It's been two weeks...

[Matt777]

I do want to add one more thing. I've posted a lot about what I've learned about how to act and be around your W. But it's also important for you to work through the feelings that you have. Your W has fired you! That [censored]. It hurts. It's sad. It's important to not try to bottle that inside and pretend that you are perfectly ok with it to yourself. To your W, yes. But inside, behind closed doors, it's ok and important to deal with those emotions as well.

I'm sure someone else can articulate this better than I can. Remember that it's ok to hurt and to cry. But it's not ok to let your W see that side of this - it's for you to properly grieve.

[DifRent]

I actually cried for the first time about any of this yesterday... and she came into the room and saw me. Hated that, did not want her to see it. But you are right... I do need to grieve. I will choose my time and place more carefully next time.

[DifRent]

We went out together tonight at a networking event. I felt stifled sitting next to her, so got up and sat in the back of the room. She was looking for me... when it was time to get to the food line, I had a good angle and thought, I'll get there early, and get plates for both of us. I did that, and as she came through after, I told her I had a plate for her. She was talking to someone else, who dismissed her in a polite way, so as to say, go ahead, eat your dinner. She was so angry, told me I embarrassed her... I was completely caught off guard. I was just trying to be kind!

So of course she had to lambaste me about it in the car, and how she thought I was clearly upset in front of someone else during dinner, which maybe I was. We got home, and we talked again about all this mess, she came to hug me, I pulled away. She said she loved me, this affair might be a mistake, but what if it's not? I went to the bedroom. She came in the bedroom later to hold my hand and ask if I still wanted to see the houses we'd scheduled to see tomorrow when we were contemplating downsizing... it's all so conflicting, and I know I'm supposed to be the bigger person, but I'm pretty hurt and confused myself. By everything... I wish I could just leave, but that won't be possible, not even to stay with a friend or my mom, for at least a month, until our son graduates high school and we have them settled elsewhere. What a mess this is... a mess I NEVER saw coming as recently as Easter...

[DifRent]

Had a talk with WW this morning - ill-advised or not. The tension was just getting to be too much, and I had to clear the air. We are going to be roommates and business partners for the foreseeable future, so we just needed to call some kind of truce. I couldn't help but reiterate how much pain she's causing by making this choice. She didn't argue, but of course it doesn't change anything. She plans to start "dating" the OW and spending more time with her starting next week. (Till now, I guess it hasn't been dating. It's been texting and lunch and visits and kisses.)

I wake up every morning around 2 and feel absolutely despondent. Things are so bleak now, and they are only going to get worse before they get better. Add in the complication that I do not like who this woman is right now - whether it's just the addiction making her this way or these are her actual true colors, it's hard to know. To plow through and terribly hurt someone she loved so much, so recently... I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all.

[Matt777]

Dif -
There's nothing to say to make it hurt less. That's the process we all are going through. Someone you love so much is telling you they don't love you anymore. That's not something that you just brush off.

That said, the only way to start feeling better is to learn how to derive your happiness from yourself. There's no time better than now to learn the things that make you happy and immerse yourself in them. Take the time to meet new people and enjoy the things you like doing. It will keep your mind off of your W and will make you feel better about yourself.

Someone wrote in another thread that at first you won't think about your W for a second. Then 10 seconds. Then a minute. Then 10 minutes. And so on until you can go out and genuinely have a good time without her.

You can do it.

[DifRent]

Going to really try starting this weekend. Here's a laugh: the OW is actually a real estate client of my W. That's how they met. Since I help with the business, I drew a boundary: "I will not do anything to help with the sale of this home, and you will not speak this woman's name in our house." She put it on the market today and is holding an open house tomorrow. She invited me, among a hundred other Facebook friends, to go. I said, "Seriously? You invited me to this?" I actually thought she did it inadvertently. She replied, "Yes, I'll be all alone. I want you to come." !!!!!

I'm finding myself repulsed by her today. By the sight of her, by her voice, by her lies and confusion. I wish this fact made me feel better about things. Oddly, it makes me feel worse.

[HeavyD]

I know the feeling. It comes and goes in waves. They call it the roller coaster. Fasten your belt.

Has she moved to the guest room yet?

[Matt777]

Hey again - saw you posted in Heavy's thread but thought I'd reply here. You mentioned the following:

"It's feeling very hopeless over here. Part of me thinks I should just cut my losses and work on healing instead of working on repairing things. But... I took a vow. And I take that vow seriously."

You know what the best part about DBing is? That "working on healing" and "WIRKING on repairing things" is the SAME THING. In other words, the steps that you would take to heal (detaching, getting your own life, reflecting on your M problems and self-improving, etc.) are exactly the same steps you would have to take if you wanted to have a successful MR with your W at any point in the future.

Of course, at any time, you can say "ENOUGH", file for D, and go on your way. But you'll probably STILL wind up going through the same pain and same steps if you want to have a successful MR in the future with someone.

The real thing to remember about the DB process is that it's for YOU, the LBS. It's how to make you into a whole, healthy person that only a fool would leave. Of course, the WW may turn out to be a fool - none of us have control over our wayward spouses. But by going through the process, you will be able to make that next R so much better and more meaningful regardless of who it's with.

[DifRent]

Belt fastened, ma'am.

She has not. She announced that they are going on their first "date" on Tuesday. When she returns, from whatever that means, I will be in bed and there will be a note on the door with firm instructions to move upstairs, no debate. I'll even be nice about it, turn down the sheets and leave her some pjs and a toothbrush. But she will not share our bed from that point on until and unless she ends things. I can't see how she could possibly disagree.

[DifRent]

You're right, Matt. Today took a turn for the better for me after my last post...

I went for the first time to meet with a Stephen Minister at church this afternoon. If you're not familiar, Stephen Ministers are lay people trained to compassionately walk with people through difficult times such as grief, divorce, etc. She was wonderful - I got my whole story out there, and she could see how much I love my W, "unconditionally love her" with a Christ-like love. She was so supportive, and although there is no way she can know this is true, she said, "I think she will come back to you. She's in a fog and a cloud right now, this other woman is preying on her vulnerability, and look at you... you are calm, a rock, and it's so clear you love her. Why wouldn't she come back? You will be her soft place to fall."

I know her thoughts from just listening to me are no crystal ball into the future, but it was affirming to hear just the same - to remind me that I'm not the terrible partner she's made me out to be. She and I will meet once a week for as long as I need to meet with her. The other good news is that my W is meeting with a Stephen Minister of her own, starting on Monday. I hope she gets something positive out of that.

This afternoon, my W insisted upon us going to the grocery store together. I conceded, although there was really no good reason why we had to go together - one or the other of us could have gone alone. (This is the woman who says we spend too much time together, but she always wants us to do things together, and stresses when I'm not around.) While in the car, I was behind the wheel, literally and figuratively. At one point, she mentioned going to an LGBT picnic the church is having tomorrow, then something about the open house afterward (for the OW), and asked if I was going. I said, "To the open house??" She said, "no, the picnic... but I want you to come to the open house, too."

I said, "I can't even believe you are asking me this. Quite beyond the boundaries I set. How disrespectful to say you want me to come because you will be alone, as if I might not have other, better plans. Let me tell you this: I know this is your biggest listing. And if it were just a listing, like it is supposed to be, I would be your biggest cheerleader and your biggest fan. But since it represents a life shattering event for me, no... I will have nothing to do with it. And that's a shame."

For some reason, this made her cry... quietly, she didn't see that I caught it. But I did. And then I ignored it. I hope that was detachment, even though I put my stuff out there.

Other things happened, I stayed detached. She had a meeting to rush off to once we got back, and my younger son and I went to a friend's house for dinner, without telling my W. Such a good friend, such a good son. (He'll be 18 next week.) His anger about his stepmom came out: "She's doing all this [censored] right in front of Mom. It's so disrespectful. And she's so immature. She's a grown-ass woman, and I don't recognize her at all." He also made some astute observations about her, such as the fact that she has no opinions of her own, but relies on me or her newfound paramour to provide those opinions for her. I didn't know he was paying such close attention.

But it was a good reminder of how much genuine mature love I have in my life. He made me proud... and my friend reminded me that he's a "good egg" because he has a good mom. I needed that kind of affirmation tonight, after all the really hurtful (but superficial) things she's been saying about me.

We stayed out just long enough for her to see we hadn't been home tonight (she was at the gym). She asked three times what we'd done tonight before I answered: "S cooked us dinner, and it was lovely." She's been deliberately excluded from gatherings with S, and I know it hurts her. "I will call S next week, and maybe we can meet for drinks or something." I gave S the heads up, and she said, "I hope she's ready for me to unload..."

Anyway, she has this cookout planned for Monday, with all the neighbors and a bunch of friends coming. She wants things to be "normal." As if the next day she isn't going on her first "date" with the OW. It is actually amusing to me tonight... might not be funny tomorrow, but again. I'm detached. She's crazy. She's going to do what she's going to do. I need to take care of me... and love her with detachment and no conditions. I think I can do this now.

Because no matter what happens, I'll be okay.

Thanks for the support here.