Is SIL a lawyer? Is this something they are preparing for the lawyer or judge? And did you say the document (that said W was running off with the kids) was laying in plain sight where you could find it?
I don't know your laws and can't advise you there, but I can advise you to stop with the olive branch stuff, b/c it won't work with her. And the more you bring up the subject of how this effects the kids, the more vindictive she will get. You guys forget this is not the gal you use to know. She will not react like she once would when trying to have a heart to heart.
It's very tough when you can't hire a shark lawyer, but get the best you can get and one who will fight for the father's rights. Your lawyer said it would be a good thing if she ran with the kids, but did he explain? Maybe that would hang her legally? IDK, but you cannot feel bad about pursuing legally. She has removed herself from under your protection as her H, so don't hold back in getting your kids. Know what I mean? Believe me, she won't have a problem sticking it to you!
Do not tell your W or family what your plan is, what your lawyer will do, or anything that will tip your hand. The less she knows, the better.
At the moment, it is not about saving the M as much as it is about protecting yourself and your kids. That must be your priority. You can focus on other things later. If you mix all these feelings about her, the MR, busting the D, and what steps to make legally........it is just too much. By all means, pleae keep posting. I am not suggesting you need to leave here! Just take one major issue at a time, and deal with the most pressing & current problem now. We just cannot take care of all problems at once.
It has been my experience here to see that the LBH'S can become paralyzed with the fear of D or S. That fear becomes the controlling factor of their behavior and actions. That is why they will resort to one more R talk, one more plea, one more attempt to reason with her......b/c they want her to just tell him she will give him another chance. That's all he wants to hear. If he can move past that fear of her not giving him a chance to prove how much better the M could be........then both of them actually stand a better chance of getting back together later.
I hope all of you can accept that this won't come about by taking those supplicating avenues. If she is wayward, supplication is the last thing she needs to see in her LBH.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi NDY/Smoothy/Pyrite (I'll post to Sandi2 in a minute!)
I know, it sounded panic stricken this morning. I went into a bit of a meltdown (no tears, but pacing all over the house) but I realise she can't do anything today, so it can wait until I see the L on Tuesday.
Smoothy, because of my income level (I am the main provider in the house and have a very reasonable wage) I can't get legal aid and the CAB list is like a wallpaper offcut. So, I'm on my own as I have no savings and no family to run to. But, I'd rather be broke than without my kids.
Pyrite. She's running because I think she has no other option in her WW brain. She has no plans for supporting herself or anything, so it's a day to day thing. SIL letter might be a game plan, but the fact it has so much detail in it suggests that it's going to happen.
I'll continue in my reply to Sandi2.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
No, SIL is not an L, she is somebody I turned to at first to help me and she has just become a knife wielding, back stabbing, misery loving b****. She has become my W's main support. Before BD they talked to each other every two weeks, now the phone is rarely out of W's hand.
She came back this afternoon and started a fight over S's birthday cake. Didn't play, so walked to supermarket to get some cream. I've done my own washing, so when I came back, I went outside to bring it in. Asked W not to argue in front of S as it's his birthday.
W launched into a tirade about me not being reasonable about selling the house. Told her I was seeing L next week and we'd talk about it then. W kept trying to argue so I blurted out that I had taken my ring off, she was free to do what she wanted, I deserve better treatment than this and the only thing I cared about now was the kids.
OK, so I've probably destroyed any chance of reconciliation, right? But I just can't take this bile coming out of her mouth at every turn. W launched into another tirade about me not getting my own bank account and how she wanted to deal with the finances whilst we were still living in the same house etc. (not a prayer) and I told her she didn't control me anymore, we are done, and you should be really happy as this is what you want.
Then it happened again. She went into meltdown. Crying, screeching like a baby. My D who was there wanted me to hug mummy, but I can't do that as it's just for effect. She then said she was so frustrated. I told her we could have talked, but you rejected it. I told her (OK, mistake here Sandi2) the door was still open for talking, but it was up to her.
Thoughts? Have I blown it? I never mentioned what I know, and won't be telling SD - it's just for the lawyers.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Ok, I'm not a vet and like you I hang on every word Sandi2 posts. I wish she had the time to visit my house(Sandi, yes, that hint was as subtle has getting hit in the face with a brick).
Originally Posted By: Huddy
She came back this afternoon and started a fight over S's birthday cake. Didn't play, so walked to supermarket to get some cream. I've done my own washing, so when I came back, I went outside to bring it in. Asked W not to argue in front of S as it's his birthday.
Good job. Don't let her get to you. This was the correct move as far as I'm concerned.
Quote:
W launched into a tirade about me not being reasonable about selling the house. Told her I was seeing L next week and we'd talk about it then. W kept trying to argue so I blurted out that I had taken my ring off, she was free to do what she wanted, I deserve better treatment than this and the only thing I cared about now was the kids.
In what way are you being unreasonable? Curious because as far as I've followed your story you have been more than reasonable, just not playing to her tune. Protect yourself and the kids first. Your wife isn't part of that equation as she fired you as her H.
Quote:
OK, so I've probably destroyed any chance of reconciliation, right? But I just can't take this bile coming out of her mouth at every turn. W launched into another tirade about me not getting my own bank account and how she wanted to deal with the finances whilst we were still living in the same house etc. (not a prayer) and I told her she didn't control me anymore, we are done, and you should be really happy as this is what you want.
NO, you haven't. Remember my position just 2 weeks ago? My WW was spewing all over the place, hated my guts. Now we are actually being reasonable with each other. Baby steps and all that. Like I said before it can and most likely will get worse before it gets better.
Quote:
Then it happened again. She went into meltdown. Crying, screeching like a baby. My D who was there wanted me to hug mummy, but I can't do that as it's just for effect. She then said she was so frustrated. I told her we could have talked, but you rejected it. I told her (OK, mistake here Sandi2) the door was still open for talking, but it was up to her.
Where is the frustration coming from? Is the process not as smooth or as quick as she would have hoped? Only thing I can say here is make sure your actions aren't in anyway trying to control your W. For example, whats the deal with the bank accounts? Why is this important to her? Listen to what she is really telling you here. Im also not convinced that letting her know the door is always open is wrong. From what I've learned here one of the skills is to leave the path smooth for coming back. Have you read the lighthouse story from cadets homework assignments?
Quote:
Thoughts? Have I blown it? I never mentioned what I know, and won't be telling SD - it's just for the lawyers.
No, you haven't blown it. Marathon, remember?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Weekends are the worst! I always have a wobble Friday afternoon, then I have to try and relearn everything again from my own thread. Everything you've said, I know. I suppose I just need reassurance.
This forum gives me a great outlet and journaling experience. I'm trying to deal with three problems from the same person at the same time, so prioritising can be difficult.
She's a WW, so at the moment she's playing with the kids. I'm being unreasonable because I won't pick the first agent she has selected and because I won't sell until I've seen the L.
I remember your position. Yeah, that seemed harsh at the time, but has calmed down. It's probably still a bit of fear, not of M but of kids. Will work on that.
I will re-read lighthouse. I'm not trying to control her, just trying to separate things out if the worst comes to pass.
I've left the door open, just not with my hand.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Nobody said this was going to be easy. Trust me, when we meet for a pint, and we will I will tell you things you will not believe about my WW.
I know the weekends are hard. Want to know what I'm doing right now? I'm going to a meet up. Don't want to go, but I also know I need to do this for me. I have to GAL. Funny, GAL is meant to be fun but so far this isn't fun. Want to know why? Fear. So I need to overcome that fear. I will be fine. I'm a fun guy to be around but this is the sort of thing we need to face now. Life without the W. Get my drift?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Yeah, worse case scenario, you have to do the meeting thing all over again. The fear is the unknown. OK, so I'm doing LRT, made bold statements about go your own way and things like that, but I don't really want her to go. But she's not the same person. She's treating me like s***.
I have to keep practicing Sandi2's rules and LRT for myself.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Forgot to say, I re read lighthouse and that seems clear you leave the path open, you let them know it's there, they just have to find it themselves.
So, I have said we can talk if she wants, but I'm not pushing it. I'm there if she wants.
Actions, not words. Words don't mean jack to your W.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
