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Originally Posted By: ralphy
Tonight I decided it's still early enough in all this that I can make some "intentional mistakes". Our discussion went ok. I learned that OM's wife now knows about the affair. I couldn't be happier. This adds another level to all this and puts another roadblock in their way. Now he will have to deal with that.

It could also lead to them both leaving and starting a new life together. If it happens, so be it. But they've only known each other 3 months so doing so would be pretty stupid.


Hello ralphy - I'm sorry you're here but I hope that you take the advice here to heart and come out better on the other side.

In any case, I wouldn't put too much stock in the OM's W. The OM is in the same position as your W then, and if I understand correctly, she isn't changing her behavior yet, right? It may be good, but there's also that sense of "forbiddenness" that has some appeal. I'm not saying it's definitely bad, but I wouldn't focus your energies on the A and the OM.

Now is the time to really worry about you. It's time to grow into the man only a fool would leave. The more you think about the OM and snoop and pry, the more she will be driven that way. Instead, reflect on YOU and make the changes in yourself that will turn you into a person your W wouldn't want to leave. But do it for you...with no expectation that she will actually stay.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey through this. Keep posting!


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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I agree with Ralphy

Don't worry about them, put the focus on you my friend.

You are what's important here, you and your kids.

Best


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ralphy Offline OP
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Just got a random FB message from a theater director friend of ours that they want me for a part in a show. W and I do the at her together. It's more a hobby for me, but it's a passion for her.

In any other scenario, I would have declined due to work committments, and general apathy, but given my current need to GAL, I accepted. W seems a little jealous that they didn't ask her. Feels pretty good to get that message from the director out of the blue.


Me: 39y/o male
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That is awesome Ralphy.

I think that the more you start to focus on you, the more you will realize how much YOU have neglected YOU. Do the things you want, have some fun, enJoy your life to the fullest.

It all sounds trite or blah, blah, blah when you hear it...but really, what do you have to lose by having a good time?


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Originally Posted By: ralphy
Just got a random FB message from a theater director friend of ours that they want me for a part in a show. W and I do the at her together. It's more a hobby for me, but it's a passion for her.

In any other scenario, I would have declined due to work committments, and general apathy, but given my current need to GAL, I accepted. W seems a little jealous that they didn't ask her. Feels pretty good to get that message from the director out of the blue.


Nice. Enjoy. Glad you picked up the mantle on that one. Should be a lot of fun. Funny how things just drop onto your lap like that.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
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Big blow out today. We got up and started getting ready to go to church. Funny how W still can set foot in there but I try to keep an open mind that it might help. Anyway, she's obviously getting ready very slowly, and she's getting a little more "ready" than usual...pulling out jewelry, full makeup, and 5 minutes AFTER we should have left, she pulls out her curling iron. It's obvious at this point 1) she has no intention of going to church today, and 2) she's got other plans. She told me after church she was going to get a pedicure and run some shopping errands. She's getting waaaay over-rated for those plans. While she was gone, I planned to take D2 to the pool.

Anyway, given the circumstances, I point blank said "tell me you're not seeing him today." She then admitted she was. I told her at this point it's over. Sick of the lies, sick of the deceit, sick of being the doormat. I told her to have fun on her date and headed out with D2 to go see my parents. I felt it was time they knew. I asked when she wanted D2 home. She didn't respond, so I said I'd be home later and was going to my parents.

On the way she texted me asking when I would be home! I used voice text and said "Driving. If you want to talk, call me like an adult." I then called my mom to let her know we were coming. Mom was on her way to my niece's volleyball tournament, so I told her I'd meet her there. Got to the gym, and no calls or texts from W, so now I'm stopped in the parking lot and sent her a text letting her know I was going to the game.

Now I'm in a loud gym with about 12 volleyball games going on and about 200 teenagers laughing and playing volleyball. I watch my niece's first game (took about 30 minutes). D2 is sound asleep on my shoulder the whole time. Game is over, and I look at my phone...15 text messages and 10 missed calls. W is saying I had no business changing plans and not going to my parents. My mom was at the game with me. Implying I was ignoring her calls, she was worried I took D2 and wouldn't bring her back, etc.

I called her back, told her to relax, and stop trying to make a legal case out of this. She proceeds to throw the line she always does..."I don't know if we can save this, you're hurting your chances, etc." I told her she makes me sick. I told her I don't want to save this anymore. I told her it's time I think of ME and our daughter. I told her to grow up and be a mom, not a 20 year old.

She started with the "when are you bringing my daughter home" line, so I said "right now", and went home. I told her that I was going back out. Can't stay here right now, can't stand the sight of her. She says she's going to get a pedicure. So I brought D2 home so she could leave to get a pedicure and go on her date. Nice.

I told her this week we need to talk custody/visitation details and how this will work. I am NOT moving out. She agreed.

Then she asks if I need anything from the store. "No, if I need something, I'll buy it." Then she asks (really) if I want to go to lunch. I simply said "I don't think that's a good idea". Then (really), she says when she comes home, she'll make dinner for us. I said "no thanks".

She left, and I took D2 to the pool. D2 is napping now, and here I am.

I''m done. I'm through trying to save this. And in a strange way, I'm in a good mood. Just wish I didn't have to be here when she gets home.


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I left out that during this, she had the audacity to say to me "at least I'm being honest with you about him". I said "you're not being honest, you're answering a question honestly. There's a huge difference."


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Wife: 35y/o
1 daughter, 2y/o
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All this, by the way is 180 for me. I used to cry in front of her. I used to ask more questions, I used to basically beg. Not planning on staying in tonight. I'll find something to do after D2 goes to bed.


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Wife: 35y/o
1 daughter, 2y/o
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Hey mate. I get anger: I do. I did the same thing today. It's not helping. It's not a 180. We both backslid today.
Peace.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,647
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Just to add to what NDY said.

The thing that I love about the DBing process is that at any time, the LBS can choose when it's over. The door is always there to say "I agree. I'm done. Let's split." And if today's result is enough to put you through that door, then I wish you all the best.

If not, and you truly want to stay M, then NDY is right. Getting angry doesn't help. It's not necessarily worse than crying, but it's also not really the 180 that you want to be portraying. You want to stay calm, cool and detached. On the inside you can be LIVID and DEVASTATED at your W's behavior - I'm sure I would be. But what you need to show her is that it doesn't bother you - that you've moved on beyond caring about her frivolous engagements.

I'm sure someone else will come in that's more eloquent than I am that can give you advice about what to do from here. But I think first and foremost, you really need to decide if you are in this or not. And know that if you are in it, things will likely get worse before they get better.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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