Thank you so much for the congrats job, NLW and Cali, it is so appreciated.
Good for you Cali, I am so happy you bought your Harley, we deserve splurging on ourselves; after all, it's our life, our dreams and our choice :o) Mine is travel - I really want to travel.
I'm so happy for you. Congratulations on the car and the job. So the job isn't a dream job...that's okay. It will help you financially and you can keep your eyes open for another opportunity.
Glad you had good news this week.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Lou - that is fantastic news about the job. Congratulations! It is a huge accomplishment and while it may not be what you want for a career maybe right now something that is task based is better for the soul. You come in, work hard and let it go. I think you have so much on your plate this is a good stepping stone until you feel stronger emotionally.
Way to go! You are doing so well and you have much to be proud of my friend.
{{{hugs}}}
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Work is going well - physically hard going but that cuts out having to go to the gym
Today h rang - I probably did everything not to do DB wise, but it seemed to go ok.
He said he has wanted to contact me so many times but felt it wrong of him after all the pain and hurt he has put me through. He asked why I don't contact him .....sticky moment .... so I just said that I did not think it was appropriate while he was with ow.
He told me it was his last day at work, that he starts his new job next week. Seems happier about the change.
THEN - wow wow - he has decided to end it with ow. He is tied in with her until July and then he can take himself of the rental lease, but until then he cant afford to rent somewhere else and still pay half the rent of his current place. Turns out ( go figure ha ha) that she is really damaged. She has smashed things, cut herself and threatened to call the police saying it was him, she has overdosed after an argument, she is possessive (that's why she did not like the boys or him talking to me) and generally nutso.
He said he did not go through the whole process of leaving me for freedom to find himself, to then hook up with a crazy women that has tied him down! Lightbulb duh!!!
Then he asked about me: this is where I prob did not do too well, but he asked so many questions I could not be elusive all the time. So I talked about my job and what I do. He asked about my life and how I am, he apologized and said he regrets how he left (that leaving is still what he needed to do), that he feels that perhaps he should have tried first; counselling etc, but feels that really it probably would not have changed anything, maybe just created more hurt and the outcome of us never talking again.
He told me he has grown a beard and got a motorbike (something I used to never like) so I said "Cool" - which he was surprised at He also talked about his life, said that he he has not told anyone about ow overdose so please don't repeat it - he just needed to tell someone.
He said he can tell I have changed in myself and asked if we can have more contact - just as friends - so I said, I am ok with that as long as there is no ow on scene, to which he said he does not intend looking for anyone else now.
I mentioned that I am happy for him to come and stay if he wants to visit s18 and if he is not comfortable with me being around (which I would most likely be at work anyway) I can go and stay elsewhere for the weekend - to which he replied "I can't come up yet as she wouldn't like it, and I certainly would not want you to stay elsewhere, its your home. I hope that we can be ok around each other, I would like that".
1 1/2 hrs later (he was at work lol) I had to finish the call as I had to go to work - but we left it that we would contact more.
I know I know - this means nothing - zero expectations and all that. But it was nice to have him human again for a short while.
Lou, There is no right or wrong way to deal w/a MLCer, but I have to commend you on staying cool, calm and collected. I'm sure it was a shock to have him call, tell you what was on his mind, and yes, a roundabout apology, and the length of the call.
It's a new beginning and hopefully the two of you can forge some kind of new friendship and go from there. Yes, the ow was a crazy one and it's not over yet. He still have a few months left on the lease before he can get away from her...but don't be surprised if he opts to stay w/her or she stalks him later. If she's that crazy, she'll do anything to keep him in line and w/her.
Keep your expectations at zero and continue has you have been and I think a friendship can be forged. You'll soon be writing the next chapter of your Life's Book before you know it.
I pray that he's on the right track now and will finally figure things out for himself.
Continue moving forward. You are doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job. I did not have a good night sleep wise, the conversation going around in my head.
Whilst this is a step forward, I am really not sure how this is going to work or even if I want to open myself up to possible hurt in the future. Do I want to be "just friends" should that be the way this goes. The question of do I contact him, how often; weekly, monthly - is this not pursuing.
I have not initiated contact since last October so for me to do so now is slightly alien. Not knowing what is going on in his life seems far easier than knowing - I mean, what happens if he does stay with ow (which I really do doubt, he knows he cant stay in that kind of relationship, its making him ill). What happens if he finds someone else, or things just plod along in friend zone - do I really want this, idk. I have only just found calm in my life again without him in it. I know we have to start somewhere and this is the obvious place - and he initiated it - however I am really quite conscious that this could go disastrously wrong for me.
I know that he really is not ready for anything other than friendship and he may never want more from me; he needs to end it with ow and then go live life and achieve the things he wanted to when he left me. I know that the only way we have any chance of reconciling is for us to be in communication and as friends we can build on that, but I suppose I am still very sensitive to putting myself in the line of fire - I am asking myself, is it a risk I am willing to take.
I am conscious that having him around again may cause me to change direction and my plans - always wondering "what if". This was unexpected and has sent me in to a slight spin.
I know what my girlfriends would say to me if they knew about this - they have watched and supported me through him leaving me and would think I was absolutely crazy for having anything to do with him at all.
Lou, Boy, do I understand the "didn't have a good night sleep wise" situation when you've had contact w/a MLCer. No matter had how you try to cut off the rewinding and replaying of the taped conversation in your head, it continues for a long time. It's unsettling, especially when he calls and tells you the things he did.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't initiate any contact w/him unless it's an absolute emergency or about your sons. He's talked the talk and now he needs to walk it. One never knows what is going on in their heads and when the ow is still very much present, you have to wonder...is he really waking up or am I plan B when Plan A doesn't work out? The only way that anyone can be sure that they have come through to the other side is to observe and if he is truly out of the crisis, you and/or your sons will see a more settled man who is truly working on himself to get to a better place.
As for friendship, well...that's not going to happen in a blink of an eye. Again, it's something that has to be forged and he's the one that has a lot of work to do to show you that he truly wants to be a friend and just not saying things to provide easy lip service so that he's saying what he thinks you want to hear.
Lou, for now...stay the course. You are doing great and I don't think you have anything to worry about right now. He touched based and who knows when he'll surface again. He may be like Bea's xh and just pop out the rabbit hole every now and then to see if the world still exists.
For now, wave and continue on down the street because life is far too short to sit around waiting on that old pesky rabbit to pop out again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Lou- you are doing so well right now. I can imagine how a conversation like that can have you rattled. The one thing that was a real red flag to me was H asking you to contact him. You have not blocked all avenues of communication. If his desire is genuine then he must contact you. You have to wonder if the MLCer wants you to contact them so they feel needed. I guess what I am saying is that right now H may not understand that any relationship requires more than "hey call me" or "I feel bad when you don't contact me"
This is about you and your life. OW's presence is also an alarm. You can't know what is really going on with H until he is alone with himself to figure it out.
You are my hero Lou. You look at life in such a positive way and I admire you greatly.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I have had a couple of days to calm down and a lot of cleaning time to think about it. I also talked to a couple of g/fs who just want me to be happy.
I do agree with you both - this still has to come from him, especially while ow is still on scene.
Originally Posted By: 123Gwen
The one thing that was a real red flag to me was H asking you to contact him. You have not blocked all avenues of communication
H did not ask for contact, he asked me why I don't contact, especially as we agreed to co-parent because despite our b's being older they still ask for guidance and advice and its good to both be on the same page with them.
He has reconnected with them both which is great and once away from ow he will be able to have more to do with them - I think that they will help him continue on his decision to leave her as he told me that he came close to losing them and he would have hated that. In a "can't admit it way" I feel he is pleased I came back to them and not had them come to me.
He has made it clear that the ball is in my court as for me contacting him. He said that whilst he would like me in his life and he misses my friendship, that he has no right to expect it after what he has done, this really is MY decision, what is best for me.
The problem we face is that he does not want to pressure me in to contact or keep contacting me as he does not feel he has the right to do so after all he has done and I don't want to contact him as it may still come across as pursuing but more the point of opening myself up to possible hurt again - a part of me still loves him, being in contact concerns me as I worry that I will fall back in love with him and him never feel the same way about me, hindering me moving forwards - funnily enough I don't worry about it being the other way around. I hope this makes sense -
He has opened his door a crack and I have to decide if I will peak in or not - will curiosity get the better of me
As for the avenues of communication - he only had access to me by email, which he did every few months. When I returned to NZ he asked s21 for my mobile number and s gave it, then told me that he hoped that was ok - too late by then - you need to know that both s would love to have us back together, M&D.
We talked about her, not anything personal, we just spoke about some of the things she has done - what he has got himself in to. I feel he will need quite a bit of time afterwards to get over her and what she has done to him, he feels trapped right now, she holds him responsible for her happiness and when he does not deliver she punishes him by harming herself or him. He knows it is a kind of abuse and its got to stop.
I am glad he reached out to me, no matter what he has done (and yes I do have a evil smile inside me knowing that life has not been rosy for him and that she turned out to be a nutter) I do still care and that makes me the better person.
Like you pointed out job - I don't want to be plan b .... I dont get the impression this is the case, I am not a plan anything in his head, just a friend to talk to - but as we know, only he knows what he is thinking .....
To get myself back on track, to refocus on me again and continue on my path I have decided to (my g/f's have badgered me into it) visit the UK next June which gives me a year to save up and something to look forward too. They are holding a charity event so I would like to be a part of that.
I have also started thinking about where I want to go from here career wise, as if it involves going back to school I need to come up with a where and when plan for next Feb (start of school yr here). I am also giving up my motel job, it served me well and I think part of me said yes to staying because I am useless at saying no to people, but this new job is physically demanding and I am seeing that I really need to have my 2 days down time. It also means I can go see g/f and my s21 which will be an overnight trip.
GAL is not doing too well, but that is because I seem to be either at work or asleep ! Something needs to change.
Ka-Boom - This is still where my headspace is after last weeks p/call from h
So many questions and no way of getting the answers unless I ask him - I wrote an email but could not bring myself to send it - maybe the not knowing is better than knowing.
Without asking him what he meant how do I move forward in my head. I was probably just as confusing to him - not giving anything away. Neither of us wanting to be honest and clear; for me it was fear, fear of getting into something that will harm me. Fear of misunderstanding the intention of his call.
At the moment its about being a friend - but why would he think I was the person to talk to about ow and her depressive antics?
His voice drew me in, his thoughts piqued my curiosity, his statements make me wonder where this leading ...and do I want to go there.
