It's been two weeks...

[Matt777]

DifRent -

I think your post above has a couple things I want to advise about.

1) just because your W says something, doesn't mean it's true. Remember, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. So, of course she can't see you being together NOW. But the world of a WW is so unstable that tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, her mind could be totally different.

2) you mention about this weekend and dynamics shifting. You need to prepare yourself that this process is not fast. There is nothing you can do that will "flip a switch" in your W's mind about you. Instead, you have to think of it like a dimmer switch. Right now it may be off. Through consistent actions and 180s, you may be able to turn the light on and slowly get it to brighten. But even if you were to have the BEST day together on Saturday, it isn't going to change her mind at this point.

Because of those two things above, you need to start to detach yourself and get your own life. You can't wait and hope she changes her mind. She doesn't want you anymore as you ARE. So you take this time to make the improvements in yourself to make you s Bette friend, patent, partner, etc. once that process has been ongoing, your W will be able to see those changes and decide if she wants to be with the person you have become.

[HeavyD]

Something else I learned on this board

You marriage is over at bomb drop. Accept it. At least in the WW's mind - it is over and there is nothing you can do to change it.

However, feelings are fluid and change all of the time. Just because your WW says something it is not gospel. Right?

Just carry on, GAL, keep a PMA and read Sandi's rules ASAP.

I am sorry this is a dark and sad time for you. I get it and I think everyone on this board understands that too. It is awful and a situation that you did not ask to be part of. And it's a situation that affects not only you but your kids.Hang in there. A lot will change in the next few months you can be sure of that. Fasten your seatbelt.

Keep posting.

[DifRent]

Yeah Matt, I get all that. By dynamics shifting I didn't mean I thought things would get better. It's just that with the OW out of town, she doesn't have her to run to when I practice detachment. She will be out of sorts, and I think that's a good thing. But yeah, we are so early in this, and it's a very long road ahead. It's rotten, but I don't have to tell you that.

What I wonder is with this detachment, and letting her find her way... she doesn't want me to detach, but she also does, because that makes it easier for her to pursue this other situation. Has detachment backfired on anyone this way? Like - the WW says, "whew, finally. Now I can focus on doing what I want."

[DifRent]

Thanks HeavyD. Yep... it's over. And probably, it should be, now that I look back at how we failed to communicate properly and do the things we should have done to make our relationship airtight. I'm okay with that. I still wear my ring though... she does not. I'm committed to her, but I need to be committed the right way. I need to keep coming back here so folks can keep me straight.

Today I've been working on the back porch, hardly any contact. I think this unnerves her, but it's what she asked for.

[nick615]

Hey DifRent -Welcome and i am sorry you are here, but the people you meet will give so much support as youve seen already.

In regards to you sitch, your W is a WAW and you should try to read up on LBHS and WAWs. You know you only have control of yourself. WAW are a completely different person and they are going to say and do things to make them feel better. They will do and say things out of the ordinary from my experience with my WAW. I also realized that i played a huge part in my WAW getting to this point. Its hard, but really try to accept what is going on and look at yourself. Focus on making changes for yourself and please know that things will get worse before they get better. Continue to detach and GAL! Best of luck to you in your sitch. Nick

[Matt777]

I've only been here a month or so, so one of the vets may do a better job answering. But I'll give it a shot anyway.

I think that generally, the WW thinks they want freedom. They think that the LBS is the chain holding them back. So I'm sure that initially there is a sense of excitement and elation at being "freed". Eventually though, they will experience the loss of your relationship and see what they've done. It may take months/years, but that initial rush fades and they see where they are and don't like it

Remember, they are just as confused, scared, and hurt as you are! The natural defense is to run away from the pain. So you need to keep the road home cleared for when they realize that they actually do want to R. And then they can see the new YOU and fall in love again.

[DifRent]

Matt, your posts are very encouraging. Thank you!

I wonder too... I saw in another thread Sandi saying she doesn't encourage the LBS to be cold, just to employ tough love when it comes to detachment. Today, I think I am being cold. Which is going to make our having to go to an event together this evening challenging if I don't warm up just a little bit. Where's the line between cold and tough love?

[Matt777]

DifRent -
I think the general advice on that is to treat them like you would a friendly neighbor. Engage when they talk with you. Smile. Be pleasant. But don't give out more information than you need to and don't hang on to conversations.

[nick615]

DifRent-
Here is some really good insight from a really good vet, Sandi about WAW and what they are feeling. Keep these close to you and review them. Im going through the same type of sitch with my WAW. It so hard. ive only been her for two months and there are days where i feel good and then there are days when i feel lost. I know we will all get through this together and we will all be better people in the end. Stay strong, DifRent!

Nick

She is not the girl you married. She no longer feels the same and won't act the same.
*No matter what her values and spiritual beliefs have been in the past, and regardless of the high standard of morals she held, they have temporarily vanished. For how, nobody knows.
*She does not want to be fixed. Nobody can fix her, especially you.
*She is in complete rebellion, and will defy you when you make demands, threats or give ultimatums.
*Her heart has turned cold and selfish. All she thinks about is what makes her feel good at the moment.
*You cannot change her mind, influence, convince, or sway her by talk.
*Her brain has lost all capacity to use logic. Therefore, you cannot reason with her.
*She is addicted to the high she gets from the A. She will do most anything to get her "fix" again.
*She cannot be trusted as long as she is wayward, and until she goes through the complete withdrawal stage from OM/A.
*She will cake eat whenever it suits her......if you allow it.
*She wants the best part of the M and the A. She gets the H for security and OM for her emotional needs.
*She will bait her H, and test him.
*She will give him just enough crumbs to keep him hanging on and attached.
*She keeps the M/H as her plan B, in case A/OM doesn't work out.
*She will be interested in H if he detaches, acts as if he is busy, happy, moving on without her, and won't give her the details when she starts asking.
*Pursuit from her H only pushes her further away.
*She is living in a fantasy world. She wants the dream to continue.
*She will blame her H for every thing wrong in her life. His apology does not erase her resentment. She will totally rewrite their marital history. She holds on to her anger toward him b/c it fuels her negative view of the M and justifies her present actions.
* Her common sense is gone and she only operates from her emotions.
*She is willing to risk everything and throw everything away for her addiction when the A is at its thickest.
*She sees her H as the enemy.
*She has to suffer some type of loss (due to her decisions) in order to shake her from her fantasy fog.
* She is on a roller coaster and will not act the same every single day. Her emotions will be up, down, and all over the place....but never on an even keel.

[DifRent]

Yes Nick, that list is amazing. WW really are a dime a dozen, aren't they? It's affirming to see how these are pathological behaviors common to all of them.

I am encouraged by the support and the stories here. I really feel hopeless today, and this is keeping me going.