Detachiment, we can do it! (Smothy 4)

[Smothy]

Old thread locked

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2570181&page=1

new thread, new outlook.

[Pyrite]

you go girl. hey I just pounded Tulo re: detachment. same old - but maybe i said something in a different way that might help you. i know it helped me to think it/write it.

good luck with the new outlook Smothy

[Smothy]

In less than 4 weeks I will be back in the UK. About 7 weeks after that I will be back abroad. At the moment, I am finding it hard to detach because h servedl me when I was away. I am asking myself these questions lately;

Would it been easier for me if I was in the UK?
Do I want him because H is choosing to walk away?
If he was havering a PA? ( not 100% he isn't)
If he tried S first before rushing I to D?
Told me his reasons verbally for D?
Not ML and told be how much he loves, how beautiful I am before Imy flight
I know we still love each other, but he is actively choosing not to

Am I hinging too much on complete detachment when I go back abroad.

2 x 4 please!!! Or any insights.

[Pyrite]

you won't be completely detached in 4 weeks - so dont set yourself up for that failure. just do the best you can.

dont ask yourself these questions. easier said than done . i ask d4 after the 10th repeat of the same question "what answer would you be satisfied with?".

seeing you have asked them, why not answer them. what would be the best answer to each of them. what if you did try S 1st etc. explore that. what would it mean. what would life be like - really. Then explore the worst answer possible.

one I have asked myself is do i want W because she walked away? In a way yes. NC is supposed to spark this same reaction. BUT - does it go deeper than this. Some days/moments yes, some no. Does it need a definite answer? What will be achieved.

New Order song I posted - "Waiting for that final moment, (when) you say the words (that) I can't say". This is sort of a beautiful sad I think.

Clearly this ^^ implies the answer is yes. And I am tempted to think if you are even asking that question then the answer is yes. Although this doesn't mean that you were not hoping for reconciliation or open to it now. I think the end of my thread I was talking about this. It maybe your next step letting go. I am just starting to see W as a "1-Dimensional" object. (DUCK - her ec comes the 2*4 for me!!).

I mean 1D in the sense that the only dimension to her are her responses/questons with regard to co-parenting. She has no other dimension that intersects my life. Gosh I am so geeky, even my emotional understanding goes back to physics. I could say that every other dimension is orthogonal to my "space". This is mathematically interesting - anyway I digress.

Point is if other dimensions do ever creep back into to the way I see her, the way we interact then this will be because I/we let them. This will only be possible if we avoid becoming bitter and twisted. This will NOT happen unless you forgive him. And this will NOT happen unless you let go. And this will NOT happen unless you detach. The bonus is that you can also grow in all of this.

Respect the process. NOT just the process of recovery or DBing, but the process of grief. Respect it, dont try and change it or circumvent it. Dont fight it, let it wash over you - like the cold air. i think that was you I was talking with about the cold air on my skin, and it takes a long time to lower my body temperature so long as I just let it be cold air on my skin.

[Smothy]

Thanks Pyrite, voice of reason, yet again :-)

Just journaling my thoughts here to the questions above;

In less than 4 weeks I will be back in the UK. About 7 weeks after that I will be back abroad. At the moment, I am finding it hard to detach because h servedl me when I was away. I am asking myself these questions lately;

Would it been easier for me if I was in the UK?
Do I want him because H is choosing to walk away?
If he was havering a PA? ( not 100% he isn't)
If he tried S first before rushing I to D?
Told me his reasons verbally for D?
Not ML and told be how much he loves, how beautiful I am before Imy flight
I know we still love each other, but he is actively choosing not to

Am I hinging too much on complete detachment when I go back abroad.

2 x 4 please!!! Or any insights.

Thank you Pyrite, given me a different perspective and being a voice of reason.

I am just thinking through and journaling the questions I have asked?

1) Yes and No. Yes because we would be able to communicate and give us a chance to see each other. If no communication this would hurt more if I was in the UK.

2) this is a difficult one and one I am grappling with at the moment. Sometimes, I think that it is me wanting to,have him because of control and I don't want him to be with any one else. Other times my love I feel for him overwhelms me, I can feel it physically.

3) if PA, I would leave him to be free with someone else. Would I really detach so easily knowing this, I am so weak where H is concerned. A Man would only leave if there is another woman waiting in the wings for them. Do t they?

4) I would detach and give him a D easier if I knew we BOTH tried everything we could. We were moving towards each other 50/50 H told me in January, so how is that not a good reason to try to get there!

5) telling me verbally would allow me to ask questions to try and understand, see his eyes, body language etc. I think it would allow me to gauge the sincerity of what he is saying. He loves me, he won't do this to my face because he can't bare to see me hurt.

6) this gave me so much hope, then made me suicidal two days later, knowing he was with the woman he had the EA with. A friend told me it was the going away present he wanted to give me as he is a conflict avoider. For me, it was a big slap in the face.

[Pyrite]

Thanks Pyrite, voice of reason, yet again :-)

Thanks Smothy- but just slowing you down. Like most of us your probably trying to get too far too quickly.

2) this is a difficult one and one I am grappling with at the moment. Sometimes, I think that it is me wanting to,have him because of control and I don't want him to be with any one else. Other times my love I feel for him overwhelms me, I can feel it physically.

This is tough. I have been discussing "lines" a bit with Zeus. Actually, it has been a recurring theme throughout my life. (deleted - self-indulgent introspection). It started with what constitutes personality versus personality disorder. Consider "control" for example. At one end of the spectrum is control freak, at the other is survival. Arguably it crosses the line when it becomes unhealthy. You have to define unhealthy then but this probably less daunting a task.

This is still ambiguous though. Your heart is in the right place. Working on the M, having a great life together afterwards, they are all very +ve. But he might not see it that way at all. He might see it as OW is love of his life, his destiny, and as hard as this is he has to follow. So what makes you more right than him? What makes your version the "healthy" way to go.

OK so lets suppose healthy means no one gets hurt, the outcome works out best for all parties. Consider a simple example of a guy ordering for his date at a restaurant. there could be a bunch of qualifying conditions here, but lets just suppose that he knows what she (usually) likes, he knows her allergies and sensitivities and he knows the restaurant, so

he orders for her without even consulting her. this would seem rude, arrogant, controlling. he probably figures he is doing the right thing by guaranteeing her something which she will enjoy, but she may be feeling that she wanted the choice for herself. She might feel like something else, even if it is not something which would normally be agreeable to her.

Then consider rather than a restaurant it is a drug deal and again ^^.

So my point is that we can flip our decision in a simple example, deciding whether the control is "warranted" or not, or in the other persons best interests or not, and this goes towards defining whether it is unhealthy or not. So does your controlling impinge, suffocate, dilute or neglect on anyone else's rights to make the decision for themselves.

But I think the issue you are really describing is this is not on your terms. Hence the song. Only you can answer this. In all honesty, I considered on more than one occasion that I should just leave. I raised D 3 years ago, but backtracked on that. I even asked myself if I even loved her. I had to search my soul, but buried deep down I found it. I do love her. BUT is that just famiiarity etc. Is that earth shattering, destiny, soul mate kind of love.

There is a biochemical explanation for everything we feel. love included. I am starting to truly appreciate my mothers words that love is not enough to make a M work.

3) if PA, I would leave him to be free with someone else. Would I really detach so easily knowing this, I am so weak where H is concerned. A Man would only leave if there is another woman waiting in the wings for them. Do t they?

Apparently more true (statistically) for men than women. A woman is more likely to leave without an AP in the wings.

Following confirmation of W's A - detachment didn't follow, but acceptance of the reality of the M breakdown sure did.

4) I would detach and give him a D easier if I knew we BOTH tried everything we could. We were moving towards each other 50/50 H told me in January, so how is that not a good reason to try to get there!

this is what I have always thought - BUT i think reality is that you would still come out the other end "uneven". (You didn't try as hard as me)

5) telling me verbally would allow me to ask questions to try and understand, see his eyes, body language etc. I think it would allow me to gauge the sincerity of what he is saying. He loves me, he won't do this to my face because he can't bare to see me hurt.

yeah - seeing how much truth my W is capable of even 4 months after BD - dont hold your breath.

6) this gave me so much hope, then made me suicidal two days later, knowing he was with the woman he had the EA with. A friend told me it was the going away present he wanted to give me as he is a conflict avoider. For me, it was a big slap in the face.

blow this thought away Smothy.

OK - so here it is - odds of R are against you here. so DETACH. Move on with your own life. The small odds of R are INCREASED by you doing the same thing. So in either case this is what you have to do.

We are labouring under the false impression that we can save the M if we only detach, 180, GAL, NC etc. NO we can't. But these are the things we have to do even if we dont want to save the M. SO this is what we have to do, for US. US wanting to save our M's gives us a huge advantage. Firstly, because we want to save the M we are avoiding the pitfalls of becoming bitter and twisted. Secondly, because we are following detach, 180, GAL, NC etc **AND** we are not heading towards bitter and twisted we are optimising our chances of saving our M.

[Smothy]

I don't know where I am. Instead of getting stronger the closer I am moving to going back to UK, the more anxious and finding detachment harder. I feel lost and uncertain more than ever.

I am itching to check what he is doing, but pleased that I haven't succumbed to that yet. It is out Sons's Birthday on next week followed by our Anniversary a few days later.

Last year I padlocked a love heart lock on one of the railings at the Great Wall of China. How in less than a year it has come to this???

[NDY]

Hi Smothy

I don't know where I am. Instead of getting stronger the closer I am moving to going back to UK, the more anxious and finding detachment harder. I feel lost and uncertain more than ever.

It takes time. Don't expect detachment to happen over night or a couple of weeks. Don't put yourself under any more pressure

I am itching to check what he is doing, but pleased that I haven't succumbed to that yet. It is out Sons's Birthday on next week followed by our Anniversary a few days later.

Yea, snooping is a difficult one to stop. But eventually the temptation will stop, it's part of the detaching process. Your S's birthday is still a special day for HIM. Make it special. As for your anniversary, just treat it like any other day. I know on the inside you will feel like cr*p but externally just be ok. Fake it till you make it.

Last year I padlocked a love heart lock on one of the railings at the Great Wall of China. How in less than a year it has come to this???

Sad, I know. We all have similar stories. My W was sending me s*xy emails on the day she started her PA. Crazy.

[Smothy]

Thank you NDY,

I know detachment is the key. I want to let of of the rope, but something holds me on. I should have zero expectations. I am scared once I let go there will be no turning back for me.

May be this it a good thing?

[NDY]

Thank you NDY,

I know detachment is the key. I want to let of of the rope, but something holds me on. I should have zero expectations. I am scared once I let go there will be no turning back for me.

May be this it a good thing?

Ah, the fear. Yes it does get a grip of us for a long time. This is where it's a bit of a chicken and egg situation. To be detached you need to let go of the fear, but to let go of the fear you need to be detached. It's tough, really tough but once you address one, the other comes easily. I was scared sh!tless at the start. But once I got on an even keel I realised I would be just fine. Once I started BELIEVING that (not the same as saying it) I started to detach. Make sense?

But yes, it is a good thing. Because if you live the rest of your life in constant fear that this will happen again then what one of life is that?

He needs to do the work if he wants you. You need to decide if he deserves you.

[Zues126]

Thank you NDY,

I know detachment is the key. I want to let of of the rope, but something holds me on. I should have zero expectations. I am scared once I let go there will be no turning back for me.

We have an illusion that if we cling to the rope we can control our WAS. We cannot. They have let go of the rope. We are clinging to a rope that leads to nothing. And as long as we hold on to it we are just tying ourselves to nothing.

I wonder what clinging to the rope is doing for you? I mean, not just "I want my M to work". I know. But clinging isn't helping. So really. What is clinging doing for you? It's a really good question to ask.

Oh, you spewed a bit on Py's thread which is fine. Did you happen to catch my post on the difference between venting and negativity? I can't remember where I posted it, let me know if you didn't see it and I'll hunt it down. You said you don't want to be bitter. I always keep that guideline in mind now to make sure I'm venting and not negative.

[Zues126]

Here it was:


Venting is when the adversity you face exceeds your ability to cope. You boil over into the red zone and have to blow off some steam. Yet you take accountability for your loss of self control, and essentially say "OK universe, I shouldn't be boiling over left and right, I can tell by my negative emotions that I need to change the way I am looking at things here. I will do what I need to do to release some excess and get my stress back to manageable levels, but then I need to reflect and grow so next time I am in that situation I handle it better".

Negativity is when you boil over, but then blame the universe for giving you more than you could handle, and essentially saying "This isn't fair, did you see how much adversity I was given? How am I not going to boil over when that happens. No one can blame me for feeling this way because that really stinks."

I'm not feeling very eloquent tonight, so one more try- essentially negativity is considering boiling over inevitable in the circumstances and waiting for the universe to change to not deal you those cards again. Venting is getting support for a temporary stumble while recognizing that only you can change and trying to grow from the pain to be more capable in the future.

[Smothy]

Zues, I read your post on Py's thread and it has touched me.

I always know H was hurting, now I have seen what you have written especially the line

'[b]You might see her as a mature and committed woman who's commitment caused her to endure more pain that most people would have put up with, so who was in fact wounded more deeply by the man who swore to love her than she could've imagined.

This is what H was trying to articulate to me. I am in tears now, knowing what I have done to him. How walking away was, for him, the only option open to him.

[Bob723]

Hi Smothy,

You will be in my prayers tonight. Please, please don't be too hard on yourself.

*Hugs*

Bob

[Zues126]

humility is a sign you're on the right road. happy trails Smothy.

[Smothy]

Just had a good cry, now feel an overwhelming urge to contact H to apologise for the hurt I have put him through, to reach out to him.

I know this is probably a bad move so will write a letter to him instead. and will not send it.

Thank you, Bob for praying for me tonight. I will add you to my prayers too.

Zues, I don't feel that I am on the right road, my progress is so so slow. I feel low about my situation every day. I am not having a pity party, just reflection on how I am feeling.

[Zues126]

so the whole quote that gets me through

When you expect it least,
the ego,
declared dead,
will surge into your mind,
and in an instant
you will seem so far removed from Tao
as heaven from earth.

Has it ever happened to you?
Don't despair.
Let it go.
Do what comes next.

Accepting failure
is a humbling experience
akin to enlightenment.
In an instant you will discover
that heaven and earth are one and
that you have never been separated from Tao.

The Taoist sage
lives in harmony with failure
and never fails.

[Bob723]

You're welcome Smothy, and thank you, too!

I really could use a prayer or two.

Bob

[Smothy]

After the post above, I thought I will look at my positives.

Here goes! :-)

I am different and stronger from a few months ago.
I am no longer suicidal, or on meds.
Anxiety levels has hugely improved, minimal now.
I no longer remove myself from class because I am finding it difficult to hold it together.
I have been able to use the words Divorce and Ex H without bursting into tears.
I am beginning to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time.
I can give friends advice that I have received here.
I feel hopeful about my future and career abroad.
I would of never applied for this position if it wasn't for my situation.
I am approaching others with more compassion and understanding.
My reaction to others is more positive (Zues, Thinking about your cards analogy really keep me focus on this).
Less reactive, though this is an ongoing challenge same with controlling.
Reflective on what went wrong in M and how I can/ am improving me for me.
No snooping, checking H's FB status. (12 days now)

[Smothy]

My GAL activities when back in UK, hard to GAL where I am at the moment. I think this is why I am finding detachment difficult at the moment as I have too much time to think :-(

Signed up for several meet-ups including drumming which I have NEVER dreamed of trying
Will go to church in my village
Taking God children out
Few overnights in London
Visiting and staying with friends
Have planned concerts
Dinners out
Seeing family
A day of spiritual retreat for myself,
Organising a trip to India, possibly doing this on my own.

[Pyrite]

Just had a good cry, now feel an overwhelming urge to contact H to apologise for the hurt I have put him through, to reach out to him.

I know this is probably a bad move so will write a letter to him instead. and will not send it.

Thank you, Bob for praying for me tonight. I will add you to my prayers too.

Zues, I don't feel that I am on the right road, my progress is so so slow. I feel low about my situation every day. I am not having a pity party, just reflection on how I am feeling.

don't call - you will regret it. especially at this juncture.

I am not surprised one little bit hat this gets harder as approach you approach going home. it must make it much harder, all over again.

you are on the right road Smothy. if you can see there is road, if you can see one that is more right, even if you are not on it then I think you are heading in the right direction. as i said to you on my thread - stop gauging your progress.

[Huddy]

Writing a letter sounds good. If it all goes to plan, you won't need it, if it doesn't you can decide what to do then.

Good luck petal.

[NDY]

They say that a Dobson esque letter is good therapy. Write it. Edit it. Start it again if you need to but don't post it.

[Smothy]

Thank you, Huddy, Pyrite, NDY.

I do feel as though I am going backwards, more anxious etc as I move towards going back to the UK. I have made an appointment to speak to my DB coach and IC later this week which may help to alleviate my anxiety.

I am proud of myself that despite an overwhelming urge to reach out I haven't looked at H's FB or our joint account to see 'what he has been doing and where he has been'.

Pyrite, I do need to stop gauging my progress because it does not help me at all. I read some stories on here and see how strong and how others are moving forward and coping. I think to myself 'why can't i do that?'

[Huddy]

Don't worry, It's OK to get anxious and backslide a bit. You do this at your own pace and how things happen will regulate how you feel at that time.

My W is being an absolute b**** this week, so, I've taken my ring off and effectively disowned her. Is this really somebody I want to be with?

[Smothy]

Just read what i have written and it has hit me that I want to see some 'care' from H when I get back to the UK. In my head, if nothing has changed, the day I board the plane to my next post abroad is when I will be done.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I think the 7 weeks will be crucial for us, in how we move forward individually? Together? and that's one of the reason I was reluctant about looking to go away. We have not been in each other's presence for over 6 months. I know that I don't want to and can't be friends. H says that's what he wants us to be, It will be up to me and he will respect my decision.

[Pyrite]

Thank you, Huddy, Pyrite, NDY.

I do feel as though I am going backwards, more anxious etc as I move towards going back to the UK. I have made an appointment to speak to my DB coach and IC later this week which may help to alleviate my anxiety.

I am proud of myself that despite an overwhelming urge to reach out I haven't looked at H's FB or our joint account to see 'what he has been doing and where he has been'.

Pyrite, I do need to stop gauging my progress because it does not help me at all. I read some stories on here and see how strong and how others are moving forward and coping. I think to myself 'why can't i do that?'

I dont doubt that most people if not all would backslide in your sitch and heading home. so take heart.

be proud of that. Do you think it has got easier?

Dont compare yourself to others. Sitch is so different between us that you just can't. And this is totally aside from the very real possibility that people DONT post about their failures as much their successes, AND/OR their successes are exaggerated - everyone else - not accusing anyone of anything here just pointing out the possibility.

The personality of the poster has to be taken into account. And this is in now way a criticism of your personality at all - again just pointing out why other posts might seem "different". Your perception of these posts as well. You are scoring your progress, consider it low and so focusing on the good points in others and how you are falling short.

And you Smothy are not even at home. Dont underestimate this. This is why it is starting again. It is symbolically BD all over again. Go easy on yourself. Please. Give yourself permission to be a mess.

[Pyrite]

Just read what i have written and it has hit me that I want to see some 'care' from H when I get back to the UK. In my head, if nothing has changed, the day I board the plane to my next post abroad is when I will be done.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I think the 7 weeks will be crucial for us, in how we move forward individually? Together? and that's one of the reason I was reluctant about looking to go away. We have not been in each other's presence for over 6 months. I know that I don't want to and can't be friends. H says that's what he wants us to be, It will be up to me and he will respect my decision.

Be very careful Smothy. I hope the best for you, but I am cautious/ skeptical. You have already been served. You have said several times that he avoids conflict. BD and the 1st few weeks was the biggest "conflict" i have ever experienced by many many orders of magnitude.

i'm not obsessive about avoiding conflict, but in hindsight, I wish my W was and did this from OS. I had serious health issues as a result of living at ground zero.

You still have to be the strongest, healthiest Smothy when you get back - so dont ....take a break from DBing.

[Smothy]

I am sorry, Pyrite. I don't understand what you mean by this. Please can you explain. I am all over the place. It does feel I am back to square one again! Anxiety, nervousness, fear!! :-(

[Pyrite]

sure - which post or which part. busy with kids and getting ready for party but will do my best - nothing bad Smothy - dont sweat it if I dont get back to you. just telling you AGAIN - go easy on yourself

[Pyrite]

maybe I misinterpreted!! strong possibility given my general understanding skills - sorry being negative about myself again - also working on some issues myself

[Smothy]

Just read what i have written and it has hit me that I want to see some 'care' from H when I get back to the UK. In my head, if nothing has changed, the day I board the plane to my next post abroad is when I will be done.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I think the 7 weeks will be crucial for us, in how we move forward individually? Together? and that's one of the reason I was reluctant about looking to go away. We have not been in each other's presence for over 6 months. I know that I don't want to and can't be friends. H says that's what he wants us to be, It will be up to me and he will respect my decision.

Be very careful Smothy. I hope the best for you, but I am cautious/ skeptical. You have already been served. You have said several times that he avoids conflict. BD and the 1st few weeks was the biggest "conflict" i have ever experienced by many many orders of magnitude.

i'm not obsessive about avoiding conflict, but in hindsight, I wish my W was and did this from OS. I had serious health issues as a result of living at ground zero.

You still have to be the strongest, healthiest Smothy when you get back - so dont ....take a break from DBing.

This post, Pyrite. Hope you had a good time with the kids :-)

[Smothy]

I have just reread the light house story,

What if there are no waves are made? My H has been very reasonable, pleasant and cooperative in all his requests.

Do they still see you as the lighthouse, the beacon home?

[Huddy]

Hi Smoothy

I re read lighthouse yesterday. I think, in our case, we are leaving the door open, we're just not pushing it. What we're saying is that we are available to be with, but it has to be their choice, and that they have to realise they are lost.

[Cadet]

Do they still see you as the lighthouse, the beacon home?

Yes,
However on there timeframe and schedule, not ours.

Just like a ship never radios the lighthouse that it is arriving on shore, it just shows up.

[Smothy]

If you don't tell them, how do they know you are there, open to reconcilation but not waiting.

Just spoke to friends today, and they are all saying move on, H has made his decision and won't come back. He is being civil because that's all he can be. The 'something' that made him want you is no longer there and I can't get it back.

Made me feel quite sad. I need to detach more!

[Huddy]

They'll say that because it's easier than listening to you plough through the ideas running through your mind.

It's sad. As LBH's we don't understand what's going on. But keep that lighthouse on. You don't have to beg, he knows you want him, but he has to make that decision. If you feel the need to move on, YOU can. It's up to YOU want him back once he's seen the light.

[Pyrite]

hi Smothy,

awesome day with the kids .

When i read your post it gave me the impression that you are HEADING back to square one deliberately.

i agree the 7 weeks will be "crucial", but I am worried that you are getting you are getting your hopes up that:
a) YourH will change his mind from the moment he sees you
b) He will come around in the 7 weeks

you have already considered that if neither of these happen THEN you will accept that it is over. This strongly implies that you do not ACCEPT it now. Which makes it impossible for you to detach.

I don't want to suggest to you, or "force" you to ACCEPT that it is already over. In a way if this is what you have to do .....I can understand that. I can skeptically see that you are heading for a huge disappointment. I hope I am wrong.

It sounds like you are going to drop the rope on the DB front (or I should say the self-improving front or something because I don't mean actively "Busting the Divorce") and pick it up again after 7 weeks if necessary. Start all over again.

I'm sure your DB coach will have some sound advice for you.

[Pyrite]

If you don't tell them, how do they know you are there, open to reconcilation but not waiting.

i HAD this problem. I suppose they will know because they are looking for the lighthouse, or the lighthouse is clearly visible on the horizon. You shouldn't be aiming to tell them you are a lighthouse, with the door open, advertising a plan B.

Just spoke to friends today, and they are all saying move on, H has made his decision and won't come back. He is being civil because that's all he can be. The 'something' that made him want you is no longer there and I can't get it back.

...and following from previous.... The 'something' that made him want you IS THERE.

That is Smothy. Sure it may have evolved over 20+ years, but it is there. I think what they are meaning is that this "thing" is no longer all powerful.

This is true in reverse for me. The thing that most attracted me to my W was her heart of gold, her purity, her honesty, genuine kindness and compassion. These things all seem obliterated now. And even if they are simply masked by this WW behaviour, then they are clearly not ALL powerful.

oops - have to run - ciao

[Smothy]

hi Smothy,

awesome day with the kids .

When i read your post it gave me the impression that you are HEADING back to square one deliberately.

i agree the 7 weeks will be "crucial", but I am worried that you are getting you are getting your hopes up that:
a) YourH will change his mind from the moment he sees you
b) He will come around in the 7 weeks

you have already considered that if neither of these happen THEN you will accept that it is over. This strongly implies that you do not ACCEPT it now. Which makes it impossible for you to detach.

I don't want to suggest to you, or "force" you to ACCEPT that it is already over. In a way if this is what you have to do .....I can understand that. I can skeptically see that you are heading for a huge disappointment. I hope I am wrong.

It sounds like you are going to drop the rope on the DB front (or I should say the self-improving front or something because I don't mean actively "Busting the Divorce") and pick it up again after 7 weeks if necessary. Start all over again.

I'm sure your DB coach will have some sound advice for you.

I feel more attached than detached this week. It's S birthday and it would also be our wedding anniversary so feeling anxious. I know when anxiety hits, the acceptance of my reality is low.

You are right, that I am having difficulty in accepting this. H and I are getting a Divorce. He has served me and we are waiting for the next stage. The reality is there!

I am losing touch with reality and having huge expectations for when I get back, thank you for this reality check. I needed it.

I have made plans for GAL when back in the UK to help in my detachment.
Thank you, Pyrite.

[Smothy]

I think I am having a wobble moment as evidence suggests he has started dating and seeing OW again.

[Pyrite]

(((Smothy)))

We all have wobble moments. They get less frequent and less severe as time passes. Evidence suggests he has moved on Smothy. You will start to do the same in time. You either want to or you dont want to. Right now I am sensing that you dont want to.

I bet if you could you would shake your fists at me and have a tantrum that you "don't want to". I'm very sorry dear Smothy. But you are not going to get what you want. Certainly not that way. The only way you even have a chance at getting what you want is to grow through this. One day at a time.

I am sorry but I can't suggest anything else to you ease the pain other than forcing yourself to detach. Force yourself to not think of him or your situation. This does NOT turn off the lighthouse. Right now he is not even looking for a lighthouse anyway.

25 posted on my thread

"punishing someone by being angry at them is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes".

Yes - i realise being angry at him is not your problem here, but the same applies. Your lighting yourself on fire, and he is simply turning his back. Turn your back Smothy. He's not hurting you, you are.

You're stronger than you think you are.

[Smothy]

Hi Pyrite, I do want to as I know I need to for my own sanity. He has moved on, so must I.

I am the only one hurting here. And staying attached is hurting me. You words are so true.

I need to have the courage to jump off the rollercoaster.

[Pyrite]

This has been going on for a long time yeah (2011?) - so i think maybe this has become ingrained into you more than you realise. you need to 180 Smothy. Get out of this rut.

This may be controversial but it may help you - get angry!! When I was younger (a teenager->20 something) I used to get angry after Rs on purpose to give me a sense of me, strength. Listening to Henry Rollins used to do it for me. Very angry man - or some of the musics is at least. Cosmic Psychos. Anything that works for you.

Forget being nice and forgiving for a bit. even if you get angry and bitter - you won't stay that way. 180 your **** out of this Smothy. Change your perspective. you dont want him back anyway until the pr**k begs.

Tell me more about the bad stuff. you have said before that things were less than ideal. Tell me what you will be glad to see the back of. How good it will be to have a partner that does/ or doesn't .........

coz thats what we are looking at. thats what he is going to have to bring to the party if he is going to get a 2nd, 3rd chance!

grrrrrrr

[Smothy]

I am angry with H. However, I know that I have hurt him deeply too and he needs to do this for him. I have said I will give him a Divorce with grace.

I have been thinking, despite knowing deep down, that our R is unhealthy, why do I want him back so much? The answer is my fear of failure, that I have failed in this!

I have failed to be the wife he needed, in the last year I was beginning g to turn this around, but it was not enough for him. I have failed in every relationship I have embarked on. H is my second serious R. I was engaged to the first for 5 years. I have failed in love and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

Pyrite, I can't be angry at him. (Though, sometimes I am, and have a hitting a pillow session). I know he loved me very much and put up a lot because of it. I just didn't see it until it was too late. I think is this realisation, that he gave me so much and I gave him so little that it hurts so much. I didn't think I was that person. I thought I was better than that.

I am crying now.

[Pyrite]

I am angry with H. However, I know that I have hurt him deeply too and he needs to do this for him. I have said I will give him a Divorce with grace.

I have been thinking, despite knowing deep down, that our R is unhealthy, why do I want him back so much? The answer is my fear of failure, that I have failed in this!

I have failed to be the wife he needed, in the last year I was beginning g to turn this around, but it was not enough for him. I have failed in every relationship I have embarked on. H is my second serious R. I was engaged to the first for 5 years. I have failed in love and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

Pyrite, I can't be angry at him. (Though, sometimes I am, and have a hitting a pillow session). I know he loved me very much and put up a lot because of it. I just didn't see it until it was too late. I think is this realisation, that he gave me so much and I gave him so little that it hurts so much. I didn't think I was that person. I thought I was better than that.

I am crying now.

I'm sorry Smothy. I am guilty of pushing you. I want see you out of this depression.

I share the same issue as you. Since BD, my 1st reaction was "I've finally done it. I've pushed her over the edge". And this was not wrong.

I'll post now so you that know i'm here and thinking of you, and writing more.

[Pyrite]

Let me ask you something. You feel like you let him down and by extension yourself - how will you make this up to him?

I am still writing and deleting BTW. Are you still crying (((Smothy)))

You still haven't told me why the relationship was unhealthy. Was he an angel?

Remember the progress you had made? was that all wrong? I dont think so, I think you are just choosing forget because it doesn't fit your current agenda.

[Pyrite]

I have felt exactly the same way. I still do. In my head I sometimes thank my W for ending it. For stopping me from hurting further. I forgive her and wish her all the happiness she deserves. There is nothing more I can do. There is nothing more that you can do.

Let go Smothy. It is the only way to find peace. Until you find peace you can't begin to heal. You have to heal to share your new found wisdom. In a sense you already have learned all the things you need to. You are Smothy-2.0, you just need to introduce her to the world.

[Smothy]

Thank you, Pyrite. A big hug is what I need right now.

I am going to think about what you have said and to give myself some self care and will respond tomorrow.

Hugs to you too! :-)

[Huddy]

Wobbles are like jelly. Eventually they stop. My day is Friday, as I use to look forward to it so much.

OK, so he's dating. That means he is just trying to get back at you or he is seriously not wanting any kind of reconciliation. You're not gonna know until you step off that jet and he sees you.

Remember, look your best (not easy after a flight), smell the best (ditto) and just act as if you don't know. From that point in, you can work it out as you go.

[Pyrite]

I know how you feel sweet Smothy. I need a hug too. A real one. I feel for you being on you own. I was there many moons ago. The only comfort I had was that I hadn't seen her yesterday, and wouldn't see her tomorrow - but it is not much comfort really.

i wish I could be more help. I really do wish you all the best. I am just lacking the experience of knowing just the right direction that will help you through this. The heart ache would be agony enough without feeling like you are responsible for causing it. Keep in mind that you were not the only player here. He deserves at least some of the credit. Even up until 2011.

Maybe you discussed this in detail earlier and I missed it. It seems like an extraordinarily long ordeal for anyone to suffer. I think you know, as do I, that life goes on. You can choose it to be however you want. The saving grace of DBing is not necessarily divorce busting (for us LRT,LBS) it is NOT closing the door by becoming bitter and maximising the person you will be in the future.

I strongly suspect that a very very small minority of people in the world have ever had this chance of self exploration. That in itself is exciting don't you think. Just imagine how great life will be when you get past this. You may not be able to "repay" your H, but you may have the chance to repay some body elses former H, while you H finds his own path. I feel this for my W. If only she would give me a chance now I could share this Py6.0 with her.

Before I sleep myself, 2:30am here, one thing that I have found enlightening over the past several days is reading different articles about "core beliefs". Google it. When you can or are ready can you please share some things with me? I would like to discuss them with someone in the same predicament as I am. And you are an enigma, you haven't really told much about yourself other than your H has left you because you were such a controlling, domineering b***ch (not b***chy but you know what I mean). I reckon there is more to it than that.

Take care of yourself (((Smothy))). Goodnight.

[Bob723]

Hello Smothy,

A BIG *Hug* coming your way from me!

xoxo

Bob

[Pyrite]

Hey Smothy,

just checking in. how are you going? already done a few cycles of my own today. it is amazing that no matter how good a day I am having it really gets me going when I see her maiden name attached to everything. This was one of the firstlings she did a few days after separation. although that is a joke really, it was D from day 1 as far as she was concerned.

you know what - Sandi's WW thread is spot on. applies to your H as well. They were unhappy for one reason or another. somebody said hello, flirted, all harmless right. but they got used to it and liked it and wanted more of it. etc. Where is the S's fault in this behaviour? Nowhere. It was their behaviour, their reaction. Of course their were options. but they took this. Is it human, is it forgiveable. Maybe - but it doesn't change the fact that you did not force him to OW. He chose it. And whats more he waited for you to be OS before he reignited old A. How can this be your fault Smothy?

We always wish that they had've handled it better, well better in our eyes anyway. Apart from it being debatable what that better way is, I dont think it happens that often.

[Smothy]

Pyrite, Bob, Huddy, thank you. All your support on this fiorum means so much to me. Hugs and prayers to you all.

[Smothy]

I am feeling much better thIs morning. When I turned my iPod on this morning the first song was Walk away - M people and the second was Smile -U2 then Lights - Ellie Goulding. Weird. A message is being sent to me :-)

[Bob723]

Pyrite, Bob, Huddy, thank you. All your support on this fiorum means so much to me. Hugs and prayers to you all.

Hello Smothy,

You're welcome - that's why we are here.

Thank you for the hugs and prayers.

What a wonderful "family" we have here, don't we Smothy?

Take care of yourself.

Bob

[Pyrite]

I am feeling much better thIs morning. When I turned my iPod on this morning the first song was Walk away - M people and the second was Smile -U2 then Lights - Ellie Goulding. Weird. A message is being sent to me :-)

Pleasure. have a good day

[Smothy]

Pyrite, my IC and I talked about 'core beliefs' at the beginning of our sessions and we are beginning to work through these. The main ones are 'I believe I am unloveable'. A lot of my behaviours anger/ control has stemmed from this one belief.

The EA in 2011, I far as I was aware, was NOT through out until present. This is what i believed EA 2011 July until Jan 2012. Resumed contact April 2013 - July 2013. Resumed contact Dec 2014, friend saw them together in pub so don't know prior to this whether they were seeing each other. H told me this episode I believe because he knew I would be told by friend.

Like all EA, was told only friends, someone to talk to, I would never go out with a single mom. Made a move to move out in August 2013, H begged me stay, I guess we never dealt with these issues then.

Last year best year ever. H sanctioned and wanted me to have my needs met by a co-worker, says it's his fantasy, I slept with coworker, 2 more times. H announces he wants a D because of my betrayal and lies as I had affair with coworker and slept with him 2 more times that he did not sanction. Co-worker left in November.

[Smothy]

This combined with my emotional abuse, his conflict avoidance tactics made our relationship very unhealthy. :-(

We both played a part in the demise. I have owned my part, but he refuses to see how damaging his EA was and said it was nothing like my betrayal of sleeping with co-worker which H initially sanctioned.

[Smothy]

Writing this, has made me see how broken we both are.

[Smothy]

Pyrite, do you have a new thread?

[Pyrite]

Pyrite, my IC and I talked about 'core beliefs' at the beginning of our sessions and we are beginning to work through these. The main ones are 'I believe I am unloveable'. A lot of my behaviours anger/ control has stemmed from this one belief.

Excellent

The EA in 2011, I far as I was aware, was NOT through out until present. This is what i believed EA 2011 July until Jan 2012. Resumed contact April 2013 - July 2013. Resumed contact Dec 2014, friend saw them together in pub so don't know prior to this whether they were seeing each other. H told me this episode I believe because he knew I would be told by friend.

i wasnt suggesting it was ongoing, but it does seem like it as not put to rest at all.

Like all EA, was told only friends, someone to talk to, I would never go out with a single mom. Made a move to move out in August 2013, H begged me stay, I guess we never dealt with these issues then.

so i see you have 20/20 insight as well

Last year best year ever. H sanctioned and wanted me to have my needs met by a co-worker, says it's his fantasy, I slept with coworker, 2 more times. H announces he wants a D because of my betrayal and lies as I had affair with coworker and slept with him 2 more times that he did not sanction. Co-worker left in November.

Why did you sleep with him again?

i can understand having that fantasy but to then turn around and D because it wasn't sanctioned is a bit drastic. So was all of this after you nearly left in August? Even if it was somewhere b/n 2011-14 this sounds like an extreme trust issue in a M to pull in whilst you are in the middle of EAs and threatening to leave.

BTW - i dont think you meant "best year ever BECAUSE I slept with OM" ^^^. I imagine you and H were close etc. To my layman's ear it sounds like his pride was so hurt by your "betrayal" that he convinced himself to leave. Enlisted EA and off he went. Maybe he thought you were having such a good year as well, that it was a good time to indulge his fantasy. And when you had the "A" it resounded in his mind that maybe he had been wrong about everything, including ending/slowing the EA.

If this might be possible then it is good and bad. Its good because his "script" that you were always controlling etc is just that. rewritten, exaggerated history to make you the bad guy and let him out as the victim. The bad news is that maybe you having the A tipped the scales. However the "good" news with this is that he must've been pretty close to tipping anyway and it was probably just a matter of time and circumstance.

so why did you do it? honestly? the M never entered your mind? you weren't getting some need fulfilled that you didn't in the M? I only stress this to suggest that maybe the M wasn't as important to you then as it is now. I get this - i kick myself everyday. Even during the M I did.

Can I also guess that even though it was the best year ever in your M, it still didn't compare to how A made you feel. Maybe your H picked up on this? Just making wild guesses here Smothy?

Anyway it sounds like things were "falling apart" for years. The cited A (yours) may indeed have been the straw that broke the camels back. I am not suggesting you shouldn't address your core belief issues, I think this was probably at the heart of everything you did. Still - there are two more things you can't forget:

1. He was there as well, EA, dragging you back, asking for fantasy and then ....
2. I don't see anything here that is NOT forgivable. I haven't fallen off the wagon yet - i still do forgive my wife. IF her behaviour had've been yours, I reckon I could probably forgive that too. Your H may yet, who knows. But YOU MUST forgive yourself - in all future possible scenarios.

[Pyrite]

This combined with my emotional abuse, his conflict avoidance tactics made our relationship very unhealthy. :-(

We both played a part in the demise. I have owned my part, but he refuses to see how damaging his EA was and said it was nothing like my betrayal of sleeping with co-worker which H initially sanctioned.

can you even say you slept with your co-worker without adding this qualifier?

[Pyrite]

Pyrite, do you have a new thread?

not yet. i dont have anyhing to say really. sort of in the doldrums. sort of the opposite really. seeing L tomorrow for the 1st time. may be slapping the W an ultimatum. We are not moving to facilitate your new lifestyle. In terms of staying where we are balance is in my favour. BUT - my concern has STILL not been fully layed to rest that she can't tip the balance back into her favour by claiming full custody and getting it.

so high stakes - Zeus would love it

might start a new thread after that.

[Pyrite]

besides hanging out at Smothy's

[Smothy]

This combined with my emotional abuse, his conflict avoidance tactics made our relationship very unhealthy. :-(

We both played a part in the demise. I have owned my part, but he refuses to see how damaging his EA was and said it was nothing like my betrayal of sleeping with co-worker which H initially sanctioned.

can you even say you slept with your co-worker without adding this qualifier?

No, I can't, because he asked me whilst I was here, and I originally refused telling him it was a ad idea because of the distance. He pressed and pushed quite a few times. In our time together I never stepped out of the relationship. When I started my previous job a colleague was texting me, he asked me to stop and that was what I did straight away!

I believe I would not of slept with him if not okay end by H. I guess he did fulfilled a need in me, We became very close and I slept with him twice more before he was due to go back to his own country.

The truth was I never thought I cheated on H or an affair as firstly, he sanctioned, we spoke about us being friends etc and me possible sleeping with him again and secondly I never felt I took time or emotions away from H. Does this make sense?

[Smothy]

The co-worker situation was from when I was abroad. From Oct 2014- Nov 2014.

We spent about 5/6 weeks where we became really close. He left at the end of November.

One of the reasons he is citing is that it took me so long to tell him (from Dec 18th) NC despite given me an end date of Christmas Eve. He found out that I spoke to him a few days earlier and did not end it there. I reminded H of the deadline of Christmas Eve, but he took that I was unwilling to end it.

[Smothy]

I think the A tipped him, because the day he demanded a D he spent all day with OW (12 hours) and when I asked him about it he got really angry and said how dare I ask him about OW when I chose to go to OM bed and F%*#$ him!

That's was when he said we were over and he wanted a D.

[Pyrite]

it makes sense. i'm not judging you. i'm just asking you to look at it more closely thats all. it is the issue your H cited as the final straw.

We became very close and I slept with him twice more before he was due to go back to his own country.

The truth was I never thought I cheated on H or an affair as firstly, he sanctioned, we spoke about us being friends etc and me possible sleeping with him again

so you talked with H about sleeping with OM again? but he didn't give final OK?


anyway, this is the important bit

The truth was I never thought I cheated on H or an affair as firstly, he sanctioned

YOU never thought it was an A. But your H did. I am not really understanding why you dont think there was a difference. I'm always restricting my kids to just one lolly from the bag. Sometimes there is a reason. for example "OK you can have just one because you were an extra good girl .....". This doesn't mean in any way that I would accept her having more. In your case your H's reason was "because it is a fantasy of MINE, can you do it for ME".

The other times I dont think were for him were they? So they were different. Anyway, i doubt if this was THE problem. Maybe it was the last 2% or something, but you sound like you had been in trouble for years. And yes - maybe you could've worked it out together. Exactly the same guilt and regret that I think a lot of us here face everyday. He had this option as well, to drag you to therapy. But he chose to end it.

I say it often to myself and close ones. I know that I would not be dealing with issues of this magnitude that HAVE affected my entire adult life if we had just tried to patch up the M. Even if we had gone into ICing as well. I have been reborn in that sense.

[Smothy]

You are right Pyrite, they were not for him. I did ask and he did not agree or say no. I think h said something along the lines of if you feel you really need to.....

H said what really killed it for him was not because I slept with OM, but waking up to him, him holding me etc, the intimacy was something he couldn't deal with as he thought that was only special to us. Also, a 'friend', a co- worker of mine who became friends with him on FB, told H that we had a R that I saw him a lot more than I said I did, we danced provocatively together, held hands, kissed at work etc. a lot of this was embellishment. H chose to believe this.

[Pyrite]

hey Smothy. nice to see ya

I can understand your Hs position on this totally. I have "fantasised" about my W with another man. I think mostly it was born of wanting to see her lustful and sexy. Not that I never did, she was always responsive but our SL was very ....infrequent.

BUT I cringe at the thought of her holding hands or being affectionate with another man. Now she is doing it on MY couch infant of MY children. (******** b****h).

Sorry, i've had a very up and down day.

[Smothy]

The rollercoaster ;-)

Ironically, our sex life is one thing that was very positive. I wanted to be open to my H in his sexual fantasies as it was a way of us sharing/ bonding. After his initial EA in 2011, he did not touch me at all for 3 months. This was when I started with the pictures etc and he loved it.

He then opened up to his fantasies and we explored that. We both agreed and got turned on by it.

[Smothy]

H did express that it was important that he was the one I was intimate with, holding hands, kissing etc!

[Smothy]

It would be our anniversary soon, do I acknowledge it? It is taking me all my strength not to look at his FB and our joint accounts.

I did text him to say thanks for sorting out S a special birthday card (he asked a 'friend' to make the card), present yesterday. The reply was no problem, S deserve it

I do feel stronger today and no where near as tearful as yesterday!

[Pyrite]

this is great Smothy. You can appreciate the +ve, and acknowledge that you DID try (pictures) to keep it going. You did contribute +vely to the R. Remember this please. You are worthy, you have a good heart and you are loveable.

-Py

[Pyrite]

I would let him initiate /celebrate the anniversary. it is really the most controversial of all the "holidays" b/n you. and he is the one that wants the D. but i'm not in a good place to be advising on strategy.

mine is just getting worse by the day. Of all the things that bring me down the most, it is her using maiden name immediately following BD and removing her ring. I backslide every time I get wind of W maiden name. She couldn't organise paying the mortgage, but she changed her name quick smart.

have a good day sweetheart. No tears today. IC and DB coach should be soon yeah? i am going to sleep now. I h have L tomorrow and Dr appointment. At least no work! have to start trying for pre-2AM bedtime. monjana.

[Huddy]

Sadly Smooth, whilst all men have fantasy dreams about their wife having a threesome etc., in reality, nobody really wants somebody to get up close and personal with our other halves.

Pictures - yeah, I get that; who wouldn't want to see their W looking sexy and you can get off on that. Making a video together or something, again, I can see how that gets somebody going, but actually getting another fella to rip into you four times seems a bit....well, each to their own. Did he take part, or were you alone? Was he watching?

Just my opinion, in a field where I have never done any of these things, so discount my opinion if you want, if you have had intercourse whilst he wasn't there, I don't see how that could be a fantasy, unless he gets off on being a cuck.

I think that's probably goosed the relationship. Don't know how you come back from that.

[Tulo]

2) this is a difficult one and one I am grappling with at the moment. Sometimes, I think that it is me wanting to,have him because of control and I don't want him to be with any one else. Other times my love I feel for him overwhelms me, I can feel it physically.

Hi dear Smothy,

Sorry for coming in very late in the tread but hope it's ok.
This is a thought I'm also thinking of every now and again, and I'm not sure if it's my hurt feelings who desperately want me to get unhooked and this would be an easier way, talking myself into not being that into him..

But more or less every 15 minutes I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of loss, sadness of loosing him and then I think that if it only was loss of control or something like that I wouldn't have those feelings, nightmares and so on.

Now I'm going to continue reading your tread..

Hugs Smothy!

[Tulo]

Thank you NDY,

I know detachment is the key. I want to let of of the rope, but something holds me on. I should have zero expectations. I am scared once I let go there will be no turning back for me.

May be this it a good thing?

Feel the same.. This detaching is scary business..

[Tulo]

We have an illusion that if we cling to the rope we can control our WAS. We cannot. They have let go of the rope. We are clinging to a rope that leads to nothing. And as long as we hold on to it we are just tying ourselves to nothing.

I wonder what clinging to the rope is doing for you? I mean, not just "I want my M to work". I know. But clinging isn't helping. So really. What is clinging doing for you? It's a really good question to ask.

Thank you Zeus! Needed this!

[Tulo]

I have just reread the light house story,

Do they still see you as the lighthouse, the beacon home?

I've seen several mentions of this light house story..
Is that a book or something?

[Cadet]

I have just reread the light house story,

Do they still see you as the lighthouse, the beacon home?

I've seen several mentions of this light house story..
Is that a book or something?

I guess you are telling us you didnt do the homework I assigned on the first post I made to you,

You will find it there.

[Tulo]

I guess you are telling us you didnt do the homework I assigned on the first post I made to you,

You will find it there.

Well, I had actually read it but didn't remember it was called light house.. It was quite a few links you so kindly posted, so I guess that's why I didn't remember that one especially.

I do my best, to get all of this down. I guess I'm not as good as most.

[NDY]

To be fair it's a lot of homework, don't beat yourself up about it Tulo. In my world there are no such things as stupid questions and given out sitches we can be forgiven the odd minor indiscretion.

Peace

[Smothy]

Sadly Smooth, whilst all men have fantasy dreams about their wife having a threesome etc., in reality, nobody really wants somebody to get up close and personal with our other halves.

Pictures - yeah, I get that; who wouldn't want to see their W looking sexy and you can get off on that. Making a video together or something, again, I can see how that gets somebody going, but actually getting another fella to rip into you four times seems a bit....well, each to their own. Did he take part, or were you alone? Was he watching?

Just my opinion, in a field where I have never done any of these things, so discount my opinion if you want, if you have had intercourse whilst he wasn't there, I don't see how that could be a fantasy, unless he gets off on being a cuck.

I think that's probably goosed the relationship. Don't know how you come back from that.

Huddy, some answers to your questions. Sorry if TMI

H was really into it, he wanted to find me someone, in the end I arranged for us to visit a club where he watched while I had sex with someone he chose. He said it was amazing, better than he imagined. H was not wanting to have sex with another female or join in, just watching me. He said the idea of me and another Man really excited him.

It was just H watching, he was not participating.

[Huddy]

Morning Smoothy

OK, so it's a fantasy gone bad then? He has to take his part in the blame game then. If he wanted it, he must have weighed it up in his mind. I'm just surprised he didn't take part.

Your H has to realise that it should have stayed a fantasy and it was a bad choice. He needs to get past this.

[Tulo]

To be fair it's a lot of homework, don't beat yourself up about it Tulo. In my world there are no such things as stupid questions and given out sitches we can be forgiven the odd minor indiscretion.

Peace

Thanks NDY!

You are sweet as always! Hug!

[Smothy]

It' would be our anniversary tomorrow, so I get an email TODAY, telling me the date the decree nisi will be read in court. Signed H x.

Bad timing, deliberate sending of email?

[NDY]

Morning Smothy

What difference would the timing make? Don't try and mind read. See it for what it is and move on.

[Smothy]

You are right! These dates are so significant in our lives though.

I will ignore the anniversary date tomorrow.

[Huddy]

Probably vindictive to try and get a response from you. Inore, have a good day instead!

[Tulo]

Dear Smothy,

Days like that are so hard, think you should do something nice for yourself and just hang tight. Don't reply, probably wanting you to get snappy and don't give him that.

Thinking of you!

[Smothy]

I have booked my trip to India today.

I had a dream last night and the last thing imprinted on my mind was a image (like a photograph) on my mind of H, OW and her child and it didn't hurt as much as it would of only a few days ago.

How fast the D is speeding on. My IC has cancelled my appointment for tomorrow, which we originally made due to the anniversary date. I have an appointment for DB coach on Saturday. Time to jump off the rollercoaster and let go of the rope.

[Smothy]

I am stronger! I have just heard 'Fix you -Coldplay' on the radio. This would had have me blubbering like a girl two days ago.

Two days ago, I was listening to 'nothing compare to you' and it left me in a crying mess!

[Fogg]

Good for you Smothy, hope the trip to India is awesome.

[Huddy]

Nothing compared to you leaves everyone in a blubbering mess, even when the M is in good condition! Sinead must make all her money on the wedding circuit, just like that guy (forgot his name) who has just done 'All of Me' - it's a must at a wedding.

[Smothy]

It' would be our anniversary tomorrow, so I get an email TODAY, telling me the date the decree nisi will be read in court. Signed H x.

Bad timing, deliberate sending of email?

Please can someone give me some feedback on this, I am having a down moment and am hurting H name begins with E and I reread this and it says

Hi Smothy, ( as above) Ex

Is he saying he is now my ex, his initial plus x. I know major mind reading, I am feeling he is being overly cruel if it is Ex

[NDY]

It' would be our anniversary tomorrow, so I get an email TODAY, telling me the date the decree nisi will be read in court. Signed H x.

Bad timing, deliberate sending of email?

Please can someone give me some feedback on this, I am having a down moment and am hurting H name begins with E and I reread this and it says

Hi Smothy, ( as above) Ex

Is he saying he is now my ex, his initial plus x. I know major mind reading, I am feeling he is being overly cruel if it is Ex

Ok, did he ever sign emails with a kiss? Could be habit.
Or he could be saying he considers himself your ex
Or it could be a typo
Something else.

But what difference does it make? How does knowing help you detach? Let it go.

[Smothy]

NDY, you at right. It shouldn't matter. I have let it go. I was dreading this morning, but feeling strangely calm. I woke up several times in the night and kept repeating the 'Serentiy Prayer' .

Today will just be another day where I get stronger!

[Smothy]

Hey, Pyrite, how are you? I haven't seen you for a while :-)

[Pyrite]

Thanks Smothy You are a sweetheart.

i'm flat, numb. nothing to say. nothing to ask.

just going through the motions.
I think i am just tired, over it. i have been going at this at a million miles an hour. i feel like i am at the end.

i was frantic holding the rope like i was falling off a bridge, or into a canyon. In the beginning my W was holding the other end of the rope and i saw BD as the first cut into the rope and the first few months as the rope fraying further because of the cut.

Then I realised that she wasn't holding the rope at all. The rope was tied onto a branch or rock or girder. But it was still fraying. I realised that I HAD needed her to hold on to the rope. But she doesn't need or want that.

Time will heal you in the sense that the rope will eventually fray all the way through regardless. But I let go. I am/was falling towards the ground in slow motion. numb. in free fall. sometimes I feel like I have hit the ground, or a less gruesome picture is that I was standing and held a rope, dropping it to the ground and it fell in slow motion.

The rope hit the ground, and now i am staring at it. The still picture IS/MAY still be in slow motion. Regardless, it is unchanging. I am just waiting for something to happen. My life to start again.

make sense?


there have been significant logistical things going on, and emotionally these should be more of a big deal than I am feeling. i will post about this later. maybe even start a new thread.

[Pyrite]

the plus to letting go is that it is a choice. you hit the ground on your terms. not screaming in fear.

[Zues126]

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather- peacefully in my sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in the car...

[Smothy]

((( Pyrite)))

I am deliberately, occupying myself by organising my trip to India. Stops my mind from wandering. After 20 years if M it has come to this :-(

Anniversary day today. Could of been so different.

I would like to response to your post later, if OK

[Smothy]

New thread, the saga continues :-)

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2572696&#Post2572696