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#2567688 05/14/15 03:14 PM
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Hopeing Offline OP
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My BD was recent (3-21-2015). My husband seemed to jump right in and found an apartment quickly. I will admit that I am not too anxious to find out if he is having an affair, but I don't suspect (or I could just be in plain denial, I just don't want to know). What is very odd to me is the fact that my H has really connected with his mom, whom he has never been close to. She calls him daily when it used to be that they would go weeks without talking. She was validating him on his quest to leave me.

I am just unsure of what replay behaviors look like. My husband found an apartment, but hasn't told me where it is. He will sometimes obsess about looking 25 even though he is 41. He is heavily involved in music stuff again (had a recording studio in his early 20's). He is writing songs as well. He lies, lies, lies about everything-I have detached because it's stupid for me to get upset over his lies.

He wants a relationship with our children, but more as buddies (taking them to record stores, reading the books that they are reading, etc.) but has not provided a dime for them.

I am just curious, outside of an affair, what is typical replay behavior. My husband seems very full of himself at times, then he tells me that he is very ugly inside.

Oh, and he doesn't talk to me at all (other than asking if the kids are ready to be picked up). He doesn't ask how the kids feel, how school is going, how friendships are, etc.

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Hopeing,
Everything you posted is replay behavior. They become the opposite of the person that you knew pre crisis. Here are some of the replay traits:

1. They usually will not share their new addresses w/the spouses;
2. They will usually change the way their dress, i.e., go from suits to Tees and jeans, some even go to skinny jeans;
3. Manscaping;
4. Piercings;
5. Tattoos
6. Change in diet, i.e., eat a lot of fast food/junk food. Change from regular sodas to diet and vice versa;
7. Lose weight and/or gain weight;
8. Dye or tint hair, possible shaving it all off or growing it long;
9. Go from clean shaven to scruffy to beards;
10. Taste in music will change;
11. Pick up new hobbies or habits;
12. Gambling;
13. Drinking;
14. Drugs
15. Taste in the opposite sex will change. Some go in for kinky sex and like to experiment;
16. Become best buds w/one child. This is normally the one that will not question what he/she is doing;
17. Act out as teenagers and/or young adults;
18. Look upold, friends from high school or old girl friends;
19. Cell phone becomes an appendage and they will not put it down;
20. If they weren't close w/their parents, they may become so during replay, i.e., the same applies to siblings;
21. They become very self centered and selfish;
22. They become angry and short tempered very easily and can be emotional at times;
23, Can sleep too much or not get enough sleep.

The list can go on and on and it really depends upon your h as to what replay behaviors he will act out with. Replay is as unique as the individual is because of their childhood issues and how they deal w/them.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2567753 05/14/15 06:36 PM
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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2539710#Post2539710

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
job #2567757 05/14/15 06:43 PM
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Hopeing Offline OP
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Thank you. My husband had a weird upbringing with his parents. By today's standards his dad would have been considered abusive. He and his father did not reconnect until 2005. His mom has always talked down to him and acted like what ever he did was not good enough. When it came to college she would always say that he was wasting his time, and then when he would get done with a degree she jumped on the bandwagon. These are people who never supported anything he did, but he must've spun an ugly web of lies about me because she is certainly his BFF now.

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Please read the homework that Cadet provided. There is one thread that may be of interest to you and it is called "My Thoughts on Why They Run Away". It may explain some of what your h is going thru from his childhood. Here's the link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259

As for the parents, this is typical of MLCers wanting to reconnect w/them after such a long time. Why? Because they are actually going back to the time that they were emotionally stunted and from there, they will either grow up or remain out of touch individuals.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2568352 05/16/15 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted By: job
As for the parents, this is typical of MLCers wanting to reconnect w/them after such a long time.
Why?
Because they are actually going back to the time that they were emotionally stunted and from there, they will either grow up or remain out of touch individuals.

Its funny how many times I have watched this exact scenario play out.

Add it to the script.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2569998 05/20/15 08:10 PM
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Hi, as I look over this list of replay behaviors the only one that fits my H is him trying to get closer to his parents. I really still question whether this is MLC or a bump in the road that looks very similar to MLC. We were maintaining a long distance relationship that proved to be too stressful, financially and physically for my husband. Combined with the fact he had been put on 'probation' with his job for a negative review ( I believe he has ADHD and has trouble following thru with too many projects). He took that very hard, working at an executive level and having just gone back and gotten his MBA. In any case, is it possible to have a less severe case of MLC? He never really monstered, has always paid the bills, has always maintained his love for me even. There was an OW (I do believe it's ended and he seems happier than ever). She lives 2400 miles away so it was an emotional online affair with a couple of trips to visit her while staying with old friends of ours). But I've also seen definite MLC behaviors they just aren't as severe as everything I'm reading about.
I also think this started long before last summer when BD occurred. I'm more likely to say he was depressed throughout this whole thing. He's reaching out, connecting, hugs, kisses and more frequent visits home.Thoughts?


M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years
D:29, D 27, D 25
BD: 6/2/14
Proof of OW 7/7/14
D filed 8/14 (H)
D dropped 1/15 (H)
3/15 H reaching out
06/01/15 Proof of OW still
06/17/15 I filed
Sis #2570217 05/21/15 11:48 AM
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Sis,
The list is only the tip of the iceberg. They all do similar things and yet can be so different. Some become angry, hateful monsters and others are calmer and yet determined to move forward as a single individual. Others move across country and you don't hear from them for months or even years. So, please do not try to "pigeon hole" your h into what I've posted. The list is one of "never ending". I touched on a few of the things that they do.

As for the "script", they pretty much say the same things, i.e., the want to be alone, they feel like they are suffocating in the current home, they have to see what is out there, I might be making the biggest mistake of my life, but I've got to do this right now, etc. The list goes on and on.

Again, each person will do similar things, but their personalities and childhood issues are very different, therefor their reactions/behaviors/acting out may be different in many respects.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2570254 05/21/15 01:36 PM
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Yes! He said more than once "I don't know if this is the right or wrong thing to do, but I've got to do it" Just recently said " I don't know if it's the right or wrong thing to do but something has to change." I thought that was a little emphatic of a statement.

I appreciate you sharing your wisdom on this

Sis


M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years
D:29, D 27, D 25
BD: 6/2/14
Proof of OW 7/7/14
D filed 8/14 (H)
D dropped 1/15 (H)
3/15 H reaching out
06/01/15 Proof of OW still
06/17/15 I filed
Sis #2570916 05/23/15 03:47 AM
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The last sentence should say a little LESS emphatic!


M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years
D:29, D 27, D 25
BD: 6/2/14
Proof of OW 7/7/14
D filed 8/14 (H)
D dropped 1/15 (H)
3/15 H reaching out
06/01/15 Proof of OW still
06/17/15 I filed
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