Letting Go V

[HeavyD]

So we talked again via phone about D6.

This was a better convo, talked about how we will both talk to her about expressing herself in a "better" way. We both agreed we would do just that.

Again, no talks about anything of subsrance, just about kids and schools.

At least we are talking more but strictly in the friend zone.

Sigh.

[Calibri]

HD,

That's progress.

Keep in mind some people (myself included) have little to no interactions with their spouses. I haven't seen or talked on the phone with mine in four months.

Perspective dear.

Keep up the good work.

[HeavyD]

I will take you at your word. Good Lord.

My W refuses to see why I am so upset by all of this. She has taken a lover, moved out of the house, disrupted our family immeasurably, caused financial ruin to herself (almost) and yet is mad at me for showing dissapointment, indiference, upset or anger.

I have inreased my politeness and cordial interactions 100% yet she still see's me being disrespectful of her. I am at a loss over he perception.

I guess the answer is just do it anyway and let her reach her own conclusions as to why I am so upset with the situation.

When I do talk to her, her eyes are dead or unless she is mad at me then they are filled with fire. I pretend not to notice and carry on. This is all such a waste.

[HeavyD]

Wonka - Do you really think any progress is being made towards reconcilliation or are you just saying that to keep me strung along, always hoping and being a dope. Sometimes, I feel that way. I guess that is the cynic in me talking.

I realized today that after phone interaction with he, I "expect" something to happen. Like today we had those long pauses. Did I expect her to say something, I guess I did. Big mistake. She never said a word. I think the silence means everything.

How I wish I could just stop obsessing over every litle thing. That proves that detachment is far from occuring on my part. This will be a long long process for me it appears.

My IC said today that i am still being manipulated by her on an emotional level and I guess she is right. Until I can master the art of detachment, I will always be her whipping girl.

I know there are no "when will this be truly over answers" as everyone is on their own journey but boy is it a long journey filled with twists every step of the way.

I am trying so hard to learn lessons from this experience, one to heal, and two to help others go through this grueling process. That would be really great if i could assist others in some fashion.

Onwards friends and as always - thanks for listening

[CaliGuy]

Heavy

I think thats what pulled at my strings the most, those times when there was no life in her eyes, that look she used to give me .. gone, like her shell was there but her soul died. They are completely detached it seems and just feels so fast and sudden ... we are still coming to grips with BD, the life changes ... then have to face the emotional hurt that any love they seemed to have for us has been stuffed up in a vault and we have no key to unlock it.

All you really can do is DB, sidestep the spews, STFU and listen for clues ... they do leave them ... sometimes its all based on re-written fabrications, sometimes there are tidbits of truth in there.

Stay focused, learn from the clues she gives, keep positive...its all we can do.

[Wonka]

Heavy,

I sense that you are being emotionally pulled into different directions by the latest development in your sitch and you seem to be looking for "what's the catch" scenario here.

Wonka - Do you really think any progress is being made towards reconcilliation or are you just saying that to keep me strung along, always hoping and being a dope. Sometimes, I feel that way. I guess that is the cynic in me talking.

I am wondering if you are assigning me in this role because you are so mistrustful of your W? I tell it as I see it...no smoke and mirrors chit. Things ARE indeed thawing between the two fo you. I never once said that you are on the path of reconciliation. To do so would be emotionally dishonest and I won't do that...ever.

One step at a time. There is a definite thaw. Embrace it, my friend.

Ideally, it would be WONDERFUL if you two are on the road to reconcilaition right now. I'd scream at the top of my lungs...to be sure!

Right now, it is critical that you have your head screwed on tight and keep this real. For your sake, for your family's sake.

Hang in there.

(((Heavy)))

[Wonka]

Heavy,

Just so you know....

those times when there was no life in her eyes, that look she used to give me .. gone, like her shell was there but her soul died.

^^^ is one of the KEY indicators that the WAS is a MLCer. It's always in the eyes.

It is not you. It is not the next door neighbor. It is not Batman. It is not the Swamp Thing. It is all W!!!

[HeavyD]

OK - thanks for your honesty - both to Wonka and Caliguy.

It just seems that so much works goes into this, so much energy, so many prayers, no one really understands "Dump her" is all I get but it is so much more complicated than that.

I continue to inch along, and will keep my head screwed on straight and try to keep the door open, the lighthouse standing, the picnic and ant analogy, everything and more to get this going. I refused to let 19 years and two small kids slip through my fingers.

[CaliGuy]

OK - thanks for your honesty - both to Wonka and Caliguy.

It just seems that so much works goes into this, so much energy, so many prayers, no one really understands "Dump her" is all I get but it is so much more complicated than that.

I continue to inch along, and will keep my head screwed on straight and try to keep the door open, the lighthouse standing, the picnic and ant analogy, everything and more to get this going. I refused to let 19 years and two small kids slip through my fingers.

Heavy ... thats the easy way .. 'Dump Her' I had a few people tell me that, but those people never understood everything that happened, all the intel I had.

Its seems so simple from the surface, long term M, WAS goes PA with OP ... LBS should drop em like a bad habit .. not that easy.

I agree .. there is a ton that goes into it, loads of prayers ... but THAT is where I found the secret. I prayed for W to wake up, Prayed for OM to fall down the stairs ... then I read something that stuck. God gives us everything, he also can take those things away, who are we to question this? I believe He has a plan .... I learned recently that I do not understand the reasons, nor can I see where its going to all end up .. but I do trust it is for the better, he has made me better out of all this, I would not be Cali 2.0 without this hard lesson, but the lessons worth the most cost the most.

Let go Heavy, have faith, when you do you will feel lighter .. you are going to be ok no matter what

[Ripken8]

What I'm learning heavy, and I have a ways to go is all the techniques,mooing dark, 180, pma, gal, etc only really have an effect on the ww AFTER they have an effect on you.

As weird as it sounds detaching, going dark and gal may bring her closer to you. It's taken me a while to wrap my head around it, but distance can bring them closer.

They will only fully feel the rope drop and its effect after you have truly let it go. Not to win them back, but because you deserve it for yourself.

I've been trying to drop the rope and would always keep one hand in it seemed. I'm sure my ww noticed because it had no effect. Now I'm truly moving on with my life with or without her. There's good days and bad, but even the bad are better than my worst while I was living with her.

I feel much better about myself and the man I want to be. You've come a long way heavy and have so much to be proud of. Keep in mind the progress you've made for you and where you want to go.

My ww may never come around, yours might not either. But as I see it, they only will after the affair is over and if we are someone worth coming towards. Screw trying to win them back. We deserve to have them fight for us. Might as well use the time to improve ourselves in the mean time.

Hang in there heavy!