I'm totally new to this,so please excuse me if I'm doing it all wrong.
My husband of 23 years (known him 28) told me 2 weeks ago that that he is "done". He is 47 and I believe having a mlc, of course I would never tell him that. He just wants to blame me for everything right now and when I talk all he does is talk over me and tell me I'm wrong.
I have asked him to go to counseling. He said he doesn't need a stranger to tell him anything about how he feels or where he went wrong.
He says he loves me and will never divorce me but he has to figure out what makes him happy. This week he started taking more money our of our household account to find his happy.
We have a 23 year old daughter, who actually works with him at this time and a 17 year old son. My son is taking this so hard. He cried his eyes out the last time he talked to his dad. He doesn't understand why his dad is acting like everything is "Great" even though he told him he wasn't coming home for awhile.
I'm trying my best to understand and support him but he is so hurtful at times. I have been snooping these boards for about a week and now I'm ready to jump in and get some advice from more knowledgeable others. LOL that's what we say in education!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello teach. I'm so sorry you're here, but you're in the right place.
Have you read DB or DR? I'd start there, because the information and advice you get from here will be so much more meaningful after you've read one of those.
I'm so very sorry to hear about your situation and that your children are involved and unhappy, too.
I know that my H didn't think his children would be upset - so he told his daughter (I have been my stepdaughter's mom for years) that we had a trial separation (not true), and my SD had a complete breakdown. They become complete narcissists when they are in this mode. Has your H moved out?
I am also very new to DB'ing, but I ran a stepfamily support board for many years, and the financial situation you describe, would make me run to an attorney to find out exactly what your rights and options are. Doesn't mean you have to do anything, but knowledge is power. I know that part of the reason my H put the brakes on and is now trying to work on our M with a DB counselor, is because I saw a very good attorney and told him what his situation would be if he decided to dump me. I told him very calmly, just like an FYI. It was quite the reality check for him, and pulled him back down on the ground.
This board has tons of great information. I have gotten a lot out of the pinned posts from the links in Cadet's welcome post. I keep revisiting the post so I can read the links over time, they take some time to digest.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Haven't read the books yet, but they are on my list. I plan on signing up for coaching sessions also. I just want to try everything I can to keep my family together.
Painter, My husband has always worked away. He is in Canada right now. He should have been coming home in a couple of weeks for our family vacation, but now says he isn't coming home until the end of this job in August.
He has become a complete narcissist in just 2 weeks. I'm trying my best not to bite on anything he says. My favorite line "You don't know me." Only since he was 18. He is 47.
Your advice on a lawyer is sound and I'm sure I will have to find out all my rights. Knowledge is power!
In the meantime, I'm going to read this forum, the books, and sign up for the coaching sessions-with his money! ;-)
I second reading DB/DR. It really demonstrates why a M is worth saving. More than that, it talks to how little we can change our spouse, but how much we can change the dynamic by changing ourselves.
I won't tell you not to see a L. What I will tell you is that the urge to "do something" isn't your friend. You will need to be very, very patient. That doesn't mean you never take any action. It means you don't react emotionally, and usually pray and meditate for weeks before making big decisions. The stakes are too high to make flippant decisions. Are you telling H you're consulting a L? If not, how do you suppose he'd take it if he found out you had and hadn't told him? If so, how are you going to explain it? Just make sure you have very good answers to these questions or you might inadvertently escalate the situation.
Getting back to patience, let me ask you this- how long could you stand by your M if your H continued to act this way? Not having an A, not doing anything super destructive...just being a bit off the walls. A week? A month? A year? Forever? Just curious. This may take longer than you like, but the rest of your life is a long time and the years you have together can never be replaced. There is no way to avoid a difficult journey, so I urge you to start thinking of this a long hike and not something that you're going to 'fix' anytime soon. This may be the next stage of your life for a while. I ask because I find making a mental commitment to a block of time (for example, 'no matter what I'll stand by my M for a minimum of one year') makes it somewhat easier. Because then you aren't doing it for him, you're doing it for you.
Anyway, keep posting and take care teach.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Just want to clarify that the only reason I suggested a lawyer at this point, is because OP said he is taking joint family funds to finance his new lifestyle. If that becomes a problem, it would be vital to know what she can and cannot do. Nothing escalates a situation as arguments about money...
Personally, I consulted an attorney because H tried to tell me I had no rights to our home. I also found out that he had actually retained a lawyer months earlier... Many surprises along the way!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I read some the the info on pursuit and the section of "Solo Partner" that is posted. LOL I'm such a pursuer and I have no patience when it comes to conflict with my husband. I want everything fixed right now.
Your comment on patience really hit home. Patience is going to be my big lesson during all of this. I'm willing to stand for my marriage. I'm strong. I'm a breast cancer survivor coming up on 4 years. I love the signature line, I believe from painter "Every day I'm committed to my commitment."
I woke up this morning sad, crying, and wanting to call him-but I checked in here first....now I feel stronger.
I'm learning from this brilliant forum that shockingly I may have a ton of work do on myself...LOL! Better quit burning daylight!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
