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#2570306 05/21/15 02:56 PM
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M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
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EA Aug 2014 I think
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Copied over from the last thread.

It's my birthday tomorrow. I plan to pick up my kids and go to my mum's until Sunday morning when I'll return them because she wants to take them to her brothers.

WW usually leaves the house before I get there and returns after I've gone. This time there may be a danger that I bump into her ... or she may leave a card and or present for me.

My state of mind at the moment means I hate her guts and don't trust myself not to tell her to her face nor rip up any card in her face and dump any present straight in the bin.

As if by magic, here's an email I just received.

I've arranged to take the children to Suffolk on Sunday, as you know. So I could do with them being back here by 11 please.

Have a good birthday. The children's presents were selected by them, not by me. So hopefully you'll take them in the spirit in which they were intended.


Ha! Arranged? But not with me. She just told me.

She's got a damned nerve. I so nearly replied.

You didn't arrange your brother's with me, you just informed me what you are doing. Thanks for that.

As I said it's about when S15 gets out of bed.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
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Have a good birthday. From someone who has abandoned and betrayed me? Oh **** off.

And what does she expect me to do or say to my kids when they give me a present? Who does she think I am? We were together for nearly 21 years. What the hell is going through her tiny mind? This makes me mad.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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OD, honey, take a deep breath. So she said happy birthday. What did you want her to do? Ignore you? Order you a stripper cake? I have a feeling that no matter what she chose, you'd take issue with it. Let it go, OD.



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Thanks for some sort of perspective SunnyB. But it wasn't a happy birthday, it was just a good birthday. She knows it won't be happy.

I've been mad as hell on and off for months and I can't kick it. It's driving me nuts. I want to scream in her stupid face. I want to kick that b*****d OM in the nuts.

I can't let it go. It's just simmering all the time. I try mindfullness, which helps for a while, but it just keeps coming back time and time again.

I wish I'd never met her. I'm so sorry my kids have got her flakey genes and will learn it's OK to abandon your marriage without a second thought. Damn I hate her.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
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EA Aug 2014 I think
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Originally Posted By: Old Dog

I wish I'd never met her. I'm so sorry my kids have got her flakey genes and will learn it's OK to abandon your marriage without a second thought. Damn I hate her.

Hate to say this but if you never met her you would not have those kids, and hating her means you hate half your kids.
I am sure that is not true.

She is sick, don't hate her for being sick.

My .02

P.S. - I got my book will try to start reading it.


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And what are your kids leaning from you? To hold a grudge forever and harbor hate and resentment until you become old and bitter? Those kids have your genes, too, you know. Model something better for them.



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Hi OD Do you see an I/C ? I get your anger mate but it's not healthy for you You're right W has hurt you badly , she's broken your trust , you've lost your best friend and she's rejected to. Sshe done all that a while ago now and your doing it to yourself everyday.

OD ,you need to help yourself mare. If you carry on like you are it will turn you bitter and that's a dark road. Again mate , I feel your pain but you have to accept what is.

tomorrow is a new day and it could be a new start in your life. The choice is yours. OD is able to get through this and be happy again. For me , professional help was the only way and I have a huge support network around me and I live with my kids in the family home with EXW still denying OM and seemingly in a deep depression. You have it much harder so you really need guidance through this

With regards to W saying happy birthday , she is being a good neighbour and that's what she is in her mind

Take care mate. Rd

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Hi OD, my H didn't acknowledge my birthday at all last November. Or our anniversary last August. That was horrible too...

I can understand your anger RD. I haven't been that angry in my sitch, but I can understand people being so angry. But I think there's a lot of blame in your anger too - towards her and towards him. I don't think that's helpful, because you (we) all had a part to play in how things became. You aren't responsible for your W choosing to have an A, but you are partly responsible for the state of your M and thus the pre-existing conditions that paved the way towards an A.

Also, in terms of OM. Fact is, there's always 'someone' out there who will become involved with a S who is seeking to have an A. My H went out on 'dates' with two other women before his A with OW started. I think once they have become wayward, there's likely no stopping things until they work themselves through.

IMHO, you need to take responsibility for your anger and find a way through it. Find a way to peace and acceptance of 'what is' - even though you don't like it. Not just throw out these comments - I hate her & he's a ***. Ultimately, it could cost you any chance of reconciling and may impact on your R with your sons too.

How is your work with your IC going in this area??


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. The thing is I know it all but still can't shake it.

Cadet If I'd never met her, I wouldn't have had those kids, but maybe I'd have others. Does that sound bad? I love my kids, they're wonderful, I really really miss them (and her), but I wanted someone who was as loyal as me.

I don't think she is sick. I think she has thought about this long and hard, weighed it up and waited until the she thought the kids would be OK. The fact that there are alternative options never got a look in because she didn't know about them. In the same that I failed to be a good enough husband because I didn't know how and never had guidance.

Glad you got the book. I read a bit more today.

SunnyB I never show any sign of my dark mood when I'm with my kids. In truth, they help me enormously just by being there. I am happy with them, take an interest in what they're doing, have a laugh with them and try and think of activities we can do together. All the while though, I want to tell them that it is not OK to just give up on a marriage in search of ... what? But this has to wait. They will know though, one day.

rd I know it's not healthy. Crikey, how I'd like to stop. I've been listening to my mindfullness podcast and self improvement podcast and try and practice. It helps for a while and then it all comes flooding back. It's just there, waiting in the background, ready to take over again.

It will go, I know, and hasn't been as bad before. It's that Kubler Ross grief curve thing. I did have an IC. Today was the last appointment: it was an NHS thing but you only get so many sessions. He is confident I can move on (I hate using that expression as she used it on me) but says it just takes time.

I will get another IC now but I'll have to pay for that. I've also arranged a call to DB coach Chuck next week but I'm not sure what I'll have to discuss actually as I have no contact with WW at all other tan very brief texts or emails. In my low state of mind I think I can't do this DB thing, just like I can't do many other things.

And dearest Toots, you are so good at picking people up off the floor. I'm sorry your H ignored your birthday and anniversary. WW ignore our anniversary last July. I made a card with pics of the boys on. I didn't expect anything and I was correct to assume that. I wish I hadn't got anything for her birthday earlier this year though. Why did I do that?

Yes, there is a lot of blame towards her. Not really too much towards him though: she will have spoonfed him her lie. I still want to punch him though for getting involved with someone else's wife. I started off blaming myself for almost all of it before realising it's not all my fault. Yes, I wasn't good enough as a husband, but you don't just walk out, you try and learn and resolve it.

I do keep these outbursts pretty much to myself or on here. But it's what I'm feeling, it's my reality right now. I know it's not good, there will be no chance of reconciliation, and it doesn't make it any better and I'm embarrassed by it. I would like to find peace but how?

Last edited by Old Dog; 05/21/15 09:15 PM.

M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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