous issues in our M about 12 years ago. I actually used DB during that time and we were able to get through it.
Just wondering if I should try to begin a conversation with him or wait for him to make the first move. In the past 4 months, I have texted him twice and left one VM on his phone, but he hasn't responded. He sent me an email in April after he signed our tax documents that said he was going to call me in a couple of days because it was time for us to "sort things out". I never answered that email and he never called me. It is now almost the end of May.
There is one additional time that he sent an email to me and our children to let us know that his dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I answered that email by saying how sorry I was for his news and to let me know if there was anyway I could help. So I know he has a lot on his plate right now.
He talks to our kids and they told me that he is going to be traveling overseas for his job and will be gone for about 6 weeks. Should I try to contact him before he leaves or should I wait for him to contact me?
Has anyone gone dark for a long period of time? Just don't want to be doing something that is not working, yet haven't gotten a response previously when I tried to make contact.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Lord almighty this is a tough spot. I'm so sorry. No one is on the DB forums because things are peachy, yet this is very sad. I don't mean to make it worse, only validate that your 31 years together are so precious, even if they were volatile at times.
I'm not sure you have much of a choice. If he's non-responsive then it really limits your options. You can't force him to communicate. The only question is how many unanswered messages you want to send to him.
What I WOULD recommend is a DB coach. They might guide you into a specific course of action that may not be mainstream (such as writing him a letter that addresses the core of your faults in the M without pursuit, judgment, or expectation), or other tools they have. Most people skim over this, but truly the DB coaches have seen these situations literally thousands of times and know what works and what doesn't in practice, not just theory.
Beyond that I'd recommend reading Cadet's links and of course DB/DR. No quick fixes, and you will need to detach and really learn to rebuild your own life while your H takes his journey.
Keep posting, and it would probably be good to talk to your marital history a bit. Hang in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you Zeus, it is so sad. It is so difficult for me to understand how someone can tell you one minute they love you and how much you are appreciated, how much you give and do for your family and in a matter of a few month, you are the enemy, you're not even worth a text or a phone call. You basically no longer exist. It blows my mind!
Old Dog,
He has not yet dropped the bomb. I thought he was going to do it in April, when he sent me an email telling me he was going to call me next week because we had to "sort things out" but he never called.
I know I need to be ready with a conversation when he does finally make contact. I guess that's where a DB coach may be able to help, because I'm certainly not saying the right things even though I've tried many times in many different ways.
We went through a similar R crisis about 13 years ago when he went through a MLC. Had an EA with a woman he bought a restaurant with. The restaurant folded and the EA ended. It took us over 5 years to work through that sitch. I worked the original DB and am familiar with the program. But I don't think I did very well with boundaries. Allowed my H to take a job where he was traveling extensively for about 5 years after the restaurant went under and when that ended agreed to let him move to another state to take a job b/c I feared he would be resentful if I asked him not to take the job and stay.
Our current sitch seems to have started when he wanted to buy a house in the other state and I questioned the logic in that if his intent was to find another job and move back home. My understand when he took the job was that it was temporary until he could find something else. He said this was his dream job and he planned to stay another 5 years at least so he was sick of living in an apartment and wanted his own space.
I told him it made me nervous that he wasn't considering coming home for another 5 years he said what do you want me to do? I'm not giving up my job. What is the solution?
After that it gets even more complicated, but this is where I believe the original breakdown occurred.
Sorry, I kind of went on and on.
Any insights from a male perspective would be greatly appreciated. I know the job thing is super important to a male's respect level, etc.
Thank you Zeus, it is so sad. It is so difficult for me to understand how someone can tell you one minute they love you and how much you are appreciated, how much you give and do for your family and in a matter of a few month, you are the enemy, you're not even worth a text or a phone call. You basically no longer exist. It blows my mind!
What makes you think this is about you, he sounds depressed, and he is what I call a vanisher.
Stop focusing on him and worry about YOU. You didn't break him and can not fix him.
You are right Cadet, it isn't about me. That has been the hardest thing for me to get through my head. So used to "making everything better " and taking everything on myself.
Thanks for the reminder. Keep reminding me if I slip again.
He is depressed and has been for sometime. Part of it has to do with changes to his body, fear of getting old and facing the death of his father and the aging of his mother. Lots of guilt for moving away from them.
I'm interested in your statement, he is what I call a vanisher. Can you expand on that? In your opinion, what makes someone a vanisher? Just trying to understand. I think I read a post that was all about trying to get answers- understanding the "why". I know I may never fully understand, b/c I don't think anyone truly understands why we sometimes do crazy things.
Thank you again for the words of wisdom. It will be my affirmation this week.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
