Really Random Ramblings

[MrBond]

No one says you have to date. Or that you need anyone in general. There are lots of times I prefer to be alone. But if someone says they feel alone but don't actually interact with people, then there's nothing really they can do.

For Tad, alot of it is based on his past family history. There are times that he may be afraid to get too close to someone with the fear of losing that person. Unfortunately that's life. But not everyone will hurt you. Sometimes you have to go through the whole barrel of fakes to find something real.

Confidence isn't going to come overnight. Just little interactions here and there. CONSTANT interactions. Good or bad. That will help build self confidence.

[tadpole1025]

For Tad, alot of it is based on his past family history. There are times that he may be afraid to get too close to someone with the fear of losing that person.

That ^ is the truth. All of my life, not counting deaths, I've either had someone taken from me or I've been taken from them. I don't think people realize what divorce does to the kids. Me? My parents divorced when I was very young. I was three years old and because of it, I spent my whole childhood in the middle of custody battles....living with my mom, living with my dad, living with my grandparents....being moved to California, back to Arizona, back to California, moved to Germany, back to California....that was my entire childhood. Nothing really stable at all. My family history [censored] and I never realized it until these past few years. So yes, MrBond is right. I'm afraid to get close to anyone or anything. (Although I really bonded with my pet rats and its probably because I knew deep down that they weren't going to hurt me and would love me unconditionally.)

Just checking in to journal:

My S23's band had another performance on Saturday night. XW was there and I have to say that I was shocked to see how old she looks. She used to look amazing, but when I saw her at the show, I did a double take. It looks like she has aged atleast 10 years since I saw her last. I haven't seen her since January. She used to have the most beautiful dark hair. Now, it is gone. She cut it all off.

I also realized earlier today that I haven't spoken to her or even exchanged text messages in over a year. Wow.

At the show, she kept hanging around "my crowd" as if she wanted to fit in or say something. She was standing two feet from me at one point. I still have not even acknowledged her. If she wants to talk, she gets to make the first move. Not me. It is better that way. FOR ME.

The weird thing is: I had an amazing time at the show...had a woman flirting with me, the band put on one of their best shows, had a great conversation with my ex bil, got to see my beautiful niece and talk to her but....when I woke up Sunday morning, I felt blah. I felt like there was a giant cloud over my head. I couldn't shake it until I got to work Sunday night. It was like the depression started all over again. Weird.

My rattie is still hanging on. I feel so bad for her though. She sticks to me like glue when she is out of her cage and only wants to cuddle. I love that little girl so much and probably got too attached. Now...I have to deal with the loss when the time comes. They say you are lucky to have one live 2 years. I had one last 2 years and 1 month and the one that is left has made it to 2 years and 7 months. I know her time is close and it weighs on my mind almost constantly. That's all I think about. There are times that I won't even go out unless I spend time with her first. Is that sad? Pathetic? I'm just trying to spend as much time with her as I can.

Just wanted to vent a little and give a quick update.

Take care.

Tad

[MrBond]

Thanks for the update Tad. A lifetime of depression won't disappear overnight. The night at the concert was a great step forward. Keep that momentum going and you won't be waking up with those clouds any more.

[uRworthy]

You know, Tad, you feel what you feel. So, you love your pet a lot. You feel badly that she isnt doing well. You dont have to question it.

Given your childhood, I understand why you are afraid to get attached to people. But thats not really a way to live, right?

I kind of get the feeling that after you go out or something, you are expecting this uplifting of sorts. It doesnt quite work that way.

You have to push yourself some, T. Force yourself to get out there even when you dont feel like it. The more you are around people, the more chance you have of feeling better and better.

You are in control of you. Make some decisions to consistently push yourself. Keep trying, Tad. You never know whats out there.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks uR and Mrbond.

You have to push yourself some, T. Force yourself to get out there even when you dont feel like it. The more you are around people, the more chance you have of feeling better and better.

Yes I do and I feel a lot better when I do get out of the house. A week ago I gave S24 a ride to the mall. Just going to the mall was nice! But like I said, I'm almost afraid to go out while my rattie is so weak. Believe it or not, I was the same way when I was a kid about my grandmother. When I was staying with my grandparents, I always hated leaving my grandmother alone when my grandfather would take me fishing. Why am I that way? I have no idea.....

Keep that momentum going and you won't be waking up with those clouds any more.

Thanks. Yes, I do feel better the more I do, but when I do have those cloudy days, it is almost overwhelming. They are really cloudy like this past Sunday. It was a bad one.

Thanks for the responses.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Just journaling:

Had a bad day today. I know this is a divorce/MLC forum, but this board is really my only outlet.

My rat is still hanging on although now I believe that she is completely blind. I feel so bad for her. I have a friend that has a cousin who is a vet. I could probably have her put to sleep, but I've heard horror stories how it is done and it isn't very humane. I don't want her to be put down that way. She was also born in my apartment and has never been in a car. I'm afraid that a car ride would stress her out too much.

I'm very, very down/sad. I just don't know what to do.

I ask God everyday to take her peacefully, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen...

Tad

[uRworthy]

Hi Tad. Im so sorry you are struggling, sweetie.

Do what you think is the most loving thing you can for your pet. Maybe make some calls to the humane society or aspca. I cant imagine that how they handle it would be inhumane.

Hang in there, T.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks uR.

I believe she is pretty close now.

[tadpole1025]

My little rat passed away today.

So sad/heartbroken. Will post again soon.

[Wonka]

(((Tad)))

I'm so sorry about your rattie.