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I'm totally new to this,so please excuse me if I'm doing it all wrong.

My husband of 23 years (known him 28) told me 2 weeks ago that that he is "done". He is 47 and I believe having a mlc, of course I would never tell him that. He just wants to blame me for everything right now and when I talk all he does is talk over me and tell me I'm wrong.

I have asked him to go to counseling. He said he doesn't need a stranger to tell him anything about how he feels or where he went wrong.

He says he loves me and will never divorce me but he has to figure out what makes him happy. This week he started taking more money our of our household account to find his happy.

We have a 23 year old daughter, who actually works with him at this time and a 17 year old son. My son is taking this so hard. He cried his eyes out the last time he talked to his dad. He doesn't understand why his dad is acting like everything is "Great" even though he told him he wasn't coming home for awhile.

I'm trying my best to understand and support him but he is so hurtful at times. I have been snooping these boards for about a week and now I'm ready to jump in and get some advice from more knowledgeable others. LOL that's what we say in education!


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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Hello teach. I'm so sorry you're here, but you're in the right place.

Have you read DB or DR? I'd start there, because the information and advice you get from here will be so much more meaningful after you've read one of those.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

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I'm so very sorry to hear about your situation and that your children are involved and unhappy, too.

I know that my H didn't think his children would be upset - so he told his daughter (I have been my stepdaughter's mom for years) that we had a trial separation (not true), and my SD had a complete breakdown. They become complete narcissists when they are in this mode. Has your H moved out?

I am also very new to DB'ing, but I ran a stepfamily support board for many years, and the financial situation you describe, would make me run to an attorney to find out exactly what your rights and options are. Doesn't mean you have to do anything, but knowledge is power. I know that part of the reason my H put the brakes on and is now trying to work on our M with a DB counselor, is because I saw a very good attorney and told him what his situation would be if he decided to dump me. I told him very calmly, just like an FYI. It was quite the reality check for him, and pulled him back down on the ground.

This board has tons of great information. I have gotten a lot out of the pinned posts from the links in Cadet's welcome post. I keep revisiting the post so I can read the links over time, they take some time to digest.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
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Haven't read the books yet, but they are on my list. I plan on signing up for coaching sessions also. I just want to try everything I can to keep my family together.


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Thank ya'll for taking the time to reply.

Painter, My husband has always worked away. He is in Canada right now. He should have been coming home in a couple of weeks for our family vacation, but now says he isn't coming home until the end of this job in August.

He has become a complete narcissist in just 2 weeks. I'm trying my best not to bite on anything he says. My favorite line "You don't know me." Only since he was 18. He is 47.

Your advice on a lawyer is sound and I'm sure I will have to find out all my rights. Knowledge is power!

In the meantime, I'm going to read this forum, the books, and sign up for the coaching sessions-with his money! ;-)


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Hey teach, glad you're here.

I second reading DB/DR. It really demonstrates why a M is worth saving. More than that, it talks to how little we can change our spouse, but how much we can change the dynamic by changing ourselves.

I won't tell you not to see a L. What I will tell you is that the urge to "do something" isn't your friend. You will need to be very, very patient. That doesn't mean you never take any action. It means you don't react emotionally, and usually pray and meditate for weeks before making big decisions. The stakes are too high to make flippant decisions. Are you telling H you're consulting a L? If not, how do you suppose he'd take it if he found out you had and hadn't told him? If so, how are you going to explain it? Just make sure you have very good answers to these questions or you might inadvertently escalate the situation.

Getting back to patience, let me ask you this- how long could you stand by your M if your H continued to act this way? Not having an A, not doing anything super destructive...just being a bit off the walls. A week? A month? A year? Forever? Just curious. This may take longer than you like, but the rest of your life is a long time and the years you have together can never be replaced. There is no way to avoid a difficult journey, so I urge you to start thinking of this a long hike and not something that you're going to 'fix' anytime soon. This may be the next stage of your life for a while. I ask because I find making a mental commitment to a block of time (for example, 'no matter what I'll stand by my M for a minimum of one year') makes it somewhat easier. Because then you aren't doing it for him, you're doing it for you.

Anyway, keep posting and take care teach.


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Just want to clarify that the only reason I suggested a lawyer at this point, is because OP said he is taking joint family funds to finance his new lifestyle. If that becomes a problem, it would be vital to know what she can and cannot do. Nothing escalates a situation as arguments about money...

Personally, I consulted an attorney because H tried to tell me I had no rights to our home. I also found out that he had actually retained a lawyer months earlier... Many surprises along the way!


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
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I read some the the info on pursuit and the section of "Solo Partner" that is posted. LOL I'm such a pursuer and I have no patience when it comes to conflict with my husband. I want everything fixed right now.

Your comment on patience really hit home. Patience is going to be my big lesson during all of this. I'm willing to stand for my marriage. I'm strong. I'm a breast cancer survivor coming up on 4 years.
I love the signature line, I believe from painter "Every day I'm committed to my commitment."

I woke up this morning sad, crying, and wanting to call him-but I checked in here first....now I feel stronger.

I'm learning from this brilliant forum that shockingly I may have a ton of work do on myself...LOL! Better quit burning daylight!

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Thank you for that advice. I didn't think about it making him feel manipulated.


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I ordered the books,tried my best to get on with my day but have spent the past couple of hours crying. I feel out of control.


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Hi Teach. I am so sorry that you are on here, but it is the absolute best place to be! It's okay to feel out of control and sad. I too have been with my H for 23 years and he, out of the blue, said that he wasn't happy.

It takes patience and the willingness to reach out for support. That was very difficult for me in the beginning because I tend to be a private person. I've learned my journey is a lot easier because I have the people on here.

Just make sure that when you talk to him, that you keep a PMA and with your children, just reassure them that no matter what, THEY will be okay.

*hugs*
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Thank you Eirinn. Just like you I'm a very private person. It has been a roller coaster the last couple of weeks. I cry at work, I cry when I get home, I'm crying right now. I don't like people knowing my business but I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I read some of your thread. Your a strong lady. I'm going be following your story.


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This morning has been so hard.I just want him to talk to me. Right now he will only answer text about our son or finances.

I don't understand how he can be so cold. How do you stop talking to someone you have been in love with 28 years, over night?

He has said we are not divorcing, but I don't understand what he is thinking. Does he expect me to stay in limbo forever?

I read somewhere yesterday that 79% of separated couples divorce. I hate statistics. I learned from going through cancer to look at the flip side...so 21% percent reconcile.

I just want hope and he won't even give me a crumb.


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The biggest thing you need to do right now is to get what you need from you. He is lost and confused and doesn't even know what he wants. Go out and do something fun for yourself today. GAL will help. Also if you haven't heard it yet, believe nothing he says and only 50% of what he does.

You will get through this!


Hugs


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Originally Posted By: teach3
This morning has been so hard.I just want him to talk to me. Right now he will only answer text about our son or finances.

I don't understand how he can be so cold. How do you stop talking to someone you have been in love with 28 years, over night?

He has said we are not divorcing, but I don't understand what he is thinking. Does he expect me to stay in limbo forever?

I read somewhere yesterday that 79% of separated couples divorce. I hate statistics. I learned from going through cancer to look at the flip side...so 21% percent reconcile.

I just want hope and he won't even give me a crumb.




Hello teach -
I want to start by saying you are not alone. There's 200+ some threads on here in the last month all with a similar story. As Eirinn said, there is no better place to talk about your troubles, your pains, your hopes, your goals, etc.

So I get what you're feeling. When my wife dropped the bomb on me, I cried too. Like all the time. Afret I few days, I realized that I was still alive. I was still a functioning father of two wonderful girls with a good job and a nice house. I realized that I can SURVIVE by myself without my W. I realized that while I don't want to divorce my W, I don't NEED the M.

With that knowledge in mind, I set to work on me. Slowly, I've been detaching and unwinding myself from my W. I've gone out with friends, gone to meetup groups to meet new friends, and spent more time with my family. Ive started doing my 180s - being more positive, doing more housework, spending higher quality time with my girls, etc. and you know what, I'm finding that I miss the companionship, I miss the closeness, I miss the partnership of having my W. But I'm also so much happier with myself than I was when we were together. I have a lot of work to do still, but I can feel myself turning into the 2.0 version of myself.

Ok. so. What's my point? Take the advice in the welcome thread seriously. They really are the key to getting through this. Read the rules - they aren't a trick for getting your H back. They are a way of getting your self-worth back. Start to detach. Start to lead your life for you.

You are strong enough. You can do it.


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Teach - A few tips

1. Your H is not the man you fell in love with. He is lost and confused. Talking will not bring him back - your actions will be far more powerful than words.
2. Read and re-read the rules, thread on detaching and the LRT, and most important GAL.
3. Use this time to focus on yourself - this is challenging but an important step in the process. Set some short term goals and keep the DB book close.
4. Have no expectations and don't look for any crumbs.
5. Be patient and mysterious. Do something nice for yourself and smile.

We don't choose to ride this rollercoaster but we can decide when to get off.

Something I read every morning:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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Thank you Eirrinn. I'm off work today so I have been very focused on him. I'm going to try my best to flip it and focus on me and my son.


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Your daughters are fortunate they have such a caring, strong dad. I love what you said not "needing" the marriage. I have to unravel myself from him. I have spent years at home taking care of everything while he worked away. We would plan to make everything fun and perfect when daddy came home. It seems so ridiculous now.

I have to 180 for myself.


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Thank your for your tips. I'm reading everything I can find. I have to get off this roller coaster and start focusing on me. If I don't, who will?


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Teach, it wasn't ridiculous that you spent the time making the home nice for dad. I did too. It's what we do when we're married. The nice thing about 180s and GALing is that you can rediscover you. Find out what you like to do by yourself and with your son and daughter. Find your bliss and give yourself permission to not check in every three seconds with your H. I still struggle with that one!

I hope you have a fantastic day tomorrow!


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I'm going to try my best today. We have a field trip so that should help. I plan on going NC starting today. The weird thing is that is exactly what he has been doing.


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Originally Posted By: teach3
I'm going to try my best today. We have a field trip so that should help. I plan on going NC starting today. The weird thing is that is exactly what he has been doing.


Yeah. It's always interesting to think about how the WAS has been DBing for months by the time they drop the bomb.


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Have fun!!!


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So planned on having a calm day with NC. He sent an email this morning stating that he will continue to send money to us and he isn't the liar I think he is and I have never thought he was a good husband or father. That started a string of text messages and finally he picked up the phone and told me that he isn't wearing his wedding ring (its only been 2 weeks) and that he won't divorce me but he isn't coming back.

I don't even know this man. He is looking for me to fight him and I just listened and told him that I'm sorry he feels that way.I have a feeling this is going to get really bad.

My S17 left school because he asked his dad to come in for his band concert and he gave him a lame excuse. I hate seeing my kid like this.


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Teach, you are right, it most likely will get worse before it gets better. It will also take a long time. Just keep validating and GALing.

Have you sat down to talk to your son about what is going on? Sitting down with him and asking if he has any questions or thoughts that he might want to talk about is important. Then, no matter what happens with your H, your s knows you are around for him always.

Your sitch is close to mine in that my H first told me that he was unhappy, but wasn't leaving or talking about D yet. Two weeks later, he told me that he wants a D.

I focus on myself and my S and it helps tremendously.

You're doing well and will come out of this one day.

{{hugs}}


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Originally Posted By: teach3
So planned on having a calm day with NC. He sent an email this morning stating that he will continue to send money to us and he isn't the liar I think he is and I have never thought he was a good husband or father. That started a string of text messages and finally he picked up the phone and told me that he isn't wearing his wedding ring (its only been 2 weeks) and that he won't divorce me but he isn't coming back.



This stuff is the hardest part of DBing. They know how to hurt you, and right now, there's nothing you can do to hurt them back. In their mind, the WAS is already out of the M; you're already fired. So they don't care if you yell at them, cry to them, take off your ring. None of that matters to them.

So what can the LBS do? Bite their tongue. STFU. Let them vent; let them spew. Now isn't the time to say he's a bad father or a bad husband or inconsiderate or whatever. That's not to say that we become punching bags and doormats. But fighting and arguing is not going to lead to any positive results. Instead, we validate and nudge.

I'll also throw out there that I wouldn't have replied to that email unless there was some kind of urgent question. I don't think you should get yourself into text "battles" with enough messages to require a phone call.

Just remember, this is going to take MONTHS. You can't get him to change his mind in on conversation. You CAN make him dig in his heels in one conversation though. If an email comes, let it sit for a few hours. Contemplate. Heck, post it. The key is to act rationally and without your emotions clouding your way. We need to become the lighthouse - calm, serene, collected.

Wishing you good luck and thinking good thoughts.


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Thank you so much for your reply. You right I shouldn't have answered the email. I just haven't talk to him and I was craving contact. I love the idea of the lighthouse. I have read it several times.

It was all day back and forth and it has drained me.He actually called but did exactly what yall said. He just spewed at me with blame. I listened and told him I'm sorry he sees our life that way. He ended the call by yelling "I told you I'm never divorcing you!"
I can't even believe this is my life.

I just wanted to start NC today, I can't fall into traps. He needs a good 30 days not talking to me.

I will be going to a new church this Sunday to help with my GAL. I'm new at this but I will get the hang of it.


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I took my son out to eat tonight and we had a long talk about his dad. I just told him that his dad is going through a tough time right now and he may say things and do things that are out of his character but he still loves you.

I can see my son is angry. He doesn't like his mom to be sad so I'm trying my best to stay positive. He asked me if I thought there was a chance everything will work out. I told him to never lose hope.


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Hope is always a good thing to hold onto, we never know how things will play out. Just try to avoid reacting to his spew and do what you need to be doing to grow as an individual. I also read the lighthouse story over and over when I need to, its helped me alot the last few months. Actually becoming addicted to lighthouses in general. Took my kids to see 4 of them last week when we were camping and we climbed to the top of one.

Have you thought about any changes you may need to make? Even though his spew is likely mostly crap, there may be bits of truth in it that can help you to grow. Consider what else has he complained about in the past that you can improve upon. You have time to work on yourself, use it wisely.


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Fogg taking your kids to see some lighthouses is awesome. I actually thought about driving down to the coast and getting inspired. LOl

Yes I have been doing alot of soul searching about my contributions to this crisis. I know he sees me as controlling. I had to be when we where younger because he was just a wild young man. I took on all the financial responsibilities and I believe that has contributed to this sudden urge to spend alot of money without telling me anything. I'm going to be starting with a therapist next week so hopefully I can work through my own issues.

He is taking a considerable amount this month to start his fun life. I didn't say a word. He made sure I had enough for bills and some left over. I haven't questioned him on the cash and I'm not going to unless he pulls the rug out from under us.

I'm trying my best not to be rocked by his decisions. Taking all that money and his ring off leads me to believe he has something cooking on the side. I just don't have it in me to worry about that right now. I'm exhausted physically and mentally.


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Teach, it sounds like you handled the conversation with your S quite well. He will be okay as long as he knows he has you right now.

Now get some rest for you! Glad you're starting a therapist too.

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Originally Posted By: teach3

I just wanted to start NC today, I can't fall into traps. He needs a good 30 days not talking to me.


Just remember, this process is about YOU. it's not about tricking or punishing your H. It's about protecting and then evolving yourself so that you can become the person you want to be. The NC isn't about disciplining your H, it's about giving you the space you need to detach and disentangle yourself to become your own person. Stop pursuing him and wait for him to come to you.

Also, I wouldn't put a timeline on this yet. I'm over a month separated now, and I don't see my W even looking around yet - full on headed toward D still. And that's ok. I'm prepared to continue fighting for our M until I decide that I'm done.


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Originally Posted By: teach3
I took my son out to eat tonight and we had a long talk about his dad. I just told him that his dad is going through a tough time right now and he may say things and do things that are out of his character but he still loves you.

I can see my son is angry. He doesn't like his mom to be sad so I'm trying my best to stay positive. He asked me if I thought there was a chance everything will work out. I told him to never lose hope.


I think this is all ok. You need to be honest with your son.

But at the same time, I do not recommend discussing the details of your plans and about the books and the site with him. There is too much going on here for the spouse to chance upon it.

I would also be careful because you don't want your son accidentally taking your "side". These nothing a WAS spouse loves more than that "me against the world" mentality. Nothing fuels them like trying to prove to everyone that they are making the right decision.


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You got me! My focus is him....OMG I have to stop! Your observant and insightful. Keep hitting me over the head I will get it I promise.

After today I can see how he is controlling my emotions and I know I have to get off this ride for me and my son.

I promised my son I will go to his next air soft war and play. I wonder how long a 44 year old mom will last.... willing to try things outside my comfort zone. I think I remember this girl. LOL


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Originally Posted By: teach3
I know I have to get off this ride for me and my son.


When you figure this out, please let me know. Im great as long as I stay in NC with my W - as soon as she contacts me about anything, I'm a total mess. But I'm doing my best to fake it for now; I'll get the hang of it. In the meantime, up and down I go.

With regards to the focusing on you, someone posted this on another thread and I love it:
This could be the worst year of your life or it could be the best year. Either way, it will definitely be the hardest.
Your H has given you so much space and time to reflect on yourself and really GROW as a person. Use it wisely! Either way, you're going to hurt (a lot) - but that's going to be the case no matter what. May as well use the time for your own betterment!

Wishing you a better day tomorrow.


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I plan on having a better day today. Thank ya'll for the support. Last night was so hard.


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Hey Teach, how was your day today? I was thinking of you today and hope it was better for you.


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Well we had NC so that was good but I'm still crying when I get home. I guess it's normal. Everyone is in my ear to go talk to a L. I know they are afraid for me but I just can't do it right now.


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Some of the largest problems I've read on here is the interference by "helpful" friends and family. You can always thank them politely for the advice and then move on. I have had to do this many times myself. They mean well but don't necessarily understand your unique situation.


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Originally Posted By: teach3
Well we had NC so that was good but I'm still crying when I get home. I guess it's normal. Everyone is in my ear to go talk to a L. I know they are afraid for me but I just can't do it right now.


It doesn't hurt to have an initial consultation so that you can understand your rights as a parent - understanding the custodial and financial ramifications of a divorce can make it less scary since its not so unknown.

But from what I understand, you don't gain anything by winning a race to file. You don't WANT it to come to divorce, right? So I wouldn't go hiring someone to start drafting stuff up.



As for the crying and such, this is an emotional time. It's ok to feel the things that come. There's an extreme sense of loss. Of course you're going to feel sad! The key is learning to deal with your thoughts and start to be able to turn them down so that they are shorter and/or less intense. That comes with time as well as mental focus. That also comes with losing the fear.

Have a good night and an even better day tomorrow.


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Thank you and your right. It's about turning down the noise in my own head. Today is the second day with NC. I have always been the one to reach out so this feels totally unnatural but at least my emotions are a little more under control.


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Hi Teach, I can't tell you how many nights I say goodnight cheerily to my H and then go upstairs to cry into my pillow. Give yourself permission to grieve for your marriage. You will never have the same marriage again. The goal is to have a stronger, better marriage at the end, but you will still miss your old marriage right now and that's okay.

You have already shown some growth on here, and you will only grow stronger with time!


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Hi teach3,

First of all, let me congratulate you on being a cancer survivor! You are a survivor and that is an amazing attribute. Congratulations! smile

I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. There is much that can be done. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction.

A Divorce Busting Coach can also help you navigate conversations regarding your son and what the best course of action is with well meaning friends and family. You mentioned in an earlier post that you were wanting to speak with a coach and I would be happy to get you scheduled to speak with a wonderful Divorce Busting Coach. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Thank you and and I will be calling.


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Day 2 NC. I didn't cry at work or dwell on him not wearing his ring. You so right, my goal is for us to have a better marriage, but he is so hard headed sometimes. I just pray that we get the chance.


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Originally Posted By: teach3
Day 2 NC. I didn't cry at work or dwell on him not wearing his ring. You so right, my goal is for us to have a better marriage, but he is so hard headed sometimes. I just pray that we get the chance.


One day at a time. You can do it. It does start to get easier!
There's always the hope that you'll get a chance, but if and when that day comes, you can't be the same person you were - so use this time wisely!


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I'm trying to change but if he isn't around to see it....how will he know? This the 3rd day for NC. That's a huge change for me. I'm trying to focus on my job and son but my mind is wandering this morning.


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Originally Posted By: teach3
I'm trying to change but if he isn't around to see it....how will he know?

Two parts to this answer,
first of all the changes are for YOU not to win him back.

That being said - at some point he will notice these changes even if he never says a word about it.

Trust me - it works that way.


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This is my opinion - please someone come in and add more.

I believe your thinking here is not from the right perspective. The changes that you are making are not for him - they are for you. Your marriage as you know it is already over; he already fired you from that role. So our strategy here is to take what we've learned from marriage v1.0 to grow ourselves, to become the best versions of Matt777 and teach3 and everyone else that we can be. We've learned so much from the problems of the first marriage that we have so much insight into what we'd like to improve about ourselves. NOW is the time to do that. Unfortunately, it's not so simple as turning a switch - it takes time to ACTUALLY make these changes. I would expect the journey that he has set you both on to take months of not years (not to say that your actions and interactions today will be the same as a year from now - but that this is a long, slow, evolving process).

Now, as for him not noticing, THATS OK. If he sees you every day, he won't notice the changes anyway. Do you notice your grass growing when you watch it? What if you go on a 3 week vacation?

You have time now. Use it wisely! Make your changes. Then, when he does look at you again, the changes will be so clear.

Honestly, even if he never looks back (which is unlikely), you will have still turned into the best you that you can be. Just keep the focus on you and you'll come out ahead.


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Thank you Cadet. I'm just having one of those days. I want to change for myself and I'm determined to do it. I think I'm still in shock.


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I want to look at it from the correct perspective. I'm trying but yesterday I feel a little stronger then this morning I wake up crying. I know it's a process but I'm just stuck in fear I guess.


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Originally Posted By: teach3
I think I'm still in shock.

That is quite natural and OK.

The advantage we have is that we can admit to it and not run away from those feelings.

DB'ing helps us to recover.

Kind of like losing oxygen on an airplane,
put your own mask on first.
Then you can worry about everything else.


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teach -
I read through your posts thus far. I am sorry that you are here, but somewhere deep down inside you know that this place can and will help you.

First your H, isn't the person you know and were in love with. He is someone else. And I think implementing the LRT is very important. Like Cadet said, he will notice changes in you, even when you rarely see him. Your 2 kids will always be your bond and when he is done being stupid, the kids will be your connection back to him. That will never change.

SO... what the [censored] do you do now?

One thing that really worked for Bob was to dissect his relationship, so that when the time came that he saw his Spouse he would be able to live his changes, which will speak to them. I implore you to check out Bob's early threads (or mine) to find examples.

Basically, you should identify YOUR characteristics that contributed. Then come up for ways to counter those characteristics. This is very difficult b/c a lot of these will be behavioral issues that are hard to overcome.

Here were some of mine....
- Depressed - I was depressed b/c of being overworked, which resulted in being withdrawn with my family. I countered that by starting to say no at work and being more present with my children. I do more with them, and less work or time on my phone when they are around.
- Controlling - Like you I wanted to fix things immediately. In my mind everything was black and white (as an engineer). I read many books that helped me understand her perspective and also read books on validating her point of view. Now I don't provide any direction unless she asks for it.

Also, if you don't already know investigate what your love languages are and what his are. You should become the expert in his love languages to use those as tools.


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Hi teach,

I am so sorry to hear about your sitch. I went through a very similar sitch with my H when we had been married about 18 years and felt the same emotions as you are feeling. It took some time to work through. It is painful and enlightening at the same time. You will find strength and wisdom you did not even know you had.

I would highly suggest that you listen to all of these amazing people and do the work of this program for yourself, not to get your H back but to make your life better and if he comes back as part of that new life,mthat's a bonus.

I'm not sure I did that correctly the first time and now I am working this program again. I have been married 31 years and have 2 adult children. The second time around has made me really have to look at my motives for making changes during our first crisis. What I did, I did to get my H back, not to make my life better. Now I am here again, separated with NC for 5 months. Not fun. But I can tell you, the hurt will lessen, you will cry less, you will start to enjoy life again, you will begin to obsess about your spouse less, you will start listening and trusting your inner voice more, and you will go on and be happy again. Not saying there won't be sad days, but the sad days will be less than the happy ones.

Someone recently posted the serenity prayer. It's my favorite. I say it every morning when I wake up.

One thing I did to try to help myself heal was to start a journal to document all of the things for which I am greatful.

Take care of yourself and your son. Let your H take care of himself. Like Cadet says, you did not break him, you cannot fix him. If it makes you feel better, say a prayer for him every day. I found a book of prayers by Marianne Williamson ( I think it's called Illuminata) that really helped me when I couldn't find my own words. It's very spiritual and not so "religiuos" not trying to force anything religiously specific. I used it the last time my H left me emotionally and I'm using it again during this time.

Let me know if you'd like to talk about specifics. It sounds like we are having very similar circumstances. I'm just on round 2.

Sending you strength and wisdom and lots of hugs.

Gr8tful


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Thanks mahhhty and I will check out the threads.


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I appreciate all your wisdom gr8ful3 and I would love to talk to you about this. I'm trying to listen and learn. I feel like I'm in a tornado. We had some interacting this morning and he just gives me conflicting messages that hurt. That serenity prayer and the lighthouse are my new favorite things.

My son has a banquet tonight so I'm looking forward to getting out.


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Originally Posted By: gr8ful3
I am so sorry to hear about your sitch. I went through a very similar sitch with my H when we had been married about 18 years and felt the same emotions as you are feeling. It took some time to work through. It is painful and enlightening at the same time. You will find strength and wisdom you did not even know you had.

Hello teach,

Everything you are feeling is so normal. Do not try to bury the pain, that will only make things worse. You have gotten some great advice from my forum friends Matt and mahhhty and others. I really thought gr8ful3 nailed it--especially the last sentence from the quote above.

This forum is like one giant loving family. Post as often as you can. My sitch is similar to yours. My W decided to walk out one day in October and filed for D the next day. 7 months later, I am still DB'ing and feel better about myself than I have in my entire life. Why? Mainly from the support and advice from people like mahhhty (he was the first one to really follow my sitch) and countless others. And there is still hope for my sitch.

I came across this verse yesterday and would like to share it with you:

“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).

You CAN do this. grin

Sending many *Hugs* your way...

Bob


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I will be reading your story tonight when I get in. Thank for your support and your right this place is like a family.


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You're welcome teach! I am on my 6th thread, so to start from the very beginning might be a tough task. Please do, if you'd like. But each thread has about 100 posts. That's when Cadet reminds us to start a new thread.

My first post in the most recent thread of mine (Part 6) has the links to the other threads as well as a summary of my situtation. Plus, things have started to change "slightly" in a positive way by my W mostly in Part 6.

You will see the amazing advice I get and teamwork helping me with texts.

I love this family! I wish you well.

Bob


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I'm here for you teach. If I can shed any light or help you through what I experienced, it would make me very happy.

I heard a quote today that made me stop and think. I'm paraphrasing because I don't remember the exact quote but it was something like, don't dwell on what you don't have, rather focus on what you do have. You have two amazing kids and I'm sure many other blessings. I know easier said than done, but it helps sometimes not to dwell on the chaos going on around you but to try to enjoy the mundane routines of everyday life. It's kind of amazing when you think about it, life just keeps marching forward.

Sending you some peace and serenity.

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I went to my son's band banquet tonight and loved it, but I found out that he didn't show up to his captains tryout because he was upset that day and left school. It was the day after his dad said he was "DONE". Whatever, I'm so mad right now.

My husband sent some email today talking about how he isn't divorcing me and he will always love me but we are split up (although not legally). He tried to tell my daughter we wont divorce because I might need the extra health insurance in future. What a crock. He just wants control of OLD FAITHFUL-ME.

This mama bear is getting pissed.


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Oh my gosh, Teach, do I feel an echo right now. My H only has a talk with my every other month or so about our R but whenever he does it is just like what you are saying. My favorite was when he told me that I was his perfect counterpart, but maybe he needed a different counterpart to help him grow to be happy. Talk about confusing! I was getting ticked off at that stage too so I looked at him and said that maybe he needed to find himself first.

Just keep posting on here. The confusing messages can make you be on the most insane roller coaster ever! I just keep reminding myself to believe nothing that he says. I just keep my PMA and next door neighbor friendly to him, if that makes sense.

What everyone else has said is so true. Use this time to find out who you are and what you want to do with YOUR life. If he wants to rejoin, great, but either way, you are going to be awesome!

{{{hugs}}}
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ps. You might want to add a signature to your profile so that people can be reminded of your sitch at a glance. smile


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Originally Posted By: teach3
I went to my son's band banquet tonight and loved it, but I found out that he didn't show up to his captains tryout because he was upset that day and left school. It was the day after his dad said he was "DONE". Whatever, I'm so mad right now.

My husband sent some email today talking about how he isn't divorcing me and he will always love me but we are split up (although not legally). He tried to tell my daughter we wont divorce because I might need the extra health insurance in future. What a crock. He just wants control of OLD FAITHFUL-ME.

This mama bear is getting pissed.


This is so tough. My girls are (luckily?) little enough to really not have strong opinions on this. They can't understand what's happening, really. I can't imagine how difficult it is to go through this with children that are old and strong enough to really voice their opinions in actions like that.

I'll echo wait Eirinn just wrote. The man you loved is not your H anymore, so keep working on you. Keep detaching. Keep finding new ways to stay busy and move forward with your life. It's not easy, but it's the only choice!


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H sent an out of the blue text this morning thanking me for sending him pic of the banquet and saying he didn't replay because he just couldn't talk last night. I just told him you welcome and that I appreciate him thanking me. I hope that wasn't to much.


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Sounds like a good reply. Next time I would just stick with the welcome part though as telling him you appreciate the thanks seems a bit like pursuit.

See, you're getting the DBing down step by step!


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I think I'm starting to understand DBing. H called tonight out of the blue. At times he was very rude and hurtful and at other points in the conversation he was sweet. He told he the pics I sent him were great and that he always thought I should take some photography classes(which is on my GAL list). Said I was the love of his life and he would always love me but then a minute later said he was never coming back and he hadn't changed his mind. I just validated when he expressed his feelings and told him I had no expectations about us, I'm just living for today. I ended the convo which as hard because it was really good to hear his voice.

I have to put my call in for coaching tomorrow and I should seeing my therapist this week if nothing conflicts. It's the last week of school for us and it's crazy right now. I just feel a little more relaxed tonight because I have more of a plan for myself. Teachers love plans!


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Nice job teach. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is stay on the phone.


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Teach, I second mahhhty's comment. Good job!

*Hugs*

Bob


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Signed up for my sessions with DB coach. I start today after school. Relief.


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Wonderful! Good luck! I love my DB Coach. I hope you have a similar experience.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
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Yea, Teach! Sounds like you are starting your week well! I hope it continues for you!

E


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Had my first 50 minute session with my coach yesterday. It really made me feel better just to talk to someone outside this sitch. She gave me some good homework and we talked about LRT.

I believe the sessions are going to help me for sure and hopefully my marriage.


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I'm so glad it went well and that you have that resource!

*Hugs*
E


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Great to hear teach!!!


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
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My coach told me I needed to find the line where my husband goes back in his rabbit hole and hides. So Sunday we spoke which went pretty good. Monday morning he actually answered his phone on the way to work and we had a regular conversation. Tuesday we had a little crisis and he talked to me and my son and was very helpful. Wed I got pathetic and asked my husband to consider going on a date with me at some point. Well his answer was I don't know and then that's enough for now. So....found his line LOL. Then today I was kinda pathetic on some text messages.

I plan on speaking with my coach at the beginning of next week. Since we aren't legally separated or divorce papers filed, she didn't think it would hurt to push a little and look for connections-positive or negative.

I just feel a little down.


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Teach,
We all fall down on the DBing sometimes...as a matter of fact I have had a horrible week of that. Just have to accept it and start again.

It's expected that you'll feel down and sad, especially right now for you. What did you do today for you?

hugs
E


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Today I'm going to a cook out, Sunday shopping and Monday the spa. I'm trying to stay busy. Thanks for checking up on me!


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Thanks so much for your post on my situation some how it pulled me off the brink. We will hang in there together and think it is all about patience and keeping your trap shut when you want to ask questions about R and stuff.


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So H comes in from playing golf and drinking beer and I guess decided it was a good time to talk to me. Needless to say the conversation was ridiculous. Him shouting he loves me but is never coming home and how I don't understand and nobody understands how much pain he is in.

My daughter works with him and heard him shouting through his hotel room door. She came in took the phone told me not to worry and hung up. She called back later and said she jumped in the middle of his little pity party. She told him he was never going to talk to anyone in our family that way again and that he was going to feel like a fool in the morning.

She gets that from her mama!


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If it wasn't so pathetic it would be funny! It makes no sense he loves you but is never coming home. That is what is so ridiculous about the whole thing they are crazy.

My H came over Saturday was nice and funny, picked me up threw me in our swimming pool and was just goofing around. He took my S down to a friend's farm for the overnight and when he came back to drop him off yesterday he would barely talk to me and left right away and I haven't heard from him since. What the heck? No wonder we LBS's get so confused.

No wonder 25years says to GAL otherwise we would just be spinning.


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Your right! It's very confusing. It's their ride and they want to take us along. We just have to set our boundaries and not let them control our emotions.

I'm leaving in the next couple of days on our family vacation...that we have planned for a year...without him. His loss! We are going to have a blast!


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Packing up to leave in the morning. It's been an emotional day. We have planned this trip for a year and he isn't going. I know we will have fun but it hurts.

Talking to my coach later. I hope she can get me refocused.


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Good for you. You seem to have it down pretty good already.

Life doesn't stop just because they do. We need to get moving ahead a day at a time, a step at a time.

I find if I want to reach out to H by text I just make myself think about it for 5-10 minutes and try to focus on something else or come here and then that need goes away.

S and I took family vacation a few weeks back and we actually had more fun then we had in the past year because as I discovered I think H was in the midst of MLC for a year or more and last year he was always angry and very short tempered with us and vacation was a nervous wreck for all of us. This year S and I went and it was calm and relaxing. Yes I think we both missed H but I think we did so from the past memories of H not the more recent H.


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Son's are awesome. I can't wait to get out of here.

I talked with my coach today and she gave the same advice as you about thinking before you reach out and will it bring you closer to your goal.


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Skhdive and Teach,

So glad to see you went on the vacation w/o your H. I think it's important to make your own memories with your kids. Believe me, they will remember and appreciate your efforts as they get older. Bravo to you both!

As my H became less and less interested in being with us, I started taking my kids on our own vacations. These are some of my best memories.

Skhdive your statement is so spot on "yes we both missed H but I think we do so from the past memories of H not the most recent H".

Keep making those new good memories for your kids.


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Hi Teach!

I completely understand the confusion. My H wants to take family walks and is talkative while we do it, and then we get home and he totally treats me like I'm not there. Sometimes I wish I could reboot his brain!

E


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I'm on this amazing vacation with my extended family and they keep telling me to face the fact that he said he was done and move on. I know they think they are helping me but it hurts so much.

H sent me a text before we left saying he needed time and he didnt know what was going to happen later on. I felt that was an improvement from "We are done and I'm never coming back!".

Today I feel sad and confused on vacation! Im afraid if we do finally work this out my family won't forgive him.


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Originally Posted By: teach3
I'm on this amazing vacation with my extended family and they keep telling me to face the fact that he said he was done and move on. I know they think they are helping me but it hurts so much.

H sent me a text before we left saying he needed time and he didnt know what was going to happen later on. I felt that was an improvement from "We are done and I'm never coming back!".

Today I feel sad and confused on vacation! Im afraid if we do finally work this out my family won't forgive him.


Teach -
Aim for five feet in front of you. You don't need to worry about R or whether you can ever R successfully NOW. Keep going down your path and deal with what comes. Don't worry about what may come somewhere down the line.

As for your family, they're just trying to help you feel better. If you believe in your M, don't listen to them. It's easy to walk away, but that doesn't mean it's best for you. Only YOU get to decide what's bedt.


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Teach, as much as we love our friends and family, they are not living in your situation. I finally starting telling my family and friends that I really appreciated their love and advice, what I need right now are people that I can vent to and be encouraged. You are doing what you know is right for you and just need support. I was afraid a few would get upset, but they listened, for the most part.

As for how they will feel after you get back together, they will be happy for you and that's what matters.

You are doing awesome! Give yourself permission to enjoy your vacation. You deserve it!!

*Hugs*
E


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Teach,

I would suggest to limit what you tell your family and maybe choose one family member you trust to confide in. The reason I say this is because you WILL begin to feel differently about your H as time goes on and it may be hard to describe that to your family. Eirinn is right, your family will be happy if you M works out.

I have been in this sitch like I said twice. The first time I told my mom and sisters everything. And although they were always supportive, I think they saw my H in a different light. This time around, I've only confided in one sister. I won't have to back pedal this time if things work out.

Again, not saying your family won't be supportive, just saying to be careful how much you share.

Enjoy your vacation. Enjoy your time away. It's sometimes just nice to escape and be busy with loving family.

Gr8ful3


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Originally Posted By: teach3
I'm on this amazing vacation with my extended family and they keep telling me to face the fact that he said he was done and move on. I know they think they are helping me but it hurts so much.

H sent me a text before we left saying he needed time and he didnt know what was going to happen later on. I felt that was an improvement from "We are done and I'm never coming back!".

Today I feel sad and confused on vacation! Im afraid if we do finally work this out my family won't forgive him.


Don't worry about family right now, things will play out how they do. If their relationship suffers right now H will need to put in the work to fix it later, not you. Regardless, now isn't the time to be worrying about that.

Family do have good intentions, but many times they see the pain we are in and just want us to take the fastest route to being happy again. That fast route isn't always the best long term, we know that.

I'm learning to stop letting fears over how the future will play out stop you from enjoying today. Whatever happens will happen regardless, so enjoy the little things you have now.

Enjoy your vacation, don't let your sitch weigh you down right now, just have fun. You deserve it smile


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Husband sent a text during this trip stating that he will be home on the 24th and he will be happy. Of course I don't believe it works like that. He couldn't stand NC from me and m son. My son is very angry with him and he basically told him he didnt care if he ever came back.

My H sent me a text saying he was sorry for hurting us, that wasn't his intention. I finally had a phone conversation with him and asked how did he think we would feel...he said happy. OMG! He is delusional right now. He said we will work on us but he doesn't want what we had. That hurt because it's been pretty good in my opinion, but right now it's all about him.

I'm just trying to validate his feelings but I am extremely worried about seeing him. I have worked hard on getting my emotions under control and I don't want to go back to where I have been.

I'm calling my coach as soon as I get back. I have to be prepared. I know this is going to be a process, I just hope I have what it takes. I don't know anyone personally whose husband has flipped a switch on them basically over night. I'm so thankful for this site and my coach.


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My family has been the same way they say just get out get out he is not treating you right. He is doing whatever he wants. Some days I feel they are right and I should just cut the losses but then I think what if I stick it out and do my thing and H does his and we get it worked out.

so for now I stay and I do limit what I tell my family now because you know they hear the bad stuff and of course they want me to be done. I am afraid to talk about any little good 1% that he does because I don't want any expectations.

Teach: This is good don't you think that your H will be waiting for you when you get home and that he wants to come back? I would be cautious but I think this is what you have wanted right?


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